To wonder if our children would be the ‘poor’ ones at private school

[Changethefloorthroughout]

DH and I have a good joint income of over £100,000 and I’m seriously considering private school for our children.

A worry for me is if they are surrounded by children from much wealthier backgrounds if they would feel ‘poor’. I’m just posting for thoughts from people who know a bit more about the independent system than me.

Do you currently live £30k per year beneath your means?

@Changethefloorthroughout

No, I earn 40. He won’t lose his job. Why do you keep saying he will? I’m not trying to sound awkward, but while I know some industries are very unstable, his isn’t. He’s been in the same role for nearly twenty years.

I’m not saying he will, how could I possibly know? I’m saying with your combined income, your children will definitely be at the less-wealthy end of the spectrum because their school fees are a massive chunk of your household income.

Why won’t you say what the local state schools are like?

Pumper, I get that if you regularly lose your job, it might seem worrying, but I’ve never (in twenty years of work) been made redundant, threatened with redundancy, dismissed, or threatened with dismissal.

And if I ever was sadly made redundant, I wouldn’t have many problems obtaining another post. OK?

Regardless of being the 'poorest' in the school or not, I think it is pushing to afford private school on those salaries (even in the North)

@Changethefloorthroughout

Pumper, I get that if you regularly lose your job, it might seem worrying, but I’ve never (in twenty years of work) been made redundant, threatened with redundancy, dismissed, or threatened with dismissal.

And if I ever was sadly made redundant, I wouldn’t have many problems obtaining another post. OK?

Ok.

It’s still a massive chunk of your combined salaries, and your children will still be aware of that financial sacrifice, and they’ll be aware of how that makes them different to their friends.

What are the state schools like?

Both my DC go to private school. Many of them are much richer than us and their DC have a lot of money dropped on them.

However, my DC have scholarships and are always getting academic awards and so I and they do not feel inferior to anyone.

At the end of the day, it is about education and it is not about how much money your parents have, which I found out quickly, has no correlation to how clever DC are whatsoever.

@Changethefloorthroughout

Pumper, I get that if you regularly lose your job, it might seem worrying, but I’ve never (in twenty years of work) been made redundant, threatened with redundancy, dismissed, or threatened with dismissal.

And if I ever was sadly made redundant, I wouldn’t have many problems obtaining another post. OK?

Also, what is your job? That’s incredible security.

and absolute poverty if you are best mates with Bill Gates and Elton John.

No, 100 grand a year is not absolute poverty, no matter who your friends with hth.

It depends on the school and their culture. There is an 'international school' near us that has a lot of children from China and Russia, who are immensely wealthy and even rich children from here are comparatively poor, but other schools are a lot more down to earth. You need to go a visit them to get a feel for their culture and the type of families who go there.

As someone said earlier, there will always be someone who is richer and poorer than them and they need to be able to manage that, whichever school they go to.

Before removing our children from their state primary, we asked the Head if the other pupils all came from wealthy backgrounds (having no personal experience of the private sector ourselves). Her words were that a handful of parents could pay the fees out of the change in their back pockets and never notice the difference, but the overwhelming majority were not well off and made huge sacrifices to pay the fees. This did indeed turn out to be the case, including us.

I have a relative who decided to send her kids to private school. Both her and her husband came from humble beginnings but had worked hard to get good well paid careers. They always felt like the odd ones out because they weren't particularly posh and a lot of the families were rich through wealthy families and trust funds and were born into money! I don't think the issue was with the kids though - just the parents. Which is the same at any U.K school private or not.

I think you're are overthinking this. My DD went to private school and although my exH was on a six figure salary as a single parent we were probably 'poor' in comparison to some others. Was never an issue with the friendship group she ended up with. Six years later, after university, she still has a tight group of friends, hopefully for life. Most of her friends families come from high earning but not ridiculously wealthy so never an issue. Not all private school families are Rothchilds.

@Grumpycatsmum I think your post might have been intended for someone else! I am very pleased that your daughter is so happy at her new school though

@Thatsplentyjack any amount of money is if it won’t buy something.

But that’s not what the thread is about.

I’m a teacher, hence why I do have concerns with state education!

Sorry, meant to say were not wealthy and made huge sacrifices ……….

I am mid 30s and went to a fairly elite (top 10 UK school)

I was on a 80%/90% scholarship and were fairly normal - my family lived in suburbs of London in a 3 bed semi (2 bed and box room) in the 90s.

