I don't want to live with him...

[brinkopopo]

Started seeing each other in may this year.
Got together in June this year.
He wants to now move in.
I'm not ready.
He said this is about the right time to move in.
I think it's too early.
For him to give up his place and move in ..it's too much pressure for it to work.

Aibu here? It is too soon isn't it?

brinkopopo I've been with my OH for nearly 5 years and we will not be moving in together - he would quite happily, but, like you, I need my space and enjoy having MY house to myself.

Please dont let him pressure you into agreeing something you don't want to do. A couple doesn't have to live together to be in a perfectly happy relationship and 6 months is nothing at all in the greater scheme of things.

Well it's not "the right time" if one person doesn't want to!

If he's aware of your reluctance and he's still telling you "it's right" then I'd be very way of him in general. Men who think they always call the shots and are surprised or indignant that you feel (rightly) entitled to a say are pretty bad news in my experience.

@brinkopopo

No I have no kids and he has no kids either. He says it will help us to share bills etc but I have enough money to manage my house and money left over for spends etc We have had a few weekends away and I do honestly love him but after 3 nights with him ..I'm pleased for a bit of peace

I love my own space too. I've been with DP 2.5 years and we are only planning to move in together because I am pregnant. Up until this point I was very clear I like my own space. I own my place and had enough money to live comfortably on my wages... obviously this has all changed now although I'm still living alone for the time being. If DP was putting on to move in at any point I would of ended it tbh. He would love to live with me for all the reasons above but knows I didn't want that.

@Skeumorph

Well, they do say that a very very useful test is how a man responds when you tell him ‘no’.

You have said no.

How is he responding to that?

Accepting your boundaries and your right to say no or disagree with him as an equal, without any issue?

Or - not accepting your boundaries, trying to steamroller/persuade, trying to tell you you don’t know what’s best for you, ignoring, hassling, showing irritation or surprise that it’s not simply HIS decision that X happens?

‘He says it’s the right time to move in’ - No, it isn’t. There is no right time. The only time the time is right is when you BOTH 100% want to. And certainly objectively most people would say it’s too soon right now.

Even that sentence isn’t good.

This is his test, take careful note.

Firm no, not for a long time yet - and see how he takes it.

Don’t hesitate to knock it on the head by the way - it’s early days and this isn’t a great sign.

100% agree with this.

@brinkopopo

No I have no kids and he has no kids either. He says it will help us to share bills etc but I have enough money to manage my house and money left over for spends etc We have had a few weekends away and I do honestly love him but after 3 nights with him ..I'm pleased for a bit of peace

@brinkopopo

You say you really honestly do love him, but are 'pleased for a bit of peace.' This doesn't bode well, and is a bit of an oxymoron to be honest. If you really 'honestly did love him' I don't feel like you should think of the time away from him as 'peace.' That doesn't bode well to be honest.

As almost ALL posters have said, do NOT let this man move in. He sounds weirdly pushy for some reason.

This reminds me sooooo much of a friend of mine who was widowed in 2016, (at 53,) and after 33 years in the relationship (30 married) she was happy to stay single. She was pursued by a man in her village who rented privately. (She and her DH had been in the same social housing house for 23 years, and had very cheap rent, and a lifetime tenancy in a lovely area.)

She decided to go for a drink with this man after he lovebombed her for about a month. After they had dated for some 6 or 7 weeks and seen each other around 15 times, he said 'my tenancy ends on my flat soon, we get on so well that it makes perfect sense for me to move in with you. Just think of the money we will save!'

She was like She told me she was gobsmacked that he had even suggested it, as she had had food in her fridge longer than they had been dating!

She was definitely against it, and went in with a light-hearted 'no you can't move in, are you mad?!' He was like 'eh?' and was really irked that she said no. He stormed off in a temper. She ignored him and put it down to a petty strop.

Next day, a letter dropped through her letterbox - for him - redirected from his current property that had its tenancy end in about a week. Cheeky fucker had got his mail redirected! Before even talking about moving in with my friend.

When she told him again - more sternly this time - that he can NOT move in, he got really arsey and aggressive and told her she was making him homeless! She had a hell of a game trying to get Royal Mail to cancel the redirection, and convince people she had NOT agreed to him moving in. He had lied to so many people, and told them she had let him down! Awful man. And yes, she DID dump him!

Hope you have the sense to tell him NO brinkopop.

No, in fact you don't ever have to have him move in.

Bloody hell @LittleRoundRobin

@MMMarmite

Bloody hell *@LittleRoundRobin*

I know right! Pushy fucker!

You say you really honestly do love him, but are 'pleased for a bit of peace.' This doesn't bode well, and is a bit of an oxymoron to be honest. If you really 'honestly did love him' I don't feel like you should think of the time away from him as 'peace.' That doesn't bode well to be honest.

Why?
Plenty of people have loving relationships but don't wish to be in each other's pockets 24/7. That's got nothing to do with "boding" & everything to do with not needing to follow convention, & knowing what makes you happy.

Your "Mr Pushy" story though - horrifying!

I do agree @ChargingBuck that there is no need to be with your partner 24/7 and we all need our 'me time' ... Indeed, it is healthy to want - and have - time away from your partner.

