Am I the bad person for telling my family 'no'?

[Nickwinkle]

Hi All... having a moral dilemma here and I feel awful but at the same time all I can think is 'why should I?'

Some background in to what's gone on;
My dad is currently in hospital with Paraneoplastic Cerebral Degeneration as a result of T Cell Lymphoma. He's extremely unwell and is incapable of performing basic human functions, such as speaking, eating, seeing, etc. He's currently having chemotherapy to try and reduce the severity of the cancer, which we've been told is untreatable. He's been this way for over 2 months now and, due to the rarity of the disease, we've no idea how things are going to turn out. Initially I took three weeks sick off work to help my mum at home and make sure I was at the hospital every day to help care for him. Once the three weeks were up, financially I had to return to work but managed to get them to agree to home working so I could continue to support my parents. I'm one of three children, my brother is disabled and my sister is married with two kids. I'm childless through no decision of my own, but I live with my partner and have two house cats (who are very dependent on me). This pretty much leaves only my sister and myself who can help my mum out (small family). I am based in Manchester, my sister in Leeds, my mum in Doncaster and my dad is currently in Sheffield. My sister is constantly using the fact she has two children as an excuse to not help, despite living with her husband who is the father of said kids, and my mum is happy to allow these excuses.

Me and my partner had our first round of fertility treatment this last month and through the 'important' week where we needed to be together, I still made sure I was there for my parents every day and drove from mine, to my mums, to my dad (6hr round trip) every single day. Of course, this led to stress and exhaustion which resulted in a failed fertility attempt. As horrible as it was after TTC for 6 years, I put this to the back of my mind and refuse to grieve over it until my dad is OK (or, y'know). My partner and I have made the decision to put any further treatment on hold until the situation changes. Heartbreaking, but I've put my family first. I told my mum about the failed treatment and her response was 'Okay'. My sister responded 'We didn't think it would work first round anyway'. But whatever.

My dad's business is closer to my sister than my parents house so it's been agreed that during the latter half of the week (Wed-Sat), when she's working there, that she will stay with my sister and I will go and live at my mums to look after her dogs, my brother, the house and my dad. All the while carrying out my own job and putting extra stress on my partner as he's now having to maintain our home and pets on his own. We're happy to do it though as it helps my parents and that's my main priority.

A Sunday is pretty much the only day I have to 'get things sorted' at the moment. Things like needing clean clothes, a shower (because even that's hard to find time for now!), and making sure my partner is OK because this is putting a lot of pressure on us and we want to make sure we're able to support each other too. We'd agreed that Sunday (12/12) would be our day to get our Christmas tree, put our decorations up and go shopping as it's the only day we had before Christmas. I have my Covid booster the weekend after so there's no saying if I'll be well enough and I don't see the point of putting Christmas dec's up on the weekend before Christmas. My mum asked, after we'd made the plans, if I could go to the hospital on the Sunday to look after my dad. Now, here's my moral dilemma. I wanted to say 'of course' and drop everything for my parents but then I remembered everything I've done so far and that I need a break too. I asked why she wasn't going and her reason was because she was going to a pantomime. She'd arranged well in advance to go out with my brother, sister and her kids but hadn't actually bothered asking me and my partner, I assume, because she'd already decided we were cancelling our plans to look after my dad. So... not an emergency. OK, so my mum and sister are as entitled to a break as I am but that shouldn't mean making each other cancel plans last minute, especially considering they'd just had 4 days of break. As I said, Sunday is my only day. I told them no, I can't do it. They've asked countless times before for me to go when they couldn't and I've done it without question.

Just a little context on this situation as it happens quite a lot where I'm expected to drop everything for my family:
August 2021: My sister got married. I had been asked to be her maid of honour, same as she was for mine. I'd started planning her hen do and all those other little bits that were my responsibility. I then got informed that I was no longer invited to my sisters wedding as she'd decided she only wanted her friend there (no parents) and was going down to Bournemouth. OK, fair enough. I was annoyed but it's her choice at the end of the day. I then get invited to go shopping with my mum and my sister for what I thought was an 'all of us' shopping day. How wrong was I. My mum was frantically searching for a dress and when I asked 'Why?' she responded 'for your sister's wedding.' Bam. Kick to the teeth. What a nice way to find out that they'd lied to me. I confronted them about why I was uninvited in that case if parents were now coming and it was 'close family'. The reason is: If you and your brother come then that means that sister's husband-to-be's grandma will want to come and they don't want loads of people there so it's parents only to stop arguments. Hmm... okay. I'll respect that; that's their decision. So instead of going to my sister's wedding I'm asked to leave my family for 3 days to go and look after my brother and parents' house & dogs. Couple of months later and I'm visiting my sister's house and there's her wedding photos on the wall... complete with a group photo of around 30 people including husband's Grandma, friends & their families and some people I've never seen in my life. So to me it seems like they lied to me to get me to drop everything to go and look after their dogs.

