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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating... Great guy but hate his clothes

146 replies

Shawaddywaddeee · 12/12/2021 02:33

AIBU?

Met a lovely guy, only been dating about a month
He's funny, kind, genuine, honest, generous
But
He's not great in bed and his dress sense is awful

Can these things be changed?
Or do you think I should just finish it now?

OP posts:
Dozer · 12/12/2021 11:34

Someone seeming to have a ‘heart of gold’ is no reason to shag them when they practice poor hygiene and are crap in bed.

Also, MN is not a ‘safe space’: it’s the internet!

dayouttobangor · 12/12/2021 11:37

I read you have decided to stick it out for a while. Set a deadline and stick to it.

The inadequacies in the bedroom would be the deciding factor were I in your place.

Journeynotdestination · 12/12/2021 11:39

I don’t think you are shallow at all, I’m bemused at people here bashing you! The sex would be hard for me to accept… clothes can be changed over time. I’d keep him as a date for now, go really slow on the relationship stuff and see if you can talk to him when you get the opportunities. Don’t commit to him until you are happy you can be compatible long term.

KatherineJaneway · 12/12/2021 13:10

A really old jumper that smelt of BO and was dirty

I'd be ending it just on this alone

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/12/2021 13:25

He really hasn't a clue in either area has he .
He might be short of money though with regards to the clothes. The sex can be worked on nobody is very food at pleasing the other a short time in it takes work. But I would get rid of him simply because he stank of body odour that is absolutely not called for .

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/12/2021 13:26

Good not food ffs.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 12/12/2021 13:34

I think women have a very low bar. If you’re not sure 1 month in then just don’t bother. I’ve been there - you aren’t that into him. Save yourself the wasted time.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 12/12/2021 13:40

So because you've had disappointing experiences with men in the past you are prepared to stick with a bloke who's dirty and smells rather than be in your own.
Bloody hell, get some self respect.

hivemindneeded · 12/12/2021 13:45

Is he short of money? The clothes you describe sound like either he is flat broke or he lacks adult awareness of the basics: how to wash, launder clothes, buy clothes, dress himself - which isn't appealing.

What's your proof of his heart of gold? Have you seen him be uncommonly generous and kind to others or to you?

Novasmummy · 12/12/2021 13:52

He's a shit shag and his clothes give you the ick. Save yourself some trouble and throw this one back already. You are not compatible

Avarua · 12/12/2021 13:53

What's his house and bedroom like? If he can't look after that either (eg clean sheets clothes out away etc) then dump immediately.

The other stuff may be a confidence thing. I have a lovely male friend who dresses appallingly but is a really nice guy and successful professionally.

amnm · 12/12/2021 14:12

I think you're being quite selfish and controlling. His dress sense isn't up to you to control and if he's happy with the way he dresses, that isn't up to you to change it.

Cocomarine · 12/12/2021 14:14

@amnm it’s selfish and controlling to not want your boyfriend to stink of BO? Really?

Negligee · 12/12/2021 14:15

@amnm

I think you're being quite selfish and controlling. His dress sense isn't up to you to control and if he's happy with the way he dresses, that isn't up to you to change it.
Yes, it’s terribly selfish of the OP not to be thrilled with her date showing up in filthy, BO-smelling clothes that are much too small for him. The idea. Hmm
Kanaloa · 12/12/2021 14:40

Well that’s a massive drip feed from ‘I don’t love his clothes’ to ‘he wears dirty clothes that don’t fit him and he smells.’ Obviously that’s a totally different issue from disliking someone’s dress sense.

It sounds like you’re incompatible. Dump him.

Ineedaduvetday · 12/12/2021 17:48

The thing is he's got a heart of gold and makes me laugh

But smells and can't keep his clothes clean.

DrSbaitso · 12/12/2021 17:51

@Shawaddywaddeee

Thank you for all your comments 🙂 Even if some are a bit harsh 🙈

I don't think this needs to become about "if a man said that about a woman" etc
Because this is meant to be a safe space where people are able to reach out and get advice..

He turned up the other day wearing..
A really old jumper that smelt of BO and was dirty
Tracksuit bottoms that were as tight as leggings, too short for him with bright red socks and battered old trainers
an old parka coat that again is too small for him and short on the body and arms (he's quite tall)
It's almost comical/ endearing
But it's not very enticing :-/

The sex thing..he just does the basics... finger, stick it in, over within 5 minutes (not exaggerating)

I know you're giving him a bit more of a chance, OP. You're a better woman than I am. I might be able to deal with the clothes as they're quite easy to change, but the rest...
esloquehay · 12/12/2021 17:58

You're sexually incompatible (it's so shitty when someone says another person isn't good in bed) and you don't like his clothes.
End it.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 12/12/2021 18:02

When I met dh his clothes were work clothes (shorts and trousers) and diabolical work on his car stuff. And jeans and a few awful jumpers...
And when we moved in together I refused his Jesus sandals wardrobe space. ...
His sex repertoire wasn't great.
Worked on the sex with lots of practice and he is now amazing - I was happy to spell out my needs!! And his clothes are better too!!
Sometimes he needs a prob to bin a holey item.
But he was always freshly showered. Always.

Imissmoominmama · 12/12/2021 18:08

He sounds like he would be a really great friend.

MrsLighthouse · 12/12/2021 18:19

If you’re doing a “tick-list” on him , he’s not the ONE . Let him go…to someone that likes him just as he is.

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 12/12/2021 18:20

@Newduvet

Shallow Hal.
Yep
DrSbaitso · 12/12/2021 18:36

If it's shallow to want your date to wear clean clothes, not smell and do more than stick a finger for foreplay, I'm shallow and absolute fine about it.

If we're going to do the "flip the sexes" thing, how many men would continue to date a woman who wore an ugly, ill-fitting and smelly dress and was terrible in bed? And how many would feel bad if they didn't?

And how many other men would moralistically berate them as terrible people if they didn't?

ThinWomansBrain · 12/12/2021 18:48

do they still make action men dolls?
You could go buy one and play dressing up games.

TheCreamCaker · 12/12/2021 18:52

You sound incredibly shallow. What if he hates your make-up/hair/shoes? Would you expect to be dumped or told what to change?