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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man and younger woman friend

156 replies

Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 17:10

Sorry another post from me! Been seeing a new man for a couple of months now, he seems lovely and is attentive and caring. We’re both in our 50s and divorced. He has a much younger woman friend who he describes as beautiful and they spend quite a lot of time together. They met through their dogs and usually go dog walking but I know she spends time at his place too. She doesn’t have family so he’s having her round for Christmas dinner as he’s not visiting his family either (so just the two of them). He did ask me to go along to something she’s organising this weekend but I can’t make it. I can’t help feeling a bit uncomfortable about the older man/beautiful young woman friendship, although he’s been very open about it. Am I being unduly paranoid?

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 16/12/2021 18:58

@forinborin

The most likely scenario is that he secretly hopes that she'll fall for him and is using you now as a stick to poke her, i.e. cause some jealousy. And she is probably using him for various favours, dangling a vague promise in the air but never confirming.

There's also a scenario where they are genuinely great friends and there is no second layer to all this.

Would you be able to tell which one is it? Probably not.

^ this No way of knowing for sure!
ChristmasFluff · 16/12/2021 19:01

Just dump him. Two months is too soon to be talking about who he should and shouldn't be seeing.

He's acting squirrelly, so just dump. It's only a clouple of months, there's no need to be too attached or make it a big deal.

A previous poster has it completely - it's triangulation - and she is the true prize, not you.

Dump him and if he asks for a reason, tell him you think there's no spark or something bland like that. Then block him. He's a game-playing twat.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 16/12/2021 19:02

So it’s too soon for the two of you to spend Christmas Day together.

But not too soon for him to spend Christmas Day with some random he met dog walking.

OK……….

That in itself is odd. Let alone the fact that she doesn’t have an actual friend of family member to spend it with - that is seriously strange.

Original poster
Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 19:15

I actually don’t want him spending Xmas Day with my family, it’s too soon. If I asked him I’m sure he’d jump at the chance. I’m caught really; I can’t ask him not to have her over, all I can say is that it makes me feel uncomfortable and gauge his reaction.

OP posts:
Pinkdhalia · 16/12/2021 19:18

ask him to your family dinner! as a friend! why not! i wouldn't trust her even if i trusted him..a few drinks out of sight out of mind. temptation is always just a drink away with some 'friends'

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 16/12/2021 19:30

Don't go into competition with her, you are going to lose. All very strange, as is the fact he's obviously gone on about her a lot...I wouldn't want to be second prize here, even if she doesn't want him or is feigning ignorance about the whole thing (I mean what twenty something wants to spend Christmas Day with their dog walking 50 year old male friend and hasn't even considered there's anything in it?)

Original poster
Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 19:34

Yes when you put it like that, it seems seriously off @OnwardsAndSideways1. In all other ways though he has seemed exemplary but perhaps this should be a deal breaker.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 16/12/2021 19:36

@forinborin

The most likely scenario is that he secretly hopes that she'll fall for him and is using you now as a stick to poke her, i.e. cause some jealousy. And she is probably using him for various favours, dangling a vague promise in the air but never confirming.

There's also a scenario where they are genuinely great friends and there is no second layer to all this.

Would you be able to tell which one is it? Probably not.

“The most likely scenario”? How the fuck do you know that? Do you know this guy?
RogueV · 16/12/2021 19:45

YANBU

bubblesbubbles11 · 16/12/2021 19:55

"even if she doesn't want him or is feigning ignorance about the whole thing (I mean what twenty something wants to spend Christmas Day with their dog walking 50 year old male friend and hasn't even considered there's anything in it?)"

in the above scenario i agree she would be feigning ignorance because she would definitely know the 50 year old male friend fancied her but some 20 something women like "playing" with older males because they get a kick out of it/the attention but they have absolutely no intention of allowing it to become something more than friendship.

Campfirewood · 16/12/2021 19:55

I do have genuine male friends I have no interest in romantically and I really don't think they fancy me. We were part of a large group of male/female mix. So I do think males and females can just be friends!
But, I think this scenario is a bit off though, I'd have my spidey senses tingling here!

slashlover · 16/12/2021 20:01

If a guy started trying to influence my friendships 2 months in then he'd be told to get lost.

