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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to lie to DD just so that we don't offend other people's religious and cultural sentiments?

380 replies

AliveAndSleeping · 11/12/2021 22:18

I (and the majority of people) don't believe in this. We know it's not true. I have told DD that I don't believe in it but it's a nice story based loosely on history and that some others do believe it. She can make Up her own mind.

However, now the country I live in has very strong feelings on this matter. I feel that because of peer pressure I need to tell DD either that it is true or ask her to keep quiet about it or her friends will feel bad. I'm worried that if she'll voice her disbelief in the existence of this entity both the other kids and their parents will be offended and possibly ostracise her for it. I'm not exaggerating. Even the Catholic diocese had to apologise today for the comments of one of its bishops who inadvertently told kids the truth.

I'm tempted to lie to her just so that she won't offend anyone. I really don't want to. I don't think I should have to.

What would you do? Would you pretend that Santa exists even though you know that's not true? I love Christmas. I love all the Christmas traditions. The lights, the decorations, advent calendars, Christmas cookies. Even Christmas carols.
Why do kids need to believe in a mythical figure to make christmas magical? Isn't the other stuff enough? If it was any other religious or cultural sentiment would I be expected to lie and go against my beliefs to enable other people to continue with their deceit?

OP posts:
MooseBreath · 11/12/2021 23:52

Along the same vein of believing or not believing in God, you can tell your child that you don't believe or that God doesn't exist. But you also tell them that they need to respect the fact that their friends may be religious. You wouldn't tell a Christian/Jew/Muslim/etc that their God doesn't exist, same principle.

Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 11/12/2021 23:53

@LublinToDublin

Like I said. I think Christmas is pretty joyful, anyway with all the fun activities you can do. Why do you need to make up stuff (and more importantly why do I need to make up stuff? I'm not really bothered If others do it)

OP do you jot see the hypocrisy in what you've written?

Christmas time only exists because of shared beliefs - whether they're Pagan or Christian. Your 'magical' time wouldn't exist without the beliefs. You don't have to share them, but to fail to accept their fundamental role in the celebration is illogical.

If you don't want to 'do Santa' then don't! But to suggest that other people's shared joy in the process spoils your enjoyment of Christmas is self indulgent bollocks.

"But to suggest that other people's shared joy in the process spoils your enjoyment of Christmas is self indulgent bollocks."

You completely and utterly didn't understand what I wrote. At all. Let's not discuss this anymore. You and me obviously are talking past each other.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2021 23:53

@ldontWanna

It's a really sad thought isn't it? Poor wee mites that wish hard and believe if they're good that hear, things will change... then it doesn't happen 😞 Much better those kids know the truth IMO.

Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 11/12/2021 23:53

@CherryBlossomAutumn

Might as well kill the tooth fairy too.

Sad

Err... Hmm
OP posts:
slaybellsringing · 11/12/2021 23:54

We don't believe cos we're Muslim but whenever a child of mine has come home from school and excitedly told me/dh/older siblings about Santa, we've all just played along but never mention him otherwise. We have a Christmas tree and do a Christmas dinner and we do presents (but not loads because we have 2 eids) etc etc, but they've all known the presents are from mummy and daddy and they've never really asked if Santa has been or whatever.

I honestly think the more of an issue you make of it the more your child will pay attention to it. My older dc are now 12 and 9 and they're both mature, independent minded girls and they both know. The 9 year old will still pretend to believe in the tooth fairy for the quid though. 😂

I really hope there are no children reading this thread! It's just abit of magic innit.

NoSquirrels · 11/12/2021 23:54

I've told DD that some kids might feel bad and she should probably keep quiet about it so she doesn't hurt their feelings or ruin their Christmas and she found it surprising because Ive also told her (in another discussion) that it's always ok to speak the truth even if it's uncomfortable (when discussing another topic..)

Ah, OK.

So really you’re just running up against ‘politeness’ vs ‘brutal honesty’.

It may be factually accurate to say that dearest great-Grandma smells funny, but it is not polite in order to spare her feelings.

Sometimes, in fact, it is not “OK” to speak the truth. You might be from a culture that’s funds this less socially problematic than the Brits, but guess?

