To wonder if our children would be the ‘poor’ ones at private school

[Changethefloorthroughout]

DH and I have a good joint income of over £100,000 and I’m seriously considering private school for our children.

A worry for me is if they are surrounded by children from much wealthier backgrounds if they would feel ‘poor’. I’m just posting for thoughts from people who know a bit more about the independent system than me.

@OnceuponaRainbow18

b) I teach - there won’t be anybody queuing to take my job

Blimey, can’t imagine any of my colleagues earning such amount combined would use the word poor when describing their situation!!

Maybe take a hard look at many kids you teach you are truly poor. You know- the ones who have to go to breakfast club to get fed, the ones not coming in when on their period, the ones who don’t see their parents who are working 2 jobs, the ones who come in 35 min late daily dropping their siblings off at primaries, the ones who aren’t wearing the right uniform, who can’t access the teams lessons, who get £2.50 a day to buy their lunch, I could go on and on but doubt it will make
A difference

Why would this make a difference to the OPs parenting choices?

@Changethefloorthroughout

It might help you understand that your choice of words was inappropriate.

Once again for the hard of comprehension at the back: comparatively ‘poor’. Not poor.

You can keep on coming back and getting offended, but at this point, it just looks like you’re enjoying it (why else would you keep refreshing the thread and returning?).

Of course it wouldn't make a difference, that's two completely different argument/conversation

@OnceuponaRainbow18

b) I teach - there won’t be anybody queuing to take my job

Blimey, can’t imagine any of my colleagues earning such amount combined would use the word poor when describing their situation!!

Maybe take a hard look at many kids you teach you are truly poor. You know- the ones who have to go to breakfast club to get fed, the ones not coming in when on their period, the ones who don’t see their parents who are working 2 jobs, the ones who come in 35 min late daily dropping their siblings off at primaries, the ones who aren’t wearing the right uniform, who can’t access the teams lessons, who get £2.50 a day to buy their lunch, I could go on and on but doubt it will make
A difference

Op has never claimed to be poor. How does looking at pupils she teaches assist in her decision making process.

@ShanghaiDiva

It may get her to reconsider her use of a word

What is the school actually like OP? In your own words? Because independent schools vary so much, so how can anyone possibly have a clue or begin to comment on whether your DC will feel “poor?” It’s like asking how long is a piece of string.

I think you're arguing at odds. Really its all about being objective vs comparitive and the right/wrong semantics of it.

Im not sure it makes a bit of difference to the OPs question though, which is very valid

I went to private school. Majority of my year got a car for their 17th. I didn't. Some lived in houses with swimming pools and tennis courts we didn't. Even at 14 I wasn't that bothered because that wasn't the reason why I had been sent to boarding school. I was there to learn. My mum made that very clear to me before I left home. In life in general wherever you go there will be people that have more than you and those who have less. My parents always told me to be grateful for what I had and to speak positively into any situation I found myself in.

It doesn’t make a difference at all.

The whole problem with poverty is it is always relevant to what is going on around it. Even those children Rainbow has spoken so heart wrenchingly about are not poor in contrast to the developing world, or to Victorian poverty. So how do we define poor? By what’s around you.

That’s the point.

@Changethefloorthroughout

It doesn’t make a difference at all.

The whole problem with poverty is it is always relevant to what is going on around it. Even those children Rainbow has spoken so heart wrenchingly about are not poor in contrast to the developing world, or to Victorian poverty. So how do we define poor? By what’s around you.

That’s the point.

Do you think they’ll be among the less wealthy at your chosen school? What’s your gut instinct?

[quote OnceuponaRainbow18]@ShanghaiDiva

It may get her to reconsider her use of a word[/quote]
I spent 12 years living in a country that was less economically developed than the uk and was involved in charities which supported families whose annual income was under £200.
If someone described themselves as poor in this country what point would it serve for me to pipe up: but your annual income is x times the people I worked with overseas therefore you are not poor! What purpose would it serve? None whatsoever.
The op is well aware that she is not poor and has never claimed to be poor. She is talking about comparisons and whether being one of the less wealthy families at an independent school would have a negative effect on her dc. It’s a valid question.
Questioning whether the op used the appropriate adjective is just pointless and petty.

