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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to lie to DD just so that we don't offend other people's religious and cultural sentiments?

380 replies

AliveAndSleeping · 11/12/2021 22:18

I (and the majority of people) don't believe in this. We know it's not true. I have told DD that I don't believe in it but it's a nice story based loosely on history and that some others do believe it. She can make Up her own mind.

However, now the country I live in has very strong feelings on this matter. I feel that because of peer pressure I need to tell DD either that it is true or ask her to keep quiet about it or her friends will feel bad. I'm worried that if she'll voice her disbelief in the existence of this entity both the other kids and their parents will be offended and possibly ostracise her for it. I'm not exaggerating. Even the Catholic diocese had to apologise today for the comments of one of its bishops who inadvertently told kids the truth.

I'm tempted to lie to her just so that she won't offend anyone. I really don't want to. I don't think I should have to.

What would you do? Would you pretend that Santa exists even though you know that's not true? I love Christmas. I love all the Christmas traditions. The lights, the decorations, advent calendars, Christmas cookies. Even Christmas carols.
Why do kids need to believe in a mythical figure to make christmas magical? Isn't the other stuff enough? If it was any other religious or cultural sentiment would I be expected to lie and go against my beliefs to enable other people to continue with their deceit?

OP posts:
JHMJHM · 11/12/2021 23:21

Edge lord klaxon made me actually LOL

MeltedButter · 11/12/2021 23:23

"It's just Santa where people get so fundamentalist about it."

Where are you?! I've never encountered this fundamentalist approach

RampantIvy · 11/12/2021 23:23

Does this mean that your child won't get a stocking on Christmas morning?

JayDot500 · 11/12/2021 23:23

@Suzanne999

So maybe children shouldn’t read or be read stories containing fairies, giants, elves, pixies ? And we’d have to cut out all mythology. And even Harry Potter would have to bite the dust because you can’t have wizards…….. Childhood would be a very sad, impoverished time.

I don’t think any child has ever been harmed by believing in Father Christmas and then discovering he isn’t real.

Maybe the ones who see him on TV making promises their parent can't keep? And then being expected to keep the lie going for the kiddies/their friends who do believe and have little reason to doubt?

I'm not hugely against the whole Santa thing, but I am completely against parents kicking off about it when their kid learns the truth.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 11/12/2021 23:23

Fuck me not this again.

Just10moreminutesplease · 11/12/2021 23:23

You teach her to respect other people’s beliefs like you would with anything else.

I don’t understand all the handwringing with this.

All you have to do is teach her that some children believe in Santa and others don’t. But that this doesn’t matter as long as we are all kind to each other.

Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 11/12/2021 23:23

@Ellen888

So OP, Do I take it that the Tooth Fairy doesn't come to your house, you don't have fairies at the bottom of the garden, and every book you have about fictional characters will be made into a funeral pyre?

The Loch Ness Monster won't take too kindly to being cancelled either...Hmm

I love fantasy books. I don't need to believe that I have a viable career in teaching defense against the dark arts or spend my life looking for a ring to enjoy them.

Funnily enough I can talk to my kids as well about the difference between fiction and reality.

I assume you don't believe in orcs and even your kids might not. Would you burn lord of the rings?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2021 23:23

@Suzanne999

So maybe children shouldn’t read or be read stories containing fairies, giants, elves, pixies ? And we’d have to cut out all mythology. And even Harry Potter would have to bite the dust because you can’t have wizards…….. Childhood would be a very sad, impoverished time.

I don’t think any child has ever been harmed by believing in Father Christmas and then discovering he isn’t real.

Eh? Unless children are told a Harry Potter book is a biography that's not comparable at all!
DdraigGoch · 11/12/2021 23:24

@LuluBlakey1

Well I believe in the Loch Ness monster and house elves (I have asked DH to find one for me for Christmas). I doubt I will ever see either of these things but I so hope I do. Are we not allowed a little bit of hope and belief in magical things.
I believe in the Washing Up Fairies. I've not actually seen any sign of them, but I live in hope...
JHMJHM · 11/12/2021 23:24

@LittleDandelionClock dont understand the doughnut?

Cyrilgoggin · 11/12/2021 23:24

I took my 6 year old grandson to see Santa last night. His excitement on the way there and the way his eyes lit up when he saw Santa was magical.

I had terrible parents but even I remember the excitement of waiting for Santa as a child. Im nearly 60.

See it through the eyes of a child.

NoSquirrels · 11/12/2021 23:26

I'm worried that dd inadvertently will ruin some poor kid's Christmas, have their parents be mad at me and / or lose a friendship.

Your DD won’t lose a friendship over Christmas beliefs - it’ll be old news in January.

If you have parents mad at you they’re not worth worrying about.

Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 11/12/2021 23:27

@Just10moreminutesplease

You teach her to respect other people’s beliefs like you would with anything else.

I don’t understand all the handwringing with this.

All you have to do is teach her that some children believe in Santa and others don’t. But that this doesn’t matter as long as we are all kind to each other.

