Am I the bad person for telling my family 'no'?

[Nickwinkle]

Hi All... having a moral dilemma here and I feel awful but at the same time all I can think is 'why should I?'

Some background in to what's gone on;
My dad is currently in hospital with Paraneoplastic Cerebral Degeneration as a result of T Cell Lymphoma. He's extremely unwell and is incapable of performing basic human functions, such as speaking, eating, seeing, etc. He's currently having chemotherapy to try and reduce the severity of the cancer, which we've been told is untreatable. He's been this way for over 2 months now and, due to the rarity of the disease, we've no idea how things are going to turn out. Initially I took three weeks sick off work to help my mum at home and make sure I was at the hospital every day to help care for him. Once the three weeks were up, financially I had to return to work but managed to get them to agree to home working so I could continue to support my parents. I'm one of three children, my brother is disabled and my sister is married with two kids. I'm childless through no decision of my own, but I live with my partner and have two house cats (who are very dependent on me). This pretty much leaves only my sister and myself who can help my mum out (small family). I am based in Manchester, my sister in Leeds, my mum in Doncaster and my dad is currently in Sheffield. My sister is constantly using the fact she has two children as an excuse to not help, despite living with her husband who is the father of said kids, and my mum is happy to allow these excuses.

Me and my partner had our first round of fertility treatment this last month and through the 'important' week where we needed to be together, I still made sure I was there for my parents every day and drove from mine, to my mums, to my dad (6hr round trip) every single day. Of course, this led to stress and exhaustion which resulted in a failed fertility attempt. As horrible as it was after TTC for 6 years, I put this to the back of my mind and refuse to grieve over it until my dad is OK (or, y'know). My partner and I have made the decision to put any further treatment on hold until the situation changes. Heartbreaking, but I've put my family first. I told my mum about the failed treatment and her response was 'Okay'. My sister responded 'We didn't think it would work first round anyway'. But whatever.

My dad's business is closer to my sister than my parents house so it's been agreed that during the latter half of the week (Wed-Sat), when she's working there, that she will stay with my sister and I will go and live at my mums to look after her dogs, my brother, the house and my dad. All the while carrying out my own job and putting extra stress on my partner as he's now having to maintain our home and pets on his own. We're happy to do it though as it helps my parents and that's my main priority.

A Sunday is pretty much the only day I have to 'get things sorted' at the moment. Things like needing clean clothes, a shower (because even that's hard to find time for now!), and making sure my partner is OK because this is putting a lot of pressure on us and we want to make sure we're able to support each other too. We'd agreed that Sunday (12/12) would be our day to get our Christmas tree, put our decorations up and go shopping as it's the only day we had before Christmas. I have my Covid booster the weekend after so there's no saying if I'll be well enough and I don't see the point of putting Christmas dec's up on the weekend before Christmas. My mum asked, after we'd made the plans, if I could go to the hospital on the Sunday to look after my dad. Now, here's my moral dilemma. I wanted to say 'of course' and drop everything for my parents but then I remembered everything I've done so far and that I need a break too. I asked why she wasn't going and her reason was because she was going to a pantomime. She'd arranged well in advance to go out with my brother, sister and her kids but hadn't actually bothered asking me and my partner, I assume, because she'd already decided we were cancelling our plans to look after my dad. So... not an emergency. OK, so my mum and sister are as entitled to a break as I am but that shouldn't mean making each other cancel plans last minute, especially considering they'd just had 4 days of break. As I said, Sunday is my only day. I told them no, I can't do it. They've asked countless times before for me to go when they couldn't and I've done it without question.

