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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas party - no one likes me

126 replies

Lampadoo123 · 11/12/2021 09:37

Informal work party, I went along for a drink and realised that no one likes me at all. People who at work say hello and are polite, looked visibly uncomfortable with speaking with me - wanted to get away.

I go to work and get on with my job, I’m friendly and polite but not ‘friends’ with anyone. I thought this might be an opportunity to get to know people better but no one wanted to chat (even though everyone else was) or include me in their groups.

It’s made me realise that I am really disliked. I am being promoted soon and working with a new team. I don’t know what I have done to be so unpopular and I don’t know how to fix it

Aibu to ask for your advice?

OP posts:
DownToTheSeaAgain · 11/12/2021 09:41

To my mind a lot of how people feel about you exists in your own mind rather than being a reflection of how they actually feel.

Did you walk up and interrupt them in the middle of another conversation? Did you wait to be talked to? How you are in yourself and how you behave completely affects the way you think people feel about you.

How about reaching out to individual colleagues on a 1:1 basis at work - chatting at the water cooler or having lunch together. When you feel more comfortable with them they will be more comfortable with you.

Darkpheonix · 11/12/2021 09:42

I would guess if people dont know you that well, the can't really dislike or like you.

The problem with work does, is that people do have their own groups. If you don't have a group of work friends and just work acquaintance, it won't flow that well.

I would always try and make someone feel included but if the interaction doesn't feel easy, it's just awkward. And people want to talk to people they do know well.

Work friendships are built in work.

Maybe it's not that they dont like you but don't feel you make an effort at work to get to know them.
I doubt they all don't like you for no reason.

MsAgnesDiPesto · 11/12/2021 09:44

Oh, this is horrible for you.

Were any of the people you felt were hostile in competition with you for the promotion? If so that can lead to resentment, as unprofessional as it is. Are other (crappy) people supporting a popular person who they think should have got the job?

Has anything else you can think of happened? Even someth8ng which feels small to you which might have upset someone?

If all the answers are no, you might just have a bunch of assholes as co-workers. It’s not as uncommon as you might think.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 11/12/2021 09:44

You poor thing, I have had that before and it felt awful. In all likelihood you and your colleagues are just a bad fit, maybe have different interests and priorities. Do you have banter with them, as I find this is often important for bonding? Hopefully the new team will be better.

garlictwist · 11/12/2021 09:47

I doubt people dislike you - probably they have no opinion of you whatsoever. I am a bit like that at my work - I am not friends with anyone and don't really chat but I don't think people hate me as I am not a bad person and have done nothing wrong.

AllKnowingGerbil · 11/12/2021 09:52

I often feel like this. I'm a massive introvert and have the same professional relationship with colleagues that you describe. However I dont think people dislike us/you, they dont know you well and it's hard to shift gear into friendly banter when you've only ever had work-based small talk.

RampantIvy · 11/12/2021 09:58

I'm inclined to agree with Darkpheonix. If you make no effort to get to know the people you work with they just won't know whether they like you or not. They just don’t know you.

It's human nature that people gravitate towards the people they feel that they know better. We had our Christmas do this week, and basically all the people who work in the same teams stuck with their teams and didn't really mingle. Not everyone I work with is an extrovert, but even the very introverted team members engage with the rest of the team.

There is a school of thought on mumsnet that you don't go to work to make friends, which I disagree with. Why on earth not? Why does it matter where you make friends?

DownToTheSeaAgain has given you some good advice about trying to get to know people.

Tiredalwaystired · 11/12/2021 10:25

You need to remember that colleague relationships aren’t real friendships. Occasionally you get lucky and hit gold but you’re there to get a job and earn money, not find your BFF.

Also if you’re a manager then sometimes it makes friendships more tricky at work (they say it’s lonely at the top)

Keep doing you, earn the money, and spend it with your real mates. Don’t sweat it.

catlover2015 · 11/12/2021 10:26

Talk about your new baby to break the ice.

HappyMeal564 · 11/12/2021 10:27

No advice but hope you're ok Flowers

icedcoffees · 11/12/2021 10:28

Why do you think they dislike you?

