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Original poster

To be fuming my ex called me 'fat and lazy' to our daughter?

115 replies

peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 16:57

We share an 8 year old daughter, have been split for around 6/7 years. Get on fairly well but we have our moments, ie his lateness, lack of communication, and at times he disagrees with the way I raise her - he doesn't think I provide her a good enough diet (she's a really fussy, difficult eater).

Anyways, all that aside, she had been at his house for the weekend, today I picked her up from school and she told me that this morning she was arguing with her dad. She really has a thing about being on time and they were going to be late if they walked so she asked if they could take the car. He said no so she said well my mum does and he said back 'yeah that's because your mum is fat and lazy'. She said she felt really upset about this and that he did apologise after.

But I am really upset, I suppose it is factually correct - I am fat and yes, lazy at times (not in a way that impacts my life or my daughters - I still work, I still do activities with her but yes I don't exercise like him and do enjoy chilling on the couch more than I should).

In saying that I just think it was totally inappropriate to say to her, and doesn't teach her much in the way of kindness. I am aware I am overweight - as is my daughter - but I'm also mentally in the best place that I ever have been and I am trying to teach my daughter that your weight and looks don't define you. Of course you should strive to be healthy but life doesn't always go like that.

I feel like he is completely undermining everything I'm trying to instil in her and when confronted, he gave a half arsed apology, 'I'm sorry BUT....' But it was taken out of context. But I was only joking. But I apologised to daughter.

When I pointed out to him that my weight and body was of no concern of his he claimed that it was if it's having a negative impact on my health which in turn will effect our child. For reference I am 14 stone at 5 foot 3.

I have always said that I will lose the weight eventually and get healthier, that is my goal but am I being unreasonable to say that in the meantime, it has absolutely fuck all to do with him?

OP posts:
Ohdofuckoffcovid · 13/12/2021 18:56

Hes vile. Of course its non of his business. Was he abusive when you were togethet?

Newduvet · 13/12/2021 18:57

@EmpressCixi

It’s rude fat shaming, but he wasn’t factually wrong. You’re 14 stone at 5 ft 3, which is worse than overweight, it’s well into obese with a bum of 34.7.

And it is effecting your daughters life because you are driving her to school when it is walking distance away, your ex is actually trying to get your daughter into a healthy habit of walking to school.

He’s also right you are also effecting your daughter by shortening your life span, obesity causes more cancers than smoking. And you’ve admitted it’s due to a lifestyle choice of yours, not a medical reason or disability.

The truth can be upsetting to you and your daughter, especially when phrased bluntly as “fat and lazy”....it is fat shaming and it’s not likely to get you to change anything. But look past his rudeness, and be honest with yourself. You can make little healthy changes including walking to school instead of driving.

This.

His delivery was rude, obnoxious and cruel but it is the truth which you have verified. Perhaps he is concerned about what you daughter is eating when she is in your care and the lack of exercise.

Maybe he feeds her completely differently when she is with him and she eats it and he is frustrated with the diet you provide. At the end of the day he sounds like a father who really cares about his child's health but is derogatory name calling of her mother is completely unacceptable.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/12/2021 18:58

It was badly worded and very inappropriate to say to her but I can see where he’s coming from - he’s not wanting your daughter to think using car for short distance to school is normal.
But he’s not doing anything to help her be more active is he. Easy to walk to school one day a fortnight.
If he’s genuinely concerned then he could walk her every day or 50% of time. If he parented more you’d have more time to exercise if you wanted. It’s easy to criticise.

Animood · 13/12/2021 18:58

"Lazy"

You're the one bringing up his child. How could you be lazy? Fucking cheek of him.

Ohdofuckoffcovid · 13/12/2021 19:00

@EmpressCixi

It’s rude fat shaming, but he wasn’t factually wrong. You’re 14 stone at 5 ft 3, which is worse than overweight, it’s well into obese with a bum of 34.7.

And it is effecting your daughters life because you are driving her to school when it is walking distance away, your ex is actually trying to get your daughter into a healthy habit of walking to school.

He’s also right you are also effecting your daughter by shortening your life span, obesity causes more cancers than smoking. And you’ve admitted it’s due to a lifestyle choice of yours, not a medical reason or disability.

The truth can be upsetting to you and your daughter, especially when phrased bluntly as “fat and lazy”....it is fat shaming and it’s not likely to get you to change anything. But look past his rudeness, and be honest with yourself. You can make little healthy changes including walking to school instead of driving.

Biscuit helpful not
WonderfulYou · 13/12/2021 19:06

Maybe he feeds her completely differently when she is with him and she eats it and he is frustrated with the diet you provide. At the end of the day he sounds like a father who really cares about his child's health but is derogatory name calling of her mother is completely unacceptable.

If he’s so concerned about his daughters health he could always have her more often than 2 weekends a month.

CalamariGames · 13/12/2021 19:06

The best way to take power from this kind of emotional bully is to not care about what they say and not give it a minutes headspace. Just blank out whatever he says, give him a cheery smile and get on with your day safe in the knowledge that you are free from that arsehole.

Newduvet · 13/12/2021 19:08

@WonderfulYou

Maybe he feeds her completely differently when she is with him and she eats it and he is frustrated with the diet you provide. At the end of the day he sounds like a father who really cares about his child's health but is derogatory name calling of her mother is completely unacceptable.

If he’s so concerned about his daughters health he could always have her more often than 2 weekends a month.

Maybe her Mum doesn't want her gone more than that? Who knows? We are not privy to the details but he does sound like he cares.
mbosnz · 13/12/2021 19:10

This wasn't out of concern for his daughter. This was defensive snark, putting the blame and the shade for his poor judgment on his ex-wife. It is not healthy for a child to hear one parent criticise another, especially when they're parted. And a good parent, truly concerned about their child's best interests, will bite their tongue sheer off, before they do that.

