Am I the bad person for telling my family 'no'?

[Nickwinkle]

Hi All... having a moral dilemma here and I feel awful but at the same time all I can think is 'why should I?'

Some background in to what's gone on;
My dad is currently in hospital with Paraneoplastic Cerebral Degeneration as a result of T Cell Lymphoma. He's extremely unwell and is incapable of performing basic human functions, such as speaking, eating, seeing, etc. He's currently having chemotherapy to try and reduce the severity of the cancer, which we've been told is untreatable. He's been this way for over 2 months now and, due to the rarity of the disease, we've no idea how things are going to turn out. Initially I took three weeks sick off work to help my mum at home and make sure I was at the hospital every day to help care for him. Once the three weeks were up, financially I had to return to work but managed to get them to agree to home working so I could continue to support my parents. I'm one of three children, my brother is disabled and my sister is married with two kids. I'm childless through no decision of my own, but I live with my partner and have two house cats (who are very dependent on me). This pretty much leaves only my sister and myself who can help my mum out (small family). I am based in Manchester, my sister in Leeds, my mum in Doncaster and my dad is currently in Sheffield. My sister is constantly using the fact she has two children as an excuse to not help, despite living with her husband who is the father of said kids, and my mum is happy to allow these excuses.

Me and my partner had our first round of fertility treatment this last month and through the 'important' week where we needed to be together, I still made sure I was there for my parents every day and drove from mine, to my mums, to my dad (6hr round trip) every single day. Of course, this led to stress and exhaustion which resulted in a failed fertility attempt. As horrible as it was after TTC for 6 years, I put this to the back of my mind and refuse to grieve over it until my dad is OK (or, y'know). My partner and I have made the decision to put any further treatment on hold until the situation changes. Heartbreaking, but I've put my family first. I told my mum about the failed treatment and her response was 'Okay'. My sister responded 'We didn't think it would work first round anyway'. But whatever.

My dad's business is closer to my sister than my parents house so it's been agreed that during the latter half of the week (Wed-Sat), when she's working there, that she will stay with my sister and I will go and live at my mums to look after her dogs, my brother, the house and my dad. All the while carrying out my own job and putting extra stress on my partner as he's now having to maintain our home and pets on his own. We're happy to do it though as it helps my parents and that's my main priority.

A Sunday is pretty much the only day I have to 'get things sorted' at the moment. Things like needing clean clothes, a shower (because even that's hard to find time for now!), and making sure my partner is OK because this is putting a lot of pressure on us and we want to make sure we're able to support each other too. We'd agreed that Sunday (12/12) would be our day to get our Christmas tree, put our decorations up and go shopping as it's the only day we had before Christmas. I have my Covid booster the weekend after so there's no saying if I'll be well enough and I don't see the point of putting Christmas dec's up on the weekend before Christmas. My mum asked, after we'd made the plans, if I could go to the hospital on the Sunday to look after my dad. Now, here's my moral dilemma. I wanted to say 'of course' and drop everything for my parents but then I remembered everything I've done so far and that I need a break too. I asked why she wasn't going and her reason was because she was going to a pantomime. She'd arranged well in advance to go out with my brother, sister and her kids but hadn't actually bothered asking me and my partner, I assume, because she'd already decided we were cancelling our plans to look after my dad. So... not an emergency. OK, so my mum and sister are as entitled to a break as I am but that shouldn't mean making each other cancel plans last minute, especially considering they'd just had 4 days of break. As I said, Sunday is my only day. I told them no, I can't do it. They've asked countless times before for me to go when they couldn't and I've done it without question.

