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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting to make plans with my friend to take our toddlers out

125 replies

blueberrybabe · 13/12/2021 13:22

After my toddler wakes and we have breakfast I would go out for a bit to either run errands or go to playgroups . Around 12:30-1 he will have his nap for two hours then won’t sleep until night time. I’ve recently gotten him into this routine and he’s been sleeping the whole night for the first time so I don’t want to ruin it . My friends son who is also the same age as my son has a different routine. He tends to go bed late around 2am meaning that he wakes up later on in the day around 12-1 . As a result every time we try to make plans to go to earlier playgroup sessions which run around 11:30 she’s unable to make it and cancels . She wants us to go to the later session which is around 1:30 after her son wakes up. The only issue is around 1:30 is my sons naptime. I did try to compromise and went once at this time which resulted in me having to wake my son up during his nap . He ended up having a second nap very late in the evening to make up for it and as a result went bed very late after 12am and didn’t sleep well that night. So I decided that I didn’t want to do that again. I’ve asked that she maybe get her son to wake up earlier in the morning for like 10:30 -10:45 and maybe it could help get him to bed earlier . But she says that she can’t do earlier than 12 as she’s sleeping too. Which I understand but It’s hard to compromise in this situation. I just don’t want my son to start going bed late and ruining his bed time routine which will happen if I keep interrupting his naps. I’m thinking about not making any future plans because of this. I would rather go by myself to the earlier session. Ideally I would like to tell her that making plans to go to these sessions won’t work because if I follow her schedule as it will result in my toddler going to bed very late as it has before and I don’t want that. But I feel like saying that would sound as if I’m being judgemental towards her parenting decisions as she allows her toddler to go bed late . Any suggestions on how to express this to her without her feeling judged.

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 13/12/2021 13:25

Just say the later session doesn't work for your schedule. Don't give long explanations about bedtimes etc.

Lollypop701 · 13/12/2021 13:26

Just say your sons routine doesn’t work with hers, so you’re going to the early one. It’s not a judgement you both do what suits you as families.

immersivereader · 13/12/2021 13:26

That won't work for you.

Sleep is precious!

Original poster

blueberrybabe · 13/12/2021 13:27

Ok thanks . I’ll say that without having to give a long explanation !

OP posts:

squee123 · 13/12/2021 13:27

Why don't you just meet at the park or something later on after your son has napped, say 2.30 or 3? Or visit each other for playdates at a similar time.

itwasntaparty · 13/12/2021 13:27

Doesn't work for me, sorry.

QuestionNumberOne · 13/12/2021 13:28

Just say if you wake him from his nap it disrupts his nighttime sleep so you will always go to the morning one. Nothing further.

Squirrelinatree · 13/12/2021 13:30

I love seeing my friends and going to classes together etc but honestly, as the mother of a nearly 4 year old who still doesn’t sleep well at night, if you’ve got your child In a routine that works for you and he sleeps at night I wouldn’t be ruining that for anyone

Original poster

blueberrybabe · 13/12/2021 13:33

@squee123 I could suggest that as well.

OP posts:

LarryandLeon · 13/12/2021 13:34

2am?! Wow I thought my daughter went to bed late! I agree with PP that you should just say it doesn’t work with your son’s nap. We sometimes missed out on arrangements when my daughter was younger as she was out of synch with the other toddlers. You shouldn’t have to change your toddler’s schedule to meet up anymore than she should.

MsChatterbox · 13/12/2021 13:35

Agree with pp is it possible to meet when your son wakes from his nap? Or is this then her sons naptime?

DeepaBeesKit · 13/12/2021 13:35

You do what works for your baby.

You will find especially from age 12m onwards, the vast majority of babies are on a routine near identical to yours. Also as most people return to work by then and children start nursery, they a) have to be up in the morning and b) usually slot in to a nursery routine of after lunch nap.
There are also few activities for babies after 3pm as mums of older children have school runs & activities so there's no demand.

If your friend wants to socialise with other mums she may find it harder and harder as for the reasons above there won't be much on offer that fits the routine of a baby that only rises at lunch time and is up in the middle of the night.

girlmom21 · 13/12/2021 13:36

Couldn't you just do soft play or something later in the afternoon?

Itsalmostanaccessory · 13/12/2021 13:37

There is a really obvious solution here.
Meet up later afternoon.

Kbyodjs · 13/12/2021 13:38

I’d just say it doesn’t work for your schedule and suggest meeting in the afternoon once your son has had his nap.

Cornettoninja · 13/12/2021 13:39

I think @squee123 has the best suggestion.

You shouldn’t sacrifice what you feel is working for you to fit around someone else and I have to say, her toddlers routine sounds mad (if I’m reading right that they sleep through till lunch time??). I feel for her if that’s just the way the cards have fallen for her but most stuff for that age is focussed on school times and mornings and I think she can’t expect you to work around her child’s sleep patterns. She could wake her child earlier… 🤷‍♀️

Chamomileteaplease · 13/12/2021 13:42

Yes, you don't need to go into details, just say no, your child will be asleep at that time.

Why can't you meet up after your son's nap - without a class?

Your friend sounds unusual! Does he baby really not go to bed until 2am? And sleeps until 12 ish? As others have said, she will have to realise that no one else keeps those hours so she will keep having problems if she wants to socialise .

toddybell · 13/12/2021 13:44

Her son goes to bed at 2am?! Why?

Anyway, I'd carrying on following your routine for your son since it works so wonderfully for you all. I was in the same situation too and ended up losing friends but I'd rather have a happy and well-rested child than the alternative.

ImFree2doasiwant · 13/12/2021 13:45

Try a baby friendly soft play in the afternoon? I wouldn't be messing with ds at all.

Temple29 · 13/12/2021 13:46

My toddlers both sleep 12:30-3 every day and I simply don’t make any plans during that time, I’m not available.

I would just say you’re not willing to wake him from a nap so can’t do groups together. She’s not willing to wake her child either so same thing. And surely she’s aware that her toddler’s routine isn’t the same as most toddlers?

Original poster

blueberrybabe · 13/12/2021 13:48

@MsChatterbox I could suggest it . But I believe it could clash with her sons nap time but I’ll see what she says

OP posts:

DontKnowWhatToThink7 · 13/12/2021 13:49

Her toddler goes to bed at 2am? Yeah, not sure I believe that

Original poster

blueberrybabe · 13/12/2021 13:49

@Itsalmostanaccessory The next session is at 3:30 which I wouldn’t mind if it was summer time . But it gets dark so quickly, I’d rather travel home before it gets too dark

OP posts:

Original poster

blueberrybabe · 13/12/2021 13:50

@DontKnowWhatToThink7 this is what she’s told me . And it makes sense that he does if he isn’t awake by 11 the next day

OP posts:

Itsalmostanaccessory · 13/12/2021 13:54

Do you spend all of winter indoors from afternoon onwards? Because it gets dark?
That's a very depressing way to live.

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