New man and younger woman friend

[Jasmine89]

Sorry another post from me! Been seeing a new man for a couple of months now, he seems lovely and is attentive and caring. We’re both in our 50s and divorced. He has a much younger woman friend who he describes as beautiful and they spend quite a lot of time together. They met through their dogs and usually go dog walking but I know she spends time at his place too. She doesn’t have family so he’s having her round for Christmas dinner as he’s not visiting his family either (so just the two of them). He did ask me to go along to something she’s organising this weekend but I can’t make it. I can’t help feeling a bit uncomfortable about the older man/beautiful young woman friendship, although he’s been very open about it. Am I being unduly paranoid?

It seems very very unlikely that someone in their late 20s/early 30s, an age where most people have a very wide social group, has any friends or family at all to spend Xmas with other than a 50 year old fella she met walking her dog. Something very odd there.

And having said that I also wouldn't be happy with being set up to be the jealous one which he is obviously doing here, telling you she us beautiful and striking and that they are spending Christmas together alone. I honestly wouldn't give him the satisfaction of bringing up her having dinner there, I'd just say things weren't working out and leave it at that

@gannett

On balance of probability a heterosexual middle aged man is going to be attracted to a young women he likes very much and considers beautiful. To think otherwise is very naive. Nothing may come of it, but usually that's because the young woman doesn't reciprocate. Who wants to be in a relationship suspecting he would if he could?

I really couldn't get worked up about people being attracted to other people. It happens, people have eyes. Maybe those older men thought I was pretty. I certainly think some of the younger (and older) men I'm friends with are good-looking. What none of us did or do is act on it because it's possible to think someone is beautiful while also knowing you don't want to complicate a friendship (or cheat on a partner) by shagging them. It's called self-control. Most people I'm friends with have it.

I think that’s fair. Like @Iwonder08, I have a much older male close friend — a former colleague — and it’s been a happy, uncomplicated relationship for nearly 20 years. I’ve happily married all along, he was unhappily married, then divorced and is now in a new relationship. I can see he’s an attractive man, objectively, but he’s not on my radar in any sexual way.

If you are uncomfortable with this I would give this guy a miss. You probably know in your gut that something is not right...

It might be that he is hoping that this younger lady will see him as more than a friend but that in the meantime he is dating other women.

Surely the issue here though isn't that he's male and she's female, or even the age gap, it's that she's a Very Important Person in his life. They hang out together, spend the weekend before Christmas together, are planning to spend Christmas Day together. He describes her as beautiful, striking and goes on about her a lot.

My husband had many female friendships, but there wasn't one female friend at the centre of his life, he would see them as and when every couple of months for a quick drink, or the odd lunch/dinner. Their lives weren't entwined as these two are.

@gannett

On balance of probability a heterosexual middle aged man is going to be attracted to a young women he likes very much and considers beautiful. To think otherwise is very naive. Nothing may come of it, but usually that's because the young woman doesn't reciprocate. Who wants to be in a relationship suspecting he would if he could?

I really couldn't get worked up about people being attracted to other people. It happens, people have eyes. Maybe those older men thought I was pretty. I certainly think some of the younger (and older) men I'm friends with are good-looking. What none of us did or do is act on it because it's possible to think someone is beautiful while also knowing you don't want to complicate a friendship (or cheat on a partner) by shagging them. It's called self-control. Most people I'm friends with have it.

Well that's good. But on balance of probability my point still stands. And why should the OP, who is worked up about it, waste her time on a man where this is even a possibility, when there are thousands of them who don't have these friendships? So many people try to convince people that they should be ok with things men do that they don't like. Its like men are an endangered species to hang onto at all costs.

Well that's good. But on balance of probability my point still stands. And why should the OP, who is worked up about it, waste her time on a man where this is even a possibility, when there are thousands of them who don't have these friendships? So many people try to convince people that they should be ok with things men do that they don't like. Its like men are an endangered species to hang onto at all costs.

Personally I want a partner who does have strong friendships. It's a good character trait imo. The idea that it's a negative is quite bizarre to me.

OP doesn't say she doesn't like this man as a person. She doesn't like this friendship, but that says nothing about the quality of his character.

But I agree she should leave the relationship for whatever reason she wants - whether that's a good reason (she doesn't like him as a person) or a bad (imo) reason (she gets het up about friendships).

I’m another who has had a long-term, completely platonic but close friendship with an older man. In my case, his now-wife (who came along years after we were friends) made a big fuss and said she didn’t want him to see me any more. This was from early days: about a month after he started seeing her, he cancelled long-standing plans with me at her insistence. It was disappointing at the time, but I was glad he’d found someone. She is the same age as him, and that’s all good.

What’s less good is that the ban on seeing me is still in force years later. It’s counterproductive. He has lied to her to see me, and I feel mixed guilt and defiance in still wanting to see him. It’s sad, when we could all have been friends. I’m married to someone else and I have kids: there is no danger from me.

So overall, and I think you have already understood this, there may or may not be an issue, but heavy-handed demands to give her up won’t help.

HNRTT but you have known him for two months, haven't invited him to Christmas dinner as it's not been long enough but have firm enough opinions about how he spends his Christmas with what he says is a platonic friend and you don't trust or believe him. Perhaps it might be best that you end the relationship.

