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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if our children would be the ‘poor’ ones at private school

658 replies

Changethefloorthroughout · 11/12/2021 19:56

DH and I have a good joint income of over £100,000 and I’m seriously considering private school for our children.

A worry for me is if they are surrounded by children from much wealthier backgrounds if they would feel ‘poor’. I’m just posting for thoughts from people who know a bit more about the independent system than me.

OP posts:
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 12/12/2021 12:57

[quote OnceuponaRainbow18]@Letsallscreamatthesistene

The use of the word poor is ridiculous, don’t see how you can’t see that?

Could have said will we be the obviously less well off?!![/quote]
It means the same thing.

Hoppinggreen · 12/12/2021 13:05

@HunterGatherer

God, our local private school is as rough as hell, botoxed to oblivion, loud, beauty salon Mums and aggressive, business (puppy farmer) Dad's. Several families have connections with drug dealing and one father went to prison for people trafficking Hmm I will stick with the state secondary, where the teachers, nurses, police and fire fighters send their kids thanks.
Yes Every single Private school in the country is exactly like this. All State schools are identical too
OpeningY · 12/12/2021 13:07

You'll be fine OP. It's no different to state school where kids get unfairly picked on for having unemployed parents or the wrong hair style.

Your decision should be based on whether you can afford the school, not peer issues once there. The ratio of pupils to teachers is better than state so bullying less likely to be an issue.

LadyCatStark · 12/12/2021 14:13

@Changethefloorthroughout

But it is relative *@LagunaBubbles*, which is the whole point of the thread. £100000 is untold wealth in some quarters and absolute poverty if you are best mates with Bill Gates and Elton John.
That’s not true though is it? Even if you do know Bill Gates or Elton John, poverty means not having enough money to afford your basic needs and £100000 is clearly enough for that and much, much more.
VestaTilley · 12/12/2021 14:27

It depends on the school - Eton? Rugby? They’ll feel different, and you’ll struggle to afford the fees on £100k a year between you?

If you’re just sending them to your local independent day school down the road you’ll be in company with similar people I expect. But I really wouldn’t bother - many local independents really aren’t very good, or worth the money. I’d only do it if your local state schools are really dire.

MoomaidAhoy · 12/12/2021 14:29

Hello OP. Two children at private schools here. My salary is WAY lower than yours. Both children have bursaries coving a chunk of the fees. We are probably one of the poorest families but don’t feel like that at all - most parents are working professionals (as am I, but solo!) and there are few billionaires (that I know of).

But also, so what? Some families at wealthier, some poorer. If anyone wants to judge anyone else that’s up to them.

We holiday in the U.K. bump into half the class while we’re there!

My experience of London private schools was very different. A whole other league of wealth. Outside London, it’s fine.

I would have no idea what most of my fellow school mums and dads earn. Some have larger houses, some smaller. Whatever. We’re not generally a judgemental group of parents! (I love our school!)

MoomaidAhoy · 12/12/2021 14:30

Also, won’t say where as it’s outing but I went to a school that’s in the same league as eton. Didn’t feel poor (even though I was compared to some of the girls). I had a happy and stable home life. Was worth way more than bentleys and the Maldives!

PutYourBackIntoit · 12/12/2021 16:40

We are in a v similar position OP, but with equal salaries, and we have a mortgage £400pm more than you.
I have no doubt we can afford it. I have no idea why your thread had been de railed so.

I have given some thought to the children feeling less wealthy than other children, but I think if this does happen the disadvantage of feeling that way, will be offset by the advantages, and equally I think my children understand that they are very lucky and that they have a lot to be grateful for. I won't really tolerate them feeling sorry for themselves.

I'm not in the SE or the North either Grin

KimDeals · 12/12/2021 17:06

@Changethefloorthroughout I posted upthread about how I’d considered it on my salary alone ( about 100k) but decided I couldn’t do it.

However this thread and the positive comments are making me think maybe I should look at it again. I got completely overwhelmed trying to find a school I liked… and maybe in hindsight making the “decision” alone bowled me over too.
Can I ask, how have you selected your private school?

