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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting to make plans with my friend to take our toddlers out

125 replies

blueberrybabe · 13/12/2021 13:22

After my toddler wakes and we have breakfast I would go out for a bit to either run errands or go to playgroups . Around 12:30-1 he will have his nap for two hours then won’t sleep until night time. I’ve recently gotten him into this routine and he’s been sleeping the whole night for the first time so I don’t want to ruin it . My friends son who is also the same age as my son has a different routine. He tends to go bed late around 2am meaning that he wakes up later on in the day around 12-1 . As a result every time we try to make plans to go to earlier playgroup sessions which run around 11:30 she’s unable to make it and cancels . She wants us to go to the later session which is around 1:30 after her son wakes up. The only issue is around 1:30 is my sons naptime. I did try to compromise and went once at this time which resulted in me having to wake my son up during his nap . He ended up having a second nap very late in the evening to make up for it and as a result went bed very late after 12am and didn’t sleep well that night. So I decided that I didn’t want to do that again. I’ve asked that she maybe get her son to wake up earlier in the morning for like 10:30 -10:45 and maybe it could help get him to bed earlier . But she says that she can’t do earlier than 12 as she’s sleeping too. Which I understand but It’s hard to compromise in this situation. I just don’t want my son to start going bed late and ruining his bed time routine which will happen if I keep interrupting his naps. I’m thinking about not making any future plans because of this. I would rather go by myself to the earlier session. Ideally I would like to tell her that making plans to go to these sessions won’t work because if I follow her schedule as it will result in my toddler going to bed very late as it has before and I don’t want that. But I feel like saying that would sound as if I’m being judgemental towards her parenting decisions as she allows her toddler to go bed late . Any suggestions on how to express this to her without her feeling judged.

OP posts:

Bunnycat101 · 13/12/2021 13:55

Your routine is much more typical. She’s going to struggle to meet up with her routine which is very unusual. A toddler with a 2am bedtime is going to have a rough time adjusting to pre-school/school. Just say it doesn’t work for you.

DeepaBeesKit · 13/12/2021 13:55

The reason people tend not to meet up with younger babies from 3-5pm is most places have sessions for older school aged children then. Swimming pools tend to be dominated by school childrens lessons, soft play centres can be full of bigger kids. In winter it's going dark and cold by half past 3.

DeepaBeesKit · 13/12/2021 13:56

Itsalmostanaccessory

Lol most people I know are predominantly indoors from 3.30/4pm or so in midwinter. Why is it depressing? We are warm and cosy and having fun just indoors?

DontKnowWhatToThink7 · 13/12/2021 13:57

[quote blueberrybabe]@DontKnowWhatToThink7 this is what she’s told me . And it makes sense that he does if he isn’t awake by 11 the next day[/quote]
It just seems to me like you are making your friend out to be a bit of a shit mother while you have your child in this perfect routine. She doesn't let him sleep until 2am and won't meet up before 12 because she's sleeping too

Original poster

blueberrybabe · 13/12/2021 13:58

@DeepaBeesKit yes she does find it hard to socialise with other mums . I’m the only mum friend she’s been able to make arrangements with and I’m starting to see why

OP posts:

Itsalmostanaccessory · 13/12/2021 13:59

Well, my children's clubs dont stop just because it is winter. Gymnastics, swimming, football, drama and rugby. All still on. We're out 3 evenings a week for them. All their club mates are still there so clearly, people go out in the late afternoon and evening despite the dark.
Cinema, bowling, ice skating, trampoline park, xmas funfair etc etc etc. All still open. All still full of people.

But yeah... lets not see our friends late afternoon because it's dark out.

DeepaBeesKit · 13/12/2021 13:59

Don'tknowwhattothink where has she said she's a shit mother? I knew a couple of mums who kept babies up late. One is not a morning person (she still struggles to get her child to school on time) the other did it to fit around her partners working pattern.

Laiste · 13/12/2021 14:01

Nothing on god's clean earth would ever persuade me to mess with my DCs routines when they were v young.

not even XMIL who used to take the piss out my ''Hitler Regime''

When you've got your little one into a nice get up, nap, sleep all night routine It.Is.Priceless and not to be risked on a whim.

DeepaBeesKit · 13/12/2021 14:01

Several of those activities are for older children? Swimminh gym etc are all indoors....
With babies if they've napped until 3 and you only get back from school run at 3.45, and you know they are having tea at 5pm and you've to cook it, most days no, I can't be arsed going bloody bowling at 4pm.

