I’ve been called unreasonable and I think I hate my DP.

[NxnAllInclusive]

I have a pet peeve and that’s been poked/tapped. I’m also ND and any form of ‘surprise touch’ either makes me tense or generally feels like razor blades on my skin. Being poked/tapped/shaked makes me tense but really really winds me up. If anyone gets in my personal space without me wanting them to be there I completely tense up and have heightened anxiety for at least a few hours. I know it’s pathetic especially what other woman have to endure but its the anxiety it brings afterwards.

I’m chilled out in bed and DP comes in and sits on the end of the bed. He’s goofing around and I’m not laughing as I’ve just woke up, got a hangover and trying to concentrate on a text. Firstly he spreads his hand on my belly and shakes it (this makes me tense and it generally hurts as I need to wee) so I hold him to stop and that I’m not in the mood. He then pokes my boob with his big toe with ‘whhhhhyyyy are yooou beinnngg so grumpy’. So I jab him back with my toe and tell him to leave me alone. He then gets on all fours over me and starts bouncing the bed. I tell him to fuck off and leave me alone so he gets up, whips the duvet off the bed and throws it on my face. He sulks off ranting that he’s only trying to have a laugh.

30 minutes later he comes back in now back in his jokey moods and asks for an apology, I do for swearing and we have a laugh. I ask for his apology and he changes his tone that he’s done absolutely nothing wrong and that I’m always the one flying off the handle etc etc. Apparently it’s so much fun winding me up as it’s so easy so I should relax more. I start welling up and beg him to stop doing it, he kicks off for me causing a problem and the real problem is how I jab him back with anger but he doesn’t cause a scene about it. I’m crying and get it all out of my system of that I’ve begged him for years to stop getting in my personal space to annoy me, that I’m tired of the anxiety it brings, I should be able to relax in my own home and as he doesn’t listen to what I say I’ve got no choice to jab him back (he only usually stops when I either get really at him or poke him back harder or I usually walk away - when he’s in his ‘jokey/goofy’ mood I try to stay out of his way or immediately feel tense). He was going on that he’s only joking and that I’m making it into a bigger deal than what it is. I call him out for gaslighting me he storms off ranting ‘you’re so fucking unreasonable and it’s all about you’ and does a fake laugh.

I’m still in bed as I don’t want to see him. Since he said about me being unreasonable, I immediately felt hatred towards him as there’s no-one I actually hate. The perfect situation right now if he came upstairs to pack his things. I know this is long but as this has been going on for years I’m ready to tell him to pack his bags, but on the flip side am I massively over reacting?

@inmyslippers

You don't sound compatible.

No offence to you personally but I hate seeing this phrase rolled out when one person in a relationship is clearly antagonising the other for shits and giggles.

There's a word for that and it's not incompatible.

@NxnAllInclusive He's a twat. You've explained (not that you should have to!) multiple times now what it is you have a problem with and why. In response he continues to do it, laughs at your discomfort, makes you apologise for being upset by his behaviour, gaslights you and then goes off in a huff?

I'd go so far as to say this is actually abusive.

I think your hangover didn't help, but, this is something my DP would do to me if I was hungover and spent our day off in bed. However I don't have an issue with, just find it annoying as fuck (doesn't create the anxiety)

However if he has been doing it for years and the repeated stops have been ignored, then I would leave, I agree with PP you are not compatable

@lockdownalli

He is deliberately upsetting you.

And he has the nerve to say you are the one being unreasonable

You don't do that to people you love.

This ^^

No one deliberately upsets and aggravated someone they love, when they have been asked repeatedly to stop unless they have a nasty streak. It's cruelty, not a joke

Arrange marriage counselling and let someone else tell him that too.
I would hate him for this too, it must be so frustrating and upsetting OP

If he poked me in the boob with his toe I would be furious. He sounds n absolute prat and I couldn't be bothered with his games at all.

Fuck him.

He repeatedly does something that you hate and really upsets you and which you have begged him to stop doing and he doesn't give a shot because it's fun to upset you

That's what 'fun to wind you up' actually means.

He gets enjoyment from seeing you upset.

That's not a trivial thing.

Oh op I had to double check I didn't post this then! We are the same and our DPS sound like the same person mine does everything you have said and I too hate being touched, I hate mornings and just like to have calm and quiet and he is like a bloody rabid excited dog jumping on me bouncing, touching me. If you feel you can't put up with this any longer then maybe it's time to call it quits as it won't get better it's all down to the personality.

The OP never said she wants to be serious all the time. It’s perfectly possible to have a laugh and mess around with poking and jiggling your partner especially if you know they don’t like it! If you were dating someone who didn’t like a particular sexual thing, would you keep trying to do it to them because you do like it? No, no decent person would do that. This is the same principle. He’s a gaslighting twat.

I would absolutely hate your DP for that too.

I think I may be ND as there are hints that may be the case but have had no formal diagnosis of such.

My DH has learned not to do shit like this the hard way.

Mainly because he has pushed me too far at times and I have responded, after plenty of polite requests to stop, in a way he wasn't keen on.

One time I remember, he just kept tapping, poking and scrabbly pawing at my shoulder while I was shallow frying in a pan of boiling oil. He nearly caused me to tip it all over me several times and I just snapped and smacked him in the face very hard indeed. I don't heal well and he was putting my life in danger. One small drop of hot oil dripping off a fork onto my foot gave me an infection only recently. He knows how dangerous leg injuries in particular are for me and he was pissing about round boiling oil. I wouldn't do it to him, not ever.

He tickled the back of my knee once while holding me down till I pissed myself. I warned him I needed to pee and to please stop but he ignored me. He found it hilarious. I saw red and actually can't remember one hundred percent what I did but he didn't enjoy it and my hand hurt afterwards.

He also did the spread hand on belly shake thing while I was still asleep and I autopilot punched him in the dick without even waking up. He now knows not to touch me before I am fully awake and in full control. I have childhood experiences of things I don't want to really admit to blame for autopilot self defence while in bed.

Violence may be undesirable but I will defend myself.
I don't tolerate space invaders.
I give plenty of warnings but some people refuse to take notice.
Anything that happens after that is on them, within reason of course.

Forced physical contact is just that, forced. I don't believe anyone has the right to physically impose themselves on another's body. It does not have to be sexual in nature to warrant a defensive response either.
If I say no, hands off...or else.
I am not going to be polite forever if you're not being polite and putting your hands on someone still after they have asked you not to is not polite.

@billy1966

I completely disagree that they are incompatible.

Only a nasty prick continues to do something they have been repeatedly asked not to do because it causes upset to the person asking for it to stop.

Only a nasty prick turns it around as a joke.

What the hell is the wrong with so many women that they cannot understand another women's right to say STOP or NO, is not a problem with the woman.

No wonder there is such an issue with men not getting it, when so many women don't get it.

Teasing is a guise for bullying that nasty pricks use.

Well said.

The fact there are some posters on here berating the OP as being not 'fun' and how they would find her annoying is beyond belief.

@ShaneTheThird

Oh op I had to double check I didn't post this then! We are the same and our DPS sound like the same person mine does everything you have said and I too hate being touched, I hate mornings and just like to have calm and quiet and he is like a bloody rabid excited dog jumping on me bouncing, touching me. If you feel you can't put up with this any longer then maybe it's time to call it quits as it won't get better it's all down to the personality.

Don't you want to be with someone who doesn't do stuff they know upsets and antagonises you?!

A joke is only a joke when the other person laughs with you.

Deliberately upsetting someone is NEVER a joke. It’s bullying.

@billy1966

I completely disagree that they are incompatible.

Only a nasty prick continues to do something they have been repeatedly asked not to do because it causes upset to the person asking for it to stop.

Only a nasty prick turns it around as a joke.

What the hell is the wrong with so many women that they cannot understand another women's right to say STOP or NO, is not a problem with the woman.

No wonder there is such an issue with men not getting it, when so many women don't get it.

Teasing is a guise for bullying that nasty pricks use.

👆that!

👏👏👏

@NynaeveSedai

You're massively UNDERreacting. Time to finally call time on this nonsense?

Yup, absolutely this. Nobody should spend years putting up with that shit.

How often does he do this?

It's really not kind to wind up your partner by doing things you know she doesn't like.

He sounds annoying. And yes, you sound incompatible.

Don't you want to be with someone who doesn't do stuff they know upsets and antagonises you?!

To be fair most of the time my dp makes me laugh and I know I am being grumpy and he tries to cheer me up, he is also suspected by his gp and consultant to be Nd.

Whereas the op sounds at the end of her tether and says she hates her dp.

