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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want to live with him...

126 replies

brinkopopo · 16/12/2021 07:52

Started seeing each other in may this year.
Got together in June this year.
He wants to now move in.
I'm not ready.
He said this is about the right time to move in.
I think it's too early.
For him to give up his place and move in ..it's too much pressure for it to work.

Aibu here? It is too soon isn't it?

OP posts:

Happy1982ish · 16/12/2021 08:49

@LostForIdeas

The issue is not the speed
It’s the fact the op doesn’t feel comfortable with the idea

EmmasMum12 · 16/12/2021 08:53

It makes no difference if you've been together 20 years. If you don't want to live together it doesn't happen. End of.

HeartsAndClubs · 16/12/2021 08:55

Otoh. When would you feel ready? For a relationship to last you will have to give up your space. Are you prepared for that? why? Plenty of people have long term relationships where they don’t live together. Plenty of people, having lived together with someone wouldn’t wish to do it again. It’s possible to have a serious relationship without living in the same house. The only exception I would say is if you had kids together.

TBH he may not necessarily just be using you. In the first flushes of romance I think it’s possible to get carried away. I know I did. I wanted to think of the future, moving in, being together, engagement, etc etc. None of it happened because, well it just didn’t because the relationship was developing. Then the relationship settled down, and we didn’t move in together until we’d been together for about 2 years. And living together changes the dynamic of the relationship, it’s not just about being together any more, it’s about bills, who’s cleaning the kitchen, what about the hoovering, having to be considerate of the other when you just want to go out etc. I don’t know a single couple who have moved in together and haven’t spent the first six months or so having petty arguments. Nothing serious, just squabbles about stuff that was never relevant before. Early into a relationship when you still don’t really know each other that can be a recipe for disaster.

And on the flip side if the one is abusive it can be hard to get out once you’re in the same space.

People do it and it works for them. But it’s a personal thing. And if you personally don’t want to then the answer is no.

CheddarGorgeous · 16/12/2021 08:56

How old are you? I absolutely agree it's too soon and in fact there's no real reason to move in with each other unless you are contemplating marriage/children.

If Mr Cheddar leaves me for any reason I will never live with anyone else again, I love my space and peace.

RoastedParnsip · 16/12/2021 08:57

YANBU. Way to early, you barely even know him. Stand your ground I wouldn't move in until the 2-3 year mark.

Corbally · 16/12/2021 09:01

I’m not sure that automatically associating a man wanting to move in quickly as someone who is intrinsically bad is ok. Especially when said man is very clear they want to contribute etc…

Unless he is spectacularly insensitive or colossally thick, he will surely have noticed that (a) the suggestion has come from him alone, rather than being mutual and (b) the OP is not falling over herself with enthusiasm, which -- unless it was a one-off suggestion which was never repeated when he clocked her response, suggests he's not such a great guy.

I'd also really question the judgement of someone who announced that, after seven months together, 'it's about the right time to move in.' Like it was some kind of hard and fast rule.

LostForIdeas · 16/12/2021 09:06

Well he ASKED.
How is anyone supposed to know what the other is thinking without asking? How can you build a relationship without having a discussion on important stuff such as moving together?

What would be wrong is if he was trying to impose his POV, telling the OP she is wrong, trying to guilt trip her etc…
I didn’t get any of that in the OP’s posts.

Elodeastar · 16/12/2021 09:06

That's really soon, regardless of what 'he' says, it should always be a joint decision - it sounds like you are, understandably, not ready, so make that clear! He needs to respect how you feel about it too, and not just consider himself.

Skeumorph · 16/12/2021 09:08

Well, they do say that a very very useful test is how a man responds when you tell him ‘no’.

You have said no.

How is he responding to that?

Accepting your boundaries and your right to say no or disagree with him as an equal, without any issue?

Or - not accepting your boundaries, trying to steamroller/persuade, trying to tell you you don’t know what’s best for you, ignoring, hassling, showing irritation or surprise that it’s not simply HIS decision that X happens?

‘He says it’s the right time to move in’ - No, it isn’t. There is no right time. The only time the time is right is when you BOTH 100% want to. And certainly objectively most people would say it’s too soon right now.

Even that sentence isn’t good.

This is his test, take careful note.

Firm no, not for a long time yet - and see how he takes it.

Don’t hesitate to knock it on the head by the way - it’s early days and this isn’t a great sign.

Corbally · 16/12/2021 09:11

@LostForIdeas

Well he ASKED. How is anyone supposed to know what the other is thinking without asking? How can you build a relationship without having a discussion on important stuff such as moving together?

What would be wrong is if he was trying to impose his POV, telling the OP she is wrong, trying to guilt trip her etc…
I didn’t get any of that in the OP’s posts.

From OP's phraseology, it's not clear he did ask -- she says he 'wants to move in' and, more weirdly:

He said this is about the right time to move in

which doesn't seem to take much account of whether she agrees.

