New man and younger woman friend

[Jasmine89]

Sorry another post from me! Been seeing a new man for a couple of months now, he seems lovely and is attentive and caring. We’re both in our 50s and divorced. He has a much younger woman friend who he describes as beautiful and they spend quite a lot of time together. They met through their dogs and usually go dog walking but I know she spends time at his place too. She doesn’t have family so he’s having her round for Christmas dinner as he’s not visiting his family either (so just the two of them). He did ask me to go along to something she’s organising this weekend but I can’t make it. I can’t help feeling a bit uncomfortable about the older man/beautiful young woman friendship, although he’s been very open about it. Am I being unduly paranoid?

I haven’t tried to break up the friendship @JingsMahBucket, I just said that I was a bit uncomfortable able them spending Christmas Day together. I never even mentioned it before knowing that.

Not for me. While it's not possible to say for certain whether its appropriate or not, given its only been two months and there are plenty of other men out there, I wouldn't be entertaining one who had a situation like this.

@Jasmine89

I’ve sent him a message to say I’d like a chat. I can’t just let this go and wish I’d said something when he told me yesterday she was coming for dinner. If the shoe was on the other foot and I was friends with a much younger man, I’d definitely not be asking him for Christmas if I knew it wouldn’t sit well with my new BF.

Seriously? You’d ditch an existing friend you valued in case a very new boyfriend didn’t like it?

I'm on the fence in this one, if it's been ongoing for well before you and nothings happened then one, or both are not interested in anything sexual. It's nice they've both got someone to have Xmas lunch with, many times, when I was single, I've had Xmas lunch with friends. I've also got lots of male friends, of all ages and they are all platonic. He's being open and honest with you and not excluding you. If you like him, I'd just go with it. Keep an eye on how you feel and give it more time. If it still bothers you then have a chat. I think you'd come across as a bit of a jealous loon if you tell him to give up his friendship at this point

He's been open because he likes the idea of having two women in his life, each vying for his attention. I'd move on a find someone who doesn't have "friends" like this. It gets very wearing , dealing with a man who has young, attractive female friends.

Just to confirm

Open = he likes the attention of two women
Secretive = Obviously cheating and wants to shag her

There's no way for him to win is there?

@Jasmine89 so you want him to be on his own on Xmas day?

I would not have mentioned it to someone I’d been only in a relationship with a few weeks. I meet up with dog walking friends. I can’t see the issue if they are both on their own in Christmas Day.

I’d hold my tongue until I’d seen them together and seen what the dynamic was like.

It’s not him having a younger female friend from walking, or even spending xmas day together if he/they have few options, it’s things like describing her to you as ‘beautiful’. That’s icky.

When I started a job at 20 I made a male friend 25 years older than me. We had and still have tons in common. We are still friends over 20 years later because we still share the same interests.

There has never been any romantic attraction between us, he spent one Christmas with my family because his wife has to travel abroad for an unwell family member.

I've no idea how he would describe me if asked.

You sound like you want him to be alone for Christmas and have put him in a pick me scenario saying that you will have to decide how you feel about things. If you don't like the dynamic, that's completely up to you, so end things.

This sounds manipulative to me.

@Dozer that’s it exactly. And he says people describe her as “striking”. I haven’t said anywhere I want him to end the friendship; I know it’s up to me to see if I can accept it.

Talking about how other people describe her looks is also icky!

Seems a case of whether, as you get to know him, you still like your boyfriend, including his actions/behaviours. He’s recently shown you a couple of things you - understandably - dislike.
It’s not a ‘pick me’ situation.

Oh dear, OP. This one has all the terrible cliches and BS jumping out from that jack in the box.

Biz Markie's Just a Friend springs to mind!

Personally, I wouldn't like this situation... it would rub me the wrong way too. If there's a lot of this type of 'stuff' with him, rubbing you the wrong way, I'd give the relationship's future some serious thought. You want to feel good, right? You don't want to be second-guessing and questioning his actions. He'll normalise his actions but, to be honest, this friendship seems a bit off to me. I can actually see it turning into a type of 'I slipped on a gravy-soaked Christmas cracker and next thing you know, my dick was inside her' scenario. Sorry to be blunt. I've been there! I safely removed the 'she's just a friend' hook from my own mouth for my own sanity. You might consider doing the same. Who needs it?

@Jasmine89

I was a bit taken aback when he described her as beautiful I must say. And yes he’s told me I’m beautiful. But what do I say to him? Sorry it doesn’t sit well that you’re spending Xmas Day with this much younger beautiful woman? I think that just about sums it up!

YANBU. I was in this situation once and I tried to ignore what my intuition was telling me but obviously, he would have been with her if she'd had any interest in him like that, but she didn't because he was a jaded old 47 year old and he looked at me like i was old compared to this beauty who wanted nothing to do with him really. He was working at keeping the ''friendship'' alive. She couldn't have given a rats ass either way.

What I wish I'd said to him was a final ''look, it's just such a turn off to see you hankering after a woman who has no romantic interest in you. It's a turn of that you don't value me. Bye.

Instead, I shared all my thought processes with him, got called insecure. I'm not. I was observant.

[quote Jasmine89]@Dozer that’s it exactly. And he says people describe her as “striking”. I haven’t said anywhere I want him to end the friendship; I know it’s up to me to see if I can accept it.[/quote]
Two good follow up questions.

''oh, and how do people describe me?!''

Him: silence.

or

How do people describe your looks do you think?

Him: ................

