Christmas party - no one likes me

[Lampadoo123]

Informal work party, I went along for a drink and realised that no one likes me at all. People who at work say hello and are polite, looked visibly uncomfortable with speaking with me - wanted to get away.

I go to work and get on with my job, I’m friendly and polite but not ‘friends’ with anyone. I thought this might be an opportunity to get to know people better but no one wanted to chat (even though everyone else was) or include me in their groups.

It’s made me realise that I am really disliked. I am being promoted soon and working with a new team. I don’t know what I have done to be so unpopular and I don’t know how to fix it

Aibu to ask for your advice?

@AnFiaRuaNua

I feel like this in some groups but not in others. In my own extended family I was cast out (through silences, nobody ever reacting - never mind laughing or smiling- in response to my comment or contribution) but then at work, even though I'm a good bit older than the majority, it feels easy enough.

There are a few people who I like, but their stories can be a bit too long for a party. Don't mind at break at work, but last night at xmas party I confess I did feel oh please get to the end of this story!

I think it helps to just listen and chip in with a sentence at a time.

Funnily enough this was what came to my mind too..there's a woman at work who is nice and everything but she speaks very slowly and takes a long time to tell me things...socially...and I find her a bit of a chore.

@RampantIvy

Where does the OP say that she has a baby?

This is what I was wondering?

I doubt whether they actively dislike you, more that they don't find you easy company. I am that person too,my own lack of social skills mean I'm not easy to talk to. I really admire people who are.

it could be just communication,
do you communicate well?
open ended questions?
why doesnt the conversation flow?
are you unattractive?

Some people have work and personal relationships with their colleagues. Some simply have work relationships. At a party it's natural to gravitate to those you have a personal relationship with as its simply easier to make non-work conversation with them. You have obvious subjects to talk about.

I am both like you, and like your colleagues. I probably wouldn't go up to you to talk to, because don't find party small talk easy and we haven't established a personal life connection. Likewise people are unlikely to come up to me because I don't give off the kind of vibes that say "here's someone you can easily talk to about nothing in particular".

It's nothing to do with dislike on either side, so please don't read too much into this. I like my colleagues and they seem to like me perfectly well in our day to day interaction.

I agree that much if this is in your own mind.

People are extremely unlikely to have actively taken a dislike to you. If you’re a bit nervous socially, you might well interpret people behaviour as unfriendliness or dislike, when it isn’t actually there….you’re probably hyper sensitive.

It often helps to join a group conversation rather than 1-2-1. It’s less intense and there’s scope for just standing and smiling and nodding and making the odd comment rather than needing to carry a whole conversation….that applies to everyone. 1-2-1s, especially with someone you don’t know much about and who barely knows you can be awkward for lots of people.

People gravitate to people they know well, as it’s easier. I wouldn’t take it personally op.

If you are not 'friends' with anyone at work, it stands to reason most of the people attending the party will probably want to hang out with their work friends, it is not personal, how could it be? They don't know you very well at all.

I would focus on your job and role, you are clearly doing well to get promoted, and I would avoid socialising with work going forward and see your own friends. Sometimes work and social lives don't mix well, and I think as long as you are polite, approachable, can hold every day small talk and can do your job extremely well (seems already proved) I wouldn't be chasing after the work gang, maybe some of the reason why you were considered for promotion is your ability to stay uninvolved with the politics etc. I wouldn't worry about it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being the friendly person who smiles and says hello to everyone. You’re doing nothing wrong. People are wrapped up in themselves.

In fairness, if the OP was smiley and friendly all year, she would probably be better integrated with her colleagues. What you can't do is be brisk and businesslike all year, and then change the script for one evening out.

OP I'm certain that nobody dislikes you at all. They just barely know you and would rather gossip with their friends on a fun night out rather than making polite conversation.

When you start in your new role, have a think whether you want to build actual friendships with your team this time (there are pros and cons).

I don't think it is you, some people are inclusive and will make an effort to help those outside become part of the conversation, other people don't give it a second thought.
You're friendly and polite that should be enough.
I'm a bit of a Mammy hen I'm conscious of how someone is left out, I'll try include them.

As others have said, there's possibly no right or wrong in this. Lots of people who work together are genuine friends so would be at ease socialising with each other. You can't just attempt to be a friend with someone one night a year and expect to be widely welcomed into a social group. There's nothing wrong with how you conduct yourself at work but surely you can see how this social situation has arisen.

OP do you engage with them like you have with posters on this thread which you specifically created for responses? That might be the problem.

People use the christmas party to have fun with their work friends - if you have been keeping your distance and only having a professional relationship the rest of the time then people will treat you like that, the party isn't the place to get to know people especially if you have been there a while and made no previous effort to get to know them, I doubt they actively dislike you but they probably found it awkward to have you suddenly trying to join in their friendship groups when you never have before.

If you want people to be friendly with you at the next christmas party, make some effort towards those friendships the rest of the year round.

Im a people person and i go to work and check everyone is ok, what theuve beenup to etc as a way of checking in on wellbeing and the more i know people the easier it is picking up when people are off and might be struggling. So if youre a "works work" person people might find it jarring, or like you arent acrually that bothered consistently.

Otherwise the people i avoid at work are over chatty (not you!), talk too long, talk exclusively about themselves or turn every conversation about them or ask too personal questions. If you arent doing any of that youre fine and its not you xx

They probably don't like or dislike you, as PP have said.
I realised, too late, that groups of people would meet together before the event, in a pub or at someone's house, have a few drinks then come to the work do. Me, I just turned up at the work do, alone and stone cold sober. Then wondered why nobody was speaking to me, but it's just I wasn't in a group. Is this you, OP?

