Not wanting to make plans with my friend to take our toddlers out

[blueberrybabe]

After my toddler wakes and we have breakfast I would go out for a bit to either run errands or go to playgroups . Around 12:30-1 he will have his nap for two hours then won’t sleep until night time. I’ve recently gotten him into this routine and he’s been sleeping the whole night for the first time so I don’t want to ruin it . My friends son who is also the same age as my son has a different routine. He tends to go bed late around 2am meaning that he wakes up later on in the day around 12-1 . As a result every time we try to make plans to go to earlier playgroup sessions which run around 11:30 she’s unable to make it and cancels . She wants us to go to the later session which is around 1:30 after her son wakes up. The only issue is around 1:30 is my sons naptime. I did try to compromise and went once at this time which resulted in me having to wake my son up during his nap . He ended up having a second nap very late in the evening to make up for it and as a result went bed very late after 12am and didn’t sleep well that night. So I decided that I didn’t want to do that again. I’ve asked that she maybe get her son to wake up earlier in the morning for like 10:30 -10:45 and maybe it could help get him to bed earlier . But she says that she can’t do earlier than 12 as she’s sleeping too. Which I understand but It’s hard to compromise in this situation. I just don’t want my son to start going bed late and ruining his bed time routine which will happen if I keep interrupting his naps. I’m thinking about not making any future plans because of this. I would rather go by myself to the earlier session. Ideally I would like to tell her that making plans to go to these sessions won’t work because if I follow her schedule as it will result in my toddler going to bed very late as it has before and I don’t want that. But I feel like saying that would sound as if I’m being judgemental towards her parenting decisions as she allows her toddler to go bed late . Any suggestions on how to express this to her without her feeling judged.

@DontKnowWhatToThink7 I don’t think she keeps her toddler up late on purpose . She has expressed to me that she wished he would sleep earlier but I think it’s just a routine that he’s fallen into naturally .

I agree with “it doesn’t work for me”

This sort of “nap time chicken” seems to happen a lot with toddler parent meeting ups - lots of people who seem to think their baby/ toddlers nap / sleep time is the only one that matters!

If it doesn’t work for you and you’d rather go alone just do that!

I think people are assuming it's her choice but in she's a mother trying to get some sleep and is probably desperately grateful the toddler sleeps eventually!

Afternoon play dates is the only sensible solution that has a chance of working for both families.

I don’t mean you specifically I mean everyone has their own routine

Just say that at the moment it doesn't suit your schedule but perhaps in the spring time when the routines are more settled, you'd be up for meeting up?
Things, including bedtime schedules tend to get completely thrown out the window in the Christmas time.

She's being silly to have such a late routine (and I say that as someone whose kids always had a later than usual dinner/bed/rise time). Turning it around for school will be tough.

But could you reconsider the 3.30pm one sometimes? Why on earth are you worried about going home on a bus at 4.30pm? What do you think will happen? I used to pick mine up from nursery at 6 and walk home. I had no choice as I worked FT.

Just cos her routine is not the same as everyone else's on MN, it doesn't mean she is wrong.

It doesn’t. But she’s going to have an uphill battle when the kid starts school.

OP she doesn’t want to shift her routine, you don’t want to shift yours. If you want to see her then I suggest meeting in the weekends when you can leave the kids at home to have their respective nap times (assuming that’s possible with dads/other childcare).

I'd say try and do something with her some other day or time and just suit yourselves regarding the playgroups.
Your schedule isn't better or worse than hers, it's just different.
But you don't need to change yours to suit hers either.

Why on earth are you worried about going home on a bus at 4.30pm? What do you think will happen? I used to pick mine up from nursery at 6 and walk home. I had no choice as I worked FT

Tbf that very much depends on the area and the service.

I didn’t bat an eyelid catching the bus late at night when I worked in a high-crime inner city area, then I moved to a rural town with unreliable buses, unreliable taxis, dodgy street lighting and non-residential narrow paths that become completely impassable from autumn to spring due to leaves (of all things!) running alongside busy roads and it’s perfectly possible to do your whole journey without seeing another soul but your bus driver. I changed my DD’s childminder her first winter there because of how bad it was travelling by foot/bus.

@Thegreencup yes it’s one day a week , which is why I compromised that day but My son went bed around 12 am that day . I’m not sure if I want to be dealing with that once a week . Its exhausting for me

Surely it shouldn't be a big deal - she's not willing to change her routine and you're not willing to change yours. So you need to find activities you can do together in the mid afternoon. A trip to a park or soft play or whatever.

I have had similarly different routines with a friend and we've always been able to find a slot, albeit we sometimes changed the activity.

I'm a slave to my child's nap time...out of choice. if I'm not at home making the most of his nap time I loose my sanity. As others have said you really don't need to explain anything. Just say you can't because of his nap times.

@LookItsMeAgain yes I wouldn’t mind

@honeylulu there’s just so much crime that happens around the area where I live . I’m not saying anything bad would happen if I walked home in the dark but I’d rather not . I do get nervous

Mismatched routines are so common. Just explain this is what you need to do to get him sleeping through the night and you're not messing with it.

@Itsalmostanaccessory that’s great for you. Everyone’s experience is different .

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Do you spend all of winter indoors from afternoon onwards? Because it gets dark? That's a very depressing way to live.

Why? It's nice to be cosy indoors when it's miserable and cold.

And it's nice for the toddler to potter and play with their own toys.

They don't need to be entertained all hours of the day

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Well, my children's clubs dont stop just because it is winter. Gymnastics, swimming, football, drama and rugby. All still on. We're out 3 evenings a week for them. All their club mates are still there so clearly, people go out in the late afternoon and evening despite the dark. Cinema, bowling, ice skating, trampoline park, xmas funfair etc etc etc. All still open. All still full of people.

But yeah... lets not see our friends late afternoon because it's dark out.

Why can't people do things differently?

But for months on end? And when all the xmas stuff is on and the lights and everything.

The idea of not meeting up with a friend because, "oh, it's dark at 3pm" is just very very sad. It's 3PM. Not midnight.

Just tell her, politely, that it doesn't work for you time wise.

I don't want to be out with my toddler in the dark, it's miserable and cold. They don't have to be doing structured stuff all the time.

@DontKnowWhatToThink7 I’m not sure why I would lie about something like that. She’s always mentioned he goes he’s late but I never knew what time and never asked. Wasn’t until we started making plans and she kept saying he was asleep at 11:30 i then found out about his bedtime .

@Itsalmostanaccessory I don’t meet up after it gets dark. It’s not dark at 3 pm but by the time the session is over and I have to make my way home it is dark. I’m okay with going out if I’m able to get a ride back home

I'm not interested in being out in the dark with my toddler either. There's enough daylight hours. Especially somewhere like a park.

Surely she understands if she has cancelled things because they don't fit with her routine? You both have the same problem, so you just need to find a time you're all awake and do things then!