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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anyone else financially support their in-laws?

111 replies

Olinguita · 14/12/2021 11:11

And if so, how do you manage?
Any positive stories??

OP posts:
Contactmap · 15/12/2021 08:28

all the UK born people I know of UK baby boomers are supported by their parents, eg uni, weddings, house deposit, car, even holidays etc rather than the other way round.
I know almost nobody like that.

Olinguita · 15/12/2021 08:30

A few more details ( sorry to breadcrumb)
I always expected to support MIL financially but not to the extent it looks like we will have to. She is mid 60s, educated, fluent in English and has never really worked (in the sense that it brought in any meaningful income). His parents have a "sufficient unto the day " mentality and it's not clear to me what their plan was for their old age other than just winging it or being totally dependent on their only child. She is also a lot more helpless than I thought she would be at this stage - no major health problems but she doesn't really have a social life of her own or any interests as she was very caught up in taking care of FIL in her later years. She is with us on an extended visit right now and rarely goes out or does anything under her own steam.
DH and I have a baby. I feel that I've acquired another dependent at the same time as becoming a mum. I want to do the right thing but I feel really overwhelmed

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 15/12/2021 08:34

Can't tag a PP but there was a comment about how OP shouldn't have to work to the bone to provide nor not be able to parent the way she wants (presumably referring to her wish to go part time) because of this.

For me, there is no suggestion OP is having to work to the bone. It just sounds like she is working full time in a job she would prefer not to do. It also isn't clear if her husband wouldve been happy with her working part time - I'm not saying husbands get to dictate but I am anti the presumption that it's a mother's right to be the one who goes part time, or for any parent to go part time, just because they choose - it should be a joint agreement. So any resentment based on not being able to do this is only relevant really if absent the payments OP and her husband wouldve both been content for her to be part time.

What is a huge issue for me though is the lack of any consultation from OPs husband about paying for his parents. This really is something that in my view should be discussed and agreed as it comes out of the family pot. In this case, it isnt just husband's contribution to the pot being reduced as a result but actually OP is having to contribute in effect as they do not have enough money otherwise. I would still have an issue with the lack of discussion regardless of income but if OPs husband was a high earner and could make contributions without it really impacting the family, it would plainly make a difference. His immediate family should come first and then if it is affordable his parents should come next if agreed between him and OP. If not agreed, he can choose to go elsewhere and contribute by himself but of course would also need to then contribute to OP.

Personally, I have wonderful parents who have supported me hugely. Therefore I couldn't see them destitute without helping them however I could. I know my husband agrees because we have discussed it even though it isnt yet a likelihood. They've done a lot for him too. Any contribution would, though, have to be affordable and I wouldnt be paying for them to live a lifestyle above our own like some people seem to be doing. I have a child and need to also think about her and her future, as well as retirement planning for myself so that she doesnt have to worry about me. So it is a balance and for me depends on what parents really need and also what is affordable. There is also another relevant consideration for me - the relationship with those parents. If my parents had treated me like crap growing up, squandered their money and made no effort to sort themselves out when they could I would be much much less inclined to help them. But they have helped us with childcare saving us so much money, helped us with IVF and are also huge emotional supports. They more than deserve to be helped in old age and if they dont need the money, I would still do what I could to help with their care even if they needed to live with us to prevent them going into a care home too soon.

Newmumatlast · 15/12/2021 08:38

@Olinguita

A few more details ( sorry to breadcrumb) I always expected to support MIL financially but not to the extent it looks like we will have to. She is mid 60s, educated, fluent in English and has never really worked (in the sense that it brought in any meaningful income). His parents have a "sufficient unto the day " mentality and it's not clear to me what their plan was for their old age other than just winging it or being totally dependent on their only child. She is also a lot more helpless than I thought she would be at this stage - no major health problems but she doesn't really have a social life of her own or any interests as she was very caught up in taking care of FIL in her later years. She is with us on an extended visit right now and rarely goes out or does anything under her own steam. DH and I have a baby. I feel that I've acquired another dependent at the same time as becoming a mum. I want to do the right thing but I feel really overwhelmed
This update does make a difference actually. So you knew you'd be supporting her - presumably then your husband did discuss this with you? In terms of you not realising it would be to this extent, what was actually said? You can't predict exactly what someone would need in old age. The lack of their own plan would irritate me but her being more helpless than you appreciated seems to be because she was looking after FIL based on your comments which surely isnt her fault and deserves compassion. If she hadn't done that no doubt your husband wouldve felt obligated to help there too. It isnt clear to me what the difference is between what you seem to have agreed with your husband and what is now happening which, if unexpected, surely he also didnt know about to discuss with you prior to now?
onlychildhamster · 15/12/2021 08:55

@felulageller my cousin in Singapore bought her parents a condo. Her mum worked as a petrol station attendant and her dad is an invalid. If you look at people like Marcus rashford, he is supporting his mum.