HangOnToYourself · 16/12/2021 09:11

I've been seeing my partner for exactly the same amount of time as you and I agree it's way too soon. We often will have a week here or there where we stay with the other person and by about day 5 we are both craving our own space so to go from 2 nights a week to full time would be a huge change for you and way too soon. He needs to just get a new flat that he likes more.
I couldn't imagine my partner moving in for at least another 6 months and even then I doubt we would be ready

Goldbar · 16/12/2021 09:15

@brinkopopo

He works full time. Has a good wage He rents but hates his flat (I think that's why he wants to move in) I love my own space. He normally stays Thursday and Sunday nights and I'm more than happy with that tbh.

You love having your own space. Keep it.

Why would you consider giving it up for someone who hasn't even been in your life for a year?

It'll be difficult to get him out if you decide the relationship is no longer working for you.

billy1966 · 16/12/2021 09:15

He's telling her its about the right time, for HIM.

He doesn't like where he lives.

She likes her space.

She has enough of him after a few nights.
Perfectly normal when you are with each other only months.

Enjoying living on your own is a great gift i life.

Don't give it up before you really want to or for someone you are not sure of.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/12/2021 09:19

Far, far too soon, even as an average. But more importantly, it’s too soon for YOU, ans you don’t want to do it at this stage. As others have said, he should accept your “no” as final, and not try to push the boundary.

He said this is about the right time to move in

Like others I find this line particularly off - it’s like he’s already trying to gaslight you and make you think you’re “odd” if you don’t want to do this.

Bananalanacake · 16/12/2021 09:22

I also like my own space, I would make it clear to boyfriends there would be no talk of living together for at least 4 years, if they didn't like it they could fuck off, what I want is important. I realise everyone is different and some people actually like to live together after less than a year. I spent my 20s and early 30s living happily on my own, in fact I only moved in with my now DH after 5 years when we had a baby.

MojoJojo71 · 16/12/2021 09:33

You don’t need to justify your decision. If you don’t want to, you don’t want to. If he doesn’t respect your choice then he’s not the right man for you anyway and best you find out sooner rather than later

Opal8 · 16/12/2021 09:34

Omg
Red flags galore

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/12/2021 09:36

Keep standing your ground. It's way too soon imo and the only reason you need is (in classic Mumsnet style), "no, that doesn't work for me"

NettleTea · 16/12/2021 09:43

Im 19 years in, and we still dont live together. There is no set time for when you are supposed to do it.

Dio you spend time at his flat or does he just come to you? He should be hosting as well as coming over and letting you do all the accommodating (and I bet you do)

If he doesnt like his flat, then thats on him. He could find a flat he did like. He could make his home comfortable and welcoming if he chose to.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/12/2021 09:43

@PicaK

It's not too soon. But if its not what you want then it's not what you want. Otoh. When would you feel ready? For a relationship to last you will have to give up your space. Are you prepared for that?

Why do you have to give up space for a relationship to last? Genuinely.

I have been in a happy relationship with someone for three years. It works really well because we don't live together. We spend quality time together and we don't have all the shitty downsides of cohabiting.

In my experience cohabiting is not fun: you end up taking one another for granted, you inevitably end up doing more than your fair share of the domestic work and the time you do have together is taken up with the most mundane and boring aspects of the relationship and eventually it sucks the joy out of it.

I think the only real reasons for couples to live together are a) shared children and b) finances. The OP and her bloke don't have kids and finance in my opinion is not a good motivation.

I can't see any upsides in this case whatsoever and the fact that he is pushing for it when she's clearly not ready isn't good.

peboh · 16/12/2021 09:47

It's all about how you feel, and if you're not ready and feel it's too soon then it's too soon for you.
DH and I moved in together after about 8 months, however it made sense for us at the time, I was 21 and still living at home with my mum and he had his own place and space, so we always spent time together at his so it just worked for us. However had I have lived on my own also, I don't think we'd have moved in together until after at least a year.
It doesn't matter if he's ready, it's your home and if you aren't then he needs to respect that.

Mother87 · 16/12/2021 09:49

Why does HIM saying it's "the right time" make it the right time... You'll decide what's right for you - and if he becomes pushy about it, that's an early predictor of things to come...

H1Drangea · 16/12/2021 09:51

If you would like him to move in that’s fine , but you don’t , so no , he can’t move in
There’s no fixed time frame though , DH and I married after being together only 8 months , it’s been 27 years so I think we’ll be ok

gogohm · 16/12/2021 09:52

I'm guessing you are not sure about the relationship then. I certainly did know after a few weeks that I wanted to moved in (4 months when I moved in) if after 6 months you aren't feeling like he's the one I would question the whole relationship

Dragongirl10 · 16/12/2021 09:56

You don’t ever have to live with him and don’t have to explain yourself.

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