Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming my ex called me 'fat and lazy' to our daughter?

115 replies

peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 16:57

We share an 8 year old daughter, have been split for around 6/7 years. Get on fairly well but we have our moments, ie his lateness, lack of communication, and at times he disagrees with the way I raise her - he doesn't think I provide her a good enough diet (she's a really fussy, difficult eater).

Anyways, all that aside, she had been at his house for the weekend, today I picked her up from school and she told me that this morning she was arguing with her dad. She really has a thing about being on time and they were going to be late if they walked so she asked if they could take the car. He said no so she said well my mum does and he said back 'yeah that's because your mum is fat and lazy'. She said she felt really upset about this and that he did apologise after.

But I am really upset, I suppose it is factually correct - I am fat and yes, lazy at times (not in a way that impacts my life or my daughters - I still work, I still do activities with her but yes I don't exercise like him and do enjoy chilling on the couch more than I should).

In saying that I just think it was totally inappropriate to say to her, and doesn't teach her much in the way of kindness. I am aware I am overweight - as is my daughter - but I'm also mentally in the best place that I ever have been and I am trying to teach my daughter that your weight and looks don't define you. Of course you should strive to be healthy but life doesn't always go like that.

I feel like he is completely undermining everything I'm trying to instil in her and when confronted, he gave a half arsed apology, 'I'm sorry BUT....' But it was taken out of context. But I was only joking. But I apologised to daughter.

When I pointed out to him that my weight and body was of no concern of his he claimed that it was if it's having a negative impact on my health which in turn will effect our child. For reference I am 14 stone at 5 foot 3.

I have always said that I will lose the weight eventually and get healthier, that is my goal but am I being unreasonable to say that in the meantime, it has absolutely fuck all to do with him?

OP posts:
Justleaveitblankthen · 13/12/2021 17:47

Some PPS obviously aren't bothering to read your full story OP.
Even without you clearly stating he gave an half arsed "apology" why would your daughter even make up such a thing?
Your Ex should get on with his own life and not be so obsessed with yours.
Who made them run late this morning anyway, was it Mr Perfect?

Original poster
peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 17:52

@Justleaveitblankthen

Some PPS obviously aren't bothering to read your full story OP. Even without you clearly stating he gave an half arsed "apology" why would your daughter even make up such a thing? Your Ex should get on with his own life and not be so obsessed with yours. Who made them run late this morning anyway, was it Mr Perfect?
Well she said he got her up at 7.30 am to have a shower and wash her hair before school, that made them run late as it takes ages to dry with hairdryer. However, surely you would do that on a Sunday night? That's how it goes in my house, Sunday night is early shower/bath/hair wash into jammies and early night. I bite my tongue as I don't have control with what goes on at his house but he isn't able to do the same.
OP posts:
ArblemarchTFruitbat · 13/12/2021 18:06

I think some pps might have read I am aware I am overweight - as is my daughter as meaning your daughter is also overweight, but I see from your update you meant your daughter is also aware you are overweight.

Original poster
peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 18:07

@ArblemarchTFruitbat

I think some pps might have read I am aware I am overweight - as is my daughter as meaning your daughter is also overweight, but I see from your update you meant your daughter is also aware you are overweight.
Ahh yes - sorry about that - that's exactly what I meant. My daughter is aware that I'm overweight.
OP posts:
EmpressCixi · 13/12/2021 18:11

It’s rude fat shaming, but he wasn’t factually wrong. You’re 14 stone at 5 ft 3, which is worse than overweight, it’s well into obese with a bum of 34.7.

And it is effecting your daughters life because you are driving her to school when it is walking distance away, your ex is actually trying to get your daughter into a healthy habit of walking to school.

He’s also right you are also effecting your daughter by shortening your life span, obesity causes more cancers than smoking. And you’ve admitted it’s due to a lifestyle choice of yours, not a medical reason or disability.

The truth can be upsetting to you and your daughter, especially when phrased bluntly as “fat and lazy”....it is fat shaming and it’s not likely to get you to change anything. But look past his rudeness, and be honest with yourself. You can make little healthy changes including walking to school instead of driving.

WonderfulYou · 13/12/2021 18:17

It’s rude fat shaming, but he wasn’t factually wrong. You’re 14 stone at 5 ft 3, which is worse than overweight, it’s well into obese with a bum of 34.7

There’s no need to speak in a negative way about the other parent, no matter how truthful it is.

If he’s so concerned he could speak to OP privately or better yet take on more responsibility for their daughter so he can teach her these healthy habits that he’s so concerned about.

JustWonderingIfYou · 13/12/2021 18:18

How can you be mentally happy weighing twice what you need to? I don't think that's the correct message to be sending children.

Its obviously hit a nerve as its true. He shouldn't have said it but he apologised. As a one off everyone slips up, says things they shouldn't- if it was every week then I'd say there a problem but just leave it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/12/2021 18:19

How can you be mentally happy weighing twice what you need to?