What I mean is just 6 months into a relationship, you should be in the first flushes of romance, and be wanting to rip each others clothes off, and look forward to seeing each other, not thinking 'can't wait for him to fuck off so I can have time to myself.' The OP said herself that he only stays 2 nights a week anyway, and yet she wants to see the back of him sharpish (from what she has said...)

I just don't think from what the OP says that she really honestly loves this man. And this, coupled with how oddly pushy he is, would make me end it tbh.'

I know plenty of couples who are genuinely in love, yet respect each others' space @LittleRoundRobin.

There's no "should be" about it.
That's just convention, & romance industry propaganda - which tends to posit co-dependency & borderline stalking as attractive qualities in a partner ...

You say you really honestly do love him, but are 'pleased for a bit of peace.' This doesn't bode well, and is a bit of an oxymoron to be honest. If you really 'honestly did love him' I don't feel like you should think of the time away from him as 'peace.' That doesn't bode well to be honest.

I really don't agree with this. Everyone needs time on their own and to know who they are.

Couples who can't function without their other half are desperate.

YANBU

I would tell him you value your space and may never be ready to live together.

How generous is he with contribution to food and housework when he stays over three nights?

@LittleRoundRobin

It's possible to be intensely attracted to and very fond of someone and also be very pleased to have your space back.

I've been with my DP for three years and I still only see him twice a week and have absolutely no intention of living with him. I love him dearly and still find him very attractive and look forward to him coming over but I always breathe a little sigh of relief when he goes and I really enjoy the nights he's not here because I can do what I want and not worry about someone else's needs.

It works really well for me and I have no desire to split up or be with someone else but there's absolutely no way he's moving in.

If he lived here all the things which currently are standing jokes between us would rapidly become irritants or mundane repetitions of conversations we've already had.

Nothing breeds contempt like cohabitation.

I think OP just knows who she is and what she does/doesn’t like. I wish more women had that clarity when it comes to relationships tbh.

It’s perfectly possible to be very attracted to/in love with/happy with someone and still need/want your own space. Some married couples maintain their own homes simply because that’s how they’re happiest. It’s a good thing that more women are able to maintain that independence now and there isn’t any reason at all why they shouldn’t do so if that’s how they like it.

That doesn’t mean I think this guy is the right man, mind - OP hardly knows him herself and I certainly don’t. I agree there are red flags. I don’t know anyone who would insist that this early stage is the ‘right time’ to move in together, unless both parties want to do so (which can work, but many, many times really doesn’t.

OP is right to be wary, and I wouldn’t take her head being strong enough to rule her heart as a sign that she’s not in love enough - many women make utterly stupid decisions because they ‘love him sooo much’.

Argh dropped an ellipsis there...🙄

At 6 and 7 months seeing each other a couple of nights is very usual.

He moved into my flat after 2.5 years after we became engaged and 9 months before we married.

We were ready.
After 7 months? Not a chance.

He is thinking about his convience, comfort and pocket, of that you can be sure.

I wouldn't dream of it if I were you.

He sounds out for himself and what suits him.

Is he generous when he comes to yours?
Does he clean up after himself?
What condition is his place?

If he lives in a dump, that is treated like a dump, your house will become a dump from his habits.

Before ANY woman moves in with a man she should have a good hard look at his living conditions.

As for a man who has lived at home and had his mum doing everything for him?

I'd be very wary.

My friends daughter was in a situation where her boyfriend wanted to move into her rented apartment from home as she needed a new flatmate and her gut was warning her.
Her sister suggested she go on a weeks self catering and watch him closely but not say a word.
He was messy, lazy, asked her what were they going to eat and expected her to think ahead for shopping for meals.
She saw EXACTLY what living with him would be like and got a female flat share.
He was wounded.
They fizzled out within a couple of months.

If a man lives in a mess and sits on his arse in yours expecting to be minded, it really isn't too much of a stretch to imagine how he might be to live with.

Telling you that its time is a huge red flag.

There is NO exact time.
It can be different for everyone.

@billy1966 very wise sister there! I’m glad your friend’s daughter listened to her gut.

There’s a lot of wisdom in your comment.

I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) 6 months after meeting him. That was in 1992.

You were clearly ready.

OP is not.

Of course it works for some people and I’m glad for you! But I’d venture that it doesn’t work for many more people.

If you have said no and he keeps pressuring you, it's a very, very bad sign. There are already red flags waving all over as it is. I fear he wants an instant skivvy and cook, with an added warm bed to sleep in.

This is a disaster waiting to happen if you fall for this

Where is the fire and more importantly, why did HE start the fire?

you have known him less than 6m and he wants to move in. that is a massive red flag.

Tell him no, that you don't want to change the way things are and that he needs to stop pushing on it, you will tell him if you decide it's right.

If he doesn't respect your boundaries, SERIOUSLY - you have to end it.

this is how an abusive relationship starts.

What is your relationship history? have you had abuse in the past?

Agree that if he doesn’t drop it once you’ve made it clear that you’re not interested, he isn’t the kind of man you want to get involved with.

Do you rent or own. Next thing you know he ll be suggesting a kitchen extension, and will have to go on your mortgage...all to raise money for your lovely home together.

@brinkopopo

He works full time. Has a good wage He rents but hates his flat (I think that's why he wants to move in) I love my own space. He normally stays Thursday and Sunday nights and I'm more than happy with that tbh.

Why are you going to give away what you need to be happy?

Listen to your instinct. Do what is comfortable for you.