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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming my ex called me 'fat and lazy' to our daughter?

115 replies

peanutbuttersmellytime · 13/12/2021 16:57

We share an 8 year old daughter, have been split for around 6/7 years. Get on fairly well but we have our moments, ie his lateness, lack of communication, and at times he disagrees with the way I raise her - he doesn't think I provide her a good enough diet (she's a really fussy, difficult eater).

Anyways, all that aside, she had been at his house for the weekend, today I picked her up from school and she told me that this morning she was arguing with her dad. She really has a thing about being on time and they were going to be late if they walked so she asked if they could take the car. He said no so she said well my mum does and he said back 'yeah that's because your mum is fat and lazy'. She said she felt really upset about this and that he did apologise after.

But I am really upset, I suppose it is factually correct - I am fat and yes, lazy at times (not in a way that impacts my life or my daughters - I still work, I still do activities with her but yes I don't exercise like him and do enjoy chilling on the couch more than I should).

In saying that I just think it was totally inappropriate to say to her, and doesn't teach her much in the way of kindness. I am aware I am overweight - as is my daughter - but I'm also mentally in the best place that I ever have been and I am trying to teach my daughter that your weight and looks don't define you. Of course you should strive to be healthy but life doesn't always go like that.

I feel like he is completely undermining everything I'm trying to instil in her and when confronted, he gave a half arsed apology, 'I'm sorry BUT....' But it was taken out of context. But I was only joking. But I apologised to daughter.

When I pointed out to him that my weight and body was of no concern of his he claimed that it was if it's having a negative impact on my health which in turn will effect our child. For reference I am 14 stone at 5 foot 3.

I have always said that I will lose the weight eventually and get healthier, that is my goal but am I being unreasonable to say that in the meantime, it has absolutely fuck all to do with him?

OP posts:

iftheworldwasstarting · 13/12/2021 22:52

This thread has really been useful in showing the prevalence of fat shaming on mumsnet. A good percentage of the comments have been absolutely disgusting.

NickiC85 · 13/12/2021 23:21

The fatphobia on this thread, dear me. OP - you don't owe "health" to anyone. Skinny is not always healthier, as you yourself have acknowledged. I presume your ex (and the "health" posters here) never drink, smoke, eat red meat, drive over the speed limit etc etc? Your weight and/or appearance has absolutely no bearing on your ability to mother your child, and is no business of anybody else's, especially not his. He's bang out of order

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 06:28

@NickiC85

Driving at the speed limit doesn't fall into the 'keeping healthy' category. It falls into the 'not being a twat' category.

You can do the rest of the things you mentioned as long as your consumption isn't excessive.

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 06:29

Not that I agree with any fat shaming, of course. Your arguments just daft though.

timeisnotaline · 14/12/2021 06:34

Christ youre a saint. I just don’t know if I could stop myself from saying next week ‘can you try and be on time with her next weekend, I’d hate to have to explain her dad is disorganised slob who only sees her two days a fortnight and still can’t be organised for it so if you could make an effort, I really try to protect her from all that unpleasantness, that’s why I ran around so much to cover for you on your days when you had more contact with her.’

fourminutestosavetheworld · 14/12/2021 06:38

It was a nasty comment to make, particularly as it was made to your daughter. However, it was said in the heat of an argument, he apologised to her, and both admitted it when confronted and apologised to you too - that would be the end of it for me.

I wouldn't retaliate with any of the things suggested - saying at least I pick her up on time etc just puts her in the middle of your row.

Really the person who matters is dd. I would have rolled my eyes at it, said something about my happiness not being dependent on his opinion of me, and left it at that.

sandgrown · 14/12/2021 06:41

My ex looks like a Toby jug but called me a fat bitch . Just ignore him . What a shame he has nothing better to do . Live your best life . Sticks and stones and all that .

Beachgirl33 · 14/12/2021 08:07

@EmpressCixi

It’s rude fat shaming, but he wasn’t factually wrong. You’re 14 stone at 5 ft 3, which is worse than overweight, it’s well into obese with a bum of 34.7.