PMSL about the certainty of some of the PPs I have read. I would love to see the police procedural scripted and acted by them. At the crime scene 'It's definitely the husband. The son. The neighbour. They're the murderer'. 'Sorry Ma'am, it's a burglary'.

"not to see their long-standing friend"

but it's not just seeing as in happen to meet each other on dog walks - it is a pre arranged agreement to spend Christmas day. Of course that could still be platonic but chances are it is not, at least not from his side.

He is spending Christmas day alone with a young woman that he thinks is beautiful. Let's face it, any hint of a chance with her and he's going to take it.

@bubblesbubbles11

"not to see their long-standing friend"

but it's not just seeing as in happen to meet each other on dog walks - it is a pre arranged agreement to spend Christmas day. Of course that could still be platonic but chances are it is not, at least not from his side.

So what if it’s pre-arranged? That’s what appointments and plans are. The clue is in the name. They’ve known each other for ages in his own words. Why can’t they spend Christmas together in peace?

He likes her, she likes the attention.

You will never come first in someone's eyes if they're focused on someone else.

Disappointing and painful but that's been my experience.

[quote Jasmine89]@Dozer that’s it exactly. And he says people describe her as “striking”. I haven’t said anywhere I want him to end the friendship; I know it’s up to me to see if I can accept it.[/quote]
@Jasmine89 @Dozer again, so what? What’s wrong with him mentioning this? Some people just really are striking or beautiful and that’s just life. If his friend were somebody like Kate Winslet who a lot of people consider beautiful, what’s so bad about him saying that?

You literally asked him what she looks like.

It sounds like you’re letting your insecurity back this poor guy into a corner.

If he didn’t mention her being beautiful then when you later met her, 10 to 1 bet you’d be upset with him for “keeping it a secret from you”. Or at least people on this thread would be accusing him of doing that. He can’t win in this situation.

@Jasmine89

I actually don’t want him spending Xmas Day with my family, it’s too soon. If I asked him I’m sure he’d jump at the chance. I’m caught really; I can’t ask him not to have her over, all I can say is that it makes me feel uncomfortable and gauge his reaction.

So you won't want him with you but you want him to choose you, uninvite her and them both spend it alone because you're insecure?

I wouldn't be happy either op. Personally I would walk away from the relationship as I wouldn't want to feel unhappy and insecure in a relationship.

@RedBonnet

This is my own personal view and in no way an expert opinion, just from my experience - but I don't believe men and women can ever be just friends. One of them is always in love with the other. Whether it is openly admitted or not. I've never been proven wrong. And sometimes these 'friendships' can last for years. Longevity doesn't prove anything.

Wowsers.

So ... my handful of male friends are all secretly passionately in love with me? Who knew?!

It's obviously true, as I'm not in love with any of them.
What with @RedBonnet never being wrong, looks like my so-called friends don't have a leg to stand on. AND 3 of them are married. Bastards!

@Jasmine89

I’ve sent him a message to say I’d like a chat. I can’t just let this go and wish I’d said something when he told me yesterday she was coming for dinner. If the shoe was on the other foot and I was friends with a much younger man, I’d definitely not be asking him for Christmas if I knew it wouldn’t sit well with my new BF.

If someone I'd been dating for a couple of months told me they were upset about my long-standing friendship with another person, & that they'd rather I didn't spend a planned xmas day with them ... I'd finish with the datee immediately.

& if someone I was dating for a couple of months removed an old friend from their life in case the friendship got misinterpreted ... I'd think they were disloyal, & a sap. And finish with them.

@ChargingBuck I have a few of those too, should I tell him partner he's secretly in love with and probably has been for 24 years???

It's a revelation all right @SleepingStandingUp.
Not sure what to do about it now. Some of these guys have obviously had the unrequiteds for me for 4 decades, the poor sods ...

Without being rude to people who argues that from their own experience men and women can be friends, therefore the OP is unreasonable; I wonder, are you extremely attractive, and were your friends single when they met you? This women is described as beautiful, which suggests to me that she is the type of woman men are more likely to be attracted to than not. Like it or not, the more physically attractive a woman is the more likely her male 'friends' are to develop feelings for her, especially if the men do not have partners. They like her a lot, she's beautiful...why wouldn't they?

I don't think this is about male/female friendships, tbh.

I bet no-one on here had a single male friend in his 50's who asked them around for Christmas dinner when they were in their 20/30's and they said yes and went round so it's a moot point!

Christmas Day is a time usually reserved for those closest to us, that's just how it is...

Funnily enough I always thought I had lots of platonic male friends. Then as soon as I split from my partner found their intentions were entirely different. Real Eye opener

@OnwardsAndSideways1

I don't think this is about male/female friendships, tbh.

I bet no-one on here had a single male friend in his 50's who asked them around for Christmas dinner when they were in their 20/30's and they said yes and went round so it's a moot point!

Christmas Day is a time usually reserved for those closest to us, that's just how it is...

Exactly. The whole set up is just weird.

No.
I wouldn't be at home to that at all.
Leave them to it.
I'd drop him but I wouldn't bother telling him why.
Don't give him the satisfaction.