Just a little context on this situation as it happens quite a lot where I'm expected to drop everything for my family:
August 2021: My sister got married. I had been asked to be her maid of honour, same as she was for mine. I'd started planning her hen do and all those other little bits that were my responsibility. I then got informed that I was no longer invited to my sisters wedding as she'd decided she only wanted her friend there (no parents) and was going down to Bournemouth. OK, fair enough. I was annoyed but it's her choice at the end of the day. I then get invited to go shopping with my mum and my sister for what I thought was an 'all of us' shopping day. How wrong was I. My mum was frantically searching for a dress and when I asked 'Why?' she responded 'for your sister's wedding.' Bam. Kick to the teeth. What a nice way to find out that they'd lied to me. I confronted them about why I was uninvited in that case if parents were now coming and it was 'close family'. The reason is: If you and your brother come then that means that sister's husband-to-be's grandma will want to come and they don't want loads of people there so it's parents only to stop arguments. Hmm... okay. I'll respect that; that's their decision. So instead of going to my sister's wedding I'm asked to leave my family for 3 days to go and look after my brother and parents' house & dogs. Couple of months later and I'm visiting my sister's house and there's her wedding photos on the wall... complete with a group photo of around 30 people including husband's Grandma, friends & their families and some people I've never seen in my life. So to me it seems like they lied to me to get me to drop everything to go and look after their dogs.

OK, back to my point.

Whilst I understand everyone responds differently to stress, it seems as though my sister is starting to play everyone off each other and blaming/guilt tripping everyone else for days when they can't be with my dad. She goes one day a week. She's already made my mum cry but gets handed a green card because she has children. On the Saturday before that dreaded Sunday, I was waiting around at my mum's house for her to get home from work so I could drive her to the hospital to visit my dad. Whilst waiting, I get some pretty horrific texts from my sister saying that my mum's crying and I shouldn't have to be guilt tripped in to going to look after my dad and essentially making out that I don't do anything for them. She then told me that I 'may as well just go home'. Of course I took her up on that, grabbed my shit and walked out that door.

After everything I've done for them, after everything I've given up, because one day out of 2.5 months I've asked for one day for myself I'm suddenly the worst daughter in the world and I haven't done anything for them. Like I'd said, if it was an emergency and their car had broken down then of course I would've dropped everything to go to dad. Not for a bloody pantomime. Not when my dad is lying extremely vulnerable in a hospital bed, undergoing chemotherapy which has completely destroyed his immune system. We were told that even if he has an underlying infection, as soon as he has his chemo then it will kill him. I wouldn't consider a pantomime, a room full of people during a pandemic, would be the best place to go and whether I went on Sunday or not I'm absolutely furious that they would even consider putting my dad's life at risk like that.

Now my family aren't talking to me as I need to 'grow up' and 'put my ego aside' - all of this because I said no. My mum's sticking up for my sister because 'She's stressed because she's working and she has children', but does that mean that because I don't have children my life is less meaningful and I don't have a right to be stressed? I don't know how many of you have been through infertility and fertilty clinics but it's not a nice place to be and it's certainly not stress free.

I'm heartbroken and I want to cut my family off because I can't take any more of the abuse (it's been like this all my life) but am I just going to be seen by everyone else as being the asshole and I don't want to leave my dad during what could be his final days.

Am I an asshole? :(

* I only worry because I care... one of my downsides I s'ppose*

Please don’t say things like this
It’s along the lines of
“I’m too nice”
“My weakness is that I love to help people”

Makes most peoples toes curl

I only got as far as the point about putting TTC on hold.

Please don't sacrifice any more of your wants and needs OP

You deserve to be happy and owe them nothing. Please consider counselling to emotionally separate from them

When dealing with people who care only about themselves, you need to adopt the same approach and put yourself first.

Personally, I would have cut contact after what they did about the wedding.

As for not feeling comfortable leaving your partner to handle the house and cats for a couple of days

He’s a grown assed man OP

He’ll probably relish the evenings sprawled on sofa watching his TV and eating take away.

It’s simple

Back away. Go and visit just your father on your own, do what you can do for him on your own, let your mother and sister sort out how they get there’s different what they will do themselves

You pr mother can sort out dog care herself if necessary, there are enough people out there who offer those services. She can sort out support for your brother the same way.

Look at it this way, say something was to happen to you and you needed help, would they provide it? No you would be left to sort it out yourself

So you need to focus on you, and what’s happening in your life, so as I say make your own arrangements to see your father, support him direct if you wish, and leave your mother, sister and brother to sort themselves out

Unless you set firm boundaries they are going to steamroller right over you.

