Christmas party - no one likes me

[Lampadoo123]

Informal work party, I went along for a drink and realised that no one likes me at all. People who at work say hello and are polite, looked visibly uncomfortable with speaking with me - wanted to get away.

I go to work and get on with my job, I’m friendly and polite but not ‘friends’ with anyone. I thought this might be an opportunity to get to know people better but no one wanted to chat (even though everyone else was) or include me in their groups.

It’s made me realise that I am really disliked. I am being promoted soon and working with a new team. I don’t know what I have done to be so unpopular and I don’t know how to fix it

Aibu to ask for your advice?

@Mls1984btc

For me a party is somewhere a person can actually take off the professional outfit for once and loosen up a bit.

Isn’t there should be some sort of boundary between professional and social setting?

I will gladly welcome someone who seems uptight and reserved at work into my group IF he/she is willing rather than excluding them from the onset. You never know but people can sometimes surprise you!

But (for me anyway) it's hard to suddenly try and be friends with someone who's never shown any interest in you the entire time you've worked with them.

Yes, there should be some boundaries but at the same time, it's not hard to be kind and friendly to your colleagues either. If you want to have a strict divide between professional/personal at work, then you need to accept that will cause issues in social situations too.

Personally I get really thrown when people appear to switch their personalities all of a sudden. If I was one of OP's colleagues', I'd be wondering why she was suddenly wanting to talk to me when she'd never shown any interest before - it would make me a bit wary tbh.

I can still remembered the first time when I was a newbie at my first job’s Christmas party. I was so self conscious and awkward that I literally stood in the corner of the office wondering why the hell was I there while giving off this miserable and do not approach me vibe.

I was friendly and polite at work but will never try to assert myself into any conversation because well. I was the quiet one.

I will never forget how grateful I felt when this woman pulled me into the circle and chastised me for excluding myself. I was beaming the whole time afterwards because people realised I actually want to be part of the party, just not know how to.

Since then I always try to give people a benefit of doubt before I completely write them off.

So if someone do not normally likes to talk/ignore me at work suddenly takes an interest at my me/my group and I can see that this person is struggling in a do, why not be a bigger person and invite said person into the circle? That person might open up more in the future rather than confirming the fact people at work actually do not like her/him?

I have always had friends at work but recently I was moved into an established team where everyone knew each other well. We had a team day out and I went along excited to get to know everyone, and disappointingly, I felt a bit like you. People weren’t unfriendly or hostile but they didn’t seem that keen to talk to me. I was a bit taken aback and also thought that maybe they didn’t like me either. However, since then I have made more effort at work to get to know people on an individual basis. I try to remember personal things about people and then ask them about it. I am more smiley and open and ask them for advice. I have offered help on things too and generally have gone out of my way to be interested in people I hadn’t talked to much before. It has massively helped and I just know I am more accepted now. I actually think I was being a bit naive and overconfident originally to waltz in and expect to be one of the gang. You kind of have to prove to people that you are the kind of person they will like or want in their friendship group. And I really think doing it one on one, rather than in a group setting is the way to do it. Good luck.

I know how this feels OP because I have experienced it many times. I pretty much gave up in the end. DP doesn't want me to have friends of my own anyway so that pretty much took the problem away also I had a job the last 20 years where I didn't really have to interact much with people as well.

@WallaceinAnderland

I think the baby thing was a joke because it's usually understood that there's very little more boring than someone gushing about their baby.

Ah, I see! Thank you that would make sense

I think there's a difference between welcoming the newbie, and suddenly experiencing a long-term member of staff changing their personality.

OF course it would be lovely if people included everyone else automatically, but in reality it will be hard when you choose not to be friendly at work and suddenly expect things to be different on social occasions. Most people don't work like that.

@icedcoffees but the OP is friendly at work (at least she said she is) just not part of the clique. Different personalities and interests at work. You will always find that you are more comfortable with certain colleagues but actively excluding someone at the do, especially when that person has not done something that’s sabotaging is very unkind in my opinion. Did you write your response with someone on your mind? Is that person two-faced/a backstabbed? If so I do not blame you for steering clear of such person.

I guess we all speak from our work experience and the OP is now seeking advice on how to improve for the new job.

I have always found that people who tend to be unwelcoming/not make an effort with the newbie are normally already in either a established group themselves or dislike changes. Is as if they forgot they used to be new once at least.

Agreed with what previous PP said about starts small by having 1:1 conversation. Make an effort to know your colleagues for sure but at the same time do not do this at the risk of losing your true self.

I just think there's a difference between being polite and friendly and actually making an effort to get to know your colleagues @Mls1984btc

I've worked with plenty of people who have been polite and friendly, but they all clearly had barriers up and didn't want to actually make friends with anyone. It all felt incredibly superficial, if that makes sense?

So if those people then suddenly became very friendly and interested in my personal life, I'd wonder what had changed and why they'd never bothered with me before.

But as you say, we're all different and we all go on our personal experiences. I struggled a lot with workplace politics and found it very hard to work with people who seemed to switch their personalities overnight.