If you're not friends with anyone during the working day, they're very likely to be feel awkward talking to you outside of work as they just don't know anything about you.

You get out of work relationships/friendships what you put in IMO. Some people are happy just doing their jobs and coming home (and that's absolutely fine) but you can't put in no effort all year and then expect the Christmas party to be any different imo.

RampantIvy · 11/12/2021 10:32

You get out of work relationships/friendships what you put in IMO. Some people are happy just doing their jobs and coming home (and that's absolutely fine) but you can't put in no effort all year and then expect the Christmas party to be any different imo.

Harsh, but unfortunately, very true.

Ponoka7 · 11/12/2021 10:33

I'd say that it could be the promotion. Did the group's include managers, or just people at your current level? Not wanting to be friends with someone is different to disliking them. As long as you are respected in work.

HundredMilesAnHour · 11/12/2021 10:36

@catlover2015

Talk about your new baby to break the ice.
Don't do this!! How to bore people senseless plus make it all about you. Hmm
User310 · 11/12/2021 10:38

I dont think it will be because they dislike you, they probably just dont know how to relate to you and have stronger friendships with others so it is less effort to interact.

Freddiefox · 11/12/2021 10:39

Do you make an effort for talk to them at work. Sometimes when you’re at a party you want to have fun not make small talk about babies.

Make small talk every day and build relationships.

RampantIvy · 11/12/2021 10:44

Where does the OP say that she has a baby?

EnrouteNOTonroute · 11/12/2021 10:46

How long have you worked there?

Monolithique · 11/12/2021 10:54

Sorry to hear this. Your colleagues sound rude tbh. Freddifox is right , do the whole smalltalk at work will help.

From experience I don't go to work Xmas parties unless its a sit down meal with ppl I know.

FortunesFave · 11/12/2021 11:00

Is this a new thing for you or just at work? If you make friends out of work or have old friends you've kept then it's unlikely to be you. If you struggle with friends in general, there might be something you can do about it.

AnFiaRuaNua · 11/12/2021 11:00

I feel like this in some groups but not in others. In my own extended family I was cast out (through silences, nobody ever reacting - never mind laughing or smiling- in response to my comment or contribution) but then at work, even though I'm a good bit older than the majority, it feels easy enough.

There are a few people who I like, but their stories can be a bit too long for a party. Don't mind at break at work, but last night at xmas party I confess I did feel oh please get to the end of this story!

I think it helps to just listen and chip in with a sentence at a time.

AnFiaRuaNua · 11/12/2021 11:02

ps, not saying your stories are too long!

What you describe sounds like you don't know them well and vice versa so it's not easy to just naturally join in.

NinaDefoe · 11/12/2021 11:08

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being the friendly person who smiles and says hello to everyone. You’re doing nothing wrong. People are wrapped up in themselves. Maybe they have been working together for years and don’t bother with anyone outside of their little group, maybe they are the ones that aren’t that friendly.
Who knows.
Either way, do your job, be polite and friendly to everyone when you are there and concentrate on your life and family outside of work.

Stoic123 · 11/12/2021 11:10

If you are normally polite but distant, they'll have probably just felt a bit awkward/disconcerted if you suddenly started behaving differently at the party. Unlikely to be an active dislike unless there's a back story.

People like consistency, it makes them feel comfortable.

As PP have said, needs to be all the time. If you want to have more friendly relations with the new team, join in their chit-chat and take a friendly interest in them from day one. Draw people out with gentle questions, listen much more than you speak and avoid expressing controversial opinions - you'll be fine.

KatherineJaneway · 11/12/2021 11:10

I go to work and get on with my job, I’m friendly and polite but not ‘friends’ with anyone. I thought this might be an opportunity to get to know people better but no one wanted to chat (even though everyone else was) or include me in their groups.

I suspect this is what has done it. You are polite and professional day to day but haven't gotten to know anyone so far. Suddenly taking an interest at a Christmas party might seem a bit weird to some attendees, they might be taken aback that you suddenly want to know them.

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