Just a little context on this situation as it happens quite a lot where I'm expected to drop everything for my family:
August 2021: My sister got married. I had been asked to be her maid of honour, same as she was for mine. I'd started planning her hen do and all those other little bits that were my responsibility. I then got informed that I was no longer invited to my sisters wedding as she'd decided she only wanted her friend there (no parents) and was going down to Bournemouth. OK, fair enough. I was annoyed but it's her choice at the end of the day. I then get invited to go shopping with my mum and my sister for what I thought was an 'all of us' shopping day. How wrong was I. My mum was frantically searching for a dress and when I asked 'Why?' she responded 'for your sister's wedding.' Bam. Kick to the teeth. What a nice way to find out that they'd lied to me. I confronted them about why I was uninvited in that case if parents were now coming and it was 'close family'. The reason is: If you and your brother come then that means that sister's husband-to-be's grandma will want to come and they don't want loads of people there so it's parents only to stop arguments. Hmm... okay. I'll respect that; that's their decision. So instead of going to my sister's wedding I'm asked to leave my family for 3 days to go and look after my brother and parents' house & dogs. Couple of months later and I'm visiting my sister's house and there's her wedding photos on the wall... complete with a group photo of around 30 people including husband's Grandma, friends & their families and some people I've never seen in my life. So to me it seems like they lied to me to get me to drop everything to go and look after their dogs.

OK, back to my point.

Whilst I understand everyone responds differently to stress, it seems as though my sister is starting to play everyone off each other and blaming/guilt tripping everyone else for days when they can't be with my dad. She goes one day a week. She's already made my mum cry but gets handed a green card because she has children. On the Saturday before that dreaded Sunday, I was waiting around at my mum's house for her to get home from work so I could drive her to the hospital to visit my dad. Whilst waiting, I get some pretty horrific texts from my sister saying that my mum's crying and I shouldn't have to be guilt tripped in to going to look after my dad and essentially making out that I don't do anything for them. She then told me that I 'may as well just go home'. Of course I took her up on that, grabbed my shit and walked out that door.

After everything I've done for them, after everything I've given up, because one day out of 2.5 months I've asked for one day for myself I'm suddenly the worst daughter in the world and I haven't done anything for them. Like I'd said, if it was an emergency and their car had broken down then of course I would've dropped everything to go to dad. Not for a bloody pantomime. Not when my dad is lying extremely vulnerable in a hospital bed, undergoing chemotherapy which has completely destroyed his immune system. We were told that even if he has an underlying infection, as soon as he has his chemo then it will kill him. I wouldn't consider a pantomime, a room full of people during a pandemic, would be the best place to go and whether I went on Sunday or not I'm absolutely furious that they would even consider putting my dad's life at risk like that.

Now my family aren't talking to me as I need to 'grow up' and 'put my ego aside' - all of this because I said no. My mum's sticking up for my sister because 'She's stressed because she's working and she has children', but does that mean that because I don't have children my life is less meaningful and I don't have a right to be stressed? I don't know how many of you have been through infertility and fertilty clinics but it's not a nice place to be and it's certainly not stress free.

I'm heartbroken and I want to cut my family off because I can't take any more of the abuse (it's been like this all my life) but am I just going to be seen by everyone else as being the asshole and I don't want to leave my dad during what could be his final days.

Am I an asshole? :(

Put yourself first here. Re the stress...I've been in your situation re getting pregnant and not....TTC is alot more stressful than having a child I found so your sister using the children as an excuse is rubbish. Saying that everyone deals with different types of stress in different ways. You and your husband need to ook after yourselves first. Yanbu xxx

@LetHimHaveIt

"I meant more as 'I didn't want to leave him looking after everything for a few days as it's not fair to put the stresses on him"

I'm not sure this has clarified anything. What stresses? What 'everything'? Many, many adult males can and do look after what amounts to a building and a couple of cats indefinitely, let alone for a few days. So stop worrying about him. He's fine.

You also don't need to lift a finger for the bunch of ingrates you call family.

Just go and see your dad when you're able. And look after yourself.

@LetHimHaveIt Okay, what I really mean to say is; I'm really needy at the moment and I just want to be with him and let him support him as he has been doing so I hate being away from him and I feel guilty for putting stress on to him when I know he doesn't mind and he would do everything a million times over. . He's a good egg, honestly. I would've completely crumbled by now if he hadn't been doing everything he has. I only worry because I care... one of my downsides I s'ppose.

