Anyone else financially support their in-laws?

Olinguita · 2021-12-14T11:11:55+00:00

And if so, how do you manage? Any positive stories??

MatildaTheCat · 14/12/2021 11:13

I financially support my own mother by giving her a sum of money each month. My brother gives her more. It’s fine because we can afford to do so.

Original poster

Olinguita · 14/12/2021 11:17

Sorry, I think I enabled voting by accident, please ignore YABU/YANBU

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LittleOwl153 · 14/12/2021 11:17

Not a situation I have experience of, but you manage surely by only doing what you can afford to do? You should not be struggling yourselves to financially support others... Whats the situation? Is it just you supporting them or are their other siblings involved?

IncompleteSenten · 14/12/2021 11:21

Yes. My husband's family. We give as much as we can. They need help. I would rather split what I have than keep it, knowing that people I love couldn't meet their basic needs.
It means things are tight. There have been times when we've had nothing to give. They don't feel entitled to our help which makes a difference.

RoastedParnsip · 14/12/2021 11:22

Yes, and I don't recommend it. No reason why they can't support themselves other than selfishness.

Shavingrash · 14/12/2021 11:24

No way would I give money to anyone outside my immediate family unless it was a life or death emergency.

Original poster

Olinguita · 14/12/2021 11:25

No siblings, MIL from a country with no pension, has no assets, DH was not entirely honest about the situation at the time of marriage. I will do everything I can to help because she can't meet her basic needs alone. But we will have to do some serious belt-tightening and it places a lot of pressure on where we can afford to live, means I have to work more and in a type of job I wouldn't necessarily have chosen in order to be able to provide rather than say, being part time to spend time with kid...

OP posts:

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 14/12/2021 11:26

Not so much as in regular funding however we pay mil phone bill and top up her An online book account because fil is a controlling prick and tells her what to spend.

We also regularly give her food stuff etc and due money if she comes to ours (without fil he's not welcome) or he says she can't come because she's using fuel.

We pay for her hair every 6 weeks as he also stopped her doing that.

They've always been very private about finances however it recently came out from mil that when he sold their family home he owed over half the money out so went into rented and have used pretty much all of what was left to live on.

Now they're really scraping the barrel so to speak

No funeral plans in place as fil refused

He's quite a bit older than mil so assuming he goes first we will be financially supporting her as there wont be anything left for her to live on.

What a wanker

Lolalime · 14/12/2021 11:34

Yes, DH parents are from a country where they don’t get a state pension. Fortunately he is one of 4 siblings so they share the burden.
It does mean tightening our finances a bit and is why I don’t donate to charity organisations as we have our own in house one!!

VikingOnTheFridge · 14/12/2021 11:36

@Olinguita

No siblings, MIL from a country with no pension, has no assets, DH was not entirely honest about the situation at the time of marriage. I will do everything I can to help because she can't meet her basic needs alone. But we will have to do some serious belt-tightening and it places a lot of pressure on where we can afford to live, means I have to work more and in a type of job I wouldn't necessarily have chosen in order to be able to provide rather than say, being part time to spend time with kid...

I don't object to the principle of it but fucking hell, the dishonesty would make me question the relationship.

Totalwasteofpaper · 14/12/2021 11:50

@Olinguita

No siblings, MIL from a country with no pension, has no assets, DH was not entirely honest about the situation at the time of marriage. I will do everything I can to help because she can't meet her basic needs alone. But we will have to do some serious belt-tightening and it places a lot of pressure on where we can afford to live, means I have to work more and in a type of job I wouldn't necessarily have chosen in order to be able to provide rather than say, being part time to spend time with kid...

Hmmm wouldn't be happy about the dishonesty. At all. It fundamentally changes the life you can lead he knew this and kept it from you.

Secondly how old is your MIL?
if she is under 70 I'd expect her to be meeting you halfway and working at least part time.
My own mother worked full time until she was 68 (she retired last year)

Even if she's 70 you are staring down the barrell of 10-20 years and once she needs medical care expect the monthly ££££ to go up...