Original poster

blueberrybabe · 13/12/2021 14:01

@DontKnowWhatToThink7 honestly I’m not assuming anything. This is what she has told me herself . I’m not trying to make myself a perfect mum I can’t have my son sleep late around 12 because by 9-10 I’m already exhausted so am earlier bedtime works for both of us .

OP posts:

DontKnowWhatToThink7 · 13/12/2021 14:01

@DeepaBeesKit

Hasn't said it but directly but that's what she's getting at, isn't it?

DeepaBeesKit · 13/12/2021 14:02

I dont think most people regularly go to xmas funfairs, ice skating, cinema or bowling on ordinary school nights. Those things are more of a one off.

Beautiful3 · 13/12/2021 14:02

I don't blame you. I had to stick to my babies sleep routines, otherwise they'd go to bed in the evening, very late. They'd be grumpy all day if I woke them up earlier. I planned most things around them, until they grew out of nap time! Just go to the one you can and offer her a coffee at yours on her way home, from her later session.

DeepaBeesKit · 13/12/2021 14:03

No I think shes getting at the fact that her friend's routine is atypical. It is.

DontKnowWhatToThink7 · 13/12/2021 14:03

yes she does find it hard to socialise with other mums . I’m the only mum friend she’s been able to make arrangements with and I’m starting to see why

This for example

Laiste · 13/12/2021 14:03

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Well, my children's clubs dont stop just because it is winter. Gymnastics, swimming, football, drama and rugby. All still on. We're out 3 evenings a week for them. All their club mates are still there so clearly, people go out in the late afternoon and evening despite the dark. Cinema, bowling, ice skating, trampoline park, xmas funfair etc etc etc. All still open. All still full of people.

But yeah... lets not see our friends late afternoon because it's dark out.

These are 3 year olds in the OP aren't they?

I don't know any 3 year olds doing Gymnastics, swimming, football, drama and rugby. Dark or not

Original poster

blueberrybabe · 13/12/2021 14:04

@Itsalmostanaccessory I don’t mind popping out to the local shops in the evening. But I don’t feel safe getting home by bus when it’s dark with my toddler . The playgroup is a 20 minute bus ride from where I live.

OP posts:

DontKnowWhatToThink7 · 13/12/2021 14:04

@DeepaBeesKit

No I think shes getting at the fact that her friend's routine is atypical. It is.

I find it hard to believe though. I've known parents to keep their children up late but until 2am just so they don't wake up before 1pm?

ReeseWitherfork · 13/12/2021 14:05

I thought OP was being particularly nice by not commenting on the bizarre routine. I don't think it necessarily makes her a shit mother, but it's a little out of the ordinary, so props to OP for glossing over it!

Laiste · 13/12/2021 14:06

blueberrybabe don't worry about what some posters are saying.

If that person feels the info you've given means your friend is a shit mum then perhaps it's just hitting a nerve.

Thegreencup · 13/12/2021 14:07

I can see why you don't want to change your routine because it works for you. But her routine works for her and she doesn't want to change hers either. Just cos her routine is not the same as everyone else's on MN, it doesn't mean she is wrong.

If it was only one day a week, I would just meet up with her. One rough night a week isn't going to do you or your toddler any harm. It will do you all some good to get out and socialise. I am not one for putting your own life on hold to fit the toddlers nap schedule. Lots of parents have more than one child and you can't not pick your kids up from school cos the toddler likes a nap then.

DontKnowWhatToThink7 · 13/12/2021 14:07

@ReeseWitherfork

I think the OP is exaggerating though. I find it really hard to believe.

Original poster

blueberrybabe · 13/12/2021 14:07

@Chamomileteaplease yes I don’t mind that either . I don’t mind going out with her during the day like for coffee or shopping etc even during my sons nap time as he naps in the pram but it’s making plans for specific playgroup sessions so both toddlers can play together

OP posts:

DontKnowWhatToThink7 · 13/12/2021 14:08

@Laiste

blueberrybabe don't worry about what some posters are saying.

If that person feels the info you've given means your friend is a shit mum then perhaps it's just hitting a nerve.

Nope, not hitting a nerve. I don't think the OP is being completely truthful.

elenacampana · 13/12/2021 14:08

Your friend’s routine is crazy! I’d just say ‘it doesn’t work for me sorry’ abs try to work something else out that suits you both for a different time of the day, doing something else.

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