Anyone else financially support their in-laws?

[Olinguita]

And if so, how do you manage?
Any positive stories??

Yes. Like yours another country. No one can 'find work' apparently. Dh is one of 9. 3 are sisters and married. All the others brothers. Only one othere here who doesn't help. It has crippled us. His mum and dad passed last year and we have had to say no to the family. It has financially ruined us more than thought as it would become high and higher and higher. My dh has had to cut his family off as we can't do it any more and they are very nasty when you don't send it.

So it depends on his family and how they react if you haven't got it one month for example.

Yes. In laws are in South Africa, they have modest pensions and some small savings, but often need help with their medical bills. They could also do with a home help now so I expect we will be funding that soon.

It also took a toll on our marriage as I was 'the foreign white lady, stopping him sending money' when we didn't have it. And the best daughter in law when we had it. Depends on your finances and the family dynamic and expectations

DH allowed his DM to utilise part of his business and make money from this, really stuck in my throat as I could have been doing this and adding to the family income for the extras in life, but apparently she was here first.
It has caused me to feel really resentful as I work full time and she was loaded.

My parents but ad hoc. Topping up the freezer with food, helping with the fuel bills, money towards petrol etc.

Yes, can search and see my thread on it.

It's died down now for a bit but will come up again I'm sure. PIL also living overseas and have made no retirement provision and piss any money they do have up the wall. It grates on me hugely as MIL has only worked for maybe 5-10 years her whole life and they don't like accepting "charity" but have made countless choices that are incompatible with being self supported. The main argument is that I didn't expect to be working full time and providing for people that won't. Thankfully DH now gets it a bit more and has limited to what he can afford to spare. I am not prepared to forego our luxuries to give them away (obviously we provide them with basics such as shelter and food but that's not enough apparently, despite them going on more trips/holidays this year than I have)

We reached an agreement which was acceptable to me but which is now probably not going to be workable in the cold light of day. Don't want to go into details as it's too outing.

My dh gives money to his brother when he asks, as he is long term sick and health care is not free in his country. I suppose it affects us in some ways (means my husband didn’t have savings and struggles to save). We have mostly used my savings for big projects, whereas his salary is what pays most bills. My dh is very good at not making money a big thing. He’ll say, let’s wait til next month for that… He has also made it clear that if we get to the point where it becomes money we can’t afford, he would reduce or say no. I’m glad he gives the money. It demonstrates to me that he is a good man, who takes care of his obligations and helps those in need. I’m happy we are able to help those we love and can live modestly.

My husband does, I knew from the start of our relationship. He didn’t grew up in the UK. As family we don’t go with out and he makes sure he’s parents are looked after because he can afford it.

We pay 2 of my MILs utility bills. Plus we'll will pay for house repairs when they come up.
She is terrible with money and when she retired her income dropped a lot. She has a history of borrowing from money lenders which we would have to repay and we didn't want that to start happening.
The funny thing is that she will spend hundreds of euro on Christmas presents for my kids, DH and me. As well as on her other children and grandchildren.
If she cut back on Christmas she could easily afford to pay her bills.

@Totalwasteofpaper, it can be impossible for older people to find work in some cultures. There's also still the situation of your body being aged by disease, TB, hepatitis, multiple malaria episodes, chest infections etc. IME in countries like Nigeria there is such a distrust of hospitals and a more natural outlook on life, they don't want keeping alive when major health issues hit.

I know people from across Africa and all send money home. Even those on benefits would send around £40 a month home, which would go a long way. It is a matter of life and death for their parents.

Not trying to be nasty but she sort of expects it as her 'payoff'(for want of a better word for raising 4 kids as a single parent when money was very tight.
Same with my mother. She gets by on a small pension, but holidays, meals out, a cleaner and other luxuries are paid for by the four of us. She had her hard times and now it is time for us to treat her well and pay back. We don't resent it.

Well your dh needs to step up. And you need to back away.

