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Original poster

To be fuming my ex called me 'fat and lazy' to our daughter?

115 replies

peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 16:57

We share an 8 year old daughter, have been split for around 6/7 years. Get on fairly well but we have our moments, ie his lateness, lack of communication, and at times he disagrees with the way I raise her - he doesn't think I provide her a good enough diet (she's a really fussy, difficult eater).

Anyways, all that aside, she had been at his house for the weekend, today I picked her up from school and she told me that this morning she was arguing with her dad. She really has a thing about being on time and they were going to be late if they walked so she asked if they could take the car. He said no so she said well my mum does and he said back 'yeah that's because your mum is fat and lazy'. She said she felt really upset about this and that he did apologise after.

But I am really upset, I suppose it is factually correct - I am fat and yes, lazy at times (not in a way that impacts my life or my daughters - I still work, I still do activities with her but yes I don't exercise like him and do enjoy chilling on the couch more than I should).

In saying that I just think it was totally inappropriate to say to her, and doesn't teach her much in the way of kindness. I am aware I am overweight - as is my daughter - but I'm also mentally in the best place that I ever have been and I am trying to teach my daughter that your weight and looks don't define you. Of course you should strive to be healthy but life doesn't always go like that.

I feel like he is completely undermining everything I'm trying to instil in her and when confronted, he gave a half arsed apology, 'I'm sorry BUT....' But it was taken out of context. But I was only joking. But I apologised to daughter.

When I pointed out to him that my weight and body was of no concern of his he claimed that it was if it's having a negative impact on my health which in turn will effect our child. For reference I am 14 stone at 5 foot 3.

I have always said that I will lose the weight eventually and get healthier, that is my goal but am I being unreasonable to say that in the meantime, it has absolutely fuck all to do with him?

OP posts:
Levithian · 13/12/2021 16:59

He's a bastard.

OneRuleForThem · 13/12/2021 17:00

Are you sure your daughter is telling the absolute truth? It sounds a bit far fetched to me.

tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 17:01

YANBU, I can see why he is an ex.

Well done for telling him it's no concern of his, but I suspect he was looking for a reaction and got one.

Does he make any effort with her fussy eating or is that on you?

Original poster
peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 17:01

@OneRuleForThem

Are you sure your daughter is telling the absolute truth? It sounds a bit far fetched to me.
100 percent. He admitted it.
OP posts:
Original poster
peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 17:01

@tallduckandhandsome

YANBU, I can see why he is an ex.

Well done for telling him it's no concern of his, but I suspect he was looking for a reaction and got one.

Does he make any effort with her fussy eating or is that on you?

It's on me basically as I'm the full time parent. She goes to his every second weekend.
OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 17:01

@OneRuleForThem

Are you sure your daughter is telling the absolute truth? It sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Did you even bother to read the OP?
TurnUpTurnip · 13/12/2021 17:02

@OneRuleForThem

Are you sure your daughter is telling the absolute truth? It sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I thought the same
tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 17:02

It's on me basically as I'm the full time parent. She goes to his every second weekend.

Then his opinion is of zero relevance.

DdraigGoch · 13/12/2021 17:03

@OneRuleForThem

Are you sure your daughter is telling the absolute truth? It sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Does it? Is seems quite plausible to me.
LethargicActress · 13/12/2021 17:08

You say he apologised, so let it go.

Obviously he shouldn’t have said it, but you knew he was a bit of a twat because you split up with him. He’s targeted the thing about yourself that you already feel bad about so it’s bound to hurt.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 13/12/2021 17:10

It's a rude thing to say, even if there's a grain of truth in it. It's none of his business and he's modelling appalling manners to your daughter.

Any comments about weight should come from a place of kindness and concern - this didn't and was clearly just spiteful.

I'm sure you'll lose it when it's the right time for you to focus on it.

sillysmiles · 13/12/2021 17:10

Talk to your ex about being on time with her as if he wasn't late they wouldn't have had a row.

Talk to her about what he said is not ok when it is meant in a mean way but that other peoples opinions are essentially irrelevant, and that you are happy and healthy.

As you are happy in your own space right now - look into intuitive eating - its about how to not focus on diet culture and how to retrain your thinking - but I think it would suit your mental space.

Then rejoice he is an ex.

Downton57 · 13/12/2021 17:14

It was a mean, horrible thing to say. Rise above and just be glad he's your ex. However, do take a note of date time and words used, and if he starts to do this regularly get a solicitor to write a letter to him telling him to desist. Insulting his daughter's mum is unacceptable.

sillysmiles · 13/12/2021 17:20

I'm sure you'll lose it when it's the right time for you to focus on it.

But if she is happy - then why does she need to "focus on it.

"Only about five per cent of people who try to lose weight ultimately succeed, according to the research" From this link But I've seen this number before.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 13/12/2021 17:21

@sillysmiles

I'm sure you'll lose it when it's the right time for you to focus on it.

But if she is happy - then why does she need to "focus on it.

"Only about five per cent of people who try to lose weight ultimately succeed, according to the research" From this link But I've seen this number before.

Because she says in her OP:

I have always said that I will lose the weight eventually and get healthier, that is my goal

girlmom21 · 13/12/2021 17:23

If you were that bad a parent he'd do more parenting wouldn't he? Prick.

LuciaLuciaLucia · 13/12/2021 17:24

Talk to him about having his DD more often? So you have more time for self care (exercise) and he can improve his time keeping skills with a 8 yo girl?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/12/2021 17:26

@OneRuleForThem

Are you sure your daughter is telling the absolute truth? It sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Far fetched yet able to be made up by an 8yo about her own mum?
GrazingSheep · 13/12/2021 17:27

Is your dd aware that she is overweight too? Is there any possibility that she thinks he was getting at her?

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 13/12/2021 17:28

I’d be really interested to know exactly what he feeds her on his every other weekend…

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/12/2021 17:29

at times he disagrees with the way I raise her - he doesn't think I provide her a good enough diet

When he has to think about this more than 52 days in a year (he really only sees her every other weekend?!) then he can pass judgement.

LondonWolf · 13/12/2021 17:30

@OneRuleForThem

Are you sure your daughter is telling the absolute truth? It sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Why would you think it’s “far fetched”? Have you only ever come across kind, well meaning people in your life? Lucky you.

My ex H told me I had a huge fat arse that he was worried I would pass onto my daughter - along with my lazy, idle work ethic. Fwiw I was around ten stone and 5’5 and ran three times a week. Only that heavy as menopausal.

CecilyP · 13/12/2021 17:34

Talk to your ex about being on time with her as if he wasn't late they wouldn't have had a row.

Just that. He was deflecting because he was in the wrong by making her late.

WonderfulYou · 13/12/2021 17:41

If you were that bad a parent he'd do more parenting wouldn't he? Prick.

This!!!
Nothing pisses me off more than a parent moaning about how crap the other parent is - yet only does the bare minimum themselves.

It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, it’s a disgusting thing to say to a child about their parent.

Original poster
peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 17:46

@GrazingSheep

Is your dd aware that she is overweight too? Is there any possibility that she thinks he was getting at her?
My daughter is not overweight in the slightest. She's a very active, 'normal' sized 8 year old girl.
OP posts: