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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating... Great guy but hate his clothes

146 replies

Shawaddywaddeee · 12/12/2021 02:33

AIBU?

Met a lovely guy, only been dating about a month
He's funny, kind, genuine, honest, generous
But
He's not great in bed and his dress sense is awful

Can these things be changed?
Or do you think I should just finish it now?

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 12/12/2021 18:54

@DrSbaitso

If it's shallow to want your date to wear clean clothes, not smell and do more than stick a finger for foreplay, I'm shallow and absolute fine about it.

If we're going to do the "flip the sexes" thing, how many men would continue to date a woman who wore an ugly, ill-fitting and smelly dress and was terrible in bed? And how many would feel bad if they didn't?

And how many other men would moralistically berate them as terrible people if they didn't?

Well to be fair op didn’t specify any of this until replies suggested she was being shallow/controlling.

In the op she says she ‘doesn’t like his dress sense.’ To me that’s quite different from ‘wears dirty smelly clothes and doesn’t wash himself.’

100problems · 12/12/2021 18:59

His dress sense can't be that bad if you've slept with him.

Arguably at that point his dress sense wasn't a factor.

DrSbaitso · 12/12/2021 19:09

In the op she says she ‘doesn’t like his dress sense.’ To me that’s quite different from ‘wears dirty smelly clothes and doesn’t wash himself.’

I think that's related to the almost exclusively female phenomenon of feeling, or being made to feel, like a Bad Person if you admit you don't want to keep dating a man who likes you and isn't on day release. She probably thought it would make her a Bad Person if she was completely open about just how badly he dresses and why she's turned off. That it would be bitchy to say it.

In the OP, the clothes thing struck me as less of an issue than the fact that he's bad in bed.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 12/12/2021 19:28

@TheCreamCaker

You sound incredibly shallow. What if he hates your make-up/hair/shoes? Would you expect to be dumped or told what to change?
No she doesn't, don't be silly. She sounds like an overly tolerant person who has looked beyond the exterior of a smelly and dishevelled man, warmed to his personality, then endured terrible sex.

If you are cool with having a stinky partner who's crap in bed, your standards are very low.

ChampagneLassie · 12/12/2021 19:40

I think gentle encouragement / shopping trips over time could improve the clothes. I think most men appreciate woman's input on this. And I guess a similar approach to the sex, show him what you like and encouragment.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 12/12/2021 19:51

@ChampagneLassie

I think gentle encouragement / shopping trips over time could improve the clothes. I think most men appreciate woman's input on this. And I guess a similar approach to the sex, show him what you like and encouragment.
Ugh, the guy reeks of BO. Whatever happened to self responsibility?
Original poster
Shawaddywaddeee · 13/12/2021 01:06

Ok so update..

I saw him tonight.
He smelt nice and had ok clothes on
The sex was crap and the kissing isn't great either 🙈
BUT
He's such good company, kind, caring, trustworthy, good heart etc I'm going to see how things go.
Sex dwindles after time anyway and good guys seem to be hard to find these days x

OP posts:
50ShadesOfCatholic · 13/12/2021 01:31

Well good luck to you!!

Suzi888 · 13/12/2021 02:53

@Vapeyvapevape

What don’t you like about his clothes? If the sexes were reversed and a man told a woman to change the way they dressed, everyone would say he was controlling.
It IS controlling. You don’t sound like a good match, you hate his clothes and he’s crap in bed…
steff13 · 13/12/2021 02:59

Arguably at that point his dress sense wasn't a factor.

But the reeking of BO probably was.

tabletipper · 13/12/2021 03:12

OP, Do you want a Partner or Project?

What's the daft saying ? Men marry women hoping They won't change - Women marry men hoping they can change them.
You're not a rehabilitation center for the badly dressed - Its not just the outfits though is it? It's the effort, the taking pride in yourself to be at the very minimum in clean clothes having respect for the other person.
Trying to mold someone to be what you want and need will leave you feeling resentful in the long run.
You deserve more than this.

JohnHunter · 13/12/2021 03:18

Are funny, kind, genuine, honest, and generous men really in such short supply?

I hope things improve if you are holding on to this one, OP!

CheddarGorgeous · 13/12/2021 03:21

Friendzone

Whatwouldscullydo · 13/12/2021 07:13

So cos couples have less sex after many years if being together, it's OK if thr sex is crap now

Trust me I've done this. I've stayed with someone who i felt was a nice guy but with whom the sex didn't work very well. Turns out he wasn't such a nice guy after all. Ghosted me based on rumours from other people and I'd wasted my time.

Its supposed to be fun. A month ffs u don't owe him.a thing.

The more you do this stuff the longer it takes and the harder it becomes to ever get your self respect back.

dayswithaY · 13/12/2021 07:38

Don't date someone you wouldn't be prepared to sit next to on a bus!

BO on a stained jumper? Nothing to do with dress sense, OP that's a total lack of basic care.

His sense of humour and heart of gold wouldn't cut it for me. Wash your clothes mate.

gamerchick · 13/12/2021 07:44

@Shawaddywaddeee

Ok so update..

I saw him tonight.
He smelt nice and had ok clothes on
The sex was crap and the kissing isn't great either 🙈
BUT
He's such good company, kind, caring, trustworthy, good heart etc I'm going to see how things go.
Sex dwindles after time anyway and good guys seem to be hard to find these days x

Does it? Hmm

Good sex is a health rule in my house. He can learn what works as we all had to do, as long as he's willing and that means having a chat with him.

stalkersaga · 13/12/2021 07:44

Jeez, I know men are shit and everything, but I'd rather be alone than be with someone who was bad in bed. Not least because that kind of "bad in bed" reflects someone who is self-absorbed (doesn't give a shit or even notice if you come) and doesn't listen or compromise. Also... shit sex, hello.

OP, I ask again: what did he say when you pointed out you'd not come or had any fun at all ? This is highly pertinent.

thehippietothehiphop · 13/12/2021 09:34

@Shawaddywaddeee

Ok so update..

I saw him tonight.
He smelt nice and had ok clothes on
The sex was crap and the kissing isn't great either 🙈
BUT
He's such good company, kind, caring, trustworthy, good heart etc I'm going to see how things go.
Sex dwindles after time anyway and good guys seem to be hard to find these days x

Oh no, this is so sad 😢

If he’s so nice just keep him as a friend!

DrSbaitso · 13/12/2021 09:38

I find sex ebbs and flows rather than dwindles. But if it did go right down for good, I'd be happy because this was the man who did it so well while we still could, and we have the shared memory and bonding. I don't know how I'd feel if he'd always just been shit and lazy.

Hankunamatata · 13/12/2021 09:41

Now is perfect time to tell him what you want sex wise before it gets awkward. Tell him what you dont like about kissing or suggest he tries it x way. You have nothing to lose

TimeForTeaAndG · 13/12/2021 09:56

Sex might get a bit less frequent but it's still meant to be enjoyable. But batter on, OP. We'll see you in a few years when you're totally mystified as to why he's still a total mess and the sex has gotten even worse.

Whatwouldscullydo · 13/12/2021 10:12

Now is perfect time to tell him what you want sex wise before it gets awkward. Tell him what you dont like about kissing or suggest he tries it x way. You have nothing to lose

Except time and energy. She's not his mother she shouldn't have to teach the basics. It doesn't just sound like different bodies liking different things and just learning what a new partner likes. You don't get to your late 20s and 30s without picking up that zero effort means zero pleasure so he clearly just doesn't care

This isn't worth the time. She's not his mother who has to teach him.life skills and how to kiss for the next girlfriend

Bubblecap · 13/12/2021 10:39

I agree about the ebb and flow in a LTR.

DH has a rather quirky dress style and that’s what I thought you were going to say. Being grubby just wouldn’t be acceptable to me and would need guidance as would the bedroom shenanigans.

He is therefore a project it just depends on if you can be bothered. He may just be very inexperienced in bed. Some people are real late starters, who knows he may not have been a virgin but may have had sex very few times.

IAs an older poster having seen what my sisters, friends and colleagues have gone through in their pursuit of partners the ratio of total arseholes amongst the male population is sadly incredibly high so as he is so great for you on a personality compatibility level wise I can see why you are conflicted.

Good luck with whatever you decide, DH has a very odd dress sense, I can see why it would put people off, but my God the man had a six pack to die for when his clothes came off :) I made no effort to change his dress sense. To this day he still has an amazing body and is in his fifties but he still wears really awful lace up Clark’s shoes. He is a Professor, his students adore him and on anonymous student surveys is rated as wonderfully eccentric, brilliant and fun.

CounsellorTroi · 13/12/2021 10:48

@Kanaloa

I think it can be changed. I don’t think you should change it.

Imagine how you would feel if a new boyfriend sat you down and said ‘I’m willing to keep seeing you, but your clothes don’t fit what I like. I want you to change how you dress.’ I would feel upset and uncomfortable. If you found his dress sense so off putting why go out with him in the first place?

Exactly this. Men aren’t house renovation projects.
ElectraBlue · 13/12/2021 10:53

''I don't think you can educate anyone to have good sex. If there is real spark there then the sex will be good.''

Actually that is not true. We all start not knowing much about sex after all and every time you meet a new partner they come with a different history/fantasies and so on. Some people will be less confident than others and might need a bit of time to relax.

If you think 'good sex' just always happens magically and that everything should look like a scene from a Hollywood movie, you have unrealistic expectations.

Of course you need to fancy the person and find them attractive but I think there is always a bit of a learning curves about the mechanics.

I have had sex with men who were quite handsome, easily attracted women and had much more experience than I had, but I still had to give them pointers in term of what would please me! it does not bother me. Sex is also about communication. I think some women also still don't know how to articulate their needs so the guys will go through life thinking what they do in bed is working...

They are of course things I will not put up with like blatant selfishness, aggression and not respecting boundaries but someone who is willing to please and might need a bit of a steer is quite endearing.