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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No school for you today then?

331 replies

DinosaurStompGrrrr · 15/12/2021 21:59

Today in the bank I was waiting with my DC and the man in front of us turns round to us and says to us ‘No school today for you then?’

DC term has finished (yes, private school) but when I said they were on holiday, I was told that it was ‘generous’ of the school. Innocuous comment on the one hand but I still responded ‘no work for you today then?’. I just felt he would not have said this to a man on his own. It felt like he wanted to just put his view even if unwelcome or unnecessary…

OP posts:
TheVolturi · 16/12/2021 09:29

I'm trying, but I can't get offended by this.

Flamingpantoufles · 16/12/2021 09:30

@saoirse31

Do you see many people op? The guy was clearly making polite conversation . I'm actually at a loss as to how this turned into some kind of underhand attack on you as a woman and on how you educate your children.
Quite.
thevassal · 16/12/2021 09:30

It's always men and usually older ones, isn't it? I went to the pool the other day, the usual group of 70 year old guys who go there e ery day after their golf- was sitting in the sauna with one who said "not working today?" I explained I work flexible hours so was taking a long lunch break as I hate working from home without moving for 8 hrs. He very much didn't approve of that - not what they did in his day!

saoirse31 · 16/12/2021 09:34

Actually from your later posts you seem to have some concerns about how people view you because of your children being privately educated. This is in your head, not the heads of the vast majority of the people you meet.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2021 09:37

@CinnamonJellyBeans

It was a challenge.

The man clearly thought that the child should be in school. hence the "no school today for YOU". This sentence shows that as far as the man is concerned, school is on and the kid is not there.

Now, if school is indeed in session and a child is not there, the reason for non-attendance is invariably personal and never something pleasant: medical appt, bereavement, illness, family emergency. I would suggest that most of the time there is a valid reason and this is no one's business but the parent and school.

The man was either expecting the OP to make her excuse to him for her child's non-attendance, or wishing to assert himself by making her feel she he's caught her out.

I wonder if that nosy prick would actually step up to the plate and intervene if there was a genuine need: Kid half dressed in winter, parent with child showing no road safety, parent shouting at child in street. Probably not. He probably (like most people) thinks he's being a useful citizen with his passive aggressive challenge.

If he was just trying to make conversation, there are many easier and more polite ways.

In case it's not clear by now, I'd have gone nuts.

In case it's not clear by now, I'd have gone nuts.

Well your post makes you sound like you quite clearly are...

Cailleach1 · 16/12/2021 09:39

Some random stranger makes an unsolicited remark about the presence of your children in the bank queue. I don't know why you felt the need to explain they had their holidays to this random stranger in return.

Maybe he/she/furry wanted to have a chat. If you weren't receptive, I'm sure he/she/furry went on to make an unsolicited comment to some guy as to why they weren't otherwise occupied with school/work. He/she/furry probably didn't though.

MrsColon · 16/12/2021 09:42

I get this a lot with DS - he's only 4, he's not due to start school till September 2022, but he's tall so they assume he's older.

It's a bit annoying, but not a big deal.

Tohaveandtohold · 16/12/2021 09:43

Your response to the conversation was rude. It seem you went out on the defensive and already had a similar conversation in your head so when he asked that question, you just blurted out.
He was only having a conversation , when I used to do a customer facing role, I always had to do that as well

Hemingwayscatz · 16/12/2021 09:46

Just polite small talk really, not sure why you found it so offensive.

DysmalRadius · 16/12/2021 09:56

It's always men and usually older ones, isn't it?

It really isn't - as I mentioned above, we have had quite a few people asking why my kids aren't in school, usually people working in shops or who have overheard some kind of interaction between us that has prompted them to engage. This is not on a par with catcalling or telling someone to smile - it's just one of the many daily interactions that take place when you share space with others.

SockFluffInTheBath · 16/12/2021 09:57

It would annoy me as well OP but strangers making empty chit chat in public places annoys me anyway. I would just have given him a “nope” and then started talking to DC about something else. He was being nosy though, not making conversation. Making conversation would have been “this queue is slow” or “isn’t it warm in here” etc not poking into why your kids aren’t at school.

sofakingcool · 16/12/2021 09:58

@StarfishDish

He probably would have said it to a man as it sounded like he was just making conversation.

To be honest, these 'Would he have said it to a man?' threads annoy me more!