I had a friend who went to grammar school and left with a chip on his shoulder. He was far from impoverished, solidly upper middle class with a second home in the sun, but some of his school friends had helicopters... so he felt hard up

@Changethefloorthroughout

Iced, I know. I’ve taken the most expensive years (12 and 13) and worked backwards, I’m really not a complete idiot!

All of the things you mention above are expenses at state school too. No state school I know of accepts Asda polos at secondary and while we may not be minor Royals, we can afford a blazer.

I don’t mind sacrificing holidays and so on for them to go on school trips. I just don’t want them feeling inadequate for a week in Cornwall when everyone else was in Monaco.

My friend’s son was in Cornwall this summer, just before the state schools broke up (as private schools broke up quite a bit earlier) and said it was like Bedales-on-sea 😂

(He went to Bedales, obvs)

OP, you can afford it, it’ll be fine and you won’t be the poorest I’m sure.

I’m afraid I’ve not read the 25 pages of this thread , but coming from a very modest suburb of south London and having been sent to a very well known public school I personally felt and feel resentful about it.
This is relative though and I think I would have been much more comfortable at a more local fee paying day school, and tbh the teaching and care would likely have been better.

Entirely depends on the school. I'd say it's a fairly average income at our school from those whose situations I know well enough to hazzard a guess at.

What I find interesting at our school is how people chose to spend their money - some on their house, others it's fancy cars, some it's designer clothes and others it's holidays. I can't think of any parents that do them all. We aren't a very wealthy school though.

This is such as silly thread because if someone posted, “I went to a state school and felt this, that or the other...” people would be... er, so what?

The OP has given no details about this “private school.” Could be totally down to earth. Or it could be full of nitwits. Who knows? Yet people have to pile in with bland statements, or statements based in their own school - as if that’s relevant? MN is a weird place.

[quote AutumnLeaves21]@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas primary school maybe, but if you’re talking about secondary school then sorry to say this is really naive. Teenagers, particularly girls, are spectacularly bitchy and absolutely judge/make friends with peers based on what they have. Sad but true.[/quote]
My privately educated dd friends certainly do not select friends in the basis of wealth. They are an incredibly mixed bunch. Neither did either of my DSs friends. No idea where your experience is from.

@DIYandEatCake

This is an interesting thread! We’re sending our eldest to private school next year, our household income is nearly half yours. I thought we were fairly comfortably off (though obviously it’s going to be a stretch) and the thought of being relatively ‘poor’ hadn’t even crossed my mind.

How are you affording private on nearly half of 100k?

@DIYandEatCake

This is an interesting thread! We’re sending our eldest to private school next year, our household income is nearly half yours. I thought we were fairly comfortably off (though obviously it’s going to be a stretch) and the thought of being relatively ‘poor’ hadn’t even crossed my mind.

What are the term fees? Our household income is around OPs and I wouldn't have thought we could afford private education. I am a bit of a worrier though as we come from working class backgrounds and I'm always worrying about affording things and wanting savings incase so we don't spend our income and overpay the mortgage but I genuinely don't think we can afford a 4 bed house near us let alone private school.

As someone who ended up pulling their kids from private schools, I'd also question the affordability. I'm not sure why you seem to be subtracting the £30k from your gross salaries - you'll have to pay it out of net. And prepare for the costs to increase way faster than inflation.
Also - think about value for money - some smaller (cheaper) independents are frankly a rip off and you'll get better quality teaching from your local state school.

I’ve given a fairly detailed breakdown of the affordability. With two in senior schools it would mean my salary would effectively be going on school fees, but that still gives my husbands salary to ‘live’ on.

There is no way we could do it on your salary.

Not and have the kind of lifestyle we like with holidays and occasional meals out etc. We are not remotely lavish, don't drink, holiday in the UK, old cars etc but we really wouldn't be able to do x2 senior school fees and have any other outgoings really. Impressive that you think you can but I'm not sure it's particularly well explained by an 100k salary. Unless you have no housing costs or some similar advantageous anomaly.

You must spend more than us.

How will you measure the success of sending your kids to private school, @changethefloorthroughout? Is it if they're happy, well-adjusted, make good friends, have a nice time?

Or will you be gutted if they emerge with C grades in all their exams and think it was a waste of time?

I ask because I do wonder if moderate or poor exam results, for parents on finite incomes who make a lot of sacrifices to send their kids to private school (as mine did), is more likely to translate into regret, pressure, etc.