Thankfully, my happiness comes from many more sources than what I weigh.

EmpressCixi · 13/12/2021 18:23

@WonderfulYou

It’s rude fat shaming, but he wasn’t factually wrong. You’re 14 stone at 5 ft 3, which is worse than overweight, it’s well into obese with a bum of 34.7

There’s no need to speak in a negative way about the other parent, no matter how truthful it is.

If he’s so concerned he could speak to OP privately or better yet take on more responsibility for their daughter so he can teach her these healthy habits that he’s so concerned about.

I agree, no need to speak negatively about other parent when in an ex situation. And that’s why he apologised for it, did he not? Reality is that exes do occasionally make snarky comments about “your mum this” or “your dad that”.

However, he is taking responsibility for health habits with the daughter. He refused to drive her to school saying they would walk. The daughter then back talked with ‘but mum does it’ and that probably got under his skin having the child wrongly think mums way is better than his way, when really it’s undermining the daughters lifetime health prospects.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 13/12/2021 18:24

The OP doesn't weigh 'twice what she needs to' Hmm. She's about 4 stone overweight for her height.

GrazingSheep · 13/12/2021 18:26

@ peanutbuttersmellytime

GrazingSheep · 13/12/2021 18:26

@peanutbuttersmellytime

GrazingSheep · 13/12/2021 18:27

@ peanutbuttersmellytime

Apologies
I misread your post earlier.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/12/2021 18:28

@ArblemarchTFruitbat

The OP doesn't weigh 'twice what she needs to' Hmm. She's about 4 stone overweight for her height.
Good spot. 7st at 5'3 would be underweight
Original poster
peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 18:35

@JustWonderingIfYou

How can you be mentally happy weighing twice what you need to? I don't think that's the correct message to be sending children.

Its obviously hit a nerve as its true. He shouldn't have said it but he apologised. As a one off everyone slips up, says things they shouldn't- if it was every week then I'd say there a problem but just leave it.

It's not hit a nerve as it's true, I know it's true. It's the fact he said it in that way to our daughter.

I am mentally happy, I am more happy now at 14 stone than I was at 9 stone. Physically I'm not healthy but mentally I am very, very happy and have came to accept that this is where I am in my life at the moment and not to beat myself up.

If others struggle to understand that, that's not my problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 18:36

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

How can you be mentally happy weighing twice what you need to?

Thankfully, my happiness comes from many more sources than what I weigh.

Yes this, my life is very full and filled with lots of things that bring me happiness, my weight is about 5 percent of this.
OP posts:
Boshmama · 13/12/2021 18:36

Of course you’re not unreasonable

You also do not owe anyone an explanation of ‘why’ you’re ‘overweight’ or by how much or anything. Your body your business and frankly some of the posts here have been disgusting. It’s never ok to name call someone especially in front of a child.

What a hideous man - your daughter is lucky to have you

Iwonder08 · 13/12/2021 18:38

What do you want to hear? Obviosly he shouldn't make any negative comments about you to your daughter. However there is no dancing around it.. You are obese and not active. Your daughter according to you has unhealthy eating habits and it might be because of you. Everyone saying that dad should work on it.. It is impossible to do if a parent who is a primary caregiver is not on board and not enforcing it at home.
He apologised, there is nothing else to be done.

WonderfulYou · 13/12/2021 18:40

Reality is that exes do occasionally make snarky comments about “your mum this” or “your dad that”

No they don’t and I feel sorry for the kids whose parents do.

I’ve never made a snarky comment about my DDs dad to her. If I want to say something I’ll save it to say to him or have a rant to one of my friends.

Original poster
peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 18:44

Also may I add, I wish I could walk my daughter to school everyday but I work full time, 9.30 am - 6 pm Monday to Friday. It would make absolutely no sense for me to walk her the twenty minutes to school, to then walk the 20 minutes back to grab my car. In fact I'd be late to work so it wouldn't work, those who are saying my inactivity through not walking my daughter to school, can you suggest a solution around this?

OP posts:
Original poster
peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 18:45

@GrazingSheep

@ peanutbuttersmellytime

Apologies
I misread your post earlier.

It's okay, I didn't word it well.
OP posts:
Boshmama · 13/12/2021 18:47

OP - your weight and activity level are irrelevant! He is teaching your child to be a bully by acting like that in front of her.

Nsky · 13/12/2021 18:50

It was wrong , tho focusing on your weight would benefit you, you know that

Original poster
peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 18:53

@Nsky

It was wrong , tho focusing on your weight would benefit you, you know that
And I'll do that when I'm ready to do that Smile
OP posts:
myyellowcar · 13/12/2021 18:54

This is a lesson for your daughter on how unkind it is to comment on other peoples bodies. What you weigh is irrelevant, he chose to say an shitty comment, which shows him for the bully he is.

Swipe left for the next trending thread