Page 2 | Dating... Great guy but hate his clothes

Monty27 · 12/12/2021 05:47

OP were you his type? Sounds like he wasn't yours.
No need to rip the bollox out of it, so to speak.
I hope he's more respectful if he speaks about you.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 12/12/2021 05:48

@madisonbridges

This morning my boyfriend sat me down and said, "I think you're a really great person but I don't really like to be seen out with you so I need you to overhaul your wardrobe to dress more in a style I like. Oh and you need to put out a bit more in bed and think of my needs. If you do both of these things, I'm prepared to carry on seeing you." What do you think I should do?

Cue MN heads going 🤯

Got that OP?

Any man is better than no man, so whatever you do, don’t dump him, especially this early in the game.

God know what might happen - you might end up single?!?

Or worse, with someone you’re compatible with…..!!!!

EnidFrighten · 12/12/2021 05:58

Is he confident? There's a big difference in someone who has their own dress taste that you don't like, versus someone dress shabbily or haphazardly but would secretly like a few pointers.

The same with sex - is he shy but willing to learn, or thinks he's god's gift but really it's like being with a slobby octopus?

Capricopia · 12/12/2021 06:06

Can you be bothered with a project? Do you think he would accept constructive criticism? Are you confident about your ability to tell him he’s bad in bed? You need to have a think about these things before you commit to trying to rehabilitate him.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 12/12/2021 06:40

DH wore terrible clothes when we met. Not sure why. He’s a massive nerd and my theory is he just wears clothes for practical reasons.

Over time, I gently bought him clothes and suggested wearing things that matched. His sister commented on how much better he looked and thanked me for sorting him out.

I think it’s a reason why he didn’t have a girlfriend. He’s a handsome chap and was camouflaged by hideous clothes. He prefers the way he looks now.

Panacotta · 12/12/2021 06:59

@NynaeveSedai

Why would you keep dating someone who isn't good in bed though?

This!

JennyForeigner · 12/12/2021 07:12

Give him a Boden catalogue, and if you think the sex thing is comparative inexperience, three months. If you still feel the game is worth the candle, add the number of a decent sex therapist.

The relationship might not survive but he'll thank you in the end.

Goatinthegarden · 12/12/2021 07:18

I once dated a nice guy in my early twenties. He had very plain clothes and trainers on on our first few dates. Then one day he turned up in a multi coloured poncho. The next time, he had black shoes that looked like little boy’s school shoes with a big round toe. I’m afraid I was very shallow and it was a major factor in not seeing him again. He’s a very successful architect now and he was lovely, so I’m sure he’ll have made a lovely partner for someone else.

Whataday21 · 12/12/2021 07:22

I've worked on boyfriends when we were in our 20s and they were clueless about clothes and inexperienced sexually, but I could not be arsed being with someone in their 40s like this. I haven't got the energy.

Thegreencup · 12/12/2021 07:23

This isn't the man with the pleather cap again is it?!

How my Husband dresses is not how I would dress. He prefers casual sports wear and I like smarter clothes. And yes I have one who wears shorts year round.

I don't care. He knows when to dress for the occasion. He's not turning up to a wedding in a North Face hoody or a funeral in his shorts.

The sex thing is more of the issue here. Crap in bed could be read as just doesn't know what you like yet. Is he willing to listen to suggestions? Willing to try new things? If yes, keep him. If he ignores that then bin him off.

malificent7 · 12/12/2021 07:23

I don't think you can educate anyone to have good sex. If there is real spark there then the sex will be good. Sounds like the spark isn't quite strong enough. If it was you would not care about the clothes one bit ( they'd be off most of the time anyway!).

Interrobanger · 12/12/2021 07:28

The first qualities you list will make you like him.

The second list will turn you off him.

Clothing is easy enough to fix if you can be arsed investing the effort.

But why is he crap in bed? Is he clueless and needs guidance (again, can you be arsed?). Or has he watched too much porn and thinks Jack-hammering your dry vagina for three minutes should make you orgasm?

stalkersaga · 12/12/2021 07:35

The clothes wouldn't bother me. The sex one. Again, depending on whether we're talking "inexperienced but eager and open to direction" or "selfish and thinks you're weird for not writhing in ecstasy at 3 mins of jackhammering".

stalkersaga · 12/12/2021 07:35

*The sex WOULD.