And it is effecting your daughters life because you are driving her to school when it is walking distance away, your ex is actually trying to get your daughter into a healthy habit of walking to school.

He’s also right you are also effecting your daughter by shortening your life span, obesity causes more cancers than smoking. And you’ve admitted it’s due to a lifestyle choice of yours, not a medical reason or disability.

The truth can be upsetting to you and your daughter, especially when phrased bluntly as “fat and lazy”....it is fat shaming and it’s not likely to get you to change anything. But look past his rudeness, and be honest with yourself. You can make little healthy changes including walking to school instead of driving.

He was using fat as an insult and thinks being fat automatically means being lazy. OP works, does activities and 12 days out of 14 looks after their daughter. Hardly lazy. Anyway he sounds like an arsehole. OP acknowledged she has weight to lose but I’m sure your info on obesity has helped her no end

vivainsomnia · 14/12/2021 08:14

Of course it was wrong to say it and that's why he apologised.

Your weight and habits are yours and yours only to deal with, however, I can understand his frustration if he feels they rub on his daughter. You say she is overweight and he is not happy with how you feed her.

As a mum who is much into healthy living, I'd be very frustrated if my child was overweight through bad eating habits and prefer to take the car rather than walk (if indeed, the being late was an excuse to not walk).

SmellyOldOwls · 14/12/2021 08:18

You may be overweight, but he's a shit dad.

iftheworldwasstarting · 14/12/2021 08:35

@vivainsomnia

Of course it was wrong to say it and that's why he apologised.

The OP has already stated that her DD is not overweight, she meant that her DD is aware that her mum is overweight. The OP stated that the DD is a normal weight.

mellicauli · 14/12/2021 08:43

It’s all he’s got - you are everything to your daughter, you provide her with everything she needs, you are the centre of her world, everything comes back to you. This makes him feel inadequate and throws into light his own pathetic efforts to parent. He is so inadequate that he has to resort to disparaging his co parent about their weight. Even an 8 year old can see this is an immature way to deflect from his own shortcomings.

EmpressCixi · 14/12/2021 08:53

[quote AnAverageMum]@EmpressCixi - bullshit. He literally goes 13 days in a row without seeing his daughter then sees her for one day, then goes another 13 days without seeing her.

However amazing he thinks he might be in that 24-48 hours matters not. Even if he had her 50% of the time he would have absolutely 0 right to make those shitty comments about her mum but having the audacity to make them when his doing the absolute bare minimum is insulting & the fact people are sticking up for him here is making me nauseous.[/quote]
What the fuck are you on about? I said he was rude and fat shaming to call her fat and lazy. How does that even add up to me saying he had a right to say those things about her?

I’m only sticking up for the fact that he is trying to install the healthy habit of walking to school in their daughter. I think it’s nauseating that you are somehow condemning what is perfectly good parenting.

It’s a fact that exes can be hideous towards each other but still be good parents to their children. The fact that an ex is hideous to another ex doesn’t mean he is automatically in the wrong with his parenting.

Thwackit · 14/12/2021 08:56

He’s a poisonous nasty little man, isn’t it? Thank god he’s your ex.

billy1966 · 14/12/2021 09:10

What a nasty waster of a father.

I think sending him an email confirming what happened, his being late for school and what he said to your daughter.

Confirm that she was very upset at what he said and ask that he desist from making nasty remarks that cause your daughter distress.

Point out that he ONLY sees her for a couple of days a month and it would be a shame if she associates them with stress with being late for things and him disparaging her mother.

Tell him she has had enough upset over the years with his unreliability and that you had hoped he had moved on from causing her anxiety.

Finish it off with that he needs to focus on his very brief time with his daughter not be upsetting and making her sad.

Let him stew on that and take a step back from being as pleasant as you are.

He sounds like a nasty, unpleasant excuse.

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