Yes - DH who is Chinese supported his mother, a responsibility he shared with 6 other siblings.

He made it clear to me at the time we got married in 1988 that he would be giving her money every month for the rest of her life (she died in 2010). I loved my MIL very much, as did he, and there were never any difficulties over this, but he said one of the reasons he raised it with me before we were married was because he didn't want it to cause problems between us (I think he had observed marriages in his culture where there had been quarrels over supporting elderly parents)

Yes, my husband's family who are allegedly well off but my husband still sends 200 pound a month. Stopped recently as l am finishing my maternity leave and my 39 weeks are up.

I have contributing through my maternity to household expenses and before that took responsibility for all tge bills, rent for 2yrs while my husband paid off a debt his parents took out on his behalf. And during this time he was still sending them money but l asked for nothing.

I hate myself for being so fucking understanding. 😔

My husband comes from a culture where the male children fund their parents lives once they're earning, so they're essentially their parents retirement plans. My husband opted out of this since his parents are wealthy. He's now been ostracised by them and disinherited from their will.

DH was not entirely honest about the situation at the time of marriage.

I would find this very hard to forgive. I'd also be very clear that the majority of sacrifices should be made by him.

If you don't have children @Olinguita I would leave. That sort of deception would ruin the trust and respect I had for my husband. What else has he hidden?

Yes we support PIL . (Wouldn't everyone if it were needed ? )
Bought their house from them, over market value, and let the stay living in it. This way we know they are safe. Yes it's been hard but worth it even though at times I'd have preferred an annual family holiday abroad. But hey Ho. That's life. Hope my kids look after me if I need it.

The issue here is the dishonesty.
I support my mum, she lives in a third world country, she never worked till my dad died so she only did menial jobs since then that’s not enough to live on. Luckily, she has my dad’s house (so no mortgage or rent). Myself and my 3 brothers send her an amount we can afford monthly and the exchange rate is very good so it’s not a lot of money that can affect my family life in a way and we save another small amount of money monthly just in case she needs expensive medical care, etc in future, that way, it won’t be a burden then.

Dh knew this before we were married because I’d been supporting her ever since, infact things are better now that my brothers can also help since they’ve got better jobs l, etc.
The main issue you have is the dishonesty. That will surely lead to resentment. Also, there’s nothing worse than being the only pillar of support.

Out of interest @CheddarGorgeous, what would you say if the OP was living round the corner from her elderly parents and was helping them with her time - cooking, cleaning, errands etc. Would you say she then had to compensate her husband for the time she could have been devoting to her main family unit?

Your DH's dishonesty is the problem and I would probably be thinking very hard about the future.

You say you can't give details which does limit how people can help. But in terms of an arrangement - like hell would I work in a job I didn't want to, or give up time with my young child. Me, and my child, would be more of a priority than MIL. Tough.

The trouble is of course that because he lied until you were married, you are forced to fund because if he sends money he earns directly, you are forced to plug the gap.

Stop plugging the gap if it does not suit you and let him solve the problem. Drop the rope.

It's amazing how these kind of people, who are keen to drag others in to pay for their choices or debts, change their tune once their golden geese say no more.

Refuse to pick up that slack and I am pretty sure he'd rather not lose his own home than pay for MIL.

Where is she, can she work, are there other family members?

No & I wouldn’t because I know she’s fallen out with numerous people over money. I’d be very angry if my DH had kept his intention to financially support his parents through old age a secret prior to getting married; unless he’s Bill Gates it means big sacrifice for your family & kids and even your own retirement. Xo

@Porcupineintherough

Out of interest *@CheddarGorgeous, what would you say if the OP* was living round the corner from her elderly parents and was helping them with her time - cooking, cleaning, errands etc. Would you say she then had to compensate her husband for the time she could have been devoting to her main family unit?

It's not the resource, it's the dishonesty. If OP was already spending hours a week supporting elderly parents and didn't tell her partner before they got married he's be equally entitled to be unhappy.

I would find that a tough pill to swallow