Even when my husband was dying, I had the odd day I didn't visit! You can't keep up this level of driving and visiting and looking after indefinitely, and given the way you are pounced on as soon as you even take one day off which you may just need for your sanity, then I would start stepping back. Decide how often you would like to see your dad and then go for that. You cannot be there all day every day indefinitely. I think these situations are very hard because you don't know how long he's got, if it were short, you might carry on as you are for a week or two, but if he could live for many weeks or months, then exhaustion will take over. You won't be safe to drive for starters.

I strongly suggest you start ignoring your mum and sister and deciding what is reasonable to see your dad going forward, remembering that if you crash, it won't benefit him, I would think two or three times absolute max myself, otherwise you will start to become ill or a danger on the roads.

Take care of yourself, I'm sorry you are in this position.

@OnwardsAndSideways1 I'm so sorry you've had to go through that. I couldn't imagine how painful that must've been

It is harsh but they are doing you a favour.

They’ve taken you for granted for a long time. If they dint want to talk to you anymore, then no need for you to run around taking everyone to hospital etc…. You’ll have some time back, time with your DH (that’s has been a great support) etc….

I suspect though that they will be back quickly when they realise help isn’t forth coming anymore though.
Up to you to decide if you still want to help or how - eg with very string boundaries in place in how much you can or can’t do.

Why are you pausing your fertility treatment for such selfish people?. Why would you do that.

I would go nc with the lot of them, your dad included. Sounds harsh I know but then they are toxic to you. In no world would my parents allow me to be excluded from a family wedding in that way ( you hadn't done anything wrong). They simply aren't your responsibility and the way that they reacted to the outcome of your ivf attemp was heartless. You will never be good enough for them no matter how much you do. Don't give your time to people who will never love and cherish you in the way you deserve. What happens when your mum gets infirm, who will she expect to take care of her then? What about your brother when your mum dies, who's responsibility will he be? You get all of the shit op but none of the joy. Leave the precious child to pick up the slack as she gets appreciated and you don't. Why didn't they invite you to the panto? This is just another example of you being an afterthought. Going no contact is the only way for you to move forward and be happy. Best of luck op.

You need to stay in your own home and visit your mum when you can. You can visit your dad in the hospital. You don’t need all this chaotic schedules of staying at your parents home and coming back to yours. It’s unsustainable. Don’t stop your fertility treatment for anyone.

I may even suggest that usually suggest to your sister that you assume the closer 30 people who attended her wedding may be able to help her out....

I put my phone on silent for the rest of the day Saturday and the whole of Sunday (so I could actually step away from the situation) and the amount of crappy messages I got from my mum about 'ignoring' her and putting all the blame on 'not knowing what my sister had wrote' was ridiculous. But then when I told her I hadn't done anything wrong her response was 'OK'. So I guess that means she does agree with my sister?

I put the fertility treatment on hold because I knew the stress and exhaustion would render any attempts pointless as there'd be a good chance they'd fail... I don't want to be sad about losing babies and failed treatment when I'm already sad about my dad.

Visit your dad when you can. Re-start your fertility treatment.

Live this life for you- no one else gives two shiny shits so please yourself. Don’t give up everything for these awful people.

I skim read as so long tbh

What’s apparent is that YOU clearly and very definitely don’t think you’re being unreasonable!!

And on the basis of what I’ve read you are not

I understand that. I haven’t been in your situation re the fertility but I understand the situation with your dad as I lost my dad 3 years ago. Very painful. But it’s not your dad that’s stressing you, it’s your sister and mum. You need to stop talking to them.

Btw nit stepping up to support your mum and dsis (and basically do as you are told) doesn’t mean you can’t go and see your dad and support him.
It means you can do that in your own terms. When it’s convenient for you. Aka you are the cherry in the cake and they can do all the heavy lifting instead.
If they are NOT doing the heavy lifting and not going to see him, then that tells you too a lot about their own attitude towards your dad tbh.

You seem to be under the misconception that nobody else is capable of looking after themselves.

Btw. Trying to conceive and fertility treatment is way harder than having kids. And I say that as someone who has done both.

