Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

New man and younger woman friend

156 replies

Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 17:10

Sorry another post from me! Been seeing a new man for a couple of months now, he seems lovely and is attentive and caring. We’re both in our 50s and divorced. He has a much younger woman friend who he describes as beautiful and they spend quite a lot of time together. They met through their dogs and usually go dog walking but I know she spends time at his place too. She doesn’t have family so he’s having her round for Christmas dinner as he’s not visiting his family either (so just the two of them). He did ask me to go along to something she’s organising this weekend but I can’t make it. I can’t help feeling a bit uncomfortable about the older man/beautiful young woman friendship, although he’s been very open about it. Am I being unduly paranoid?

OP posts:

Inthesameboatatmo · 16/12/2021 17:26

It does sound a little iffy tbh,but you've hardly been together long enough to think that you have the rights to bring it up with him really op. I don't know really as it wouldn't sit right with me but your not even in relationship territory at only a couple of months sorry to not be much help.

forinborin · 16/12/2021 17:37

The most likely scenario is that he secretly hopes that she'll fall for him and is using you now as a stick to poke her, i.e. cause some jealousy. And she is probably using him for various favours, dangling a vague promise in the air but never confirming.

There's also a scenario where they are genuinely great friends and there is no second layer to all this.

Would you be able to tell which one is it? Probably not.

Allsorts1 · 16/12/2021 17:39

I would walk away from this one OP. The likely scenario is that he’s smitten with her and she is enjoying the attention. Find someone without such obvious baggage, you don’t need to catch feelings for someone when there is this massive red flag waving in your face.

Original poster

Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 17:50

So should I not bring it up with him do you think? The situation makes me not want to see him to be honest. But then I wonder why he’s been so open about it.

OP posts:

Aubree17 · 16/12/2021 17:51

How old is she?
It seems strange.
But he has suggested you meet her at this weekend event so that would make me less uncomfortable?

DrManhattan · 16/12/2021 17:52

I couldn't be arsed with that situation. Way too much admin. I'd cut your losses and run

Original poster

Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 17:56

If I decide not to continue seeing him I think I should tell him why.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 17:58

As in I’m not comfortable with you spending Xmas Day with this woman. If it was the other way round I’m sure he’d be as jealous as hell!

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 16/12/2021 18:00

Just tell him that your not happy with the dynamic. End of.

forinborin · 16/12/2021 18:00

@Jasmine89

So should I not bring it up with him do you think? The situation makes me not want to see him to be honest. But then I wonder why he’s been so open about it.

Are you sure he actually thinks you are in a relationship as opposed to FWB? If you both are spending Christmas alone (as seems to be the case), several months in I'd expect an invitation, tbh.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2021 18:04

I'd be very suspicious and wouldn't want to deal with that nonsense.

bubblesbubbles11 · 16/12/2021 18:04

I think a lot of men, whether they admit it or not, will always jump at any chance to have a relationship with a younger or even much younger woman. Sorry. If you carry on by ignoring it, you could "find" yourself in a situation where he just tells you nonchalantly one day that he and this younger woman are exclusive. It certainly sounds like in his mind at the very least he is seeing both of you at the same time and there is nothing wrong with that because he has not been clear about exclusivity with you.

Original poster

Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 18:04

No I’m with family and as it’s only a couple of months in, too soon to ask him along. He has asked when he can see me though. I think I just need to say I’m not happy with the dynamic as @DrManhattan suggests. If he runs at that, he’s flakey.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 16/12/2021 18:08

As said, he's hoping that something will happen between them. He isn't going to focus on things with you completely. Is he better off than her and his place nicer? She's got benefits going on without having to have sex with him.

TwistedOlivers · 16/12/2021 18:08

Nope, this wouldn't sit well with me at all
Cut your losses and tell him
Reminds me of a friend a couple of years ago that started seeing a guy, he sent her pics of his best friend who happened to be a woman, pics of him and her/pics of her pouting (nothing sleazy) and expected her to comment on them
The last comment she sent was 'Oh she's beautiful in this pic, I hope you'll be very happy together. Please don't send me any more though as I know you're doing it to make me jealous and it really isn't working. It's over. Have a nice life. Bye'
Never heard from him again

forinborin · 16/12/2021 18:09

@Jasmine89

No I’m with family and as it’s only a couple of months in, too soon to ask him along. He has asked when he can see me though. I think I just need to say I’m not happy with the dynamic as *@DrManhattan* suggests. If he runs at that, he’s flakey.

I'd ask him along then. Just as a test. Not a hard invite as in - "we're seeing aunt Marge at 10am on Christmas Day, wear your best" - more like discussing a hypothetical scenario. Of course, assuming no young children involved where there might be concerns about introducing a new boyfriend. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

LittleRoundRobin · 16/12/2021 18:09

All sounds a bit odd. Couldn't be fucked with this tbh. Bet this man is LOVING all the female attention!

Thatsplentyjack · 16/12/2021 18:10

Even if there's nothing going on, it's an odd situation and I couldn't be bothered with it

forinborin · 16/12/2021 18:11

@bubblesbubbles11

Probably much younger (as in, early-mid-20s) - yes.

But, I don't think that at the age OP refers to there will be much difference between a 35 year old and a 55 year old potential girlfriend.

hivemindneeded · 16/12/2021 18:12

I wouldn't go anywhere near this man. If I started dating a new man and he told me all about his beautiful younger friend I'd think he may as well have shoved a placard in my face which read: I'm just not that into you. I'd also suspect him of having me as bait for the younger woman to prove he still has it.

If he's also spending Christmas Day with her, he's testing you to see how much of a doormat you are happy to be as back up when she spurns him. I wouldn't see him again.

immersivereader · 16/12/2021 18:13

I bet he's happy, sleeping with two women

XmasSadface · 16/12/2021 18:14

Let me guess, she is 'messed up' and has loads of people being horrible to her, some kind of 'complicated' past?

immersivereader · 16/12/2021 18:14

She doesn’t have family so he’s having her round for Christmas dinner as he’s not visiting his family either (so just the two of them

^
😅

ToykotoLosAngeles · 16/12/2021 18:15

How long have they known each other? If less than say 5 years that's not enough time for it to definitely only be a friendship.

TwistedOlivers · 16/12/2021 18:16

@immersivereader

She doesn’t have family so he’s having her round for Christmas dinner as he’s not visiting his family either (so just the two of them

^
😅

With lots of booze, rendering her unable to drive home therefore she'll have to sleep in the spare room......

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread