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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve been called unreasonable and I think I hate my DP.

151 replies

NxnAllInclusive · 11/12/2021 14:30

I have a pet peeve and that’s been poked/tapped. I’m also ND and any form of ‘surprise touch’ either makes me tense or generally feels like razor blades on my skin. Being poked/tapped/shaked makes me tense but really really winds me up. If anyone gets in my personal space without me wanting them to be there I completely tense up and have heightened anxiety for at least a few hours. I know it’s pathetic especially what other woman have to endure but its the anxiety it brings afterwards.

I’m chilled out in bed and DP comes in and sits on the end of the bed. He’s goofing around and I’m not laughing as I’ve just woke up, got a hangover and trying to concentrate on a text. Firstly he spreads his hand on my belly and shakes it (this makes me tense and it generally hurts as I need to wee) so I hold him to stop and that I’m not in the mood. He then pokes my boob with his big toe with ‘whhhhhyyyy are yooou beinnngg so grumpy’. So I jab him back with my toe and tell him to leave me alone. He then gets on all fours over me and starts bouncing the bed. I tell him to fuck off and leave me alone so he gets up, whips the duvet off the bed and throws it on my face. He sulks off ranting that he’s only trying to have a laugh.

30 minutes later he comes back in now back in his jokey moods and asks for an apology, I do for swearing and we have a laugh. I ask for his apology and he changes his tone that he’s done absolutely nothing wrong and that I’m always the one flying off the handle etc etc. Apparently it’s so much fun winding me up as it’s so easy so I should relax more. I start welling up and beg him to stop doing it, he kicks off for me causing a problem and the real problem is how I jab him back with anger but he doesn’t cause a scene about it. I’m crying and get it all out of my system of that I’ve begged him for years to stop getting in my personal space to annoy me, that I’m tired of the anxiety it brings, I should be able to relax in my own home and as he doesn’t listen to what I say I’ve got no choice to jab him back (he only usually stops when I either get really at him or poke him back harder or I usually walk away - when he’s in his ‘jokey/goofy’ mood I try to stay out of his way or immediately feel tense). He was going on that he’s only joking and that I’m making it into a bigger deal than what it is. I call him out for gaslighting me he storms off ranting ‘you’re so fucking unreasonable and it’s all about you’ and does a fake laugh.

I’m still in bed as I don’t want to see him. Since he said about me being unreasonable, I immediately felt hatred towards him as there’s no-one I actually hate. The perfect situation right now if he came upstairs to pack his things. I know this is long but as this has been going on for years I’m ready to tell him to pack his bags, but on the flip side am I massively over reacting?

OP posts:
BronwenFrideswide · 11/12/2021 18:23

The more you write NxnAllInclusive the worse it sounds and your first post was bad enough. This jumps out He tells me it doesn’t hurt and still does it and yet he whinges about you jabbing him back harder perhaps you should say to him it doesn't hurt, he's an abusive bastard.

Despite what some posters on here would have you believe none of this is your fault, you are not lacking in a sense of humour or too serious, your dp is the one totally at fault here.

End this relationship, please, then and only then will you be able to relax and have down time in your own home and yes, you deserve that it is not too much to ask or expect.

FoxgloveSummers · 11/12/2021 18:26

It’s not just the horrible things he does, it’s that he persists without listening to you until you do similar back - and then he can’t take it and flips out.

Clearly it’s a triple win for him as he gets to torture you, then yell at you, then be on his high horse because he was “only joking” and you “overreacted”.

He is a sadistic little prick and I think if you saw this happening to someone else you would be angry and recognise it as bullying.

lncandescent · 11/12/2021 18:30

I think I hate your DP too. He should have stopped the first time you said you didn't like this kind of 'horseplay'.

honeyytoast · 11/12/2021 18:32

I don’t understand some of these replies... op didn’t suddenly flip out because he was joking with her, it’s because he insisted on being irritating even after being given multiple direct cues to stop.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2021 18:32

@Aprilx

Out of the two of you, I would find you more annoying, with the crying because your partner sat on and bounced your bed and then that you hate him. But I don’t think you are wrong and he is right, I think that just shows that people can be incompatible. And you and he are two such people..
Out of interest, would you tell your child they should let people tickle them even if they don't enjoy it and it makes them anxious and want to cry, otherwise they are annoying and no fun?
WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 11/12/2021 18:34

YANBU to have your own boundaries. They may be different from others; some find wind ups fun - fair enough.

But if you don't, and you've told him that, then it's a case of he's not respecting you.

Does he understand your reasons. Does he know how it makes you feel?

Is it a deal breaker for you? As I assume by this stage it isn't going to stop. So you either need help to accept it. Or you need to end things x

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/12/2021 18:37

Yanbu at all in my opinion.

Why does his need for 'jokes' trump your wish not to be poked in the boob / have your belly wobbled / have a duvet thrown I your face?

I'm really not sure that a majority of people , if someone was doing that to them as soon as they woke up when they were hungover, would think 'we must not be compatible' rather than 'fuck off you fucking annoying twat'

Saucy99 · 11/12/2021 18:38

This reply has been deleted

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andtherewere2 · 11/12/2021 18:39

Get a bolt for your door and bolt it after he gets up. Then you can lay in peace and get up when you want to without being manhandled without your consent nor rudely awoken.

Tell him you'll stop bolting then door once he stops touching you intimately or jumping on you without consent

He's skirting the line of assaulting you as you've told him you don't like it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2021 18:39

@Saucy99

I agree your not comparable and you sound as miserable as sin.
Have you read OP's most recent post? Maybe do that and see if you change your mind.
AcrossthePond55 · 11/12/2021 18:44

It's called Body Autonomy and you have an absolute right NOT to be touched by anyone if you don't want to be. It has nothing to do with the reason why someone wants to touch you (play fighting 🤮 , romance, teasing, affection) if you don't want to be touched then the 'toucher' needs to leave you the fuck alone!

Your DP is way out of line. Continuing to touch when told to stop implies that the person feels they have a right to do as they wish with you, that what they want is more important than what you DON'T want. And that means they don't really respect you. If he cannot accept that you have a right not to be touched or to be upset when he pushes your bodily boundaries then he needs to be dumped.

BronwenFrideswide · 11/12/2021 18:44

@Saucy99

I agree your not comparable and you sound as miserable as sin.
No they are not comparable (your word) at all, her dp is an abusive, selfish wanker, she is not and you Saucy99 sound like a victim blaming abuse apologist.
IReallyLikeCrows · 11/12/2021 18:44

YANBU and he is a twat. He enjoys winding you up, that's fun for him at your expense. I would end the relationship.

BronwenFrideswide · 11/12/2021 18:46

@Aprilx

Out of the two of you, I would find you more annoying, with the crying because your partner sat on and bounced your bed and then that you hate him. But I don’t think you are wrong and he is right, I think that just shows that people can be incompatible. And you and he are two such people..
Yeah, it's really annoying when people set boundaries and try to assert them and their partner who is supposed to love and respect them takes no notice.
CheesyWeez · 11/12/2021 18:51

A kid used to tickle me at school until I cried and I hated it, her, and tickling ever since. My mum always poked me in the kidney area with her finger when she wanted to make a point and I hate that too. I literally cringe.
My loving DH did it once to get my attention in a noisy place, he noticed my reaction, and never did it again - because it's just not a loving thing to do, to deliberately provoke a bad reaction in someone.
Some posters haven't had experience of this and don't understand.

He knows you don't like it and persists in doing it anyway.

I wouldn't stay with him any longer OP. This is disrespect of you, your dislikes, and your lie-in when you need to catch up on your rest.

Get rid of him and have as many long lie-ins as you like in future.

BourbonScreams · 11/12/2021 18:58

Your update is genuinely disturbing. He pins you down and won't let you go. He tickled you until you urinated. You know tickling has been used as a genuine torture method?

He's sadistic and abusive. Please leave, it won't get better. I've experienced similar.

BourbonScreams · 11/12/2021 19:01

Also @Saucy99 your comment and the other comments like it are gross victim blaming. Take a good hard look at your views on consent.