Step back, visit your father when you can, and don't get involved in their rotas that have you living away from your own home and source of support.

The wedding scenario is odd
Very odd

You say your sister said you AND your brother couldn’t come
And yet you end up looking after your brother’s house during the wedding

And thirty odd guests attended…. And you had no idea until after the wedding? were they all sworn to silence “shhh don’t tell Nickwinkle”. And all thirty of them kept quiet?

Your beloved father never told you?

@MaHBroon

You say your sister's husband could look after her house and 2 children but then talk abou the extra stress on leaving your partner with 2 cats confused

This is what struck me after reading the entire post.

It also made me wonder how she's going to cope assuming the fertility treatment is successful - the OP can't seem to stop doing everything for everyone all of the time, and I worry she's going to take on more than her fair share of parenting when the time comes.

@Nickwinkle - sometimes you have to put your own life jacket on first before you help others. I say that kindly, because I recognise a lot of your behaviours in myself and I can warn you, if you keep running around everyone doing everything, you won't be superwoman, you'll be a broken woman.

Your partner looking after a household and two cats is honestly not a big deal.

It would be nice to spend some quality time together, because every relationship needs that, but you're not asking very much of him and treating it as if he's doing you the biggest favour. I honestly think you need to reassess what you're doing for the important person in your life, what they're doing for you, and if that power dynamic is fair.

You need some balance back so by the time you're a mum yourself, you feel more comfortable getting your partner to pull his weight, and sparing some time for yourself to feel like a human. You're struggling to look after yourself now without children - it's not going to get easier to look after yourself when you do have them.

You are important too, you know. Don't you see that?

I would stop doing anything for them at all. Totally prioritise yourself and your IVF. Don't wait because of them! Tell them if you want to that this is what you'll be doing from now on. You have your Own life to lead.

I don't think you can equate two cats to two children. I can assure you having two cats is no where near the stress of having two children. I do think under the circumstances it's fair that you do more than her but I also think that you are doing too much. Not sure why they would invite you to the panto though - they are probably taking the kids and didn't think you'd want to go. If you do you should ask them to invite you next time

Fraud your the escape goat- not nice at all

August 2021: My sister got married. I had been asked to be her maid of honour, same as she was for mine. I'd started planning her hen do and all those other little bits that were my responsibility. I then got informed that I was no longer invited to my sisters wedding as she'd decided she only wanted her friend there (no parents) and was going down to Bournemouth. OK, fair enough. I was annoyed but it's her choice at the end of the day. I then get invited to go shopping with my mum and my sister for what I thought was an 'all of us' shopping day. How wrong was I. My mum was frantically searching for a dress and when I asked 'Why?' she responded 'for your sister's wedding.' Bam. Kick to the teeth. What a nice way to find out that they'd lied to me. I confronted them about why I was uninvited in that case if parents were now coming and it was 'close family'. The reason is: If you and your brother come then that means that sister's husband-to-be's grandma will want to come and they don't want loads of people there so it's parents only to stop arguments. Hmm... okay. I'll respect that; that's their decision. So instead of going to my sister's wedding I'm asked to leave my family for 3 days to go and look after my brother and parents' house & dogs. Couple of months later and I'm visiting my sister's house and there's her wedding photos on the wall... complete with a group photo of around 30 people including husband's Grandma, friends & their families and some people I've never seen in my life. So to me it seems like they lied to me to get me to drop everything to go and look after their dogs

I’m really sorry Op. even as the mum of lots of children including one who is severely disabled I’m shocked that they did this to you.

I guess that now you either have to see it what for it is - they know your brother is happy with you and that you look after him well, or you force the issue and put your brothers well-being at risk when someone who isn’t that great with him has to take care of him when their is an event going on.

Why does your DM need all of this help? What exactly are you doing, and who was doing it before your dad got sick? And why does your dad need “looking after” if he’s in hospital?

