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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to tell 44 weeks and breech friend she's risking her baby?

738 replies

scottishlass43 · 12/12/2021 11:16

My friend is 44 weeks pregnant with a footling breech. She's determined to have a natural birth at home with another friend of ours who's a midwife. She's been declining all intervention till now and has no cut off point - she wants to let the baby come naturally and doesn't want scans or any monitoring. She refuses to consider a c-section.

She's older (late thirties) and has been waiting for several years for this baby. I have no idea why she'd risk it now.

AIBU wanting to tell her what I think? Am I (and other worried friends) overreacting? Does anyone know of anyone who's done this, and how it went?

OP posts:
VanillaIce1 · 12/12/2021 13:30

This is crazy. My friend never went into labour and went to 44 weeks. She only got to 44 weeks as the hospital wouldn't accept her dates. In the end she had a C section and the baby was so big she wouldn't of been able to deliver her anyway.
Her next child was delivered by c section at 38 weeks to avoid the same thing. Weirdly enough her sister has 3 kids and has never got into labour on her own either. All pregnancies went beyond 42 weeks and it just wouldn't happen for them.
All babies are fine thanks to c sections getting them out safely.

Ponoka7 · 12/12/2021 13:31

You're not an arsehole to talk about still birth in a situation like this. Her choices are in danger of killing her baby. Everyone who is in contact with her at this point shouldn't be skirting around this issue. If it's coming from all sides then she might rethink. Why would she though, if everyone is staying quiet?

RampantIvy · 12/12/2021 13:33

She is monumentally selfish - risk the baby's life for a home birth experience

It's not as if it would be a pleasant experience anyway.

Wannakisstheteacher · 12/12/2021 13:35

I hope social services become involved IF she has a live birth. People that selfish shouldn’t be trusted with children.

caketiger · 12/12/2021 13:39

You could contact social services, though that isn't something to do lightly. What worries you more basically and how much risk is the child actually in?

DropYourSword · 12/12/2021 13:41

I think people need to stop recommended contacting social services! This woman is absolutely within her rights to make this decision. SS can’t do anything!

endofthelinefinally · 12/12/2021 13:41

Back in the 80s when I was working as a hospital midwife we had a lady on the ward for daily CTG monitoring because she was 40weeks plus 10 days and had refused induction. There were signs that the fetus was getting tired and the placenta was starting to fail. Every single person on the ward spoke to her and her husband. From the Professor of obstetrics, the Senior registrar, the midwives, GP trainees. Everyone begged her to agree to induction. She refused. Every conversation was clearly documented in her notes. She went home because she refused any further monitoring. Eventually at 33 weeks the fetus died in utero.
It was absolutely awful and everyone was devastated. Legally nobody could do anything because the fetus has no rights.
The worst thing was that the couple tried to take legal action against the hospital. It didn't go anywhere because the records were so clear and witnessed.
There is no way I would be able to go along with risking the life of my friend, her baby and my registration. But maybe the friend feels she can't just walk away.

whynotwhatknot · 12/12/2021 13:42

Shes a selfish woman its as simple as that-noone wants alot of intervention but sometimes you have to

OhWhyNot · 12/12/2021 13:44

Some women are so taken in with natural birthing

It’s utterly selfish it her baby at risk and herself and the pressure on those supporting her

Let’s hope as soon as labour starts she realises that child birth isn’t the experience she was hoping for and she gets to hospital

CrotchetyQuaver · 12/12/2021 13:47

On what you've written, she must be bloody mad. I'd risk losing the friendship over telling exactly how reckless she's being. Does she not realise her own life is at risk as well as the baby's? This has Recipe For Disaster all over it. I do think many women have no idea just how dangerous childbirth can be, it's not until you've been in the situation where it's going even a little bit wrong and serious medical interventions are urgently needed to ensure survival of both mother and child that you realise just how badly wrong it could have gone. Your friend sounds deluded and as for the midwife, at best she's skating on very thin ice.

Piglet89 · 12/12/2021 13:47

“Back in the 80s when I was working as a hospital midwife we had a lady on the ward for daily CTG monitoring because she was 40weeks plus 10 days and had refused induction. There were signs that the fetus was getting tired and the placenta was starting to fail. Every single person on the ward spoke to her and her husband. From the Professor of obstetrics, the Senior registrar, the midwives, GP trainees. Everyone begged her to agree to induction. She refused. Every conversation was clearly documented in her notes. She went home because she refused any further monitoring. Eventually at 33 weeks the fetus died in utero.”

I’m sorry - but, really - how stupid do you have to be to let this happen? The legal action as well even though this tragedy very obviously happened as a result of her own choices.

Monumentally stupid and selfish.

ItsAllAboutTheLighting · 12/12/2021 13:49

😱

Piglet89 · 12/12/2021 13:51

I think my son was complete breech; figures - he doesn’t like to conform, even now at 2 and 3 months (and even by toddler standards)

When they discovered this at 37 weeks and offered me elective C section to ensure safe delivery, I was like, “where do I sign?”

