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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to live with him...

126 replies

brinkopopo · 16/12/2021 07:52

Started seeing each other in may this year.
Got together in June this year.
He wants to now move in.
I'm not ready.
He said this is about the right time to move in.
I think it's too early.
For him to give up his place and move in ..it's too much pressure for it to work.

Aibu here? It is too soon isn't it?

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 16/12/2021 09:58

YANBU!

Don’t shift on this.

littledrummergirl · 16/12/2021 10:00

Dh and I moved in together very early. This was because we were spending almost every night together either at his place or mine. We didn't want to leave each other.
Nearly 30 years in I still feel the same.

You don't feel like this, you know what works for you and that should be respected. There is something wrong if you are having pressure put on you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable.

pointythings · 16/12/2021 10:01

It's not up to him. You're not ready. You mgiht never be ready. If he hates his flat, he can find another.

I so get the joy of having your own space, I will never have another relationship get to the moving in stage.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/12/2021 10:04

@pointythings

Totally agree. I hate the way men see it as their girlfriend's job to provide an acceptable living environment. A man who can't care for himself domestically is such a turn-off.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/12/2021 10:05

I don’t see how/ why it would mean the relationship wouldn’t work out because you’re not ready after just a few months - just makes you sound sensible. The only red flag is him pushing for it.

IncompleteSenten · 16/12/2021 10:07

If it's too soon for you that's the end of it! Both parties must be fully on board for that. Don't be pressured into something you clearly don't want.

FairFuming · 16/12/2021 10:19

You don't want to so that's a no. He shouldn't be asking more than once.

pointythings · 16/12/2021 10:27

thepeopleversuswork I was married for 20 years and have now been single for almost 3. I love it. The kids have mostly moved out - oldest is in final year at uni and wants to stay in her uni town after graduating, youngest is in first year. I love having them around, they are great, but I'm not bringing a man into a household that works perfectly for all its current members.

And when it's just me and the cats - bliss!

LowlandLucky · 16/12/2021 10:32

He is looking for cheap digs and a housekeeper

GoodTid · 16/12/2021 10:33

I've been with my DP 3 tears and I'm still not ready to move in with him !

It's been 6 months. If he doesn't respect this then he's an arsehole.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 16/12/2021 10:36

It doesn’t matter if it’s too soon or not (it is) - if you don’t want to, you absolutely shouldn’t.

He needs to back off now and tbh if he won’t respect your ‘no’ and continues to pressure you about it then he’s going to be trouble in future.

Classic case of a hobosexual...

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 16/12/2021 10:37

And you don’t ever have to live with him if you don’t want to, btw. Plenty of people maintain long-term relationships but life apart.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/12/2021 10:39

@pointythings

thepeopleversuswork I was married for 20 years and have now been single for almost 3. I love it. The kids have mostly moved out - oldest is in final year at uni and wants to stay in her uni town after graduating, youngest is in first year. I love having them around, they are great, but I'm not bringing a man into a household that works perfectly for all its current members.

And when it's just me and the cats - bliss!

Exactly. I can't see any way sharing a home with a man would improve my life and multiple ways it would make it worse.
DPotter · 16/12/2021 10:58

@Happy1982ish
I wonder whether this OP
Is going to read all these posts
And it dawn on her

       “Shit, I’m weird!”

What a strange thing to say. Really don't understand what you mean by this?

user1471538283 · 16/12/2021 11:27

This would turn me right off - he hates his flat so wants to move in! Not so over the moon in love with you that he cannot be apart but that your place is better than his ...

This is about what you want! I personally think it is too soon and I would be concerned that before you know it you've got him there all the time and not contributing. Although I will never live with another man again.

Seafog · 16/12/2021 11:32

If he isn't happy in his place, he needs to move to another. Just not yours.

BlingLoving · 16/12/2021 11:33

When DH and I had been together about 6 months, I moved out of my shared accommodation and he was coming up to moving out of his. I am pretty sure that he would have been quite happy to move in with me. But I was not ready. I liked my own space. I wanted to live alone for a while. So I did. For a year. And THEN we moved in together. Then we got married. Bought a house. Had two children.

