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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming my ex called me 'fat and lazy' to our daughter?

115 replies

peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 16:57

We share an 8 year old daughter, have been split for around 6/7 years. Get on fairly well but we have our moments, ie his lateness, lack of communication, and at times he disagrees with the way I raise her - he doesn't think I provide her a good enough diet (she's a really fussy, difficult eater).

Anyways, all that aside, she had been at his house for the weekend, today I picked her up from school and she told me that this morning she was arguing with her dad. She really has a thing about being on time and they were going to be late if they walked so she asked if they could take the car. He said no so she said well my mum does and he said back 'yeah that's because your mum is fat and lazy'. She said she felt really upset about this and that he did apologise after.

But I am really upset, I suppose it is factually correct - I am fat and yes, lazy at times (not in a way that impacts my life or my daughters - I still work, I still do activities with her but yes I don't exercise like him and do enjoy chilling on the couch more than I should).

In saying that I just think it was totally inappropriate to say to her, and doesn't teach her much in the way of kindness. I am aware I am overweight - as is my daughter - but I'm also mentally in the best place that I ever have been and I am trying to teach my daughter that your weight and looks don't define you. Of course you should strive to be healthy but life doesn't always go like that.

I feel like he is completely undermining everything I'm trying to instil in her and when confronted, he gave a half arsed apology, 'I'm sorry BUT....' But it was taken out of context. But I was only joking. But I apologised to daughter.

When I pointed out to him that my weight and body was of no concern of his he claimed that it was if it's having a negative impact on my health which in turn will effect our child. For reference I am 14 stone at 5 foot 3.

I have always said that I will lose the weight eventually and get healthier, that is my goal but am I being unreasonable to say that in the meantime, it has absolutely fuck all to do with him?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 13/12/2021 19:40

@Newduvet

Didn't mean to quote you again there *@mbosnz*
LOL, no worries mate! Grin
tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 19:41

@Newduvet

Well no he doesn't take the child enough, that's a fact. He has her 4 days a MONTH. If he wanted her for longer and is so worried about his daughter's diet he could ask OP for overnights in the week or he could apply for 50/50 access

@tallduckandhandsome How do you know he hasn't? That wasn't an ASSUMPTION there was it???

If he has her 2 weekends then there is NO REASON the courts would deny him 50/50.

But yes, since y'all love making assumptions, I thought I'd join you Smile

Newduvet · 13/12/2021 19:42

@mbosnz

However, he's not the one trying to get to work,5 days a week, while ensuring that daughter is fed, washed, hair washed, everything done, and I suggest that he is perhaps a little ignorant of just what a juggle that is. He does have a right to worry about his child's exercise and diet, and he can address that on his time. He absolutely does not have a right to snipe about his child's mother's diet and exercise, and to put that on the shoulders of the child's mother, because he fucked the timing up.
I agree with this and you put this very well.

I did mean to quote you this time :)

tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 19:42

@Newduvet

We do not know why he does not live with her half the time unless OP tells us but at the end of the day surely he has a right to be concerned.*

In what world is 4 days a month half the time'? Are you on glue?

he was showing her there was another way of getting to school which was healthier than taking the car every single day.

Well then he can walk his daughter to school every day can't he?

AnAverageMum · 13/12/2021 19:44

Fucking hell this thread has been a REALLY depressing read. If it was a mum only seeing her kid every other weekend she’d be torn apart but a dad can still be a great, concerned father apparently. Hmm

Super easy to be the perfect role model when you only have to do it once every 2 weeks ffs. He was an utter wanker.

Newduvet · 13/12/2021 19:49

[quote tallduckandhandsome]@Newduvet

We do not know why he does not live with her half the time unless OP tells us but at the end of the day surely he has a right to be concerned.*

In what world is 4 days a month half the time'? Are you on glue?

he was showing her there was another way of getting to school which was healthier than taking the car every single day.

Well then he can walk his daughter to school every day can't he?[/quote]
Again @tallduckandhandsome we are making assumptions.... we have no idea of the what, where and why's of custody and until we do..... maybe we should wind our necks in.

Emmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I never said 4 days a month was half the time....Please read my post again....your neck must have been out too far and you missed where I said We do not know why he does NOT live with her half the time unless OP tells us

tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 19:57

@Newduvet

Again @tallduckandhandsome we are making assumptions.... we have no idea of the what, where and why's of custody and until we do..... maybe we should wind our necks in.

Yes you would rather wind your neck in and bury your head in the sand rather than ask OP why he only has her 4 days a month!

Emmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I never said 4 days a month was half the time....Please read my post again....your neck must have been out too far and you missed where I said We do not know why he does NOT live with her half the time unless OP tells us

Are you real? Asking why he doesn't live with her half the time implies he has her half the month - and he doesn't, he has her 4 days per month.

This is basic math @Newduvet.

EmpressCixi · 13/12/2021 20:01

@AnAverageMum
It’s not just quantity of time, but quality of time that denotes a good co parent. I think it’s depressing that you ate assuming the parent with the most time is automatically the superior of the two? It’s obvious that the father wanting the daughter to walk to school is in the right in terms of the child’s best interests and health. Doesn’t matter that he’s only got limited time with her, he’s still looking out for her. OP would do well to not dismiss him entirely.

EmpressCixi · 13/12/2021 20:01

@AnAverageMum
It’s not just quantity of time, but quality of time that denotes a good co parent. I think it’s depressing that you ate assuming the parent with the most time is automatically the superior of the two? It’s obvious that the father wanting the daughter to walk to school is in the right in terms of the child’s best interests and health. Doesn’t matter that he’s only got limited time with her, he’s still looking out for her. OP would do well to not dismiss him entirely.

Lilymossflower · 13/12/2021 20:02

His words are unhealthy and that's what's having a negative impact on your daughter. Bloody bastard he is.

Lilymossflower · 13/12/2021 20:02

His words are unhealthy and that's what's having a negative impact on your daughter. Bloody bastard he is.

crackofdoom · 13/12/2021 20:02

Well perhaps if you weren't confined to the house 12 evenings out of 14 because you're parenting his child, then you'd be able to get out and exercise as much as he does, eh?

(this is also my situation)

Angry
tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 20:03

[quote EmpressCixi]@AnAverageMum
It’s not just quantity of time, but quality of time that denotes a good co parent. I think it’s depressing that you ate assuming the parent with the most time is automatically the superior of the two? It’s obvious that the father wanting the daughter to walk to school is in the right in terms of the child’s best interests and health. Doesn’t matter that he’s only got limited time with her, he’s still looking out for her. OP would do well to not dismiss him entirely.[/quote]
What a load of gaslighting crap.

Newduvet · 13/12/2021 20:07

[quote tallduckandhandsome]**@Newduvet

Again @tallduckandhandsome we are making assumptions.... we have no idea of the what, where and why's of custody and until we do..... maybe we should wind our necks in.

Yes you would rather wind your neck in and bury your head in the sand rather than ask OP why he only has her 4 days a month!

Emmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I never said 4 days a month was half the time....Please read my post again....your neck must have been out too far and you missed where I said We do not know why he does NOT live with her half the time unless OP tells us

Are you real? Asking why he doesn't live with her half the time implies he has her half the month - and he doesn't, he has her 4 days per month.

This is basic math @Newduvet.[/quote]
@tallduckandhandsome

Yes you would rather wind your neck in and bury your head in the sand rather than ask OP why he only has her 4 days a month

Why don't you ask her why he doesn't??

Are you real? Asking why he doesn't live with her half the time implies he has her half the month - and he doesn't, he has her 4 days per month

How on earth does it imply he has her half the month??? That doesn't even make sense.

You on glue?

Newduvet · 13/12/2021 20:10

@tallduckandhandsome, due to the long neck and the excessive glue sniffing I will put it in layman's terms for you.

We do not know why he does not have his daughter for 2 weeks of the month which would be half the time her mother has her....

There ya go.

Original poster
peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 20:23

I'll clear up any debate - we used to share 50/50 arrangement - 3.5 at my house, 3.5 at his house. It really didn't suit our daughter and eventually he started becoming unreliable. She would be waiting for hours for him to pick her up as he was consistently late, like 5 hours some days. He was also sending her to nursery/school like she'd been dragged through a hedge backwards. It was becoming the norm that I had to be on standby the days he was to collect her from nursery/school because he'd be too late. He was always having his mum look after her aswell so he could go out and do his hobbies. He always put himself first, that was the problem throughout our relationship and has continued on since then. It's his way or the highway and always has been that way.

This inconsistency and worry about whether her dad would show up was causing our daughter real anxiety. I went to a lawyer, and he wrote to my ex with my suggestion of I have her during the week and he has her every second weekend. He replied saying he wanted her every weekend. My lawyer replied saying no that was unfair as I still wanted weekends so we agreed on that she goes to his every second weekend. He's never grumbled about it since, but guess what? He is still frequently late, granted not as much as he used to be though.

OP posts:
AnAverageMum · 13/12/2021 20:25

@EmpressCixi - bullshit. He literally goes 13 days in a row without seeing his daughter then sees her for one day, then goes another 13 days without seeing her.