Chasingaftermidnight · 12/12/2021 13:54

Assuming she’s receiving NHS antenatal care she’ll have been warned of the risks in no uncertain terms won’t she? I can’t see why she’ll listen to you if she won’t listen to her midwives and consultant.

Although the person I’m really amazed at in this scenario is your midwife friend. Is she an NHS midwife? Surely she isn’t happy to attend a 44 week footling breech homebirth on her own?

scrivette · 12/12/2021 13:54

Absolutely crazy. I had a footling breech and I was initially disappointed when I was told I had to have a C Section within the next few days but when they explained the risks (head getting stuck as cervix may not dilate fully) I completely understood.

I went into natural labour the next day and ended up with an emergency section and as I give birth very very fast the midwife looking after me was very concerned we wouldn't make theater in time. (We did).

MrsJamin · 12/12/2021 13:55

@endofthelinefinally

Back in the 80s when I was working as a hospital midwife we had a lady on the ward for daily CTG monitoring because she was 40weeks plus 10 days and had refused induction. There were signs that the fetus was getting tired and the placenta was starting to fail. Every single person on the ward spoke to her and her husband. From the Professor of obstetrics, the Senior registrar, the midwives, GP trainees. Everyone begged her to agree to induction. She refused. Every conversation was clearly documented in her notes. She went home because she refused any further monitoring. Eventually at 33 weeks the fetus died in utero. It was absolutely awful and everyone was devastated. Legally nobody could do anything because the fetus has no rights. The worst thing was that the couple tried to take legal action against the hospital. It didn't go anywhere because the records were so clear and witnessed. There is no way I would be able to go along with risking the life of my friend, her baby and my registration. But maybe the friend feels she can't just walk away.
Do you mean 44 weeks, not 33?

Reading this thread agog. DS1 was breech, nearly 14 years ago. Even then I was told that midwives don't have the experience necessary to be confident to support a vaginal breech birth, and I opted for a planned CS. I ended up going into labour before that and I was petrified that I wouldn't get to surgery in time. I was labouring very quickly.

My advice to you OP is that you must put the woman and baby's lives ahead of your friendship. Be as clear talking as you can, and yes say you are risking your baby's life. Nature can be very cruel and is not always a good rule of thumb to always take the natural option. Death is natural, unfortunately.

Piglet89 · 12/12/2021 13:57

My advice to you OP is that you must put the woman and baby's lives ahead of your friendship. Be as clear talking as you can, and yes say you are risking your baby's life.

PLEASE, please do this. How would you feel @scottishlass43 if something awful does happen and you didn’t speak up?

CityCommuter · 12/12/2021 13:57

@scottishlass43 is that length of gestation even possible? Surely the amniotic fluid would have dried up considerably by now? I was only 1 week over with DC1 and DC was extremely crinkled when born - obstetrician said it was because the amniotic fluid starts to decrease naturally at just before 40 weeks gestation...

OhWhyNot · 12/12/2021 13:59

I was 42 weeks and I finally had emergency c section
I desperately wanted to be induced earlier (as my midwife had advised the consultant)
Hearing you baby’s heartbeat drop and professionals panic stays with you it’s an awful experience

I think honesty it best with your friend she is putting her baby at risk

Maray1967 · 12/12/2021 13:59

I went 14 days over with DS2. Placenta was gritty and he had lost weight over the last 2 or 3 weeks. If I’d had another I would not have gone that far over.
Who told her that the placenta can’t degrade? That is nonsense.
I would risk the friendship and try to get intervention. This sounds very dangerous for both mother and baby.

CoastalWave · 12/12/2021 14:03

Sod the friendship. She needs telling straight.

What a ridiculously selfish woman. Doesn't bode well for being a great mother does it (putting her own selfish 'natural' desires' above getting out a healthy baby)

THE BABY WILL PROBABLY DIE/ Just god damn tell her. And I would be furious with her.

Mermaidwaves · 12/12/2021 14:05

If this woman is happy to take such awful risks with her unborn child for her own selfish reasons then its worrying how she would be as a mother with a live baby, being blunt if she has a live baby Angry

This poor defenceless baby with no legal right to life, completely at the whim of its mother, it makes me want to weep to be honest Sad

Winnietherose · 12/12/2021 14:06

I think this should be referred to social care (I work on a duty Child protection team) as this needs a multi agency intervention for both her and the babies sake, I would be worried about the views of the midwife friend who is not giving the right advice. I would also be worried about any further views on caring for the baby, and also how her mental health might cope if (when) something goes wrong.

timeisnotaline · 12/12/2021 14:08

endoftheline that’s desperately sad, it was a baby at that point, and really it was just left to die- by its mother of all people.
This is terrifying. Is the midwife not registered at a community centre or hospital and you can contact them there and ask isn’t there anything that can be done?

reesewithoutaspoon · 12/12/2021 14:08

Honestly please try everything to get her to at least get monitored. My sister went to 44 weeks in 1988 ( I think it was a phase were they were allowing people to go naturally) but she was being monitored daily in the last week. and her placenta was going white, was gritty and barely functional when my nephew was born, also his skin was so dry because all the vernix had gone, that it cracked and bled for weeks.

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