Am I the bad person for telling my family 'no'?

[Nickwinkle]

Hi All... having a moral dilemma here and I feel awful but at the same time all I can think is 'why should I?'

Some background in to what's gone on;
My dad is currently in hospital with Paraneoplastic Cerebral Degeneration as a result of T Cell Lymphoma. He's extremely unwell and is incapable of performing basic human functions, such as speaking, eating, seeing, etc. He's currently having chemotherapy to try and reduce the severity of the cancer, which we've been told is untreatable. He's been this way for over 2 months now and, due to the rarity of the disease, we've no idea how things are going to turn out. Initially I took three weeks sick off work to help my mum at home and make sure I was at the hospital every day to help care for him. Once the three weeks were up, financially I had to return to work but managed to get them to agree to home working so I could continue to support my parents. I'm one of three children, my brother is disabled and my sister is married with two kids. I'm childless through no decision of my own, but I live with my partner and have two house cats (who are very dependent on me). This pretty much leaves only my sister and myself who can help my mum out (small family). I am based in Manchester, my sister in Leeds, my mum in Doncaster and my dad is currently in Sheffield. My sister is constantly using the fact she has two children as an excuse to not help, despite living with her husband who is the father of said kids, and my mum is happy to allow these excuses.

Me and my partner had our first round of fertility treatment this last month and through the 'important' week where we needed to be together, I still made sure I was there for my parents every day and drove from mine, to my mums, to my dad (6hr round trip) every single day. Of course, this led to stress and exhaustion which resulted in a failed fertility attempt. As horrible as it was after TTC for 6 years, I put this to the back of my mind and refuse to grieve over it until my dad is OK (or, y'know). My partner and I have made the decision to put any further treatment on hold until the situation changes. Heartbreaking, but I've put my family first. I told my mum about the failed treatment and her response was 'Okay'. My sister responded 'We didn't think it would work first round anyway'. But whatever.

My dad's business is closer to my sister than my parents house so it's been agreed that during the latter half of the week (Wed-Sat), when she's working there, that she will stay with my sister and I will go and live at my mums to look after her dogs, my brother, the house and my dad. All the while carrying out my own job and putting extra stress on my partner as he's now having to maintain our home and pets on his own. We're happy to do it though as it helps my parents and that's my main priority.

A Sunday is pretty much the only day I have to 'get things sorted' at the moment. Things like needing clean clothes, a shower (because even that's hard to find time for now!), and making sure my partner is OK because this is putting a lot of pressure on us and we want to make sure we're able to support each other too. We'd agreed that Sunday (12/12) would be our day to get our Christmas tree, put our decorations up and go shopping as it's the only day we had before Christmas. I have my Covid booster the weekend after so there's no saying if I'll be well enough and I don't see the point of putting Christmas dec's up on the weekend before Christmas. My mum asked, after we'd made the plans, if I could go to the hospital on the Sunday to look after my dad. Now, here's my moral dilemma. I wanted to say 'of course' and drop everything for my parents but then I remembered everything I've done so far and that I need a break too. I asked why she wasn't going and her reason was because she was going to a pantomime. She'd arranged well in advance to go out with my brother, sister and her kids but hadn't actually bothered asking me and my partner, I assume, because she'd already decided we were cancelling our plans to look after my dad. So... not an emergency. OK, so my mum and sister are as entitled to a break as I am but that shouldn't mean making each other cancel plans last minute, especially considering they'd just had 4 days of break. As I said, Sunday is my only day. I told them no, I can't do it. They've asked countless times before for me to go when they couldn't and I've done it without question.

Just a little context on this situation as it happens quite a lot where I'm expected to drop everything for my family:
August 2021: My sister got married. I had been asked to be her maid of honour, same as she was for mine. I'd started planning her hen do and all those other little bits that were my responsibility. I then got informed that I was no longer invited to my sisters wedding as she'd decided she only wanted her friend there (no parents) and was going down to Bournemouth. OK, fair enough. I was annoyed but it's her choice at the end of the day. I then get invited to go shopping with my mum and my sister for what I thought was an 'all of us' shopping day. How wrong was I. My mum was frantically searching for a dress and when I asked 'Why?' she responded 'for your sister's wedding.' Bam. Kick to the teeth. What a nice way to find out that they'd lied to me. I confronted them about why I was uninvited in that case if parents were now coming and it was 'close family'. The reason is: If you and your brother come then that means that sister's husband-to-be's grandma will want to come and they don't want loads of people there so it's parents only to stop arguments. Hmm... okay. I'll respect that; that's their decision. So instead of going to my sister's wedding I'm asked to leave my family for 3 days to go and look after my brother and parents' house & dogs. Couple of months later and I'm visiting my sister's house and there's her wedding photos on the wall... complete with a group photo of around 30 people including husband's Grandma, friends & their families and some people I've never seen in my life. So to me it seems like they lied to me to get me to drop everything to go and look after their dogs.

