Am I the bad person for telling my family 'no'?

[Nickwinkle]

Hi All... having a moral dilemma here and I feel awful but at the same time all I can think is 'why should I?'

Some background in to what's gone on;
My dad is currently in hospital with Paraneoplastic Cerebral Degeneration as a result of T Cell Lymphoma. He's extremely unwell and is incapable of performing basic human functions, such as speaking, eating, seeing, etc. He's currently having chemotherapy to try and reduce the severity of the cancer, which we've been told is untreatable. He's been this way for over 2 months now and, due to the rarity of the disease, we've no idea how things are going to turn out. Initially I took three weeks sick off work to help my mum at home and make sure I was at the hospital every day to help care for him. Once the three weeks were up, financially I had to return to work but managed to get them to agree to home working so I could continue to support my parents. I'm one of three children, my brother is disabled and my sister is married with two kids. I'm childless through no decision of my own, but I live with my partner and have two house cats (who are very dependent on me). This pretty much leaves only my sister and myself who can help my mum out (small family). I am based in Manchester, my sister in Leeds, my mum in Doncaster and my dad is currently in Sheffield. My sister is constantly using the fact she has two children as an excuse to not help, despite living with her husband who is the father of said kids, and my mum is happy to allow these excuses.

Me and my partner had our first round of fertility treatment this last month and through the 'important' week where we needed to be together, I still made sure I was there for my parents every day and drove from mine, to my mums, to my dad (6hr round trip) every single day. Of course, this led to stress and exhaustion which resulted in a failed fertility attempt. As horrible as it was after TTC for 6 years, I put this to the back of my mind and refuse to grieve over it until my dad is OK (or, y'know). My partner and I have made the decision to put any further treatment on hold until the situation changes. Heartbreaking, but I've put my family first. I told my mum about the failed treatment and her response was 'Okay'. My sister responded 'We didn't think it would work first round anyway'. But whatever.

My dad's business is closer to my sister than my parents house so it's been agreed that during the latter half of the week (Wed-Sat), when she's working there, that she will stay with my sister and I will go and live at my mums to look after her dogs, my brother, the house and my dad. All the while carrying out my own job and putting extra stress on my partner as he's now having to maintain our home and pets on his own. We're happy to do it though as it helps my parents and that's my main priority.

A Sunday is pretty much the only day I have to 'get things sorted' at the moment. Things like needing clean clothes, a shower (because even that's hard to find time for now!), and making sure my partner is OK because this is putting a lot of pressure on us and we want to make sure we're able to support each other too. We'd agreed that Sunday (12/12) would be our day to get our Christmas tree, put our decorations up and go shopping as it's the only day we had before Christmas. I have my Covid booster the weekend after so there's no saying if I'll be well enough and I don't see the point of putting Christmas dec's up on the weekend before Christmas. My mum asked, after we'd made the plans, if I could go to the hospital on the Sunday to look after my dad. Now, here's my moral dilemma. I wanted to say 'of course' and drop everything for my parents but then I remembered everything I've done so far and that I need a break too. I asked why she wasn't going and her reason was because she was going to a pantomime. She'd arranged well in advance to go out with my brother, sister and her kids but hadn't actually bothered asking me and my partner, I assume, because she'd already decided we were cancelling our plans to look after my dad. So... not an emergency. OK, so my mum and sister are as entitled to a break as I am but that shouldn't mean making each other cancel plans last minute, especially considering they'd just had 4 days of break. As I said, Sunday is my only day. I told them no, I can't do it. They've asked countless times before for me to go when they couldn't and I've done it without question.