I wouldn't say I was mercilessly bullied or anything but it was fairly eye-opening/ jaw dropping going to some friends houses. Others were from very normal backgrounds like me, some were from poorer.

My mum went to great lengths to ensure I was "keeping up" and made sure i had kickers and a g shock watch and all that crap.

I think it was hard for her and she had to make sacrifices for it.

Overall I think it very much depends on the school, more academic ones are more mixed in terms of backgrounds possibly due to scholarships and bursaries. Also remember in several cases these days grandparents are paying

My rich friend sends her kids to private. They live in a big house on a private road with a massive garden, loads of space. She took her dd for a playdate at an actual mansion and said, it's the first time I've felt our house is small. Fucking ridiculous! The kids will get in and it won't matter, but they will notice if their friends go skiing every year, or help their mum choose chandeliers etc. I was the poorer kid and you do notice and it does affect you. Sounds like you're way better off than my parents were but I wouldn't choose that feeling for my kids.

There is always a staggered wealth system in private schools.

Super rich
rich
well off
normal families that work a way out to pay for the school fees.

At the end of the day, it is about education and it is not about how much money your parents have, which I found out quickly, has no correlation to how clever DC are whatsoever

This.

OP MN is very anti private schools. But if you can afford a good education for you kids go for it.

But make sure you read the independant schools report before you enrol I didn't and it was a costly mistake.

I’m going to go against the grain here and ask if you’re sure you can afford private school at all on £100,000….

DD went to a well regarded prep (think kids coming back from hols with photos of royal family members with arms around them, flying private etc). We were 'normal' people in a Victorian semi. She honestly didn't give a flying fuck. I drove a battered Ford at the time. Come to think of it one of the dads who is on the Times rich list drove a Nissan Leaf, so it wasn't all Bentleys etc.

DD made some good friends. There were probably some parents who wouldn't have associated with us (but I stayed on the periphery and didn't notice) but also plenty of 'normal' parents like Doctors or comfortably off business owners.

Funnily enough now as a family we are fairly high income but now DD is at a state grammar and is one of the better off kids.

@ADialgaAteMyDog

My rich friend sends her kids to private. They live in a big house on a private road with a massive garden, loads of space. She took her dd for a playdate at an actual mansion and said, it's the first time I've felt our house is small. Fucking ridiculous! The kids will get in and it won't matter, but they will notice if their friends go skiing every year, or help their mum choose chandeliers etc. I was the poorer kid and you do notice and it does affect you. Sounds like you're way better off than my parents were but I wouldn't choose that feeling for my kids.

Not all kids go skiing every year! Thats a myth! So do - some stay in holiday clubs the entire summer.

It’s still a massive chunk of your combined salaries, and your children will still be aware of that financial sacrifice, and they’ll be aware of how that makes them different to their friends.

But they won’t be ‘different to their friends’ because there will be plenty of other families in exactly the same boat. Not all, of course. There will be plenty of uber-wealthy.

But plenty in exactly the OP’s situation. There just will be.

I don’t think it’s going against the grain, @NatriumChloride, a few posters have asked that, and I must admit it has made me think I must have a VERY skewed idea of affordability!

So two children in private senior school (so the most expensive) would be just over £28,000. (I realise this would go up but so do salaries.)

So yes - I’d be making around £100 a month ‘profit’ from my job so nothing at all really - but then we still have DHs salary, so we can’t live on £75,000 plus a bonus? Is that honestly unaffordable? Surely not

I think it very much depends on the school. The very expensive ones, though, will also have lots of children on full bursaries as they tend to have more money to fund them. So there will be absolutely the full range in most schools (unless it's a smaller school in a less wealthy place in which case I think your income would be average and the students might be more similar). I went to private school on a scholarship (the sort which are means tested now and don't really exist anymore) and my parents were not wealthy compared to my peers. I noticed, but it didn't really matter. They prioritised paying for (some) trips and music lessons and I never went without at all. We had other hierarchies as well as we got older - quite a lot of the super wealthy ones were very spoilt and never did any work. My friends were quite "normal" income wise but academic. If you can afford it, just choose the school you think is the best fit for your child.

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

It’s still a massive chunk of your combined salaries, and your children will still be aware of that financial sacrifice, and they’ll be aware of how that makes them different to their friends.

But they won’t be ‘different to their friends’ because there will be plenty of other families in exactly the same boat. Not all, of course. There will be plenty of uber-wealthy.

But plenty in exactly the OP’s situation. There just will be.

There won’t be though. 30% of a household income is a risk loads of people won’t take.