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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man and younger woman friend

156 replies

Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 17:10

Sorry another post from me! Been seeing a new man for a couple of months now, he seems lovely and is attentive and caring. We’re both in our 50s and divorced. He has a much younger woman friend who he describes as beautiful and they spend quite a lot of time together. They met through their dogs and usually go dog walking but I know she spends time at his place too. She doesn’t have family so he’s having her round for Christmas dinner as he’s not visiting his family either (so just the two of them). He did ask me to go along to something she’s organising this weekend but I can’t make it. I can’t help feeling a bit uncomfortable about the older man/beautiful young woman friendship, although he’s been very open about it. Am I being unduly paranoid?

OP posts:
TwistedOlivers · 16/12/2021 18:17

I've used completely the wrong word there but I know what I mean 😂 (lonnnng shift at work)

RozHuntleysStump · 16/12/2021 18:18

Hell to the no

RedBonnet · 16/12/2021 18:20

This is my own personal view and in no way an expert opinion, just from my experience - but I don't believe men and women can ever be just friends. One of them is always in love with the other. Whether it is openly admitted or not. I've never been proven wrong. And sometimes these 'friendships' can last for years. Longevity doesn't prove anything.

forinborin · 16/12/2021 18:22

@RedBonnet

This is my own personal view and in no way an expert opinion, just from my experience - but I don't believe men and women can ever be just friends. One of them is always in love with the other. Whether it is openly admitted or not. I've never been proven wrong. And sometimes these 'friendships' can last for years. Longevity doesn't prove anything.
I think they can, but several years down the line after the relationship between then did not work. Or if one of them is not straight.
Original poster
Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 18:24

I’ve sent him a message to say I’d like a chat. I can’t just let this go and wish I’d said something when he told me yesterday she was coming for dinner. If the shoe was on the other foot and I was friends with a much younger man, I’d definitely not be asking him for Christmas if I knew it wouldn’t sit well with my new BF.

OP posts:
bubblesbubbles11 · 16/12/2021 18:26

forinborin

I respectfully disagree. I think a lot of men see a relationship where the woman is much younger as some kind of trophy / status situation for them. Its old fashioned but sadly I suspect it is still the case for loads of men. They think attracting a younger woman is somehow a sign of their own virility/ attractiveness. Sad but true.

Fatherliamdeliverance · 16/12/2021 18:29

Well done for raising this with him, it does sound like a funny set up, and I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. If it was a friend of many years standing, fine, but how long has he actually known this younger woman and how did they meet?

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2021 18:31

@Jasmine89

I’ve sent him a message to say I’d like a chat. I can’t just let this go and wish I’d said something when he told me yesterday she was coming for dinner. If the shoe was on the other foot and I was friends with a much younger man, I’d definitely not be asking him for Christmas if I knew it wouldn’t sit well with my new BF.
If the shoe was on the other foot and I was friends with a much younger man, I’d definitely not be asking him for Christmas if I knew it wouldn’t sit well with my new BF.

There's no way I'd start treating my friends differently just because I'd got a new boyfriend but each to their own I guess.

How old is the young woman btw?

forinborin · 16/12/2021 18:33

@bubblesbubbles11

forinborin

I respectfully disagree. I think a lot of men see a relationship where the woman is much younger as some kind of trophy / status situation for them. Its old fashioned but sadly I suspect it is still the case for loads of men. They think attracting a younger woman is somehow a sign of their own virility/ attractiveness. Sad but true.

I agree, but I think it is more or less limited to the "college age" women (girls, really). I don't think there's any special alpha-status obtained by a 55 year old man from dating a 35 year old frazzled single mum.
dumplings1 · 16/12/2021 18:35

He describes her as beautiful, because he fancies her and if he had his way she would be his gf and he's not visiting his family because he'd rather be with her. Sorry to be blunt, let him go.

Original poster
Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 18:37

I think she’s late 20s/early 30s. He’s at least 20-25 years older. They met walking their dogs and she doesn’t appear to have female friends. He’s given the impression he’s very invested in me and is making plans for the future etc. To give him his due he has asked me to meet her tomorrow night but I can’t go....

OP posts:
TwistedOlivers · 16/12/2021 18:37

Has he told you that you're beautiful OP?

dworky · 16/12/2021 18:38

It's not necessarily iffy but you should investigate further.

Original poster
Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 18:39

I was a bit taken aback when he described her as beautiful I must say. And yes he’s told me I’m beautiful. But what do I say to him? Sorry it doesn’t sit well that you’re spending Xmas Day with this much younger beautiful woman? I think that just about sums it up!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/12/2021 18:41

It could be a pile of bollocks, to get you to invite him to your family Christmas.

Or, he could've spun her a pile of bollocks about being alone on Xmas day, to get her to agree to be with him.

bubblesbubbles11 · 16/12/2021 18:41

"I agree, but I think it is more or less limited to the "college age" women (girls, really). I don't think there's any special alpha-status obtained by a 55 year old man from dating a 35 year old frazzled single mum."

Yes I agree that the personal circumstances of the younger woman are important and a lot of men will avoid a single mum primarily because they don't want someone else's kids getting in the way, but if both the 55 year old woman and the 35 yr old woman are child free for whatever reason then the man will most likely go for the 35 yr old.

The attraction is the old chestnut of getting someone who has lots of options themselves and younger woman generally have more options than older woman (generally speaking) so men see them as a catch.

bubblesbubbles11 · 16/12/2021 18:45

"I was a bit taken aback when he described her as beautiful I must say. And yes he’s told me I’m beautiful"

sorry this just sounds creepy (the telling multiple women they are beautiful)

Nsky · 16/12/2021 18:45

Strange so involved if he values you, she should back off too

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/12/2021 18:48

He told you she was beautiful? It's a strange thing to say - what context was that in?!

Original poster
Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 18:49

I think I asked him what she looked like 😳

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 16/12/2021 18:49

Having a friend is one thing, telling you that she's beautiful is a bad sign. Either he's trying to make you react, or he's so keen on her that he can't stop himself. Either way bad news.

XmasSadface · 16/12/2021 18:50

A woman who doesnt have a single female friend is a red flag

SnackSizeRaisin · 16/12/2021 18:50

I think I asked him what she looked like

Well he could have said brown hair blue eyes a bit taller than you or something....

Original poster
Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 18:51

I’m dreading talking to him about this but I know I have to. Supposed to be going to his for dinner on Sat but need to talk before then.

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 16/12/2021 18:57

I don't think there's a lot to talk about really...either accept the situation, or wait a bit longer and meet her to see what that tells you, or end it now...there's no point asking him not to see her or asking for explanation