Just a little context on this situation as it happens quite a lot where I'm expected to drop everything for my family:
August 2021: My sister got married. I had been asked to be her maid of honour, same as she was for mine. I'd started planning her hen do and all those other little bits that were my responsibility. I then got informed that I was no longer invited to my sisters wedding as she'd decided she only wanted her friend there (no parents) and was going down to Bournemouth. OK, fair enough. I was annoyed but it's her choice at the end of the day. I then get invited to go shopping with my mum and my sister for what I thought was an 'all of us' shopping day. How wrong was I. My mum was frantically searching for a dress and when I asked 'Why?' she responded 'for your sister's wedding.' Bam. Kick to the teeth. What a nice way to find out that they'd lied to me. I confronted them about why I was uninvited in that case if parents were now coming and it was 'close family'. The reason is: If you and your brother come then that means that sister's husband-to-be's grandma will want to come and they don't want loads of people there so it's parents only to stop arguments. Hmm... okay. I'll respect that; that's their decision. So instead of going to my sister's wedding I'm asked to leave my family for 3 days to go and look after my brother and parents' house & dogs. Couple of months later and I'm visiting my sister's house and there's her wedding photos on the wall... complete with a group photo of around 30 people including husband's Grandma, friends & their families and some people I've never seen in my life. So to me it seems like they lied to me to get me to drop everything to go and look after their dogs.

OK, back to my point.

Whilst I understand everyone responds differently to stress, it seems as though my sister is starting to play everyone off each other and blaming/guilt tripping everyone else for days when they can't be with my dad. She goes one day a week. She's already made my mum cry but gets handed a green card because she has children. On the Saturday before that dreaded Sunday, I was waiting around at my mum's house for her to get home from work so I could drive her to the hospital to visit my dad. Whilst waiting, I get some pretty horrific texts from my sister saying that my mum's crying and I shouldn't have to be guilt tripped in to going to look after my dad and essentially making out that I don't do anything for them. She then told me that I 'may as well just go home'. Of course I took her up on that, grabbed my shit and walked out that door.

After everything I've done for them, after everything I've given up, because one day out of 2.5 months I've asked for one day for myself I'm suddenly the worst daughter in the world and I haven't done anything for them. Like I'd said, if it was an emergency and their car had broken down then of course I would've dropped everything to go to dad. Not for a bloody pantomime. Not when my dad is lying extremely vulnerable in a hospital bed, undergoing chemotherapy which has completely destroyed his immune system. We were told that even if he has an underlying infection, as soon as he has his chemo then it will kill him. I wouldn't consider a pantomime, a room full of people during a pandemic, would be the best place to go and whether I went on Sunday or not I'm absolutely furious that they would even consider putting my dad's life at risk like that.

Now my family aren't talking to me as I need to 'grow up' and 'put my ego aside' - all of this because I said no. My mum's sticking up for my sister because 'She's stressed because she's working and she has children', but does that mean that because I don't have children my life is less meaningful and I don't have a right to be stressed? I don't know how many of you have been through infertility and fertilty clinics but it's not a nice place to be and it's certainly not stress free.

I'm heartbroken and I want to cut my family off because I can't take any more of the abuse (it's been like this all my life) but am I just going to be seen by everyone else as being the asshole and I don't want to leave my dad during what could be his final days.

Am I an asshole? :(

What @Skeumorph and @WhereYouLeftIt said.
Go see your dad when you can/want.

Don’t enable your mother and sister,they are alright to go on a jolly but guilt trip you at the same time.

What your sister did for her wedding was spiteful and you mother is complicit.

Don’t put your life on hold for anybody.

So sorry about your dad.

Take care of yourself

💐

Yes, they are complete arseholes. You are not - you sound lovely. You have to put your foot down now and say no. Otherwise it carries on for ever - one person has to miss out/ cancel plans, oh let’s get OP to do it.

I do also think that your partner does not also need your support - he needs to be supporting you, asking you what you need, looking after you when you’re at home. Caring for cats and “a house” is nto a big deal.

Also sounds like your sister’s partner doesn’t do his share, but perhaps she prefers it like that if she can just lumber you?

I agree you should just visit your dad when you want, on your own terms. “We shouldn’t have to guilt trip you” is a terrible thing to say, which reveals their true personalities- they shouldn’t BE guilt tripping you, they should respect you “no”.

