I’ve been called unreasonable and I think I hate my DP.

[NxnAllInclusive]

I have a pet peeve and that’s been poked/tapped. I’m also ND and any form of ‘surprise touch’ either makes me tense or generally feels like razor blades on my skin. Being poked/tapped/shaked makes me tense but really really winds me up. If anyone gets in my personal space without me wanting them to be there I completely tense up and have heightened anxiety for at least a few hours. I know it’s pathetic especially what other woman have to endure but its the anxiety it brings afterwards.

I’m chilled out in bed and DP comes in and sits on the end of the bed. He’s goofing around and I’m not laughing as I’ve just woke up, got a hangover and trying to concentrate on a text. Firstly he spreads his hand on my belly and shakes it (this makes me tense and it generally hurts as I need to wee) so I hold him to stop and that I’m not in the mood. He then pokes my boob with his big toe with ‘whhhhhyyyy are yooou beinnngg so grumpy’. So I jab him back with my toe and tell him to leave me alone. He then gets on all fours over me and starts bouncing the bed. I tell him to fuck off and leave me alone so he gets up, whips the duvet off the bed and throws it on my face. He sulks off ranting that he’s only trying to have a laugh.

30 minutes later he comes back in now back in his jokey moods and asks for an apology, I do for swearing and we have a laugh. I ask for his apology and he changes his tone that he’s done absolutely nothing wrong and that I’m always the one flying off the handle etc etc. Apparently it’s so much fun winding me up as it’s so easy so I should relax more. I start welling up and beg him to stop doing it, he kicks off for me causing a problem and the real problem is how I jab him back with anger but he doesn’t cause a scene about it. I’m crying and get it all out of my system of that I’ve begged him for years to stop getting in my personal space to annoy me, that I’m tired of the anxiety it brings, I should be able to relax in my own home and as he doesn’t listen to what I say I’ve got no choice to jab him back (he only usually stops when I either get really at him or poke him back harder or I usually walk away - when he’s in his ‘jokey/goofy’ mood I try to stay out of his way or immediately feel tense). He was going on that he’s only joking and that I’m making it into a bigger deal than what it is. I call him out for gaslighting me he storms off ranting ‘you’re so fucking unreasonable and it’s all about you’ and does a fake laugh.

I’m still in bed as I don’t want to see him. Since he said about me being unreasonable, I immediately felt hatred towards him as there’s no-one I actually hate. The perfect situation right now if he came upstairs to pack his things. I know this is long but as this has been going on for years I’m ready to tell him to pack his bags, but on the flip side am I massively over reacting?

It's not okay to deliberately do something you know is a trigger for someone which you know will get a negative reaction for your own sick personal enjoyment and then blame them for getting upset.

Would you deliberately wave a lit match in the face of a burns victim to get off on their negative reaction and then tell them it's their own fault for being upset.

I suspect your hangover might have a lot to do with how annoyed you are.

I suspect it doesn’t.

Go with your first instinct OP.

@LostForIdeas

A joke is only a joke when the other person laughs with you.

Deliberately upsetting someone is NEVER a joke. It’s bullying.

^This

To the best of my knowledge I'm not ND and I couldn't bear any of that.

If you're not in the mood then it should be respected.

Why are you with him, OP?

"I think your hangover didn't help, but, this is something my DP would do to me if I was hungover and spent our day off in bed. However I don't have an issue with, just find it annoying as fuck"

So if it's annoying as fuck, not tell him not to do it?

He sounds like an irritating, immature dickhead. You sound, to put it as politely as I possibly can, like hard work.

You need to ask yourself some tough questions about whether this relationship is right for either of you, and whether it’s going to work out in the long term. You don’t mention children. If you haven’t got any, that makes it much easier to consider your options. Good luck.

Start twisting his balls op

Tell him he is no fun you are only having a laugh. .
My adult ds had a gf who flicked and tickled him. Embarrassing sat there when he was nicely asking her to stop-he was about 20. Ended up he booted her off the sofa and she landed hard on her arse... She didn't laugh but we did!!
He Ltb.

YANBU, people who enjoy “winding you up” are basically saying “I enjoy making you tense and upset”. Not anyone I would want as a life partner

He needs someone who likes joking around and has a good sense of humour. You need someone who is serious. Neither of you are unreasonable. You are not compatible so I suspect neither of you are happy.