I’m not from the U.K. and I feel the gap in culture knowledge when it comes to schools. I went to private secondary myself, was definitely aware of who came back from Christmas hols skiing, tanned from Mauritius etc but couldn’t have given one feck about it!

roastedcabbage · 12/12/2021 17:06

Actually the bullying more to do w the reputation of a school.
Well established public schools can't afford to have any bullying issues, as they are businesses , and reputation is everything

RBKB · 12/12/2021 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MoomaidAhoy · 12/12/2021 17:24

@RBKB bit harsh. What’s the limit of what people can ask here without being deemed to be insensitive?

RBKB · 12/12/2021 17:31

They can post what they like. It was more her belittling responses than her original post, but yes, poor was an insensitive word choice. It will irritate people. As it should.

lisaandalan · 12/12/2021 17:32

Most children don't see if someone is wealthy they see a good kind friend.

Original poster
Changethefloorthroughout · 12/12/2021 17:45

Ha ha RBKB - no, I just wanted people who might be able to answer my question. That’s not you.

OP posts:
RBKB · 12/12/2021 17:52

Oh I can answer it just fine. Actually had quite a few of the family go to very expensive schools. Just providing a bit of feedback on how you might be coming across...but I sense you might not give a shiny 😘😘

MoomaidAhoy · 12/12/2021 17:55

@RBKB stop being mean. The op is coming across just fine.

Original poster
Changethefloorthroughout · 12/12/2021 18:03

Well, you’re right in a way. I don’t give a shiny shit.

We earn what we earn. I could quit my job and be ‘poor’, just for the hell of it, but a) what’s the point of that, b) I teach - there won’t be anybody queuing to take my job and c) we do pay a lot of tax and give a fair amount to charity as well.

It wasn’t relevant to my original post but as I indicated above, I did go through a pretty turbulent time as a young adult and my life was very dysfunctional and chaotic. The relief I feel at having come through that is immense. It’s also meant I’m determined to ensure my children have as smooth a childhood and transition to adulthood as possible.

I don’t ever want them to feel out of place or as if they don’t belong somewhere. If that makes me ‘come across’ as something then be it so. I’m not going to avoid a question because you might start blasting away about it Confused

OP posts:
RBKB · 12/12/2021 18:31

That is admirable, and totally natural that you want to protect your children.

But previous posters were belittled for questioning your choice of the word poor. If you belittle people...don't be surprised if people respond. It's very patronising. You come across as highly educated and I'm sure you are aware of just how many children are very very poor and returned to school, post lockdown, looking worryingly thin.

GratS · 12/12/2021 18:37

@roastedcabbage
Are you joking! I have lots of friends who have DC at the big name schools and there is oodles of bullying.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 12/12/2021 18:42

[quote GratS]@roastedcabbage
Are you joking! I have lots of friends who have DC at the big name schools and there is oodles of bullying.[/quote]
‘Lots’ of friends with DC at the ‘big name schools’? OK.

But no direct experience yourself.

Interesting paradox….

crazycrochetlady · 12/12/2021 18:58

Why shouldn't a person have a mix of friends who pay for education, or go to state school? Quite healthy I should say

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 12/12/2021 19:04

b) I teach - there won’t be anybody queuing to take my job

Blimey, can’t imagine any of my colleagues earning such amount combined would use the word poor when describing their situation!!

Maybe take a hard look at many kids you teach you are truly poor. You know- the ones who have to go to breakfast club to get fed, the ones not coming in when on their period, the ones who don’t see their parents who are working 2 jobs, the ones who come in 35 min late daily dropping their siblings off at primaries, the ones who aren’t wearing the right uniform, who can’t access the teams lessons, who get £2.50 a day to buy their lunch, I could go on and on but doubt it will make
A difference

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 12/12/2021 19:05

@crazycrochetlady

Why shouldn't a person have a mix of friends who pay for education, or go to state school? Quite healthy I should say
Perfectly run of the mill.

‘Lots’ of friends at not just private, but the ‘big name schools’, though.

Original poster
Changethefloorthroughout · 12/12/2021 19:11

Looking hard at the kids I teach has nothing to do with what I do as a parent, Rainbow.

I look hard at them every day.

How should I parent differently as a result of this? How would it help my own children or the ones in my class if I make different schooling choices?

It won’t, will it?

OP posts:
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