If it was just so easy. Early in October her friend thought it's Halloween. DD said it's the last day of October. Friend got angry and cried bitterly and didn't want to be friends anymore. DD felt terrible.

It happens. What I don't understand is parents telling their kids that some random stuff (and in many places this is pretty random) and then expecting other people to keep up the lies.

OP posts:
hotfroth · 11/12/2021 23:27

I spent at least two Christmases knowing... but not telling my parents because I didn't want to spoil it for them. Grin

Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 11/12/2021 23:28

@NoSquirrels

I'm worried that dd inadvertently will ruin some poor kid's Christmas, have their parents be mad at me and / or lose a friendship.

Your DD won’t lose a friendship over Christmas beliefs - it’ll be old news in January.

If you have parents mad at you they’re not worth worrying about.

Thank you. I hope so.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2021 23:28

@Cyrilgoggin

I took my 6 year old grandson to see Santa last night. His excitement on the way there and the way his eyes lit up when he saw Santa was magical.

I had terrible parents but even I remember the excitement of waiting for Santa as a child. Im nearly 60.

See it through the eyes of a child.

This is lovely and probably the experience of lots of kids.

But I think people should understand that some people find it difficult to wrestle with as they don't want their kids to feel shit about not getting stuff they've asked santa for, despite being 'good' all year, as they don't understand they'll only ever get what their parents can afford. Surely you can see it through their eyes too?

I'm not saying everyone should do one thing or the other, but I think the people saying it's awful kids don't experience the magic of Santa don't take into account the kids who experience feeling they must not have been 'good' enough as their friends get lots from him and they don't. In those cases I think it's very understandable parents explain that some people believe in Santa but he isn't real, but it's best not to tell people you know he's not. And reasonable to expect parents not to be livid if that kid slips up and other kids find out the truth.

To the person who said earlier that kids who know he's not real seen to delight in telling others, that comment is rather silly as it doesn't take into account the kids who know the truth and don't tell - as you won't know which kids they are.

ufucoffee · 11/12/2021 23:28

'Like I said. I think Christmas is pretty joyful, anyway with all the fun activities you can do. Why do you need to make up stuff (and more importantly why do I need to make up stuff? I'm not really bothered If others do it)

Also, that's what my god fearing relatives tell me is why I need to believe in God. "It will give you peace and joy". Would you also tell me that I need to my kids to pray to Jesus Christ, Allah, etc because it will give them joy?'

Ok OP. You don't need to. But all the reasons you give are all about you and you not wanting to make stuff up. So don't. But you're depriving your children of a magical short time in their young lives. But if that what makes you happy, crack on.

Cma1988 · 11/12/2021 23:30

We never really did “Santa/Father Christmas as real”

We thought of him as a game and some fun (we had stockings and left out carrot mince pie etc) but it was always clear to us that it was pretend.

We had a fantastic and wonderful Christmas and childhood thank you

I do the same with my kids

Tatum1234 · 11/12/2021 23:30

It’s a bit of fun that makes Christmas a bit more magical for children. Don’t be so miserable!

Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 11/12/2021 23:31

@RampantIvy

Does this mean that your child won't get a stocking on Christmas morning?
Of course she does. I just don't tell her it's from Santa. You won't believe this but she still is absolutely excited and loves Christmas.
OP posts:
Goldbar · 11/12/2021 23:32

I think this is one situation where you do your thing for your kids and let everyone else do what they want for their kids. It's not a big deal so long as you're not indoctrinating your DC to be militant anti-Santa zealots who can't accept that their friends aged 6 still believe in Santa and so denounce them as silly and childish in the playground.

Most little kids instinctively want to believe since they like getting a pile of stuff under the tree on Christmas morning so their faith in Santa is strong enough to survive contact with some non-believers. And if they're getting to the age when that's not the case, the game's probably up anyway. So I wouldn't really care what you told your children or what they said to my DC.

Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 11/12/2021 23:32

@Cma1988

We never really did “Santa/Father Christmas as real”

We thought of him as a game and some fun (we had stockings and left out carrot mince pie etc) but it was always clear to us that it was pretend.

We had a fantastic and wonderful Christmas and childhood thank you

I do the same with my kids

Yes, we do the carrots and mince pies as well.and it's tons of fun. Like I said. I love the traditions. I just don't like lying about something I don't believe in.
OP posts:
dodobookends · 11/12/2021 23:34

If children are old enough to question something, then they are also old enough to understand that different people believe in different things. We believe what we want to believe, other people believe what they want to believe, and we don't all go around telling each other they are wrong.

JHMJHM · 11/12/2021 23:35

That's fine OP and you have explained it well. Your visceral revulsion towards 'lying' is unusual. But takes all sorts and it sounds like you all have a fab christmas anyway santa or not.

ldontWanna · 11/12/2021 23:35

Of course she does. I just don't tell her it's from Santa. You won't believe this but she still is absolutely excited and loves Christmas.

Ofc she bloody is! There's presents, family, fun, laughter, warmth , nice food etc. Things to open and play with and surprises. There's plenty of excitement to be had.

Santa just adds a bit of whimsy and "magic" but it's not necessary. Different strokes for different folks.