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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want to live with him...

126 replies

brinkopopo · 16/12/2021 07:52

Started seeing each other in may this year.
Got together in June this year.
He wants to now move in.
I'm not ready.
He said this is about the right time to move in.
I think it's too early.
For him to give up his place and move in ..it's too much pressure for it to work.

Aibu here? It is too soon isn't it?

OP posts:

PicaK · 16/12/2021 08:13

It's not too soon.
But if its not what you want then it's not what you want.
Otoh. When would you feel ready? For a relationship to last you will have to give up your space. Are you prepared for that?

Dozer · 16/12/2021 08:13

Yes, red flag IMO! His housing is his problem.

Original poster

brinkopopo · 16/12/2021 08:13

No I have no kids and he has no kids either.
He says it will help us to share bills etc but I have enough money to manage my house and money left over for spends etc
We have had a few weekends away and I do honestly love him but after 3 nights with him ..I'm pleased for a bit of peace

OP posts:

BruceAndNosh · 16/12/2021 08:14

If he hates his flat and earns a good wages, he should try and find someone better to live

billy1966 · 16/12/2021 08:15

Ridiculously early.

This is ALL about him.

What works for HIM .

What suits HIM.

Do NOT let him move in.

If he puts pressure on you, dump him.

He wants what you have, a nice place to live.

Believe me, this could be ANY woman.

I would be so wary of any man trying to move in after a few months.

How would you get him out.

Do you want a his stuff in your way?

Having to utterly change how you live?

No girlfriends over?

Only move in with a guy you are absolutely mad about and him about you, after ye have been together at least 18-24 months and have had several holidays together.

He wants to use you and your home as a convience.

If he doesn't accept NO, understand he has zero respect for you.

But I would be very wary about him now.

You will bitterly regret being pushed in to this.

moose62 · 16/12/2021 08:15

I felt railroaded into moving in with someone after about the same length of time. I was given the 'if you love me you would want to be with me' line. After a year i was moving out but now had to find a place to live and start again.... don't do it yet!

pilates · 16/12/2021 08:15

If that is how you are feeling then no I wouldn’t. It may be a sign that you feel you need to get to know him better. Stand your ground.

Happy1982ish · 16/12/2021 08:17

* honestly love him but after 3 nights with him ..I'm pleased for a bit of peace blush*

Doesn’t bode well op

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 16/12/2021 08:17

@billy1966

Ridiculously early.

This is ALL about him.

What works for HIM .

What suits HIM.

Do NOT let him move in.

If he puts pressure on you, dump him.

He wants what you have, a nice place to live.

Believe me, this could be ANY woman.

I would be so wary of any man trying to move in after a few months.

How would you get him out.

Do you want a his stuff in your way?

Having to utterly change how you live?

No girlfriends over?

Only move in with a guy you are absolutely mad about and him about you, after ye have been together at least 18-24 months and have had several holidays together.

He wants to use you and your home as a convience.

If he doesn't accept NO, understand he has zero respect for you.

But I would be very wary about him now.

You will bitterly regret being pushed in to this.

All of the above.

Your life, your home, your sanity. Do not let him push you.

Keladrythesaviour · 16/12/2021 08:17

If it feels too soon for you, it's too soon.
My DH and I got together in the January, moved into his by June, rented a flat together by November and bought a house by the next June. It worked for us, but we were both on board every step of the way. If either one of us had put stoppers on, it would have been completely respected.

MMMarmite · 16/12/2021 08:19

There's no universal timeframe. But it is too soon for you! From everything you are saying, this would be completely the wrong decision for you at the moment, so don't let him push you into anything.

MyOtherProfile · 16/12/2021 08:20

Stand your ground. Boundaries from the start.

SlashBeef · 16/12/2021 08:21

Absolutely too soon and if he gets more pushy that would be a huge red flag for me.

Fireflygal · 16/12/2021 08:22

Please don't go along with this if you're not comfortable. Is your place rented?