I don't understand why people are describing the OP's reaction as silly or over serious.

It's not a light-hearted one off, he carries on until he makes her cry. You wouldn't do that repeatedly to one of your children. Why do it to your wife.
I’ve begged him for years to stop getting in my personal space to annoy me, that I’m tired of the anxiety it brings, I should be able to relax in my own home... he doesn’t listen to what I say

I thought you explained this to him OP pretty clearly and on several occasions, and he doesn't listen. That's the crux of the problem.

If you are saying you didn't do any of this, & your ex was the one being abusive, then I can't see how you are making a connection between your situation & OP's, or where you are coming from comparing OP to your ex. Can you explain exactly what you imagine she has done wrong here?

Calm down hun, you are sounding rather aggressive and bullying. I never said she has done anything wrong. I never said anyone in my relationship was doing anything wrong. We were incompatible. I said the OP was incompatible with her partner. I am now with someone like me, someone who likes physical touch, likes messing around and shares the same sense of humour as me, it's what I need in a relationship, staid partners are not my thing. Being in a relationship where we weren't compatible made me depressed so I left hardly fucking groundbreaking stuff is it. Hopefully my ex is now with someone more like him.

Both my husband and I love 'invading' each others space so there really isn't any need for a GP appointment but thanks for the recommendation

@Pinkgold1

He needs someone who likes joking around and has a good sense of humour. You need someone who is serious. Neither of you are unreasonable. You are not compatible so I suspect neither of you are happy.

Ffs you don't have to enjoy being poked / tickled / prodded / jumped on to have a good sense of humour.

My partner and I are quite silly together and do take the mickey out of each other, playfight etc. Because we both enjoy it. And would both stop if the other wasn't in the mood.

OP's partner isn't someone with a good sense of humour, he's a bloke who enjoys making her uncomfortable and pissed off.

OP isn't someone 'serious' without a sense of humour, she just doesn't enjoy being physically prodded etc.

It's really disappointing people are equating having boundaries / preferences with being boring.

Out of interest, would you tell your child they should let people tickle them even if they don't enjoy it and it makes them anxious, otherwise they don't have a sense of humour and are no fun?

"I was only messing around," is a bully's defence.

It's one thing when you're first going out and they dont know your limits on stuff like that, but you learn about each other when you date. By the time you're living together, he should know and understand and respect your boundaries. He isnt. So why are you living with him? Throw him back and catch another one.

I’ve spent the afternoon thinking about things (I’m in my bedroom as I can’t stop thinking).

I never used to have anxiety about being touched. I used to horseplay with my siblings but if I put my foot in their face to wind them up I could expect to have my toes bitten. If they would have pulled my duvet off me they’d expect for me to pin them to the ground using it. I don’t want a partner that constantly does one thing that really fucking annoys me as he’s bored and enjoys winding me up.

I think the anxiety/tension has came from that he doesn’t stop unless I loose my shit and he’ll keep upping it until I do. In the past he’s tickled me that I’ve actually pissed myself (when I told him explicitly that I hate been tickled) or I’ve had my arms and legs pinned down (and I’ve had a full blown panic attack).

He also does it when I’m being quiet or as he says boring. I’m sure even butlins redcoats or Peter Kay has to have some down time especially if they’ve just woke up, got a hangover and trying to sort out plans via text. I get he’s bored when I’m having a lie in (I don’t get much sleep during the week and I usually have plans at the weekends so the occasional lie in is my idea of perfection!) and he’s always up at the crack of dawn. It’s a pattern that happens every time we’re both free at the weekends and it would be nice to be able to have a relaxing Saturday morning without been irritated for the fun of it. I guess it’s my fault as I didn’t ask him last night not to annoy me in the morning as I wanted a relaxing morning (yep I have to do that).

The first few times Id play along, but after YEARS of explaining in every way possible I ended up welling up begging him to stop doing it as it would be nice to be able to relax/have down time in my own house.

I’m not sure how many times I’ve told him to not touch my belly when I wake up as I usually need a wee and it actually hurts. He tells me it doesn’t hurt and still does it.

@diddl

"I think your hangover didn't help, but, this is something my DP would do to me if I was hungover and spent our day off in bed. However I don't have an issue with, just find it annoying as fuck"

So if it's annoying as fuck, not tell him not to do it?

