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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to live with him...

126 replies

brinkopopo · 16/12/2021 07:52

Started seeing each other in may this year.
Got together in June this year.
He wants to now move in.
I'm not ready.
He said this is about the right time to move in.
I think it's too early.
For him to give up his place and move in ..it's too much pressure for it to work.

Aibu here? It is too soon isn't it?

OP posts:
M0rT · 16/12/2021 07:53

It's way too soon! Although it doesn't matter what I think.
It's your relationship and if you don't want him to move in he doesn't move in. The End.

londonrach · 16/12/2021 07:53

If you feel it's not right tell him. June to December isn't that long but can feel right for some people. Yanbu if you don't want him to move in. Talk to him x

Pegasussnail · 16/12/2021 07:54

Way too soon
Why is he in such a hurry?

Fizzgigg · 16/12/2021 07:54

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you're not ready then it's too soon.

I mean, yeah, for me that would be far too quick but fundamentally it's what you think that matters.

PurpleDaisies · 16/12/2021 07:54

It’s your decision and your house. Don’t let him move in until you want it. You won’t get him out again.

FelicityPike · 16/12/2021 07:54

Tell him that you’re not ready.

Fimofriend · 16/12/2021 07:54

You are not ready and it is a major red flag that he is not accepting this very reasonable boundary. I would be worried about his motives.

sociallydistained · 16/12/2021 07:54

Hell NO!

spotcheck · 16/12/2021 07:55

Waaaaaaay too soon!
But it doesn't matter what everyone thinks, you don't have to do anything until you're ready.

What is his situation? How long has he been single for? Does he work? Own his own home ( or is his lease up for renewal?)

thepeopleversuswork · 16/12/2021 07:55

YANBU and never ignore your instincts here. If he is pushing you to go faster than you are ready you should see that as a red flag. Living together is a lot of pressure on a relationship and it shouldn’t be done until both parties are fully ready.

Beamur · 16/12/2021 07:55

Time is immaterial if you're not ready
Stand your ground

MsAgnesDiPesto · 16/12/2021 07:57

It is much too soon. Stick to your guns. I’d be suspicious something is going on which means he’s looking for an easy solution - something like an impending eviction etc. Is he suggesting he moves in to where you live now? That’s a red flag.

Even if there’s no ulterior motive, he should respect your wishes. If he pushes at this after you’ve said no, he’s not showing the respect for you that someone should show to a person they claim to care about.

Original poster
brinkopopo · 16/12/2021 07:57

He works full time.
Has a good wage
He rents but hates his flat (I think that's why he wants to move in)
I love my own space.
He normally stays Thursday and Sunday nights and I'm more than happy with that tbh.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 16/12/2021 07:59

That’s ridiculously soon!

It doesn’t matter what he thinks, it’s your house and entirely your decision! Have you said no? Please don’t let him move in because it’s a bit of a hard thing to say!

If he doesn’t like his flat, he needs to find a new one. You’re not a solution to that.

sweatervest · 16/12/2021 08:02

take everyone's advice here. don't let him move in.
i wish i'd had read this advice a few years ago.

Icecreaminwinter · 16/12/2021 08:04

Yes too soon. Are there children involved?

Squeezita · 16/12/2021 08:06

YANBU, too soon. And I just bet he is expecting to contribute as little as possible, and he’ll try and justify it as you’re already paying the rent or mortgage and bills, so him moving in won’t add much Hmm

Do you have kids?

Cuntnugget · 16/12/2021 08:07

Oooh no, way too soon
Fine if it's what you both want but it's not the case
And if he's pushing then you back away and set a few ground rules
If you've said no, you're not ready for the next step then he should accept it without argument
If he's still pushing for it then I'd seriously be thinking about the relationship with him
His living arrangements are not your responsibilty and you're not there to fix them so that he can move into better accommodation

Aderyn21 · 16/12/2021 08:07

His rental issues aren't your problem to solve. You want to be absolutely certain he's more interested in you than your house!
Get legal advice before he moves in (regardless of when that is). You don't want to accidentally set up a situation where he accrues rights.
Personally I think it's better for a lot of people to live separately - keeps the relationship a choice rather than a habit, especially if you are person who needs their personal space. You might never want to live with him and that's okay.
If he does move in then you need clear ground rules around financial contributions from the get go, which to me ruins any romance, but is necessary, hence why id prefer to live apart.

ApolloandDaphne · 16/12/2021 08:07

What he thinks is immaterial. You think it is too soon and don't want him to move in so he doesn't move in. Simple as that.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/12/2021 08:08

I think it's too soon. I think I got together with my husband about 2.5 years before we moved in but I know that was quite long. But I liked living apart- when you see each other you sit and concentrate on actually enjoying each others company in a way that doesn't really happen when you're living together and discussing who's doing what chores.

In any case I don't think 6 months is long enough to know someone properly, I think you need 12-18 months before the honeymoon period wears off and you know whether it's someone you really want to be with long term. And I'd at least go on a holiday first for a test run

Mabelface · 16/12/2021 08:09

The phrase "nope, I don't want that" is enough.

SarahProblem · 16/12/2021 08:09

Its too soon if you feel it's too soon. I moved in with DP after 8 months and it worked for us (been together 6 years) it sounds like he wants you to sort his housing situation.

ChaToilLeam · 16/12/2021 08:10

Your “no” is final and needs to be respected. It is far too early. Hold your ground and don’t be persuaded, he will just have to sort out his accommodation like an adult.

Happy1982ish · 16/12/2021 08:11

Please say you don’t have children