It's of no relevance to him really if a young woman he knows very peripherally is described as beautiful or not. What does he want, validation by association? Puffing himself up, ''I am the aquaintance of a beautiful woman!''. Wow.

I'd say he is the type to be validated not embarrassed by a trophy girlfriend. That's the red flag.

For all those saying this is absolutely fine, he's made it awkward by describing her as 'beautiful' and now 'striking'. When a man has had a lot to say about other women's looks, it's never boded very well for me. Not that they've necessarily cheated (although some have), just that they've been inconsiderate of my feelings and had one eye elsewhere. I think that's what's being picked up.on, not that he isn't allowed a female friend.

OP isn't wanting to ban him from seeing his pal, just decide what she does next, knowing what he has said.

forinborin

The most likely scenario is that he secretly hopes that she'll fall for him and is using you now as a stick to poke her, i.e. cause some jealousy. And she is probably using him for various favours, dangling a vague promise in the air but never confirming.“

Agree with this, I’m afraid.
Why aren’t you invited for dinner, too?

Do you even know the first thing about their friendship? Or have you just jumped to conclusions because he's a MAN and she's a WOMAN who is YOUNG and apparently PRETTY. How much older would she have to be for this to pass your prejudiced test? Would it be OK if she was plain and bespectacled?

It's common for people who are otherwise alone on Christmas Day to spend it with each other. There are plenty of those people - whose partners have died, whose families are abusive, whose loved ones are in a different country. These waifs and strays find their kin at Christmas and it's really not up to you to barrel in and tell them not to do it.

Friendships aren't limited to people of the same gender or age group either. I know this is difficult to understand for the kind of people who think all socialising is split along same-sex lines but if you bond with people over things you're interested in, you end up making friends with absolutely all sorts. I was friends with older men in my 20s because we both enjoyed the same sort of music. I'm still friends with them! They're good friendships and never anything other than platonic. I've also now made friends with younger men through the same interest. In all cases any partner who huffed about it would swiftly be an ex-partner.

You're free to not date anyone for whatever reason so I'd advise you to let him go and let him find someone who doesn't want to control his friendships.

I don't think you're in a position to restrict this friendship. For one thing, I doubt it would work. But neither would I be wasting my time trying to square the circle and make myself be ok with something I wasn't. There are far more men who don't have beautiful young friends out there than do. Move on before you get attached, or I'll bet my house it'll be one thing after another you don't like about this friendship, insecurity after discomfort, questioning after analysing. Its no way to live.

@gannett

Do you even know the first thing about their friendship? Or have you just jumped to conclusions because he's a MAN and she's a WOMAN who is YOUNG and apparently PRETTY. How much older would she have to be for this to pass your prejudiced test? Would it be OK if she was plain and bespectacled?

It's common for people who are otherwise alone on Christmas Day to spend it with each other. There are plenty of those people - whose partners have died, whose families are abusive, whose loved ones are in a different country. These waifs and strays find their kin at Christmas and it's really not up to you to barrel in and tell them not to do it.

Friendships aren't limited to people of the same gender or age group either. I know this is difficult to understand for the kind of people who think all socialising is split along same-sex lines but if you bond with people over things you're interested in, you end up making friends with absolutely all sorts. I was friends with older men in my 20s because we both enjoyed the same sort of music. I'm still friends with them! They're good friendships and never anything other than platonic. I've also now made friends with younger men through the same interest. In all cases any partner who huffed about it would swiftly be an ex-partner.

You're free to not date anyone for whatever reason so I'd advise you to let him go and let him find someone who doesn't want to control his friendships.

On balance of probability a heterosexual middle aged man is going to be attracted to a young women he likes very much and considers beautiful. To think otherwise is very naive. Nothing may come of it, but usually that's because the young woman doesn't reciprocate. Who wants to be in a relationship suspecting he would if he could?

I was in my early 20th when I met my best friend 25 years older than me. Through work. We had country walks together, went for meals and I have been at his house no end of times and he has been at my house many times. Never ever there was even a hint of anything romantic. He was a witness on my wedding years later. I still meet him one to one and I still go to his place by myself sometimes and he comes to my house. Again nothing ever happened or will happen. I knew him for years and 1000% sure he feels exactly the same.

On balance of probability a heterosexual middle aged man is going to be attracted to a young women he likes very much and considers beautiful. To think otherwise is very naive. Nothing may come of it, but usually that's because the young woman doesn't reciprocate. Who wants to be in a relationship suspecting he would if he could?

I really couldn't get worked up about people being attracted to other people. It happens, people have eyes. Maybe those older men thought I was pretty. I certainly think some of the younger (and older) men I'm friends with are good-looking. What none of us did or do is act on it because it's possible to think someone is beautiful while also knowing you don't want to complicate a friendship (or cheat on a partner) by shagging them. It's called self-control. Most people I'm friends with have it.

While I previously said it’s a red flag, I would 100% NOT say anything to him. Either you accept it, or you move on. Two months in is way way too early to be dictating how someone spends their Xmas day or telling them you’re uncomfortable with their friendships. Ultimately, I think it’s a red flag and he’s secretly smitten - but you telling him you’re uncomfortable with the friendship does nothing to solve that.

Either you zip it and see how things progress, maybe this little romance/friendship thing fizzles out naturally as you become more serious OR you just leave it and find someone without this attachment.

Making it an issue at this early stage isn’t an option, in my opinion. And stopping them from spending Xmas together does nothing to address anything except make you seem controlling if it is actually innocent.

Hopefully you haven’t already had “a chat”.