OK, back to my point.

Whilst I understand everyone responds differently to stress, it seems as though my sister is starting to play everyone off each other and blaming/guilt tripping everyone else for days when they can't be with my dad. She goes one day a week. She's already made my mum cry but gets handed a green card because she has children. On the Saturday before that dreaded Sunday, I was waiting around at my mum's house for her to get home from work so I could drive her to the hospital to visit my dad. Whilst waiting, I get some pretty horrific texts from my sister saying that my mum's crying and I shouldn't have to be guilt tripped in to going to look after my dad and essentially making out that I don't do anything for them. She then told me that I 'may as well just go home'. Of course I took her up on that, grabbed my shit and walked out that door.

After everything I've done for them, after everything I've given up, because one day out of 2.5 months I've asked for one day for myself I'm suddenly the worst daughter in the world and I haven't done anything for them. Like I'd said, if it was an emergency and their car had broken down then of course I would've dropped everything to go to dad. Not for a bloody pantomime. Not when my dad is lying extremely vulnerable in a hospital bed, undergoing chemotherapy which has completely destroyed his immune system. We were told that even if he has an underlying infection, as soon as he has his chemo then it will kill him. I wouldn't consider a pantomime, a room full of people during a pandemic, would be the best place to go and whether I went on Sunday or not I'm absolutely furious that they would even consider putting my dad's life at risk like that.

Now my family aren't talking to me as I need to 'grow up' and 'put my ego aside' - all of this because I said no. My mum's sticking up for my sister because 'She's stressed because she's working and she has children', but does that mean that because I don't have children my life is less meaningful and I don't have a right to be stressed? I don't know how many of you have been through infertility and fertilty clinics but it's not a nice place to be and it's certainly not stress free.

I'm heartbroken and I want to cut my family off because I can't take any more of the abuse (it's been like this all my life) but am I just going to be seen by everyone else as being the asshole and I don't want to leave my dad during what could be his final days.

Am I an asshole? :(

I’m so sad to hear you’re going through such a difficult time. Look after yourself. You deserve a break too. Your family is very lucky to have you

@SuperSange ive read it and I don't understand why someone has to go in and look after him everyday , I can understand wanting someone with him daily but not that it is required by hospital , what if they become ill and can't go in
Many hospitals now have a one visitor only policy at present as well etc

Why are you required to go to the hospital to care for your dad? Don't they have any nurses?

Remember what they accuse you of is how they really are - so if they accuse you of being uncaring they're really referring to themselves.

Absolutely time to put your own needs at the top of your to do list. Please make sure you get your day to sort your Christmas things.

You deserve to be loved and wanted even if you didn't do anything for your family. Going NC would likely be the best outcome to allow you to take care of yourself - any contact with them will push you into the 'scapegoat' role. It's really difficult to unlearn all the ways they manipulated you to be to fulfill their needs.

You sound the very opposite of a bad person.

Look after yourself; you and DP both need a break.

From now on, just focus on being with your dad.

You sound really burnt out and at the end of your tether and I really honestly feel you need to take a step back from visiting the hospital all day every day. It is admirable that you want to be there for your dad as much as you can, sounds like you are very close. I understand it is frustrating when things don't happen when you want and I do appreciate that standards are not high in every ward and there are staffing and care gaps.

I see it often in palliative situations and try to support family being present as much as possible but people need to rest and work and get a shower and be a dark room and not think about all the scary stuff going on. It is exhausting sitting with someone who cannot converse with you. This normally happens over the last few days of someone's lives and the family all say that they were glad they could have been there but they were emotionally and physically exhausted. For you this has been going on for months not days. I can't even imagine how you have managed to cope with this, never mind being in the midst of fertility treatment, never kind holding down a job, never mind dealing with family drama.