I don't think that they are 'incompatible' in the sense that one likes lighthearted joking and the other doesn't, but in the sense that one person is asking for their boundaries to be respected and the other person is not respecting them.
to you OP

If you think you hate him you obviously need to go your separate ways. You could perhaps find someone more like yourself, it seems you both have different personalities regardless of the boundary crossing. No point prolonging something that doesn’t make you happy 😃

I agree with this. I went out with someone who was ND before and he sounds a lot like you. It didn't work out because I like light-hearted messing around but he didn't. I ended up being depressed, and he ended up irritated. From my point of view he was no fun to be around, had lots of rules about what I could and couldn't do, from his point of view I was unpredictable and irritating. Life is too short to be with someone who makes you tense and for your partner to have to be serious all of the time or he ends up tiptoeing around someone so they don't flip out.

@luinagreine have you any idea what a horrible picture you've painted of yourself with this nasty piece of victim blaming?

If your liking of "light-hearted messing about" involves prodding & shaking someone for "fun" I can assure you their dislike of it has fuck all to do with neurodiversity & everything to do with you being an intrusive, annoying twat.

If you get depressed because people around you don't enjoy you trampling their physical boundaries then passing it off as "I don't like your rules", see a GP & get help, & stop invading people's space.

If you are saying you didn't do any of this, & your ex was the one being abusive, then I can't see how you are making a connection between your situation & OP's, or where you are coming from comparing OP to your ex. Can you explain exactly what you imagine she has done wrong here?

@Livpool

I don't think so the either of you are being unreasonable but you don't sound compatible at all

Really, @Livpool?

Would you enjoy being manhandled & deliberately wound up, then blamed for not linking it, on a regular basis?
Do tell.

Dump, he's not bothered how his antics make you feel. If he cared, he'd have listened when you told him you didn't like being touched, or having your belly jiggled. And pulling the duvet off would have been the last straw.

My ex was an abusive cunt and he was like this, which is one of many reasons he became an ex.

Other than being a total cunt, why does he do this kind of shit knowing you hate it? I had to tell my dh not to poke me or unexpectedly grab me. I’m extremely ticklish and it made me jump and pull muscles, not remotely funny. My dh is a grown up, tho and stopped.

My dad takes great pleasure in winding people up too. I think it's his favourite pass-time. For that reason among others I no longer have contact with him.

@Flowers500

You're totally incompatible. I couldn't be with someone who was super serious and had issues being silly, or who got so upset by these things. But then I wouldn't put myself in that situation by getting involved with them. It sounds quite a bit like you don't get on and that you both rub each other up the wrong way.

Who said OP "has issues being silly" @Flowers500?

She has issues with being prodded & shaken, having her space invaded, & being bullied until she gets upset/angry, by a man who has been pulling this shit for YEARS.

That's not incompatibility. It's a dominance display.
As PP above said - it's textbook reactive abuse.

I normally lurk on mumsnet reading but I was so angry with your DP and people on mumsnet who apparently don't understand bodily autonomy, boundaries or Neurodivergence that I joined to comment!

People have of course in the time it took me to register already made this point but once more nice and loudly from the top;

NOBODY has the right to touch another person without their consent.
... Yes yes smart arses there are exceptions but to wind your partner up isn't one of them.

You are so very well within your rights to tell your "D"P to stop touching you at any time for any reason and it is basic human decency if somebody tells you to stop, to actually stop immediately. He should have stopped and never done it again after the first time.

In carrying on, and in later gaslighting you and sulking/refusing to apologise, he is demonstrating loud and clear that he thinks he has more rights over what happens to your body than you do.

I hope I don't need to spell it out to anybody how incredibly creepy and similar to rape that is.

For those who say they would find the OP annoying - 1) maybe look at your boundaries towards your partners if you think you have a right to touch them in ways and at times they don't want you, and 2) please extend even the most basic bit of understanding and empathy that difficulty with touch (sensory issues) can be a heightened problem for neurodiverse people.

Arrange marriage counselling and let someone else tell him that too.

Although I agree with the rest of @andtherewere2's post, DO NOT do couples counselling with this twat. It is not recommended when one party is abusive, for many reasons.
www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

You know he's never going to stop this, don't you? He's told you how much he enjoys winding you up. He doesn't give a shit about your anxiety - he likes causing it.

Get him to fuck, you don't have to endure this immature, bullying fuckwit for even one more day.