You sound lovely. Your family sound like arseholes. Get some therapy, find some confidence and enjoy your life.

I'm heartbroken and I want to cut my family off because I can't take any more of the abuse (it's been like this all my life)

You can absolutely step back from them. Visit your dad, and then go home.

I'm in a similar position with my mum being ill, and it seems like I'm expected to pick up everything despite my own disability, job, single parent to teens, life, Christmas etc.

So it's time to take a step back. Visit and support your dad (if that's what you want to do). Infertility is soul-destroying. Look after yourself, or you won't be able to look after anyone else.

This is a highly toxic situation. Your mum and sister will continue to take advantage of you and the second you stop toeing the line they'll turn around and say how selfish and unhelpful you are. That's their narrative tho and it is not your reality.

After such a long time of putting everyone else first, you need to put yourself, your DP and your dad first. Your mum and sister are just noise, esp how they treat you and there's a long term pattern of scapegoating.

You were absolutely right to put your phone on silence. They are outraged. But the next time you do it, it won't be such a shock to them, and so on until they accept that you've reset your boundaries.

You're doing so well. This is the most stressful of situations, and you're dealing with your own personal problems too.

OP, sit down with your partner and decide what you can reasonably help with, how many days etc. It doesn't matter what days your sister is doing or your mom. Let your family know which days you can help and then hold the line. They haven't been respectful or kind to you, just do the number of days that work with your life and well being.

And restart your fertility treatments! Don't even talk to them about it, it's none of their business and you should not be putting your life on hold for them.

@Nickwinkle I really feel for you. I have been no contact with my Sister for several years due to her attitude and controlling behaviour. Our Father died last year and during the end of life stages when we were with him I found being in her presence barely tolerable, but got through it as I needed to be there for my Father, even though he was not conscious. Since the death of my Father she has been doing as much as she can to ostracise me from my Mother, our other sibling, and several family members. Luckily some family can see through her but unfortunately not my Mother. Grieving the loss of my Father is difficult enough without dealing with her childishness.

Please don’t feel guilty for prioritising yourself and your own needs during this difficult time. I understand the pain of fertility problems and wish you well

You are not a bad person at all.

But it’s up to you to draw your boundaries. Rather than going every day, say: with eve thing going on, I can do Tuesdays and Thursdays. That leaves 5 days between your mother and sister - your mother could perhaps do 3. It’s more than fair.

Then when you’re guilt tripped, leant on, lied to, manipulated as you’ve been a million times: “I can do Tuesdays and Thursdays. Mum tell me how I can be most useful. Would you like me to look after dogs and brother? Or am I most useful at hospital?”

When you’re asked to do more, repeat to fade: “I can do Tuesdays and Thursdays.” You don’t have to justify why you can’t do more - they’ve shown they won’t respect or listen to your reasons.

Trying to set boundaries in response to their demands isn’t working. Something needs to change. Set your boundaries in advance, proactively and to suit you.

How did it feel to pick up your shit and walk out the door?

Bet it felt quite cathartic to take them at their word and do what was best for you for once. Their faces must have been a picture.

Stick to your guns. It'll hold you in good stead for any tougher times ahead, as they won't be able to order you around and make you deal with everything.

@FrenchBoule

What *@Skeumorph and @WhereYouLeftIt* said. Go see your dad when you can/want.

Don’t enable your mother and sister,they are alright to go on a jolly but guilt trip you at the same time.

What your sister did for her wedding was spiteful and you mother is complicit.

Don’t put your life on hold for anybody.

So sorry about your dad.

Take care of yourself

💐

This.

Great advice quoted.

Step away from your mother and sister.
They are awful users who could care less for you.

Do what you want for your father and block the other two.

You owe them nothing.

You say your sister's husband could look after her house and 2 children but then talk abou the extra stress on leaving your partner with 2 cats confused

This is what struck me after reading the entire post.

It sounds like they are dicks to you no matter what you do, so why not let them be dicks for something you have done (saying no, taking time for yourself to stop you burning out, prioritising your dad) rather than whatever they decide to blame you for on any given day? You can't please them, so please yourself.