Bingomangoes · 11/12/2021 23:54

I only know one adult raised in our culture who's parents didn't let her believe in Father Christmas as a child (they were academics high up in their respective fields and considered FC an unacceptable lie) anyway with her own kids she's gone all in on the magic of Father Christmas as she feels she really missed out. Kids love to pretend, they enjoy believing in magic, I don't understand why this thread happens every year.

PinkTonic · 11/12/2021 23:59

No, it's not something that i felt that strongly about at that time. It came up in conversation. Don't you talk to your kids? Have your kids never asked you about Santa?

I just don’t understand your angst about Father Christmas when your school age child in the UK is very likely to be mixing with children with a wide range of cultural traditions and beliefs. Whatever you say to her about not being rude and dismissive about them also applies.

EdenFlower · 12/12/2021 00:00

This 'being lied to' thing is weird in my book. I can't imagine that when children are old enough to know that Santa was made up that the only thing they take from it is that their parents lied to them. I certainly didn't and I'm pretty sure my dd didn't. Any child with any intelligence will be able to appreciate that their parents created a magical theme for them to believe in and will understand that it was done with the best intent and reflect on those years with fondness. The fact that most parents who grew up with believing in Santa also recreate that magic for their own children is testament this.

JHMJHM · 12/12/2021 00:00

@AliveAndSleeping yes i think it probably is unusual but it doesnt make it wrong. I 'lie'to my kids all the time about all sorts of things that are not age appropriate. They arent my mates they are my kids who are at the start of a long learning journey. I dont discuss much with them. Not wanting to sound like a preachy dick but i feel my role is to listen to them not to 'discuss' my beliefs. I certainly couldnt have cared less about my parents beliefs when i was a kid. Said it earlier upthread but in our primary the parents that kind of wierdly prided themselves on being 'honest' with their kids about FC at that age weren't seen as progressive or rad just a bit irritating and tedious. Sorry OP that is def the way it is and I understand you dont agree.

Mocara · 12/12/2021 00:01

Oscar winning , preformance parenting ! Using your child to get attention, there are no words other than poor child .

Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 12/12/2021 00:02

@youvegottenminuteslynn

A bit sad nobody seems open to at least empathising with the viewpoint I tried to explain upthread. It does make it hard for some parents.

I'm not saying everyone should do one thing or the other, but I think the people saying it's awful kids don't experience the magic of Santa don't take into account the kids who experience feeling they must not have been 'good' enough as their friends get lots from him and they don't. In those cases I think it's very understandable parents explain that some people believe in Santa but he isn't real, but it's best not to tell people you know he's not. And reasonable to expect parents not to be livid if that kid slips up and other kids find out the truth.

I agree with you but I don't think that's the only reason why someone might not want to tell their child the truth about Santa.
OP posts:
Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 12/12/2021 00:03

Sorry I meant: "I agree with you but I don't think that's the only reason why someone might not want to tell their child the truth about Santa."

OP posts:
HardbackWriter · 12/12/2021 00:05

I don't understand why people keep comparing it to religion. While obviously it's not ok for a child from an atheist family to say to a child from a religious one 'your god is made-up and you're silly to think he's real!', it's absolutely fine for them to say that they themselves don't believe in god. Absolutely no one thinks that you have to teach your child god is real if you don't believe in religion to make sure they don't 'ruin it' for the religious kids. But as OP has said - and this thread proves her right - people do demand that for Santa.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2021 00:07

@AliveAndSleeping

Sorry I meant: "I agree with you but I don't think that's the only reason why someone might not want to tell their child the truth about Santa."
I realised you meant to delete the 'not' don't worry 😊

Just an angle I don't feel people consider enough, especially as it makes parents who tell the truth for that reason feel even shitter they are apparently not giving their children the 'magic of Christmas' even if they do loads of other lovely stuff together and make the children feel loved and happy which is the most important thing.

Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 12/12/2021 00:07

@Mocara

Oscar winning , preformance parenting ! Using your child to get attention, there are no words other than poor child .
Please believe me when I say that no parent parents for the sake of other people's attention or approval. I'm not sure who your post was meant for but I am sure that neither the parents who play along with the Santa pretense nor the parents who don't play along do it for the sake of your opinion.