Whilst I would love nothing more in the world than to be with your dad and provide the level of care that you are giving I have x amount of other patients that have equally as complex needs. As registered nurses we would assess your dads skin on a daily basis and plan care around that. Due to the fact that he is incontinent I would be checking his skin every 4 hours. Obviously if he had soiled in-between I would change but I do believe that patients need rest and if you have absolutely no use of your limbs there is some evidence that repositioning more than 4 hourly can be quite traumatising (we really have no idea how much awareness people have when they are in a semi conscious state...I believe a lot more than some people think) and also can cause a lot of pain. There should be a 'meal coordinator' assigned each shift who is in charge of ensuring that people who need assistance with fluid and diet get it. You could ask for a food chart so you can see what he has been offered rather than taking the responsibility yourself?

Obviously I cannot see your dads notes but it does not sound like he is in any way appropriate for an ICU bed, they are nurses trained specifically in critical care keeping people alive through very invasive means such as ventilation, dialysis, ECMO and pressors. Most ratios are 1 nurse to 1 patient due to how immediately critical these patients are. These beds are very much in short supply due to the number of people on them with covid and any bed thats taken up by an innaproriate admission means a transplant or life saving cancer op that doesn't go ahead. Your dad requires full assistance and is of course vulnerable but that is not the point of ICU.

Is there an MDT meeting for your dad soon to see how the treatment is going and what the plan for him is? Perhaps once you have more of an idea of the plan of care and how long the active treatment will continue for that would give you more of an idea of how long you can hold off fertility treatment. I'm so sorry you are going through all this and its crap your mum and sis aren't feeling the same pressure you are but I honestly don't feel like you can go on like that for much longer.

I think that you need to visit your dad when you are able to. You are not responsible for looking after your parents' pets and your brother nor are you responsible for your sister. You do what you can and that's it.

I think you should start the fertility treatment again and tell your mum that due to the stress you won't be able to provide care so she will need to close the business.

You're being treated more like your dad's wife than his daughter and your mum needs to step in.

These people sound awful, I think your instinct to go is NC is correct.

Focus on your dad. And makes sure you have time off every week. Your partner should be perfectly fine managing the house and the cats for a while - this is what adults do for each other. As for your sister, you will not be able to make her step up, you can only be realistic about what you can do. And if there is come back, tell your sister that she is not the only person who has things to do in life, and she needs to step up. And that you are not interested in hearing her take on things when she is so reluctant to do her fair share.

Quote from OnwardsAndSideways1 "You can't keep up this level of driving and visiting and looking after indefinitely."

Absolutely this.
A daily 6 hour round trip is ridiculous.

I understand doing everything you possibly could in the initial crisis but what if this situation goes on for months.
You can't be getting much work done - you could lose your job.
Your fertility treatment/ job and homelife is important.

If you become pregnant you will have to take better care of yourself than this so I suggest you imagine that you are already pregnant and decide what help you could offer then and base your help around that e.g. going over on a weekend. On occasion you could get a cheap hotel on a Saturday night so that you could visit your dad Sat afternoon and Sunday morning.

These 6 hour round trips must be costing you a bomb and not leaving a lot of time for the actual visit. Perhaps you could have a carer visit your dad for one on one care for a couple of hours to replace a visit sometimes. Perhaps if you paid for one visit a week (maybe £50 for a few hours) your mum could pay for a visit and your sister one and that would be 3 days covered.

Just say no to all the helping your mum/brother/sister/dogs..... They will have to make other arrangements. If your mum can't look after her dogs she will have to pay for their care or rehome them. You live in another county and are not a sustainable solution.

You stepped up in a crisis but now you need to build a sustainable lifestyle.

they sound awful everyone needs a break

did your sis ever explain why you wernt invited to her wedding

I'm visiting my sister's house and there's her wedding photos on the wall... complete with a group photo of around 30 people including husband's Grandma, friends & their families and some people I've never seen in my life. So to me it seems like they lied to me to get me to drop everything to go and look after their dogs.

Wow! After that I'd have walked away.

You are making a whole lot of future regrets if you carry on this way. One day you'll look back and wonder why you didn't put your family (you and DH) first. It will be too late then.

Fuck them off, you and DH shouldn't have to plan your life and your future around these selfish fuckers.

@Disabrie22

I wouldn’t stop fertility treatment for anyone - you need to put this first in your life.

This!⬆️ They sound toxic - cut them out & don't feel at all bad about it. You're most definitely NOT an asshole!! X

@EnidFrighten

I don't fully understand all of this, but I'd just get on with trying for a baby, get some counselling, see your dad when it suits you. Your mum and sister sound like a bunch of bitchy banshees.

And this! ⬆️

You are amazing, they are shits.