Jacaranda75 · 12/12/2021 07:37

My DH is crap in bed and has awful dress sense. We’ve still been happily married for 20 years though .

sjxoxo · 12/12/2021 07:43

I think both can be changed.. it’s possible he’s happy with his dress sense as is as pp’s have suggested but it’s also happy he’s not! My DH wasn’t great clothing wise when we met but learning what suits you and dressing for some occasions is a habit that is learnt and he was quite happy to look for new ideas and change his wardrobe a bit. I think many men don’t get taught the same habits as women growing up- how to look put together, appropriate work attire for different scenarios etc. He also did a lot of sport so lives in sports kit- he literally didn’t know how to dress for an office or smart interview! He was actually lacking in confidence and know how or even where to go to buy particular styles of clothing what shops etc. So possible he is happy already or possible he is a bit lost with it and might welcome some advice and more confidence!

The sex is a different issue- depends on why it’s not great- selfish or just doesn’t work for you? This one could be trickier I think but not necessarily bin him over it xox

Goawayangryman · 12/12/2021 07:44

I know some people have managed to change crap sex but to me it is a bit of a marker that they are generally not so in tune with other people. I wouldn't want a sexual project.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/12/2021 08:37

The number of people who think its absolutely fine to either change his dress style, or teach him what suits him is amazing. If it was a woman you were talking about the answer would be she should wear what she likes and is comfortable wearing regardless of whether it matched, suited her or was even season appropriate

NinaDefoe · 12/12/2021 10:02

@Capricopia

Can you be bothered with a project? Do you think he would accept constructive criticism? Are you confident about your ability to tell him he’s bad in bed? You need to have a think about these things before you commit to trying to rehabilitate him.

I wonder if the OP considers herself a ‘project’ ? There are quite a few people here who seem to think they are in some way better than this man. Maybe he can’t stand your dress sense and think you’re a bit Meh in bed OP?

I wonder if his OP would go something like this? Probably not because he sounds like a decent guy.

Met a lovely woman, only been dating about a month. She’s funny, kind, genuine, honest, generous but she’s not great in bed and her dress sense is awful.
Can these things be changed?
Or do you think I should just finish it now?

Original poster

Shawaddywaddeee · 12/12/2021 10:03

Thank you for all your comments 🙂
Even if some are a bit harsh 🙈

I don't think this needs to become about "if a man said that about a woman" etc
Because this is meant to be a safe space where people are able to reach out and get advice..

He turned up the other day wearing..
A really old jumper that smelt of BO and was dirty
Tracksuit bottoms that were as tight as leggings, too short for him with bright red socks and battered old trainers
an old parka coat that again is too small for him and short on the body and arms (he's quite tall)
It's almost comical/ endearing
But it's not very enticing :-/

The sex thing..he just does the basics... finger, stick it in, over within 5 minutes (not exaggerating)

OP posts:

stalkersaga · 12/12/2021 10:07

I still think the sex is the bigger problem. What does he say when you point out (not that you should have to) that you didn't get off?

Gargellen · 12/12/2021 10:08

Shize.

Bin.

Gargellen · 12/12/2021 10:09

That's not just bad at dressing and sex. That's total lack of respect.

NinaDefoe · 12/12/2021 10:11

I don't think this needs to become about "if a man said that about a woman" etc
It’s a legitimate question.

Because this is meant to be a safe space where people are able to reach out and get advice.
MN isn’t exactly a ‘safe space’ OP. Gentle advice is not most poster’s strong point. Have you not been here long?

Sounds like he
a) hasn’t got much money
b) isn’t very good when it comes to self care

Or both.

ElectraBlue · 12/12/2021 10:11

What does 'not good in bed mean'? it takes two to tango...

It can take a while to get to know a new partner and understand what they like sexually and nerves and inexperience can get in the way.

Men are not mind readers...if you like him and want to keep him try giving him a few directions on how to please you! I always think that when you meet someone new it is like learning again because each body/mind is different.

If it doe not work after that then at least you would have tried.

As for the clothes, that is really. really superficial.

He sounds like a good guy who needs a bit of help. I would prefer this scenario that the endless parade of players, timewasters, liars, porn addicts and misogynist who seem to dominate the dating scene these days.