@icedcoffees I know a few colleagues I will avoid at all cost myself 😜

[quote Mls1984btc]@icedcoffees I know a few colleagues I will avoid at all cost myself 😜[/quote]
That may be one of the reasons I went self-employed and decided to work with animals instead

I really don't know OP I've worked in places where I haven't made a single friend and others where I've had loads.
My current workplace I have lots of good friends. Previous place none.

I think the baby comment was meant to be a 'Boris' joke.

This is horrible and they are rude, I would never leave people out like this unless I had a genuine problem with the person which I doubt your colleagues do with you

I'm sure they don't dislike you!
They just feel awkward around someone they don't know that well.
I'm sorry you feel so down on yourself

Congratulations on your promotion.

I am in the same boat as you and dreading the Christmas do this year. I still need to show my face as I will have clients at the do.

Is it bad to wish it gets cancel 😅?

If you smile and ask people questions about themselves the you can’t go to far wrong - do you do this? Or do you expect the convo to be about you?

** They sense you aren't interested in getting to know them.

You can't expect to turn up at the Christmas party and have interaction with them out of nowhere.
You clearly DO believe yourself to be more cerebral than them. ("Silly conversations", "Covid deniers" and other pejorative comments)
They probably see you as supercilious, a snob and not a team player.**

^This

Something I have noticed is that people often talk about nothing, as in nothing of substance. I’m not saying I am more intellectual or anything (maybe I am a bit serious though) but I find it hard to contribute to really silly conversations.

People go to parties to have fun, 'silly' conversations are part of that. If you are looking down your nose at 'silly' topics, people will pick up on that and turn away from you.

I think either

People were uncomfortable because you have decided to change how you interact with them and it threw them off.

Or you come across like you do on the later post here and they think, that you feel you are better than they are. So feel uncomfortable.

Probably a mix of the 2. They don't dislike you because they don't know you.

Also, the promotion maybe the reason you think it would be good to get to know people, but slow down.

If people have noticed a big I turn in your behaviour, when the promotion is announced people will assume that was the only reason for your about turn on getting to know them and its like to come across as fake. That's nor going to help you.

Just start interacting with them in the office more. A manager who is respected and liked, finds their job easier that one who is just respected. So it's a good idea to get on more friendly terms with people.

But you established this status quo, you need to establish a new one. Rather than just assume they while automatically act in a new way, instantly, because you wanted them to.

Sometimes our perceptions are in our head but I believe you that if you felt really uncomfortable like that then something is going on there. It might very well be that they have established cliques and bond over whatever shared commonality they have and you simply don't fit into this. I can feel like this when in a group of very long standing friends I've known years. I'm different, I'm single and very happy being single, I don't use social media and various other things that make me different to the group think. It is so often about them and their own issues. Continue being polite, pleasant, interested in others without kissing ass. What more can you do.

I agree with the advice to get to know people better 1 on 1. It is so much easier and gives you a real chance to connect. Women in groups can behave completely differently to how they would alone. If there is a very specific behaviour that may be behind any of their negative vibes towards you you're more likely to get to the bottom of it through 1 on 1 connections x

Gosh, I read this very differently to everyone else.

Firstly I would say that this could just be your perception. Sometimes office parties are incredibly awkward, particularly for people who are introverts. A bit of awkwardness certainly doesn't mean people don't like you.

I wouldn't read that into it. They might just not (yet) know what to say to you. It sounds like awkwardness rather than dislike. Unless you can remember lots of times you've been a total bitch, or have had lots of rows with people it's unlikely they have strong feelings.

Secondly, people are generally at least fairly open to get to know someone new, so don't give up. Social anxiety can mean our own perception of other people's responses are more negative than reality. Many people will forgive and forget as long as you make an effort.

In terms of conversational success, try reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It sounds cheesy but the book isn't aimed at cynically manipulating people, it's a genuine guide to building relationships, starting with "developing a genuine interest in other people".

As an introvert, it gave me some basic tips on how to interact.

Maybe you appear unapproachable as you just get on with work, meaning people don’t really know what 5o say to you. On social occasions ask questions to find out about people and pay compliments without seeming too over the top. I’m sure with a little effort you’ll find things in common and start getting to know others, it will be hard

Sorry to hear you feel like this. I think it’s more common than you think to feel this way at work. Have you been there long? Sometimes it can take a long time to get comfortable with people in a workplace and you may need to make more effort to make small talk with colleagues and get to know them a bit. Try asking a few questions.
Most of us spend something like 70% of our awake time at work so people shouldn’t rule out making friends at work. It can be tricky to meet people elsewhere as a working adult!

I just saw your post ref silly conversations. I like this up to a limit too so completely understand. I don't read this as you thinking you're better than them either. Not all of us get positive vibes from endless discussions regarding ones weight, Facebook posts and whether their husband likes a smiley syrup face in their porridge for breakfast. On some level, 1 on 1, you will find common ground and greater depth to them I'm sure of it. Good luck!

There’s a woman I don’t really like spending time with in work. It’s not that I don’t like her, it’s just she’s annoying. She interrupts conversations, lies about her past exploits, and just talks about herself all the time… it’s usually the same old stuff too.

I sound like a bitch, but I’m not. She’s quite sensitive so I make an effort to chat to her and take and interest at least twice a week. But the rest of the time I avoid her