OK, back to my point.

Whilst I understand everyone responds differently to stress, it seems as though my sister is starting to play everyone off each other and blaming/guilt tripping everyone else for days when they can't be with my dad. She goes one day a week. She's already made my mum cry but gets handed a green card because she has children. On the Saturday before that dreaded Sunday, I was waiting around at my mum's house for her to get home from work so I could drive her to the hospital to visit my dad. Whilst waiting, I get some pretty horrific texts from my sister saying that my mum's crying and I shouldn't have to be guilt tripped in to going to look after my dad and essentially making out that I don't do anything for them. She then told me that I 'may as well just go home'. Of course I took her up on that, grabbed my shit and walked out that door.

After everything I've done for them, after everything I've given up, because one day out of 2.5 months I've asked for one day for myself I'm suddenly the worst daughter in the world and I haven't done anything for them. Like I'd said, if it was an emergency and their car had broken down then of course I would've dropped everything to go to dad. Not for a bloody pantomime. Not when my dad is lying extremely vulnerable in a hospital bed, undergoing chemotherapy which has completely destroyed his immune system. We were told that even if he has an underlying infection, as soon as he has his chemo then it will kill him. I wouldn't consider a pantomime, a room full of people during a pandemic, would be the best place to go and whether I went on Sunday or not I'm absolutely furious that they would even consider putting my dad's life at risk like that.

Now my family aren't talking to me as I need to 'grow up' and 'put my ego aside' - all of this because I said no. My mum's sticking up for my sister because 'She's stressed because she's working and she has children', but does that mean that because I don't have children my life is less meaningful and I don't have a right to be stressed? I don't know how many of you have been through infertility and fertilty clinics but it's not a nice place to be and it's certainly not stress free.

I'm heartbroken and I want to cut my family off because I can't take any more of the abuse (it's been like this all my life) but am I just going to be seen by everyone else as being the asshole and I don't want to leave my dad during what could be his final days.

Am I an asshole? :(

Did all 30 guests manage to keep it secret from you?

ok lovely.. i've been there, done that, quite literally in the last few months of my dads life, and you need to give yourself a break... because when the inevitable invariably happens, and your dad passes away, you're going to end up being the one who carries on carrying EVERYONE else for MONTHS, and you'll be burnt out with no time to grieve for yourself. The impact on your mental health will be massive and take you a long time to get over.

You need to step back, its hard enough doing all this when you get on with your parents, never mind when you're dealing with a mum who is treating you like shit while you're running around after her and your brother.

Please just pick a couple of days when you can go take care of your dad by yourself, if you want to help with your brother, thats up to you.. but as for your sister.. she can go fuck herself quite honestly.

Don't burn yourself out for their ungrateful asses, look after yourself, your dad (if you want) and nothing else.

Why do you have to care for your dad when he's in a hospital? Isn't that what hospitals are for?

What you have said about the hospital is terrible. Surely they can not treat your father like that? Can adult social care help you ? Could you get funding for care at home ? Surely it could not be any worse?

@xILikeJamx

Read what op has said above . It sounds horrendous

My mum can’t do anything for herself but she was not treated like that in her recent hospital stay.

Bless you, you are having a horrible time.

But the part I don't understand... Your dad is in hospital... what part of "helping him" is it you need to do? Surely you can't do anything in the practical sense beyond sit with him and hold his hand?

Is the whole "helping dad" thing actually a code for "be at mum's constant beck and call"?

Go and see your dad as much, or as little, as you want. And everyone else can lump it.

@Happy1982ish

Did all 30 guests manage to keep it secret from you?

@Happy1982ish My parents/sisters in-laws are the only ones there that I knew so not really any chance of me finding out unless my mum/sister slipped up

@zingally he needs feeding, watering and someone to run to the nurses station for him when they're ignoring his buzzer.

It also helps having someone there who knows his medical history for when the doctors visit as he's unable to speak for himself. They're using him for research due to the rarity of the disease so he gets visited quite frequently.

They can call about the latter part but it's the concern over the care that's keeping us there all day.

... it's also code for 'be at mum's beck and call'

You sound lovely @Nickwinkle

But have you realised that you are the scapegoat in your family and your DSis is the golden child?

Your whole description of your wedding etc demonstrates this!

You need to prioritise yourself and your DH, you need to step back and ignore the sulking/flying monkeys. I also think you need to read up on toxic families.

