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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating... Great guy but hate his clothes

146 replies

Shawaddywaddeee · 12/12/2021 02:33

AIBU?

Met a lovely guy, only been dating about a month
He's funny, kind, genuine, honest, generous
But
He's not great in bed and his dress sense is awful

Can these things be changed?
Or do you think I should just finish it now?

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 12/12/2021 10:13

You made it sound like he just wore last year’s cut of jeans 🤣
Christ - he’s dirty 🤮
And the sex? How has he responded to you telling him what you want?

potoforchids · 12/12/2021 10:13

It's not appropriate for you to expect him to change how he dresses for you, but if you're not compatible sexually then move on.

colouringindoors · 12/12/2021 10:13

Yikes OP your update is 😯

I'm not sure I'd carry on, mainly for the sex side, but also basic hygiene!!

Funnylittlefloozie · 12/12/2021 10:15

He's dirty and crap in bed. Why are your standards so low that you would tolerate this? Throw him back and find someone who respects you.

christmaskittenincoming · 12/12/2021 10:16

Quirky dresser - ok could get use to, dirty clothes - absolutely not

The sex sounds grim

TimeForTeaAndG · 12/12/2021 10:19

How did you even get as far as finding out the sex was bad?! He sounds unclean!

Bin him. Life is too short for project relationships.

AnnieJ1985 · 12/12/2021 10:20

DH used to wear horrible Wrangler jeans that managed to make him look dumpier and wider than he actually was, but at least he was clean! He doesn't sound very invested in a possible relationship if he isn't willing to put on a clean jumper for the first few dates. What will he wear when you get to the slobby/comfy stage?

Cheerbear24 · 12/12/2021 10:21

@Shawaddywaddeee

Thank you for all your comments 🙂 Even if some are a bit harsh 🙈

I don't think this needs to become about "if a man said that about a woman" etc
Because this is meant to be a safe space where people are able to reach out and get advice..

He turned up the other day wearing..
A really old jumper that smelt of BO and was dirty
Tracksuit bottoms that were as tight as leggings, too short for him with bright red socks and battered old trainers
an old parka coat that again is too small for him and short on the body and arms (he's quite tall)
It's almost comical/ endearing
But it's not very enticing :-/

The sex thing..he just does the basics... finger, stick it in, over within 5 minutes (not exaggerating)

I was prepared to say you are being to shallow, but this sounds awful. BO on its own would be bad enough. Dump him. How have you not got the ick already?
daisydoh · 12/12/2021 10:25

Haha OP my DH dress sense I hated for years we have how been together 12 years and he finally gets it and dresses beautifully! I fancy him a whole lot more now he takes more pride in his appearance.

It can change if you push hard enough and tell him to change!!

Yellowhighheels · 12/12/2021 10:29

Read this with interest as I met someone like this a while ago. Seeing your update I'm wondering if it is the same guy! First initial A?

I initially thought you meant he was just a bit unstylish but no, he's unwashed and turns up to see you smelling.

This won't change. I tried being polite but blunt with the scruff I knew as he liked me a lot and was kind, but I knew I wasn't going to tolerate BO and actually, pee smells. He had plenty of money so it wasn't that he had no choice.

He ended up buying cheap, ill fitting versions of everything I suggested, and they all soon ended up filthy and smelling, worn in odd combinations. This was a very successful man, work and education wise, not someone in dire straits.

I would just let him know 'in a relationship, I need a man who washes regularly and wears clean clothes. If you can't do that, then I wish you the best finding someone who doesn't require it'. Don't fanny about trying to get a grown man to start washing. If he was just a bit of a sloppy dresser that might be different.

Coldenough · 12/12/2021 10:33

If you’re not exaggerating when you say he was wearing a dirty jumper smelling of BO and leggings with red socks, then you should have just gone home.

Oneforthemoneytwo · 12/12/2021 10:39

He doesn’t sound like a keeper. There’s a big difference between clothes you aren’t keen on and dirty Ill fitting ones. Also in my experience of the sex is purely functional it can be hard to change

helterskelters · 12/12/2021 10:47

I just read your update, nope nope nope! I couldn't be dealing with BO and tatty clothes, especially if it's a new relationship, they should be making an effort. I mean is the chemistry there? The crap sex would definitely put me off too!