Sorry I’ve x posted with you about your partner - glad he’s stepping up

Tiday 14:46Nickwinkle

Please do not put your fertility plans on hold for these a**eholes

Please do not stress and ruin you mental and physical health for these disgusting users

They see you as a lesser being, an unpaid servant to look after your disabled brother, their dogs and house

Walk away from this trash

Focus on getting your own baby and not facilitating this trash

I'm surprised the hospital are letting anyone in to see your dad. Mine was in hosptial after a life threatening accident in October (ie before Omicron) and we had to beg and plead for my mum to have just 5 mins with him. No one else allowed in.

You have gone well above what a lot of people would have done and your fathers in hospital being cared for so I am sure the odd day without a visit won’t hurt.

I would detach yourself and just visit when. You can because otherwise. You are going to have a nervous breakdown through stress.

Honestly the gall of your family . Unbelievable.

@potter5

Put yourself first for a change!

This!!!!! Why should you be punished because you don't have kids?! Really pisses me off

The hospital have approved us visiting all day, as and when we please as I can imagine it's taking pressure off them looking after my dad as he really is unable to do anything. He needs to be in intensive care, ideally, where he will have round the clock care but apparently that's not an option.

The fertility situation I think is what's hurting the most as I'm having to watch my sister use her kids for every excuse under the sun whilst I'm being penalised for not having them... I've been trying for 6 years and it's so hurtful being shunned because it's not working for me.

I've been trying so hard to make sure everyone else is OK without even thinking about myself...

You have done enough OP. Your dad will know how much you are doing and I highly doubt he would begrudge ONE day away. Take your day and do not feel guilty. Do not be guilted into this. You have been amazing. You've done enough.

Let your partner look after the house and cats, it's really not some massive job you're lumbering with him. That's why we call them partners! You would do the same for him in a heartbeat and not even think twice about it.

Pull away from communication with your mum and sister as much as humanly possible. Do not even respond to the 'oh but pleeeeeease' or 'oh but whyyyy' comments that they might make. Your 'No.' is enough.

I would distance myself from DM and DSis m, just visiting my dad. But, and it’s a big but, you need to get yourself a thick skin very quickly and accept that it will likely be NC very soon. You’re not the asshat here, your female family is, and I’m sorry but I don’t see this as recoverable. Cherish your poor dad while you have him, and take good care of yourself

Your mother and sister are vile and you should completely disregard their opinion. Inform your mother via text which days you are planning to be in the hospital. Don't engage in conversations and don't help your mum/don't go to her house.

I’m sorry about your dad.

I agree with PPs, you need to only prioritise your dad and yourself. Stop doing 6 hour round trips.

Choose one or two days a week if you can, when you can be with your dad, and stick to those. Then your awful mother and sister can work their plans around that.

I also wouldn’t put fertility treatment on hold for people like them. If it’s a case of not having the emotional headspace for stressful treatment, as well as your dads illness, that’s different. If you literally don’t have time for treatment because your mum and sister are using you so badly, that’s unacceptable.

The wedding story is appalling, and really sets a scene of what they’re like. Look after your dad when you can, and yourself. Let your mum and sister be background noise, and ignore them.

Wow, you have a lot to get off your chest. Go see a therapist - there is soo much going on in your post ; it’s difficult to know where to start. I know it’s corny…. But you can’t pour from an empty cup. You need to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else.

I'd have had nothing more to do with them after that awful insult of the wedding.
Just look after your dad, and let the other two shift for themselves.

You're being treated appallingly, I would cut back everything you do, get back to your own life and visit your father when it suits you. You're doing too much.

Time to put yourself first and just do you. Take time out, reset. Visit your father when you want. And fyi-he is in hospital so let the nurses do their job to look after him.

Weddings aside.

Is your mum working keeping your dads business afloat so living with your sister?

Does you brother needs full time adult care?