Exactly, they are pretty annoying
SingaporeSlinky · 16/12/2021 10:03

It does sound like you’re looking way to much into every detail. Private school has nothing to do with anything. The man’s age and economic status have nothing to do with anything. You being a younger woman has nothing to do with it. Why do you think he wouldn’t have said it to a dad out with a child? It’s just conversation and you were rude. That’s the sort of reply people think of after the event, and wish they’d said in response to a rude comment, except this wasn’t.

No wonder people don’t talk to anyone these days, you can’t even be polite without someone being suspicious and picking holes and looking for conflict.

MintLampShade · 16/12/2021 10:03

However, his comment to me considering he didn’t know anything about me either (I could have just been through a bereavement or not been able to afford to get my child to school that day) wasn’t insensitive but making chit chat.

WTF, OP?? How do you even come up with things like this? What's wrong with replying "He is a lucky boy, school is out already!" End of.

I'd love to hear your reply to people who dare commenting on the weather good ol' British style 😅😅 OP: "how dare you, you know nothing about me, or my life!"

You are not only being unreasonable but coming across rather uptight and frankly, ridiculous. All because you aren't even willing to consider that you may have got this completely wrong.

FinallySomeNormality · 16/12/2021 10:06

Huge overly sensitive over reaction OP.
Just a guy making chit chat and being friendly.

Novasmummy · 16/12/2021 10:11

Before my tall, Mature looking 3 year old started school I Got this all the time. I just saw it as people making conversation though. But then I don't go about my life looking at ways of being offended, I prefer to see the best in people unless clearly shown otherwise.

NatriumChloride · 16/12/2021 10:25

@SmallBoyFury

How do some people actually make it through the day?

Are you tired, OP? Because being perpetually offended must be exhausting.

😂😂😂😂😂
MaryHingey · 16/12/2021 10:32

Bloody hell , talk about looking for things to get offended by

Tsubasa1 · 16/12/2021 10:33

YABU

worriedatthemoment · 16/12/2021 10:43

Sounds like just making conversation, its why people often don't talk as people can be so easily offended.
I still live in an area where especially a lot of older people say hello and make general chit chat as your walking down the road , but you know you might be the only human contact they make that day

steff13 · 16/12/2021 10:46

@DinosaurStompGrrrr

But why do older men need to challenge younger women? Would they say that to a man?
Why did you see it as a challenge? It wasn't even said to you, it was said to the kid. He was just making small talk. 🤷‍♀️
Offmyfence · 16/12/2021 13:26

I think it may be easier for some easily offended women to just ask men not to talk to them, they never say the right thing and I sick of these "they wouldn't say that to a man" comments!

YABVU OP

julieca · 16/12/2021 13:49

Sometimes they wouldnt say that to a man comments are justified, but not in this case.
I am just waiting for the next MN thread about how unfriendly British people are to kids and how when they go abroad on holiday everyone engages with their child.

ancientgran · 16/12/2021 13:53

The most offensive/funniest thing a stranger has ever said to me in a queue was the morning the Brexit referendum came out. I was in queue at Sainsburys cafe, DH is disabled and he'd waited there while I finished shopping and then we were having tea and a bun. Smug lady (she was elderly even by my standards) and said, "Isn't it wonderful, now we can get rid of all the foreigners." I pointed to DH and said, "That brown man is my husband."

She moved away as if she was going to catch something and I couldn't decide if I should laugh at her or be annoyed. So I laughed because that is often the most annoying thing to do.

hangrylady · 16/12/2021 14:57

@CinnamonJellyBeans

It was a challenge.

The man clearly thought that the child should be in school. hence the "no school today for YOU". This sentence shows that as far as the man is concerned, school is on and the kid is not there.

Now, if school is indeed in session and a child is not there, the reason for non-attendance is invariably personal and never something pleasant: medical appt, bereavement, illness, family emergency. I would suggest that most of the time there is a valid reason and this is no one's business but the parent and school.

The man was either expecting the OP to make her excuse to him for her child's non-attendance, or wishing to assert himself by making her feel she he's caught her out.

I wonder if that nosy prick would actually step up to the plate and intervene if there was a genuine need: Kid half dressed in winter, parent with child showing no road safety, parent shouting at child in street. Probably not. He probably (like most people) thinks he's being a useful citizen with his passive aggressive challenge.

If he was just trying to make conversation, there are many easier and more polite ways.

In case it's not clear by now, I'd have gone nuts.

It's quite disconcerting that people with your weird view of the world walk among us. You'd have gone nuts would you? Get help.