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/12/2021 10:48

I would have said consider working at it, as both things are improveable. UNTIL I read your update! Jeezo, he sounds disrespectful and lazy - the sex sounds awful - bin him.

FrancescaContini · 12/12/2021 10:50

Not great in bed?? Ditch!

Original poster
Shawaddywaddeee · 12/12/2021 10:54

Thank you for the messages

The thing is he's got a heart of gold and makes me laugh

And yes after years of online dating and a lot of disappointment these things stand for a lot x

I suppose I was hoping to hear of stories where these things have got better with time

I'm going to stick it out and see if things get better. If not then I think I'll have to walk as it's not fair on him x

OP posts:
CouldThisReallyBe · 12/12/2021 10:54

@Thatldo

This guy is probably sitting in a pub with his mates now and tells his mates:I mate a nice woman,she is fun to be with,but she is also very shallow and it puts me of sex really.should I dump her now or tell her,unless she can change her shallow attitude towards life,there is no relationship.
This this this
Whatwouldscullydo · 12/12/2021 10:55

You don't owe him anything its been a month. Of you aren't compatible then bin him. Stop wasting his time and yours. Preferably before you are both emotionally invested.

Its not the clothes then really more that he's dirty. Yeah unless he works on a building site and hops in the shower as soon as he's home then he's just grubby.

This isn't a 20 yr marriage where you should work it out if possible Its 4 weeks. If its not fun. Stop.

TimeForTeaAndG · 12/12/2021 11:02

A month in you should both still be making efforts to be the best version of yourselves. So if this is his best... Confused

I've just had a hideous thought that if that's what he look like, what sort of state is his house in? Does he change his bedsheets? Does he HAVE bedsheets?!?! Towels? Envy not envy.

Newduvet · 12/12/2021 11:23

Shallow Hal.

Negligee · 12/12/2021 11:25

@TimeForTeaAndG

A month in you should both still be making efforts to be the best version of yourselves. So if this is his best... Confused

I've just had a hideous thought that if that's what he look like, what sort of state is his house in? Does he change his bedsheets? Does he HAVE bedsheets?!?! Towels? Envy not envy.

Exactly. Look, OP, if the dirty, BO-smelling jumper and much too small tracksuit bottoms were his idea of an effort for early dates, what will happen when he ‘dresses down’ when he’s not making an effort? He clearly has godawful personal hygiene — to the point where I’m baffled that you slept with him!— and yes, what about his sheets, living space etc?

And @NinaDefoe, for all your ‘flip the sexes’ point, I’ve yet to encounter a situation where a woman shows up for a first date wearing filthy, smelly clothes that are too small for her, unless she had significant MH problems.

Whatwouldscullydo · 12/12/2021 11:28

Shallow Hal

People are allowed to find ithers unattractive. I'm.single fat and the wrong sode of 40 so 99.9.percent of people won't even look my way. Amd I'm.yet to meet the 0.1 percent of people who will.

I.still.domt need some pity shag out of some.moral.obligation someone feels.pressured into so not to be considered an arsehole.

Yellowhighheels · 12/12/2021 11:30

@Shawaddywaddeee

Thank you for the messages

The thing is he's got a heart of gold and makes me laugh

And yes after years of online dating and a lot of disappointment these things stand for a lot x

I suppose I was hoping to hear of stories where these things have got better with time

I'm going to stick it out and see if things get better. If not then I think I'll have to walk as it's not fair on him x

God, I hear you about OLD. If he's genuinely really nice, on your wavelength, and what you want, aside from these issues, I would suggest a frank conversation. The bloke I met, if I'm honest, wasn't ever going to be the love of my life, I just thought we could maybe make it work as he was kind and decent.

It's a difficult convo to have but at least you'll know you tried. And if hes unwashed etc then you're doing him a favour, this isn't about personal preference, or trying to make him fit a mould, it's about respect for the people around him.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 12/12/2021 11:32

God.

Dozer · 12/12/2021 11:33

‘Stick it out’ When he wears things that smell and his sex technique is ‘stick it in’?

Raise your expectations!