Her weight is none of his business. He has ample time to exercise. She does not. She's doing 6/7's of the parenting, and working full time, juggling in a way that his poor male ego would struggle to comprehend.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 13/12/2021 19:13

He’s an ex for a reason.

tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 19:13

@Iwonder08

What do you want to hear? Obviosly he shouldn't make any negative comments about you to your daughter. However there is no dancing around it.. You are obese and not active. Your daughter according to you has unhealthy eating habits and it might be because of you. Everyone saying that dad should work on it.. It is impossible to do if a parent who is a primary caregiver is not on board and not enforcing it at home. He apologised, there is nothing else to be done.
But OP is the one working on it!! DD's diet is all on her.

Honestly some of you should have handmaiden tattooed on your forehead.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/12/2021 19:13

It’s clear he meant lazy in sense of not walking to school. But he still shouldn’t have said it.
I’m sure OP doesn’t say to daughter reason why we can’t walk is your dad pays hardly any maintenance so I have to work long hours and he can’t be bothered walking you 9 days out of 10. It’s great to have ideals when you aren’t the one doing it.

Downton57 · 13/12/2021 19:14

I can't believe some of the replies on this thread! It might be truthful that her ex is a rude prick with lousy time keeping skills but that wouldn't be an okay thing for the Op to say to her daughter would it? It's the fact that he said it to the child that is utterly unacceptable.

tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 19:14

@Newduvet

Maybe her Mum doesn't want her gone more than that? Who knows? We are not privy to the details but he does sound like he cares.

Anything to blame the woman, eh? Maybe you can, y'know, ASK OP instead of making baseless assumptions?

LimeTreeGrove · 13/12/2021 19:22

Anything to blame the woman, eh?
Unbelievable isn't it. Some people earlier were desperate not to believe a man could make those comments, preferring to believe it must be the little girl making it up and being nasty. Then when the op confirms he definitely said it all the "well he's not wrong, he must be concerned for your health" bollocks justifications start. The usual nasty sexism.

Newduvet · 13/12/2021 19:23

@tallduckandhandsome Like I said, to the poster I was replying to who had made an assumption that the father does not take the child enough, we are not privy to that information, could be any number of reasons but at the end of the day he does seem to care about his daughters diet and exercise and that's a good thing so maybe you can, y'know, wind yer neck in.

tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 19:25

@LimeTreeGrove

Anything to blame the woman, eh? Unbelievable isn't it. Some people earlier were desperate not to believe a man could make those comments, preferring to believe it must be the little girl making it up and being nasty. Then when the op confirms he definitely said it all the "well he's not wrong, he must be concerned for your health" bollocks justifications start. The usual nasty sexism.
Agreed. So depressing.
mbosnz · 13/12/2021 19:26

It's real easy to 'care' when you're picking at the person doing the actual work. So, maybe, he could, y'know, wind his neck in, and be respectful, if not appreciative (HA!) of the person doing the hard yards - regardless of why that is.

tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 19:28

[quote Newduvet]@tallduckandhandsome Like I said, to the poster I was replying to who had made an assumption that the father does not take the child enough, we are not privy to that information, could be any number of reasons but at the end of the day he does seem to care about his daughters diet and exercise and that's a good thing so maybe you can, y'know, wind yer neck in.[/quote]
Well no he doesn't take the child enough, that's a fact. He has her 4 days a MONTH. If he wanted her for longer and is so worried about his daughter's diet he could ask OP for overnights in the week or he could apply for 50/50 access.

Playing Disney dad and complaining about her diet doesn't mean he actually cares all that much about her diet.

Really, 'wind yer neck in'? How original Hmm

tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 19:29

@mbosnz

It's real easy to 'care' when you're picking at the person doing the actual work. So, maybe, he could, y'know, wind his neck in, and be respectful, if not appreciative (HA!) of the person doing the hard yards - regardless of why that is.
Exactly!
NegativeNelly · 13/12/2021 19:31

absolutely disgusting comment to make , what a way to show your daughter what he thinks of the mother of his daughter. Keep doing what your doing with your health and happieness, jealousy is such a bad trait to have

Newduvet · 13/12/2021 19:33

@mbosnz

It's real easy to 'care' when you're picking at the person doing the actual work. So, maybe, he could, y'know, wind his neck in, and be respectful, if not appreciative (HA!) of the person doing the hard yards - regardless of why that is.
He absolutely should have been respectful, the way he went about it was horrendous and wrong but he does have a right to worry about his child's diet and lack of exercise. We do not know why he does not live with her half the time unless OP tells us but at the end of the day surely he has a right to be concerned. The child is used to getting a lift every day, he was showing her there was another way of getting to school which was healthier than taking the car every single day. After that he completely fucked it up by speaking about her Mother like that, there is no excuse for that.
Newduvet · 13/12/2021 19:37

Well no he doesn't take the child enough, that's a fact. He has her 4 days a MONTH. If he wanted her for longer and is so worried about his daughter's diet he could ask OP for overnights in the week or he could apply for 50/50 access

@tallduckandhandsome How do you know he hasn't? That wasn't an ASSUMPTION there was it???

mbosnz · 13/12/2021 19:38

However, he's not the one trying to get to work,5 days a week, while ensuring that daughter is fed, washed, hair washed, everything done, and I suggest that he is perhaps a little ignorant of just what a juggle that is. He does have a right to worry about his child's exercise and diet, and he can address that on his time. He absolutely does not have a right to snipe about his child's mother's diet and exercise, and to put that on the shoulders of the child's mother, because he fucked the timing up.

Newduvet · 13/12/2021 19:38

Didn't mean to quote you again there @mbosnz