I’d step way back from all of them, and just go and visit your dad.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time for not wanting to leave your OH to it. I suspect that you just want to be with him, rather than with the other horrible people, and are expressing that as his "needing" you, because being needed is a more acceptable motive than wanting to spend less time with your horrible family. He sounds lovely, and being with him probably feels like an indulgence! Your family members are indulging themselves happily, with family time, the panto, help at home and help with the business... why should you not have the same?

With the best will in the world you cannot keep this up.

You should not out your fertility treatment on hold for this, it would not be what your Dad would want.

Your sister will not be offering any support but that doesn't mean you do more, it means you set a limit and stick to it or your family will suck you dry without a second thought.

Would your DF be able to go to a hospice for better care? A main problem seems to be the attention he is getting from the hospital nursing staff is poor.

"You say your sister said you AND your brother couldn’t come
And yet you end up looking after your brother’s house during the wedding"

Her brother is disabled and needs care if he is alone more than about 1 day. If I read correctly, he lives with her parents (now just with her mother since her dad is in hospital). The way I understood the wedding situation was that she was disinvited from the wedding, using the subterfuge of "if we invite you then we have to invite 30 other people" as a way to trick her into caregiving for the brother, parents' house, dogs, so that her parents could go have fun at the wedding AND the other 30 people could be invited.

Oh my God, I want to take you out for a coffee and not leave you until you realise that YOU matter. You matter. You have done enough. Put yourself first, know that they will enjoy telling you this, and visit your dad when they aren't around. Your mum is gearing up for playing you and your sister off against each other when your dad has passed. Be prepared for their nastiness to escalate, though - and practise not caring about it.

If he doesn't pass away then he will definitely be needing long term care. I can't see him recovering from this as there's been no research on it so there's technically no treatment - it's all experimental. I've tried to speak to her about what we'll do and she said she doesn't want to think about it. I completely understand that as she's just taking each day as it comes, we all are, but there is going to come a point where it needs discussing like you've rightly said.

I suspect that her 'not thinking about it' actually means 'I'll dump it all on you'. OP you may feel you have to stay connected, at least at some level, because of your dad. But when he is no longer here I strongly recommend that you cut both mother and sister out of your life and never have anything to do with either of them ever again. Concentrate on what you have with your lovely DP and hopefully a much loved baby.

Yanbu as you are being treated as Cinderella here but yabu to blame your mum and the situation for your IVF treatment.

TLDR but I got the gist of it.
Why does your dad need “looking after” in a hospital on a Sunday?

@NatriumChloride

TLDR but I got the gist of it. Why does your dad need “looking after” in a hospital on a Sunday?

Perhaps if you read it you'd find out? It's all in there.

Hi @Nickwinkle I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.

If I was you I'd have a frank conversation with your mum, she has to realise that you are the one who is putting in the brunt of the work with helping look after your dad, making sure her household is running smoothly and taking care of your brother. You are putting your life on hold to make sure her's is easier and that's unfair to you. If I was you I'd step away from the situation, continue to go and support your Dad and visit him in hospital but as far as the others are concerned they are only needing you to make their life easier, you know where you stand with your sister - she didn't invite you to her wedding, she's lashing out at you when your doing everything and that's unfair. Start your IVF treatment, I'm going through IVF right now and it's a struggle, it's a lot of stress and pressure to put on top of you and I understand that but you are putting the happiness of yourself & your husband on hold and for what? You aren't getting any appreciation for it after everything that your doing to help THEM. If I was you I'd be saying to your mum what you've said here - that you've stopped the IVF treatment which isn't their fault, you've made that decision yourself but their comments about it failing is nasty and that's not OK at all, then tell them absolutely everything that you have done for them and yes you might not have a family but that doesn't mean that your life isn't as important as your sister. Stop putting your life on hold that's all I'd say on that.

The reality is that your sister probably won’t be able to help that much if she has a job and children. You’ve asked work to be flexible to enable you to help with your Dad. You are in a better position to help but it shouldn’t be presumed you’ll do everything and not for social events. I got a bit confused about what needs doing but if you need to look after your brother couldn’t you take him to your house so that your husband can help and you’ll be together? Dogs can go to sister with Mum or kennels. If you do a few consecutive days looking after Dad and it’s 3 hours each way why not stay in a hotel?