If the care that your father is receiving is as bad as you say then you need to contact PALS and complain. Part of your problem is that your being there so much of the time is encouraging the staff to treat you as his default 1:1 carer

It also helps having someone there who knows his medical history for when the doctors visit as he's unable to speak for himself.
I would sit with dad and write bullet points of his main illnesses and dates. Expecting someone to be ther 24/7 to speak for him is nuts. Possibly run through it with senior nurse on duty - it seems very sensible, would anyone complain? ( I'm meaning medical staff - no doubt your pia family would whinge - just don't tell them.)

After the wedding incident that would have been me finished for good with the lot of them.

They're taking you for a mug and so is the hospital.

Walk away. Your father is as culpable as the rest of them.

Can't you see this? Your sacrificing your potential family for what?

What kn earth does your DP think?

Honestly @Nickwinkle I would not postpone fertility treatment. It took me over 4 years and 6 rounds of IVF to get pregnant ( and it’s v early days).

I think what would be best is for you to take this break from your family they’ve given you by not speaking to you (so childish). Go see a counsellor and explain the situation. Help them get you to work out a feasible plan that is realistic (weighs up your guilt vs your own needs) and let’s you do your fertility treatment. This could be driving down once per week and staying over in a hotel to see you father for two days - if your mother and sister also did two days there would only be one day he has no visitors. I would stop all extra work bar seeing your father. You have you own job and home. Tell your family your counsellor/fertility consultant have told you you can only do X and Y without impacting your own health. And then stick to what you’ve decided.

Don’t let your family rob you of the opportunity to have your own life and family with your DH. It’s not worth it. They treat you awfully.

@LagunaBubbles

What an appalling pair your Mum and sister really are.

This ^ OP. I know exactly how you are feeling because the same dynamics play out in my family and it’s very hurtful. I’ve had to come to an acceptance of the situation otherwise would have a breakdown

I also agree with @Nanny0gg I think that you would benefit with having counselling. You are deeply in the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and you DF enables their behaviour.

You need to step back and contact PALS, write his medical history down and complain.

Also don’t feel guilty. You are his daughter, your DF has a wife. They are treating you as though you are his carer. STOP!

@Nanny0gg

After the wedding incident that would have been me finished for good with the lot of them.

They're taking you for a mug and so is the hospital.

Walk away. Your father is as culpable as the rest of them.

Can't you see this? Your sacrificing your potential family for what?

What kn earth does your DP think?

Could not agree more.

Stopping treatment for this shower?
Ridiculous.
Unbelievable.

Your father put HIMSELF first.

Now you are doing it too.

Kindly meant, but you are foolish.

Foolish.

You will bitterly regret putting an awful family ahead of your chance of IVF for any length.

This is not your responsibility.

Get counselling.
Step back.

Or
Deal with the consequences.

I’m sorry you are being treated this way, it just sounds so unfair. On scheduling IVF, I know how important it is to be in the right headspace, so i can understand that waiting a few months might be the right thing for you… but do it when you are ready, don’t delay further because it might be convenient for the family.

That last bit was supposed to be:
don’t delay further because it might be inconvenient for the family.

Been there and done that OP. You won't ever be appreciated.

I am the scapegoat in my family. I have put serious boundaries in place after my marriage nearly fell apart. The laughable thing is that since I've done that they have all decided that I am probably going through the menopause and I'll get over myself.

Don't put off IVF any longer and don't assume your DP is ok with you constantly putting your family of origin first. I'm really sorry your dad is ill but do you think this will end even if your poor dad is no longer around, you will be used for someone else in the family then, it will never end.

Please go and speak to a therapist, this isn't an uncommon problem in families but you have time to look after your own future family now.

Best wishes, I know too well the feelings you are going through.

Good luck. Your situation sounds awful and I sympathise. Do the things you need to do without reference to your sister and mum. Look after your dad when you can if it helps you feel at ease with yourself but stop running yourself ragged. No one will thank you for it.

There's a lot going on here so apologies if I've missed anything. Sorry you're in this situation OP and about the fertility treatment. Your mum and sisters total lack of sympathy on that front should have told you all you need to know about those two - they only care about themselves. And that story about the wedding - wow your sister is a piece of work. Both your parents went along with this which is really awful.
Well done for ignoring their messages, you do need to start doing things on your own terms. Your dad has told your mum to close the business, she needs to do that and then she can sit in the hospital with him. You need to stay in your own house OP, and can your brother come to stay with you if needed? To be fair to your sister if she has a job and children she won't have that much time to help out, it is all consuming as you will hopefully experience one day. Your mum needs to make arrangements for her dogs like a dogsitter/neighbour letting them out, things have been like this for two months now, none of this is sustainable. I can't getmy head around you driving 6 hours in one day whilst having fertility treatment. Poor you.
WRT the hospitalwhat happened with the complaints, were you satisfied with their response? Escalate them and keep escalating them if you are not. You shouldn't have to sit there all day to make sure they do they jobs, hold them to account through the complaints system instead. I appreciate it's hard when you're having a traumatic time but maybe put everything in writing instead.
Keep on with sticking to your boundaries with mum & sis , I would keep them at a distance from now on.