I have told him, but also in my case, having a hangover is annoying as fuck as well.

Dump the fucker.

He’s not ‘mucking about for fun’, he’s deliberately irritating you or upsetting you so he can get what he wants, which is you toeing the line (his line). It’s about him being in control because you aren’t doing what he wants.

Dump him.

God he sounds like a fucking tedious little prick. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong so he's never going to stop. You're good sport for him for when he's bored. He doesn't respect you.

@NxnAllInclusive

I’ve spent the afternoon thinking about things (I’m in my bedroom as I can’t stop thinking).

I never used to have anxiety about being touched. I used to horseplay with my siblings but if I put my foot in their face to wind them up I could expect to have my toes bitten. If they would have pulled my duvet off me they’d expect for me to pin them to the ground using it. I don’t want a partner that constantly does one thing that really fucking annoys me as he’s bored and enjoys winding me up.

I think the anxiety/tension has came from that he doesn’t stop unless I loose my shit and he’ll keep upping it until I do. In the past he’s tickled me that I’ve actually pissed myself (when I told him explicitly that I hate been tickled) or I’ve had my arms and legs pinned down (and I’ve had a full blown panic attack).

He also does it when I’m being quiet or as he says boring. I’m sure even butlins redcoats or Peter Kay has to have some down time especially if they’ve just woke up, got a hangover and trying to sort out plans via text. I get he’s bored when I’m having a lie in (I don’t get much sleep during the week and I usually have plans at the weekends so the occasional lie in is my idea of perfection!) and he’s always up at the crack of dawn. It’s a pattern that happens every time we’re both free at the weekends and it would be nice to be able to have a relaxing Saturday morning without been irritated for the fun of it. I guess it’s my fault as I didn’t ask him last night not to annoy me in the morning as I wanted a relaxing morning (yep I have to do that).

The first few times Id play along, but after YEARS of explaining in every way possible I ended up welling up begging him to stop doing it as it would be nice to be able to relax/have down time in my own house.

I’m not sure how many times I’ve told him to not touch my belly when I wake up as I usually need a wee and it actually hurts. He tells me it doesn’t hurt and still does it.

Hopefully the people who have excused his behaviour / minimised it / made out you're being a bad sport etc read this properly and realise how ridiculous their previous posts were.

He's horrible. He's a bully. He enjoys making you feel anxious, on edge and upset.

He's not a suitable life partner.

Don't spend any more years on someone who enjoys you feeling shit

Your not compatible. He doesnt listen to you

In this instance, I don't think that you being ND is even relevant. I do not for the life of me, ever understand why people think it's fun to 'wind you up', when they know it fucking pisses you off. It's a massive personal bugbear of mine.

I think he sounds abusive.

You soiled yourself because he refused to stop.

OP, you are in a really awful relationship and that you don't realise it, makes you so vulnerable.

What are your living arrangements?

Whose house is it?

If its yours, ask him to leave and get him out.

This is not a good man.

He is abusive scum.

No wonder you have anxiety.

It’s not your fault. You shouldn’t have to tell him not to be abusive. It’s not about touching and being nd, it’s about him being a bully and an abuser.

I also think this is abusive. You have repeatedly told him you don't want him to do it, yet he still does. Bottom line: I would leave someone that treated me like this.

He’s childish and was deliberately goading you. Yanbu.

YANBU. He sounds like a immature, selfish dickhead.

I’ve been a victim of domestic abuse before and honestly this behaviour is settling off all kind of red flags for me. I’m amazed how little some people are making of it. I love physical touch unlike you but wouldn’t enjoy my stomach being shaken and jiggled as there is an element of humiliation there (especially if he knows you’ve weed yourself before with this), and I also think there is an element of nastiness/intended humiliation in poking your boob with his toe - with his hand or your foot with his toe is different. Like this is the sort of thing people go to a dominatrix for right?! To be humiliated and treated like crap BY CONSENT. This is nasty and controlling behaviour, especially given that you’ve made it clear you don’t enjoy it and when he knows it can lead you to have a panic attack. It’s absolutely nasty and bullying behaviour and I think you are having a real and honest reaction to that and should listen to yourself and kick him out. You’ve tried explaining nicely that you don’t like it and asked him to stop, this is going to escalate in the future if you don’t split up I guarantee you.