Unsure33 · 16/12/2021 20:13

He has offered for you to meet. Tbh I would have left it until after the meeting to make judgements.

Chasingaftermidnight · 16/12/2021 20:14

Yep, sounds odd and if I were in your shoes I would probably end things with him.

forinborin · 16/12/2021 20:15

“The most likely scenario”? How the fuck do you know that? Do you know this guy?
The most likely scenario, as in, based on my own observations of 50+ year old men grasping at the last drops of their testosterone, their 20-something beautiful and lonely "just friends" and the limited information given in the OP. A statistical judgment rather than an insult of the intentions of this, no doubt, very remarkable gentleman.

billy1966 · 16/12/2021 20:38

As a woman in her late 50's I absolutely concur with @forinborin

Not all men were sleazy about it, but certainly the amount of men I met that thought the 20 year age gap shouldn't trouble me was astounding.

They thought their "experience" would be hugely attractive.🙄

These were highly qualified professional men....who really thought that your average 25 year old is gagging for a 45-50 year old divorced man. 🙄
The environment was investment banking which was littered with divorced men.

OP,
Definitely do not ask him over on Christmas day, god no.

I wouldn't give him the sut of him thinking you are jealous.

I would just tell him that you will leave him to her.
Thanks but no thanks.

There is NO way his thoughts are paternal towards her.🙄

I couldn't be arsed with such tedious/creepy behaviour.

DropYourSword · 16/12/2021 21:08

@slashlover

If a guy started trying to influence my friendships 2 months in then he'd be told to get lost.
Same. There’s an entire thread of people here who have decided he can’t possibly just be friends with her despite knowing the square root of fuck all about him!

OP - it’s up to you whether you feel comfortable with this and it’s up to you whether you decide to continue your relationship. But you can’t ask someone not to see their long-standing friend when you’ve been in a relationship for 2 months.

whistleryukon · 16/12/2021 21:20

I have a couple of close male friends who are about 20 years older than me and they definitely don't fancy me. And vice versa. If I didn't have a family and they had nobody to spend Christmas with either I would be happy to spend it with them 🤷🏼‍♀️

slashlover · 16/12/2021 21:42

@Jasmine89

I actually don’t want him spending Xmas Day with my family, it’s too soon. If I asked him I’m sure he’d jump at the chance. I’m caught really; I can’t ask him not to have her over, all I can say is that it makes me feel uncomfortable and gauge his reaction.
So you don't want him to spend Christmas with you but you don't want him to spend it with his friend either?
Original poster
Jasmine89 · 16/12/2021 21:45

Agree @DropYourSword. I wouldn’t dream of asking him not to see her but we have now spoken about this and I’ve simply told him it made me feel uncomfortable. His response was obvious; I’ve known her for ages, we’re just friends, she sort of invited herself over blah blah. He did offer to tell her that it was now inappropriate for her to come but I told him I didn’t want that. I told him my discomfiture meant that I had to raise the issue and that it was now up to me to decide what to do.

OP posts:
bubblesbubbles11 · 17/12/2021 00:45

billy1966 Thu 16-Dec-21 20:38:37

Exactly what you said.

Cascascascas · 17/12/2021 05:21

@Jasmine89

Do you really think why will be at on the Brussels sprouts?

Cascascascas · 17/12/2021 05:22

@Jasmine89

I meant do you really think they will be at it on the Brussel sprouts ?

ShippingNews · 17/12/2021 05:36

@Jasmine89

So should I not bring it up with him do you think? The situation makes me not want to see him to be honest. But then I wonder why he’s been so open about it.
He's been open because he likes the idea of having two women in his life, each vying for his attention. I'd move on a find someone who doesn't have "friends" like this. It gets very wearing , dealing with a man who has young, attractive female friends.
JingsMahBucket · 17/12/2021 05:58

@Jasmine89 I think you’re letting paranoid MN posters influence you too much. The two of them have known each other for years and nothing has happened. They’re genuinely friends at this point and I personally think you made a bad move. Why try to break up a friendship if you’re so new on his scene? The newness goes both ways you know.

Take a step back, breathe, and think about this more fully. In the grand scheme of things, it’s just two kind of lonely friends spending Christmas Day together.