@REignbow

You sound lovely *@Nickwinkle*

But have you realised that you are the scapegoat in your family and your DSis is the golden child?

Your whole description of your wedding etc demonstrates this!

You need to prioritise yourself and your DH, you need to step back and ignore the sulking/flying monkeys. I also think you need to read up on toxic families.

I agree with this.

6 years ttc and knowing you’re having fertility treatment and they use your sisters kids as a reason for you to do everything and bully you by text for taking one day off?

Also Manchester is a really long (and not nice in winter) drive from Sheffield/Doncaster, at least Leeds is the right side of the Pennines. I can’t believe you’ve been doing that on a daily basis and trying to work. I get it that you feel you are neglecting your partner at a difficult time for you both, I didn’t read it that you were equating cats to kids.

I think someone needs to complain about your dads care if it so inadequate so a relative doesn’t need to be there all day every day, not many families could do that.

Focus on seeing your dad as much as you want to, no more.

@Nickwinkle

Wow! I did not expect so many responses on this - thank you all for your kind words. It's been an awful time.

I'll just touch up on the partner/cat situation... I may have made that sound bad but it's actually not the case. I meant more as 'I didn't want to leave him looking after everything for a few days as it's not fair to put the stresses on him'. He's been an absolute god-send and even took some time off work so he could drive me to mum's/hospital because he could see how exhausted I was and didn't want me to have an accident by falling asleep at the wheel. He's also come to the hospital with me on occasions so he can look after my dad whilst I get some work done in a corner so I really can't fault him. Sorry for mixing that bit up!

The staff at hospital he's in are completely useless but unfortunately that's where all the lymphoma specialists are so moving him isn't an option. They've left him some nights lying in his own faeces and/or sick and keep ignoring his buzzer. Because he can't feed himself, if they've had no one there to feed him because of 'staff shortages' then he's just gone without. I've been there when it's happened and several complaints have gone in to the matron, ward manager & PALS :( So I'd rather go all day and make sure he's properly looked after. He's my dad after all and if he doesn't pull through then at least I can say hand on heart that I did everything I could to make the last of his time as comfortable as possible.

I've had councelling a couple of times previously and the lady always brought up my lack of confidence and assertiveness. I've found I deal a lot better with it these days - except for when it comes to my family - and so I guess that means I've found the epicentre of it all.

You're all completely right and, as painful as it'll be, I really need to cut my ties with them. I could tell you so many stories of what's gone on...

I know its not down to you, but is there any possibility of moving your dad to Leeds? The hematology oncology dept at St James is much better than Sheffield and the staff are wonderful. It would be easier for all of you to get to for visiting

Just been reading back through all of these and I honestly feel like a right mug. Realisation has finally kicked in about how toxic they all are, and it's a shame it's taken such an horrific event such as this to find out.

I'll be starting treatment again on my next cycle and any decisions made will be solely based on the effect it has on me and my partner - no one else

Also feel a bit of a mug for how I've been with DH. He's done nothing but support me and I kinda pushed holding back the treatment on him because I wanted to focus on my dad. He respected the decision and he's supported me with it but I know he's sad about it. I just want to go give him a big hug and cry :(

Would you believe whilst typing this out I get a message from my mum asking 'Are you ignoring me????????'. No, mum. You can message me any time you want but it always seems to be me that has to contact you first . Merry Christmas, eh?

Don't worry about it (easy to say, eh?!), but try not to. Concentrate on your own immediate needs and concerns - your life, your job, your dh, your ivf, your cat, your Christmas. If you become ill at ease with these aspects of your life you will be good for little.

Instead, figuratively, pick up mum and sis (and dad) and put them over there for the moment. Waaay over there. When you find yourself thinking(worrying, feeling guilty) about them, again figuratively turn around and follow the path right back to your own front door and your own hearth and heart and home.

Visualising this stuff helps. I used to lie in bed night after night after night, worrying worrying worrying, until someone suggested putting my worries in a pink bubble and letting them float out of the window and away.... we're all different, so maybe something more realistic, like in the first para is more your thing.

Either way, you can only do your best - and you do - and youare only human, and there are limits to what one person can do without completely losing themselves. Don't lose yourself.