However amazing he thinks he might be in that 24-48 hours matters not. Even if he had her 50% of the time he would have absolutely 0 right to make those shitty comments about her mum but having the audacity to make them when his doing the absolute bare minimum is insulting & the fact people are sticking up for him here is making me nauseous.

tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 20:27

Thanks for clarifying, OP.

It's incredible but depressingly predictable that he was a shit dad himself and taking a bedraggled dd to school and consistently late to pick up but still feels justified in telling you to walk her to school.

What a prize twat. Next time tell him 'at least I pick up her up and drop her off on time'.

Better yet limit all contact to emails, that will take wind out of his sails.

Original poster
peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 20:28

@tallduckandhandsome

Thanks for clarifying, OP.

It's incredible but depressingly predictable that he was a shit dad himself and taking a bedraggled dd to school and consistently late to pick up but still feels justified in telling you to walk her to school.

What a prize twat. Next time tell him 'at least I pick up her up and drop her off on time'.

Better yet limit all contact to emails, that will take wind out of his sails.

You are completely right, that's exactly what I'm going to do!
OP posts:
AnAverageMum · 13/12/2021 20:28

@peanutbuttersmellytime
Ah see, what an excellent caring & committed father! Hmm who’d of thought the 2 weekends a month father would be selfish?! shock

Piglet89 · 13/12/2021 20:29

He’s late, he is unreliable and he is selfish and that’ll be a huge part of the reason why the op split with him.

It was his fault they were running late; he’s the adult and he needs to plan for hair washing and drying and whatever else. He failed to do that, the daughter didn’t want to be late so quite reasonably asked if they could drive and he tried to deflect and distract from HIS fuck up and poor parenting by having a low swipe at the OP.

I don’t care if the OP is 30 stone and 4 foot 10 - that’s the summary of what happened here and it’s the shitty behaviour of a man who can never really accept he’s in the wrong.

Completely unacceptable.

Newduvet · 13/12/2021 20:44

Good to get that cleared up OP, so many assumptions flying around. He is willing to take her much more than he does but is pretty shit when he does have her so you needed to step in and reduce contact..... I understand the stance you have taken then.

Like I said, he was horrifically wrong for what he did and it is unforgivable. Any concerns about diet or exercise should be discussed with you and in private like I am sure you have done with your own issues in how he is taking care of her when you are not there but I do think he has a right to be concerned about her health.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/12/2021 21:02

@EmpressCixi

It’s rude fat shaming, but he wasn’t factually wrong. You’re 14 stone at 5 ft 3, which is worse than overweight, it’s well into obese with a bum of 34.7.

And it is effecting your daughters life because you are driving her to school when it is walking distance away, your ex is actually trying to get your daughter into a healthy habit of walking to school.

He’s also right you are also effecting your daughter by shortening your life span, obesity causes more cancers than smoking. And you’ve admitted it’s due to a lifestyle choice of yours, not a medical reason or disability.

The truth can be upsetting to you and your daughter, especially when phrased bluntly as “fat and lazy”....it is fat shaming and it’s not likely to get you to change anything. But look past his rudeness, and be honest with yourself. You can make little healthy changes including walking to school instead of driving.

It's rude Cunt Shaming, but it's not factually wrong where you're concerned.
NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/12/2021 21:03

@EmpressCixi

It’s rude fat shaming, but he wasn’t factually wrong. You’re 14 stone at 5 ft 3, which is worse than overweight, it’s well into obese with a bum of 34.7.

And it is effecting your daughters life because you are driving her to school when it is walking distance away, your ex is actually trying to get your daughter into a healthy habit of walking to school.

He’s also right you are also effecting your daughter by shortening your life span, obesity causes more cancers than smoking. And you’ve admitted it’s due to a lifestyle choice of yours, not a medical reason or disability.

The truth can be upsetting to you and your daughter, especially when phrased bluntly as “fat and lazy”....it is fat shaming and it’s not likely to get you to change anything. But look past his rudeness, and be honest with yourself. You can make little healthy changes including walking to school instead of driving.

It's rude Cunt Shaming, but it's not factually wrong where you're concerned.
CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 13/12/2021 21:30

Last time my ex pulled this shit with out DC (who were early teens at the time)
They told him that if I was so lazy why was I the one who parented them 99% of the time, including when I was sick (he'd cancel his 1 day per week contact for a cold), and worked full time including night shifts?
He didn't have an answer to that.

And I wouldn't usually allow them to be rude to him, but it was justified imo.