Anyone else financially support their in-laws?

[Olinguita]

And if so, how do you manage?
Any positive stories??

@CurtainTroubles *unless she has kids there. I think DH's sisters would stay in Israel in all honesty. Israel has more to offer them than Manchester and they dislike london.

For British Jews, there are 3 options- Israel, London or Manchester.

@CurtainTroubles I don't think thats a good idea, as she has 1 daughter who doesn't work (and lives with her). She is possibly neurodivergent as well (diagnosed by mumsnet). I am banking on the fact that even if there are care home fees, the equity in the house would be enough to support SIL for life esp if none of the other 3 siblings take anything. Supporting MIL is much cheaper as she has her own house; state pension would probably pay for food and a few bills, maybe we just top up on council tax and bills. But SIL would be far more expensive to support without inherited housing equity. MIL's house is in a bad state, and the EPC is probably E (victorian terrace), but it is a house in London with garden so in 30-40 years when MIL has passed on, it would still be worth a pretty penny even if the new owners have to refurbish everything (enough for SIL hopefully to live the rest of her days) so in some ways, its better to 'hold'. Thats just my thinking, i have no idea what MIL thinks. I think she probably hopes to scrimp and save and survive on state pension, and for inheritance to go primarily to the child that needs it the most.

We financially support one parent in an ad hoc way, by substituting her rental costs (regular commitment), and pay for meals, expenses if she is out with us. While I want her to be happy I do resent it to an extent, we are careful with our budget and having to factor in another adult’s costs is frustrating at times.

@CurtainTroubles Actually yes, a lot of people become dependant on the generosity of their children when they're old. For any people over 75 right now, the vast majority of them are dependent on their families and there are a lot of horrible stories on what happens if you have none. You are assuming these are stable countries with healthy economies. You assume people have assets that are worth something. That's not what it's like to live in essentially a third world country. My grandparents saved and worked hard but the inflation over the past 20 years means that the sum of money that could be a deposit for a house can barely pay for a month of living expenses now. They are in their late 80s, how do you suggest they start working? If you have cancer, the hospital will turn you away and let you die if you don't have the money for surgery. This is Europe BTW.

Yes, my parents have saved and have worked very very hard. And they should be ok. But there are no trustworthy private pension providers, so everything has to go in savings accounts which have had negative interest for years now. They can take care of themselves just fine while they're working but the worry is what happens when they can't work anymore. I will step in. This is very common for people who are not from western countries, it's just reality.

Mine is because my parents are unfortunately shit with money. They had periods of being relatively comfortable - and they helped me when I was younger and brassic. So now it's my turn to help them and I don't have an issue with that.

Haven’t your parents made provision for their own retirement if there are no pensions in their country? Surely not everyone becomes dependant on the generosity of their children in old age?
If you have spent your life in hand to mouth poverty provision for retirement takes a very back seat.

@Olinguita

No siblings, MIL from a country with no pension, has no assets, DH was not entirely honest about the situation at the time of marriage. I will do everything I can to help because she can't meet her basic needs alone. But we will have to do some serious belt-tightening and it places a lot of pressure on where we can afford to live, means I have to work more and in a type of job I wouldn't necessarily have chosen in order to be able to provide rather than say, being part time to spend time with kid...

Quite a few people support their parents in countries like Venezuela where inflation erased the elderly pensions. Assets are worth nothing anymore because the country is run by socialists turned dictators for like 23 years now. However, the money is no so much as to have to worry about it. Unless you earn very little earnings but my advise is look into it so you know exactly what is needed and you are not being taken advantage of.

Providing financial support for parents or siblings is the norm in most cultures; we in Britain are probably something of an anomaly because we have a welfare state and a state pension.

The dishonesty is something else. Did your husband think you wouldn’t marry him if you knew the truth?

I can imagine that we will need to support my in-laws somewhat. They are in their mid-60s already, with FIL still working a very demanding manual job, as they have never put anything aside for a pension. Well, they assumed their house would be their pension, but given they have an interest-only mortgage on their large home and won't have much £ left after selling and buying somewhere smaller, it's not looking great. It makes me wonder how many others in the UK are in this kind of position.

@Olinguita

No siblings, MIL from a country with no pension, has no assets, DH was not entirely honest about the situation at the time of marriage. I will do everything I can to help because she can't meet her basic needs alone. But we will have to do some serious belt-tightening and it places a lot of pressure on where we can afford to live, means I have to work more and in a type of job I wouldn't necessarily have chosen in order to be able to provide rather than say, being part time to spend time with kid...

And that sounds like grounds for divorce. I'm not kidding. I would be fucking out the door.

The lies and manipulation involved would make me end this relationship.

It's not your problem it's up to your DH. If he won't say no to them, I'd walk away as it's not what you committed to when you married.

I have an agreement with my partner on the finances he puts in. If he put less in or I asked for more (based on either of us supporting wider family) our agreement would no longer stand and we'd need to discuss to adapt or separate.

Your DH is just ignoring his problem!

I would be divorcing him. Your whole life is fucked because of his dishonesty and lies.

Perhaps try the ultimatum first, that your family doesn't lose out for his parents as your family cannot afford to support them?

The lies would have me leaving, b/c one, that's not what I signed up for, and two, I'd wonder what ELSE he's lying about. This is a MASSIVE thing!

For myself, my MIL got oddly pushy about how much my income was at one point. I flat out refused to tell her and said it was none of her business.

She admitted that she wanted to decide how much we could afford to give her a month. Say what now? The woman had zero clue what our expenses were, nothing. She thought that she was entitled to a percentage of our income b/c my DH owed her for adopting him, and since we'd refused to move her in with us, cash was the LEAST we could do.

That was a big fat Nopeasaurus.

As things turned out, not only was MIL never in need of money, she was donating/tithing to her church monthly, about 30% of her income! Her church was bold enough to ask my DH if we'd be continuing after she passed!

@Olinguita

No siblings, MIL from a country with no pension, has no assets, DH was not entirely honest about the situation at the time of marriage. I will do everything I can to help because she can't meet her basic needs alone. But we will have to do some serious belt-tightening and it places a lot of pressure on where we can afford to live, means I have to work more and in a type of job I wouldn't necessarily have chosen in order to be able to provide rather than say, being part time to spend time with kid...

This is too much. It’s one thing to give what you can afford, but you cannot give what you don’t have - I presume this means you won’t be putting away pensions and savings?? Plus, you should not be working a job/hours you don’t want to/not parenting the way you want to, to support a MIL.

Work out what you can really afford, based on working the hours and job you want, and putting money into pensions/savings and tell your husband what it is.

If he can’t accept that, I would reconsider your future with him. Why be married to a man who’s prepared to work you to the bone snd deprive his child.

Your husband’s lack of honesty also makes me question the whole thing - do you know exactly what she’s doing with the money?

Yes. We are in this position. MIL from a different country where this is expected. We send what we can but it never seems to be enough. It makes DP really depressed. He gets calls and texts constantly through the month from MIL but also other family members and even unknowns telling him how awful he is for not sending enough.
Reality is we've been financially struggling and only recently since lockdown have been able to get back to a level of normality. It's draining and feels never ending but there is no way out of it as she has nothing else.

@ChubbyMorticia

The lies would have me leaving, b/c one, that's not what I signed up for, and two, I'd wonder what ELSE he's lying about. This is a MASSIVE thing!

For myself, my MIL got oddly pushy about how much my income was at one point. I flat out refused to tell her and said it was none of her business.

She admitted that she wanted to decide how much we could afford to give her a month. Say what now? The woman had zero clue what our expenses were, nothing. She thought that she was entitled to a percentage of our income b/c my DH owed her for adopting him, and since we'd refused to move her in with us, cash was the LEAST we could do.

That was a big fat Nopeasaurus.

As things turned out, not only was MIL never in need of money, she was donating/tithing to her church monthly, about 30% of her income! Her church was bold enough to ask my DH if we'd be continuing after she passed!

Wow!

The brazenness!!!

Not support as such as they don't need that, but we do treat them, because we can afford to. I help my mum a bit, she would be ok without but I pay for a cleaner for her as she finds it hard work now because of arthritis, my brother also does himself or pays for any work that needs doing at her home, she could afford those things, but he would rather she spent her money enjoying herself and he can comfortably afford it.

My DF and two of his siblings emigrated, put themselves through higher education etc, then ended up paying towards their mother, 2 siblings plus their mother’s sister, who all lived together. When DF or his siblings went back to the “old country” other relatives would turn up at the house for a their “handout”. There is a story that my Uncle had saved up to buy a nice jacket. Some sponging relative turned up at the house, pointed to the jacket saying “I want that” and was given it by Granny. Uncle comes back to find and jacket gone.

The only thing I ever remember my parents rowing about were his family’s expectations for money/gifts.

Not quite the same, but a dd has a French friend (living in the U.K.) who is officially expected to pay €250 a month towards her DF’s care costs. I’d never realised that this was a thing in France.
I gather that she resents it bitterly, because her own outgoings (mortgage etc.) are high, and her DF was always a feckless waster.

Your situation would make me re-think the whole relationship. Your DH wasn't open with you before you married and now you're stuck trying to support someone else? I think that is outrageous. Does she have property she could sell to provide for herself? Why can't she work part time? How did she plan to support herself in retirement?

Your dh basically lied to you in order to use your money to support his family. I can't see how you would be ok with this at all.

Wow this is quite a big cultural difference isn't it?

All the UK born people I know of UK baby boomers are supported by their parents, eg uni, weddings, house deposit, car, even holidays etc rather than the other way round.

I suppose because in the UK we're the first generation to be worse off than our parents and this hasn't hit yet globally.