Has he lived with someone before? My concern is that he is looking for someone to do his domestic chores. Sadly this is a strong motivator for many men who feel happier if they have a woman managing the home so they don't have to deal with it. It allows them to invest in their job and hobbies so very attractive result for them. They often become lazy in the relationship once you are stuck.

It really does take 2 years to know someone and 6 months is definitely still honeymoon phase so you will both be on best behaviour.

How reacts to your No will be a good test of his character. If he berates you, sulks, pulls back, tries to wear you down then you will have dodged a bullet.

I hope he respects your decision as you are being sensible.

Fatgalslim · 16/12/2021 08:25

Do you own or rent? I'd be very wary of letting him get his feet under the table and possibly hoping for a free ride moneywise

Happy1982ish · 16/12/2021 08:28

I wonder whether this OP
Is going to read all these posts
And it dawn on her

“Shit, I’m weird!”

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 16/12/2021 08:29

Bet his tenancy is up for renewal soon.

BestZebbie · 16/12/2021 08:30

Poor man! He has put in several months proper effort being nice to you, isn't that enough to finally be able to move into a larger property where "you are already doing all the housework anyway" so hoovering up after him "doesn't make things harder" and is therefore not an imposition?

No. It isn't enough.

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/12/2021 08:31

@billy1966

Ridiculously early.

This is ALL about him.

What works for HIM .

What suits HIM.

Do NOT let him move in.

If he puts pressure on you, dump him.

He wants what you have, a nice place to live.

Believe me, this could be ANY woman.

I would be so wary of any man trying to move in after a few months.

How would you get him out.

Do you want a his stuff in your way?

Having to utterly change how you live?

No girlfriends over?

Only move in with a guy you are absolutely mad about and him about you, after ye have been together at least 18-24 months and have had several holidays together.

He wants to use you and your home as a convience.

If he doesn't accept NO, understand he has zero respect for you.

But I would be very wary about him now.

You will bitterly regret being pushed in to this.

This x 10

I moved in with my DH after 13 and both thought it was ridiculously quick.
He moved in with me but I was more the driver of it than him and if I'd said let's give it another year he would have said yeah no sweat.

By that point we had been on 5 holidays together and knew each other very well

Importantly we both wanted it and thought the timing was right(ish)

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/12/2021 08:32

13 months

MrMrsJones · 16/12/2021 08:38

If it doesn't feel comfortable, don't do it.
You don't fully know each other yet, 7 months isn't very long at all.

It's easy to hide who you truly are for that length of time.

Dozer · 16/12/2021 08:41

Sounds like he’s worried about his financial situation. Again, his problem.

LostForIdeas · 16/12/2021 08:41

He is allowed to say he’d like to move in together/with you.
He is allowed to feel ready for it (whatever his reasons tbh)

You are also allowed to nit feel ready to move in together
And you are allowed to say NO.

It’s nit a question how long you have been together. For some people 6 months is plenty, for others, it’s not. They might actually never want to live together at all.

You need to tell him NO and t feel guilty about it/needing excuses etc…

LostForIdeas · 16/12/2021 08:48

Tbh I’m also weary about posts like the ones from @billy1966.

I’m not sure that automatically associating a man wanting to move in quickly as someone who is intrinsically bad is ok. Especially when said man is very clear they want to contribute etc…

I’ve seen people moving in with each other quite quickly (with no dc) and it was the best decision they ever made.
I’ve seen people staying together apart (Aka they never moved in together) and that worked well for them.

However, as I said, if you dint want to, then you dont. You don’t need a reason (he just be awful, it’s too early on, whatever). No wanting to move in together is enough.

HorsdoeuvresInTheGarage · 16/12/2021 08:48

I love my own space then don't let him move in! You have agency here - establish your boundaries and stick to them. You don't have to be "nice" or "kind" just because a man wants something from you. If he hates his flat he can move to a different one. And a PP is right, his tenancy is presumably coming up for renewal so he's steamrollering you.

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