You dont sound that close to you sister so do I do get why you were not included on panto plans. If your sister booked before your dad got sick the tickets can easily be £200 plus for a family.

Doesnt sound like a long term plan that is sustainable. I'd be having a discussion with mum about what will happen if your dad needs long term care or passes away. Will she move? What will happen to the business etc

"I meant more as 'I didn't want to leave him looking after everything for a few days as it's not fair to put the stresses on him"

I'm not sure this has clarified anything. What stresses? What 'everything'? Many, many adult males can and do look after what amounts to a building and a couple of cats indefinitely, let alone for a few days. So stop worrying about him. He's fine.

You also don't need to lift a finger for the bunch of ingrates you call family.

Just go and see your dad when you're able. And look after yourself.

You poor thing. They're being awful to you and walking all over you. You really don't need to feel any guilt - what's so sad is that yesterday there were 78k positive tests, the highest yet, and it is highly likely now that they were exposed to covid at the pantomine, and I'd be curious to know how they intend to handle that very likely eventuality.

You need to detach. I feel awful for your Dad, but he would be horrified to know how you're being treated. It's straight out of Cinderella.

Am I an asshole?sad

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you - it's irrelevant - do what you want to do - don't consider everyone else (except see your dad sometimes)

It's ok to put yourself first for a change. I'd do as others have suggested and focus on seeing your dad but not getting involved with the rest of their demands. I'm really sorry the IVF didn't work out this time, I know how painful infertility is

You are not an arsehole. Your sister and your mother are prize, grade A, 24 carat gold, bitches, treating you like this.

@Nickwinkle you sound like an amazing, kind and loving person. But you are being taken advantage of to your detriment. See & take care of your dad, but stop helping your mum & sister. They can manage. They put their priorities first. Time you did the same.
Sorry about your dad

@Hankunamatata

Weddings aside.

Is your mum working keeping your dads business afloat so living with your sister?

Does you brother needs full time adult care?

You dont sound that close to you sister so do I do get why you were not included on panto plans. If your sister booked before your dad got sick the tickets can easily be £200 plus for a family.

Doesnt sound like a long term plan that is sustainable. I'd be having a discussion with mum about what will happen if your dad needs long term care or passes away. Will she move? What will happen to the business etc

@Hankunamatata

Is your mum working keeping your dads business afloat so living with your sister?

• They technically don't need to keep it open. My mum's too bothered about upsetting the guy that they rent the building off and it's technically losing money at the moment with how little she's opening it.

Does you brother needs full time adult care?
-Yes/No. Depends. He has brain damage BUT he isn't as bad as you would expect. He's perfectly capable of looking after himself but you couldn't really leave him longer than one day/night.

You dont sound that close to you sister so do I do get why you were not included on panto plans. If your sister booked before your dad got sick the tickets can easily be £200 plus for a family.

• It was actually my mum that booked the tickets, I think it cost about £100 for all of them but then she was offered a couple of free tickets from this walking group that she takes part in. Of course we would have paid our share of the tickets if she'd have asked us to go as we're both working adults

If he doesn't pass away then he will definitely be needing long term care. I can't see him recovering from this as there's been no research on it so there's technically no treatment - it's all experimental. I've tried to speak to her about what we'll do and she said she doesn't want to think about it. I completely understand that as she's just taking each day as it comes, we all are, but there is going to come a point where it needs discussing like you've rightly said.

My dad's told her to get rid of the business so I do think the only reason she's keeping it going is to please everyone else, forget about the negative effect it's having on her family (well, me lol). I know that I'm going to be expected to pick up the brunt of it as my sister 'has her family' and I'm 'just in a relationship' and that's just completely unfair.

You are not an arsehole. Your family are horrid. You need to take a massive step back and live your own life. Get your ivf sorted, you cannot put that on hold any longer. When you age, your eggs become a lower grade in terms of quality, making them less viable. If you want to visit your father once a week, only go when no-one else is there. Live your life and be happy. You were not born to be a carer and scapegoat for your family.