Personally I think you are a Saint. I get fucked off w/ my MIL's expectation for extravagant gifts and that we pay for all social outings and that "only" costs us about 1-2k per year

MichelleScarn · 14/12/2021 11:57

@Olinguita

No siblings, MIL from a country with no pension, has no assets, DH was not entirely honest about the situation at the time of marriage. I will do everything I can to help because she can't meet her basic needs alone. But we will have to do some serious belt-tightening and it places a lot of pressure on where we can afford to live, means I have to work more and in a type of job I wouldn't necessarily have chosen in order to be able to provide rather than say, being part time to spend time with kid...

Is dh and his job and other choices as impacted? What would have happened if he wasn't married to you?

Bubblecap · 14/12/2021 12:03

That kind of lie would have killed off my feelings. It’s stuff like this that makes cross cultural marriages hard if they haven’t been discussed properly. How many years of of marriage and any kids yet?

Sceptre86 · 14/12/2021 12:06

My dad did, my mum never resented it but they had to tighten their belts as a result. My mil is a widow, she lives with bil so he takes care of housing, bills and meals, dh gives her an allowance so she can but what she needs and wants and buys her a summer and winter wardrobe each year.

Sceptre86 · 14/12/2021 12:08

I come from a culture where this is the norm so font have any issues with it. Mil doesn't work so needs the help. We keep our finances separate and dh can afford to help his mother and so he should.

Squeezita · 14/12/2021 12:08

Your DH needs to tighten his belt more than you.

So if any luxuries have to be sacrificed, it’s first his ones that should get the cull.

Porcupineintherough · 14/12/2021 12:12

Did he lie OP, or just not fully explain? If you come from a culture where children support their parents it can be quite easy to take that as normal. I have never explained to my dh that I expected us to support our children through university, I assumed he'd take it as read.

again2020 · 14/12/2021 12:12

Yes, my MIL. My partner has given her his car as he didn't really need it, she has that for (nearly free), he pays phone bill too and occassionally other bills. Whenever we go out he always pays, if he's not there I often pick up the bill for her.
Not trying to be nasty but she sort of expects it as her 'payoff'(for want of a better word for raising 4 kids as a single parent when money was very tight. What annoys me is that we are the ones who pay the most, her other children and their partners do not as much as the earn more than us.
To be honest it was quite an eye-opener for me as my parents are comfortably off and I rarely pay for them, but do sometimes as a treat.
Sorry to hear of your situation, it can't be good being forced to work more to pay for your MIL

gogohm · 14/12/2021 12:17

Not me but this is normal in many cultures so anyone considering marrying someone from a culture/country where children support parents really should discuss the implications. It's simply normal for them and they cannot see it as sacrifice

gogohm · 14/12/2021 12:18

Ditto I would say living with them. It's only a shock if you haven't talked about it like @Olinguita

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 14/12/2021 12:19

I wouldn't give my ils the steam off my mash....

Original poster

Olinguita · 14/12/2021 12:21

I did my best to talk about it....

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CityMumma78 · 14/12/2021 12:22

There is no way I’d financially support “family” outside of my DH and DC. I am waiting for my in-laws to ask for money at some point because they just spend spend spend with no financial planning or thought for tomorrow!!!

VikingOnTheFridge · 14/12/2021 12:42

@Olinguita

I did my best to talk about it....

What did DH say when you did?

NoShitHemlock · 14/12/2021 13:08

My DM and I live in the same house (choice rather than need) with my DD, and I pay for 95% of the running costs. I would never expect my siblings to help out financially. DM has said many times she has never been so well off (scrimped and saved as we were growing up), but tbh it is a pleasure to live with her (mostly!)

However I don't think I would be happy about an expectation to financially support in-laws. Obviously I would never see any family in need, but I couldn't be responsible for paying regularly for them.