Not wanting to move in after a short time frame is NOT a sign that the relationship is doomed.

Inthewainscoting · 16/12/2021 11:36

You don't want to, so don't do it. Heaven knows there are enough things in life (work, taxes, hoovering) where you still have to do stuff you don't fancy - this is not one of them!

And. Additionally. This is a marvellous chance for your BF to prove what a competent adult he is, by getting himself a living situation he does like. Bear in mind that life is full of surprises - I can think of at least 2 women who had strokes relatively young and ended up dependent on their other halves - so it's sensible to pick a life partner who is not only loveable but also a responsible, can-do grownup!

You see SOOO many threads from women where it's all hit the fan (health or job or elderly parents, kids with profound disabilities) and their DH is just another burden rather than a helpmeet. Your caution does you credit!

Moonface123 · 16/12/2021 11:37

l love having house to myself, l will never live with another man again, its a wonderful way to live, date but dont let them move in, most just want a cook and cleaner.

ChargingBuck · 16/12/2021 11:40

He said this is about the right time to move in.

Good grief.
Since when is it his decision about when he gets to move in on you?
Does he usually make unilateral pronouncements & expect you to comply?

Why does he imagine he gets to tell you he is moving in to your gaff?
Is he a cocklodger in waiting?

thepeopleversuswork · 16/12/2021 11:43

Not wanting to move in after a short time frame is NOT a sign that the relationship is doomed.

Exactly. If anything its a sign of strength of character and independence which both bode well for a happy relationship longer-term.

I find it bizarre that people on here often see cohabitation as a badge of commitment. (as in "you don't live together so you can't call him your partner, he's your boyfriend".

More often than not people rush into living together because a) one or both of them is skint and they want to share the financial burden or b) the man wants someone to do his cooking/cleaning/life admin.

In the first scenario this understandable but quite short-sighted as finance is a poor reason to plan living together. In the second scenario its a screaming red flag to run for the hills.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 16/12/2021 11:45

You're glad to see him go after 3 days because it is draining having him there. Enjoyable but none the less a performance and extra effort. Listen to that small voice. Its good for him, so he wants more, but that's not going both ways. Keep exploring why that is, and definitely don't submit to this.

ChargingBuck · 16/12/2021 11:52

@gogohm

I'm guessing you are not sure about the relationship then. I certainly did know after a few weeks that I wanted to moved in (4 months when I moved in) if after 6 months you aren't feeling like he's the one I would question the whole relationship
Why?

Is a relationship only valid if you cohabit?
Is wanting to move in with someone the only test of whether they are right for you long term?
Should everyone who isn't shacked up together "question the whole relationship"?

& what is "the one", apart from a fiction created by the romance industry?

snugpea · 16/12/2021 11:53

@thepeopleversuswork

Not wanting to move in after a short time frame is NOT a sign that the relationship is doomed.

Exactly. If anything its a sign of strength of character and independence which both bode well for a happy relationship longer-term.

I find it bizarre that people on here often see cohabitation as a badge of commitment. (as in "you don't live together so you can't call him your partner, he's your boyfriend".

More often than not people rush into living together because a) one or both of them is skint and they want to share the financial burden or b) the man wants someone to do his cooking/cleaning/life admin.

In the first scenario this understandable but quite short-sighted as finance is a poor reason to plan living together. In the second scenario its a screaming red flag to run for the hills.

This is so true. I have a lovely relationship with my partner. Recently his landlord gave notice to him as wants to sell and it has been assumed by our friends and family he will automatically move in with me. We have no desire to live together at this point as our relationship works well as it is, so he will be finding a new rental. It is not that we aren't committed as we have been together 2 years and have know each other for 7 years as close friends before we got together. I just find it odd that people can't see that we both might like to keep our independence for now. Who knows down the line things might change. I think we'd get on fine living together but it's personal choice when is the right time to do that. I've been surprised by many of the comments that people have made to us both about this.
gunnersgold · 16/12/2021 11:54

If you don't want him to then don't let him.. is he struggling to pay rent etc?