It's incredibly, incredibly arrogant to believe that.

OP posts:
Herewegoagain84 · 12/12/2021 00:07

Way over thinking. It’s a magical tradition that all children (and parents) enjoy for a very short period of their lives. No lasting damage! Some things just don’t need the over analysis, otherwise we might as well just all be dead.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 12/12/2021 00:09

DS is 16 but has SLD and I will continue to lie my arse off about Father Christmas.

The joy & excitement on his face IS magical

Landof · 12/12/2021 00:11

I think YABU on the whole.
It doesn't really matter what you do in regards to santa but I think comparing it to religion is strange tbh.
I am NOT religious but I understand that many people are and I suppose we can't know for a fact whether there is or isn't a god (I believe there isn't, but I know many do)
Whereas Santa 100% isn't real. We know this for a fact because we, as adults, fill the stockings.
I loved santa growing up, I never felt scared about a strange man coming in the house, he was just magical and I wasn't scarred for life. I don't know many people who don't do santa tbh. It's just a wonderful part of childhood and only lasts a few years really.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/12/2021 00:12

To those twats who say they won't lie to their children; I'm intrigued.
When your two year old comes home with a 'drawing' - do you say 'well that's rubbish' because saying 'that's marvellous' would obviously be a lie.
What about when they first learn to swim and do doggy paddle 'well, it wasn't very good was it? Your technique was terrible.'
Etc etc

HardbackWriter · 12/12/2021 00:14

@arethereanyleftatall

To those twats who say they won't lie to their children; I'm intrigued. When your two year old comes home with a 'drawing' - do you say 'well that's rubbish' because saying 'that's marvellous' would obviously be a lie. What about when they first learn to swim and do doggy paddle 'well, it wasn't very good was it? Your technique was terrible.' Etc etc
In both examples you obviously praise them for the effort they've made? Reading this thread I'm absolutely baffled by how some people parent.
Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 12/12/2021 00:15

@HardbackWriter

I don't understand why people keep comparing it to religion. While obviously it's not ok for a child from an atheist family to say to a child from a religious one 'your god is made-up and you're silly to think he's real!', it's absolutely fine for them to say that they themselves don't believe in god. Absolutely no one thinks that you have to teach your child god is real if you don't believe in religion to make sure they don't 'ruin it' for the religious kids. But as OP has said - and this thread proves her right - people do demand that for Santa.
Umm yes, thank you. You said it better than me. Can I edit my op and paste your post instead? Grin

I don't mind anyone believing in Santa or telling their kids that Santa is real. I mind if I have to tell MY kids that Santa is real when I don't want to do that. DD is 5. She's not nasty but she thinks aloud and she talks a lot (really a lot.
.but that's another thread on MNGrin). She might let it slip that her mum said that Santa isn't real. I don't want her to face conflict with her friends because of that and I don't want parents to get annoyed with me or with DD or avoid us or think we are weird (or cruel, performance parenting, joyless, etc.. basically what people on this thread have said..)

OP posts:
gogohm · 12/12/2021 00:16

Earlier this week Santa/Father Christmas drove past our house on a float. Seeing my neighbours young kids' faces made life feel great despite all the gloom and doom. Magical. You want to deprive children of that feeling of pure joy? My neighbours dd handed in hers and her younger brothers letters to Santa helpers (every child gets a handwritten reply and a chocolate coin!) she's not getting the pony she's asked for though because Santa can't bring live animals!!! (My dd kindly explained she was told the same thing which seemed to help)

arethereanyleftatall · 12/12/2021 00:17

Seriously @HardbackWriter
If your three year old presents you with a scribble, you'd say 'nice try' rather than 'that's marvellous'?
That's unusual to say the least.

JayDot500 · 12/12/2021 00:17

@arethereanyleftatall

To those twats who say they won't lie to their children; I'm intrigued. When your two year old comes home with a 'drawing' - do you say 'well that's rubbish' because saying 'that's marvellous' would obviously be a lie. What about when they first learn to swim and do doggy paddle 'well, it wasn't very good was it? Your technique was terrible.' Etc etc
Hope you enjoyed that massive stretch.
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