ScreamingMeMe · 11/12/2021 19:05

@Flowers500

You're totally incompatible. I couldn't be with someone who was super serious and had issues being silly, or who got so upset by these things. But then I wouldn't put myself in that situation by getting involved with them. It sounds quite a bit like you don't get on and that you both rub each other up the wrong way.
Where are you getting she's "super serious" from? Because she doesn't like being poked and prodded and jumped all over. Maybe she's got a better sense of humour than her childish, nasty prick of a DP. One that doesn't involve getting her kicks out of upsetting other people.
Nanny0gg · 11/12/2021 19:34

@Pinkgold1

He needs someone who likes joking around and has a good sense of humour. You need someone who is serious. Neither of you are unreasonable. You are not compatible so I suspect neither of you are happy.
There are so many differences of opinion as to what constitutes a 'good sense of humour'
Nanny0gg · 11/12/2021 19:37

@NxnAllInclusive

I’ve spent the afternoon thinking about things (I’m in my bedroom as I can’t stop thinking).

I never used to have anxiety about being touched. I used to horseplay with my siblings but if I put my foot in their face to wind them up I could expect to have my toes bitten. If they would have pulled my duvet off me they’d expect for me to pin them to the ground using it. I don’t want a partner that constantly does one thing that really fucking annoys me as he’s bored and enjoys winding me up.

I think the anxiety/tension has came from that he doesn’t stop unless I loose my shit and he’ll keep upping it until I do. In the past he’s tickled me that I’ve actually pissed myself (when I told him explicitly that I hate been tickled) or I’ve had my arms and legs pinned down (and I’ve had a full blown panic attack).

He also does it when I’m being quiet or as he says boring. I’m sure even butlins redcoats or Peter Kay has to have some down time especially if they’ve just woke up, got a hangover and trying to sort out plans via text. I get he’s bored when I’m having a lie in (I don’t get much sleep during the week and I usually have plans at the weekends so the occasional lie in is my idea of perfection!) and he’s always up at the crack of dawn. It’s a pattern that happens every time we’re both free at the weekends and it would be nice to be able to have a relaxing Saturday morning without been irritated for the fun of it. I guess it’s my fault as I didn’t ask him last night not to annoy me in the morning as I wanted a relaxing morning (yep I have to do that).

The first few times Id play along, but after YEARS of explaining in every way possible I ended up welling up begging him to stop doing it as it would be nice to be able to relax/have down time in my own house.

I’m not sure how many times I’ve told him to not touch my belly when I wake up as I usually need a wee and it actually hurts. He tells me it doesn’t hurt and still does it.

OP, seriously, why are you with him?

He doesn't respect you AT ALL.

He also doesn't sound very nice. Some of what he does is abusive.

Have you options to split? There's no love there

MsChatterbox · 11/12/2021 19:41

Life is too short to be annoyed constantly unnecessarily

BronwenFrideswide · 11/12/2021 19:45

The first few times Id play along, but after YEARS of explaining in every way possible I ended up welling up begging him to stop doing it as it would be nice to be able to relax/have down time in my own house.

He is never going to change NxnAllInclusive, he doesn't want to, he enjoys it too much.

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/12/2021 19:52

I didnt know that in order to be considered to have a sense of humour one should tolerate abuse.

Go figure.....

He sounds like a vile bully and yes I do think you need to split up because I suspect that your anxiety will dramatically improve. I was a different woman to the cringing anxious mess I had been once I got rid of my ex.

ChargingBuck · 11/12/2021 19:55

You sound, to put it as politely as I possibly can, like hard work.

Wow. Where are you getting that from @Libertaire?

Somebody is "hard work" for not wanting to be bullied, mocked, & made anxious?
Since when is it anything like hard work to just refrain from taunting & physically accosting someone?

ChargingBuck · 11/12/2021 19:58

Neither of you are unreasonable.

@Pinkgold1 - so if I come round your house, wake you up, prod you in the breast with my foot, shake you, & goad you like this for years despite you telling me not to because it makes you anxious & upset, & I ignore you & keep shaking & poking you & not let you up until you wee yourself ... that's REASONABLE, is it?