Thanks, everyone

OP,

The purpose of your existence is not to serve your mother and sister to fulfil their wants (because there’s no needs there).You are not less important than them. You don’t matter less because you don't have kids (yet).

Emotionally mature people can take “no” as an answer and work their way around it without sulking/throwing their toys out of a pram.Let them sulk,looks like THEY have some growing up to do.

Your mother and sister clearly demonstrated that neither you,your brother nor your dad is their priority.

Any relationship that doesn’t bring anything positive into your life is not worth saving whether it’s somebody related or not.

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas and successful treatment with positive outcome💐

Such a heartbreaking situation.

Do what you can for your dad on your own terms, not your mums of sisters.
Your husband sounds like he’s got your back, and you are going to need him more than ever in the weeks and months to come.
He is your family, the family you chose, not the toxic family you were allocated at birth!

DM and sis are sulking because suddenly things aren’t going their way, and their fall guy has gone….. all well and good. Don’t answer any of their messages or calls, just ignore them.

You will get through this. All the very best to you

Out of interest…

Your father also hid the fact that 30 guests attended the wedding whilst you looked after the dogs thinking that just parents going?

Yep. Out of respect for my dad I've avoided 'badmouthing' him but he's just as guilty about the wedding situation as the rest of them. He never actually said a word to me about her wedding and I guess that made it easier for him.

My dad isn't a bad bloke (although it doesn't seem it). He's so under my mum's thumb and beaten down by her that he goes along with everything she does and daren't speak up as she'll make his life hell. I've questioned him before on why he's still with her and I think it's just because they've been together 30+ years that he doesn't know where to go or what to do. Not that it gives him an excuse for joining in on it all.

I remember my wedding. I had to arrange it around all of them. Couldn't do a Saturday as their business was open so I had to have it on a Sunday meaning the night was pretty much over by 8/9pm as people had work the next day. Yep, they closed it for 3 days for my sister's wedding as I know that's what's on everyone's mind.

The day I was supposed to get my dress, my mum started a huge argument which meant me walking out and I didn't get my dress. I had to go over to them, btw. They didn't come to me.

My hen do consisted of my sister's and mum's friends and was held at my sister's house. On a Sunday. So I had to drive there and back which meant no drinking and because it was so far away none of my friends could go. Sister and mum got drunk with their friends whilst I sat quietly in a corner.

They pretty much run the show and no one dare say or do anything that they don't agree with. My dad included but he has to live with it so he feels he has to go along with it.

OP, your family don’t respect you.
With regard to the hospital situation, it probably started out crap care, but now the nurses now you are there all day every day and wanting to do his care, then them walking in and handing you the medication and food and walking out is normal as they’ll see you as wanting to do it not them. If you all stopped for a week care would resume. Also you said he needs to be in intensive care. Intensive care is only about the level of medical intervention for people needing to be ventilated and full blood circulation support etc, not the level of nursing care, yes they do have one nurse to a patient but it doesn’t sound like your dad needs intensive care for medical treatment.

How much does 6 hours of petrol cost you and your time? I would stop visiting and pay an agency nurse to visit once a day for an hour to save you money and time!

Please stop going and restart your fertility treatment. The wedding stuff is unforgivable and how any family expect your to drive 6 hours a day for someone in hospital is crazy.

oh OP. I am so sorry for you. There is so much going on here. But right now, today, you need to pull back and put yourself first. Truly you do. Think about what you want to do and can manage and do only that. Your sister and mother are horrible people who treat you disgracefully. Not any more. No dramas right now but down the line cut these nasty people loose. You are doing your best for your dad. They won't ever say that, the opposite probably, so just look after you now.

There a saying “ who cares for the carers?” It’s essential you look after yourself and don’t burn out.
Doing a 6 hr round trip over and over, even without the emotional involvement, is stressful enough.
I think you have to cut it to a couple of visits a week and take care of yourself, for your physical and mental health.

YABU to say your treatment failed because of stress and exhaustion. You can’t know this, and chances of success are absolutely tiny (mine was 15%).

YANBU to say no.

I do feel a sense of resentment because you don’t have children and your sister does. I understand this (I had IVF), but your sister will be busy and stressed with children. It’s really hard, even with a husband.

OP, just read back what you have written. Now imagine a good friend telling you that, what would your advice be?

By all means, continue to do what you can for your dad, but not at the expense of your own health and well-being. I am not as nice as you, I would find it hard to forgive that he had a part in the wedding thing. I would have cut the lot of them off then.

Stop the caretaking of family and dogs and whatnot, and start looking after yourself, first and foremost.