Hello, thanks for your messages, I can understand that being extra friendly might seem a bit odd if I usually keep conversations at a surface level. I am socially a bit awkward but take time to ask people real questions about themselves, listen and am openly interested.

Something I have noticed is that people often talk about nothing, as in nothing of substance. I’m not saying I am more intellectual or anything (maybe I am a bit serious though) but I find it hard to contribute to really silly conversations. Maybe this makes me seem superior or something, it’s hard to explain, and when I see this written it seems a bit that way.

I work directly with some COVID deniers so find that difficult. Others who seem more like my kind of people are all grouped up. I don’t know how to take a quick chat at the water cooler to the next level. Any ideas?

The promotion has not yet been announced so there shouldn’t be any conflict there.

@Tiredalwaystired

You need to remember that colleague relationships aren’t real friendships. Occasionally you get lucky and hit gold but you’re there to get a job and earn money, not find your BFF.

Also if you’re a manager then sometimes it makes friendships more tricky at work (they say it’s lonely at the top)

Keep doing you, earn the money, and spend it with your real mates. Don’t sweat it.

You need to remember that colleague relationships aren’t real friendships.

This is such a common thought on MN but I don’t understand it. I have friends inside and outside of work, a lot of my good friends I met in work and god forbid we meet up outside work of our own accord too! These days where you can meet friends on the internet and anywhere does it matter where you make friends? Yes I don’t ever look to make friends in work, but when you’re in close proximity to people and generally get on well with certain ones, it happens and a work friend is just as valid as other friends.

Also, other friends are what, school friends, Uni friends? Mum friends? You’ve just been dumped in a situation with people and found out you like a few of them and become friends. Same as in work, what’s the difference?

Sorry to hear that OP :( At least you have a fresh start in a new group coming up, it's a good opportunity to shake things up. My advice is cake. I've make loads of friends through the power of cake.

@Lampadoo123

Hello, thanks for your messages, I can understand that being extra friendly might seem a bit odd if I usually keep conversations at a surface level. I am socially a bit awkward but take time to ask people real questions about themselves, listen and am openly interested.

Something I have noticed is that people often talk about nothing, as in nothing of substance. I’m not saying I am more intellectual or anything (maybe I am a bit serious though) but I find it hard to contribute to really silly conversations. Maybe this makes me seem superior or something, it’s hard to explain, and when I see this written it seems a bit that way.

I work directly with some COVID deniers so find that difficult. Others who seem more like my kind of people are all grouped up. I don’t know how to take a quick chat at the water cooler to the next level. Any ideas?

I very much identify with you OP and this thread has been quite eye-opening for me, along with a lot of threads on here since I joined.

I’m very reserved around people I don’t know and find groups intimidating, but I can remember times when I’ve taken a deep breath and plucked up the courage to be chatty - and I definitely got looks of bewilderment!

I clearly just made them uncomfortable because I wasn’t acting consistently with what they’re used to. That’s really useful information to me.

I read on another thread about the importance of small talk. Like you, I have always been so confused about other people’s chit chat. So much verbal “nothing” ! I live with someone who verbalises every thought and I have to hide from them when I’m tired.

Not to armchair diagnose you OP, but this seems to be a topic talked about openly on here and might be of interest:

I fit the profile for female ADHD and relate to women who have discovered they are autistic in adulthood. I’m wondering if neuro-typical people (mostly) know to “chit-chat” to bond, whereas neuro-diverse people (mostly) do not..?

They're seeing you in a different context and maybe just don't know you well enough. Work do's are a pain and it's as much about going along and showing your face. I went to my works meal out during the week, the food wasn't suitable for me at all and all I had was a Greek salad minus the feta because I'm vegan and some hummous with flatbreads. Other colleagues shared bottles of wine but I was driving and couldn't. Bill came and was split evenly, my pathetic meal cost me £45 but you smile ,wish them a Happy Christmas and go on your way until next year.

They sense you aren't interested in getting to know them.

You can't expect to turn up at the Christmas party and have interaction with them out of nowhere.
You clearly DO believe yourself to be more cerebral than them. ("Silly conversations", "Covid deniers" and other pejorative comments)
They probably see you as supercilious, a snob and not a team player.

How can you work with no decent friendships/relationships at work when co-operation and trust can mean everything? People will go the extra mile for you when they like you. People will give up their lunch hour to help you out with something if they life you. You do the same back for them and that's how industry thrives.

Do you realise that trust is built through communication, and communication starts with small talk and chat? They don't know you and they don't trust you.

It must be very hard for you now. if you don't actually need good relationships with colleagues to do your work efficiently, then you could WFH.

You need to work on your small talk. Work chat is usually inconsequential crap as they are work mates not usually close friends.

I work with a lady who things she’s more intelligent than others, I avoid her if I can. Always say hello, but try to keep conversation to a minimum, I’m not up for a deep and meaningful conversation at every turn.

It's probably not a case of not liking you, but rather a case of finding it difficult or awkward to interact with you socially.

I work with people who are lovely but are hard work socially. They just don't know how to engage in conversation, asking the other people questions etc. And it gets exhausting when I am the one always driving the conversation without being asked anything in return.

I used to work with a lady who was great at conversations on a one to one basis. But the second anyone else joined a conversation or group, you could almost physically see her withdraw into herself. Her posture would change, she would clam up and she would never speak. It was hard because I always made an effort to include her, but I felt like I couldn't always do that successfully without excluding other people. Which was impossible when in a large group meeting or out as a large group.