The Chinese middle class is growing while the middle class in uk and USA is shrinking. If you compare life in China in the 1950s Vs now, it's no surprise that those who were born in the 1950s have fewer chances to build up a pension versus those born in the 1990s

Porcupineintherough · 15/12/2021 09:10

Oh I think it's perfectly possible to realise that you've undertaken more than you meant to when supporting elderly parents, whether that's financially , emotionally or physically.

OP all you can do is talk again to your dh about what you can, as a family, reasonably be expected to give. It is also worth checking that your MiL is claiming any support she us entitled to in her home country and is making practical economic decisions about housing etc so you are not trying to keep not only her but a huge, rambling house (fi). It would also be worth encouraging her to become more independent socially but that may not be possible at such a distance. The other thing that might be considered is you providing part of the money she needs to live on, and her topping this up with very part time work - at least this would get her out and about a bit and give her back some independence. Would that be a possibility?

Beurre · 15/12/2021 09:19

Yep, another one here. DP gives his mum a monthly allowance. This MIL has an excellent pension, investments and tonns in savings but expects this contribution because it's expected in their culture. We also have to pay for one holiday a year ( about £1k), designer stuff for her birthdays, mother's day, expensive dinners etc. I resent her massively because she's much better off than us, mortgage paid off etc but DP has to fork out so much for her just to keep her quiet. She makes him feel guilty because we're not allowing her to move in with us. She also asks DP to give money to his adult siblings and even suggested he pays for nephew's uni fees. Have no choice in the matter as it's his own money ( our finances are separate) but would certainly leave if this woman was to ever live with us.

billy1966 · 15/12/2021 09:23

Well you have absolutely been caught by a dishonest man.

So he married you.
You now have a baby.
And the truth finally emerges that the next 20/30 years finances could be dictated by supporting HIS mother.

Well what a liar you married.

What a mug they must see YOU to be.

How can you look at your husband.

The duplicity and dishonesty.

He deliberately allowed you to have a baby so you would feel caught.

Have you any family?
Have you support?

Because I would think long and hard about working, making sacrifices for a man that was so deliberately dishonest.

He married you dishonestly, deliberately.
Make no mistake about that.

Flowers
billy1966 · 15/12/2021 09:24

@Beurre, I hope you haven't any plans for any children.

fournonblondes · 15/12/2021 09:50

@Beurre

Yep, another one here. DP gives his mum a monthly allowance. This MIL has an excellent pension, investments and tonns in savings but expects this contribution because it's expected in their culture. We also have to pay for one holiday a year ( about £1k), designer stuff for her birthdays, mother's day, expensive dinners etc. I resent her massively because she's much better off than us, mortgage paid off etc but DP has to fork out so much for her just to keep her quiet. She makes him feel guilty because we're not allowing her to move in with us. She also asks DP to give money to his adult siblings and even suggested he pays for nephew's uni fees. Have no choice in the matter as it's his own money ( our finances are separate) but would certainly leave if this woman was to ever live with us.
Omg! What a witch you MIL is.
Ameanstreakamilewide · 15/12/2021 10:32

@Chely

My inlaws are crap with money, no way would we help them out financially on a regular basis. We're comfortable but not in a position to fund others who should have planned their own finances.
Yep, same.

My husband and his 3 siblings have helped their parent immeasurably over the past few years; as the extent of their debts became apparent.

Credit card after credit card and a bank loan on top of that.
I adore my in-laws, don't get me wrong, but I'm not funding their extravagant lifestyle.
Especially when it's not something I could afford myself.

For example, my FIL booked a cruise for their wedding anniversary - which is a lovely gift, no doubt about it.
But then my husband saw the credit card bill and saw how much it cost!

I have lots of issues with his parents attitude to money and I have told him that his parents have to learn how to budget better and start shopping at Aldi instead of Waitrose, for example.

I could go on and on!

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