Christmas party - no one likes me

[Lampadoo123]

Informal work party, I went along for a drink and realised that no one likes me at all. People who at work say hello and are polite, looked visibly uncomfortable with speaking with me - wanted to get away.

I go to work and get on with my job, I’m friendly and polite but not ‘friends’ with anyone. I thought this might be an opportunity to get to know people better but no one wanted to chat (even though everyone else was) or include me in their groups.

It’s made me realise that I am really disliked. I am being promoted soon and working with a new team. I don’t know what I have done to be so unpopular and I don’t know how to fix it

Aibu to ask for your advice?

Relationships at work are built through the "silly" conversations.

I am in a very intellectually demanding role but it is definitely the chatting with others about "nothing much" that has helped build relationships and also to diffuse difficult situations. Seeing this small talk as."silly" is quite ill judged.

I'm a bit of a Mammy hen I'm conscious of how someone is left out, I'll try include them.

Our line manager is like that, and so are we. Some of us are much more introverted than others, and we always make them feel welcome and included in conversations.

You need to remember that colleague relationships aren’t real friendships.

This is such a common thought on MN but I don’t understand it. I have friends inside and outside of work, a lot of my good friends I met in work and god forbid we meet up outside work of our own accord too!

I totally agree with you @dropitlikeitsloth. I really don’t understand people who aren’t open to new friendships and feel like they have to have a cap on the number of friends they have. I think one of the reasons the team I work in work so well together is that we actually like each other, and do socialise outside of work occasionally. A lot of DH’s and my older friendships are all from various workplaces. We live hundreds of miles away from where we both grew up and went to school, so the basis for making new friends is often work.

@KeyboardWorriers

Relationships at work are built through the "silly" conversations.

I am in a very intellectually demanding role but it is definitely the chatting with others about "nothing much" that has helped build relationships and also to diffuse difficult situations. Seeing this small talk as."silly" is quite ill judged.

I agree. I love deep conversations but there’s a time and a place. I’d find it weird if someone came up to me and started a deep conversation without any warning or small talk first. Small talk is boring sometimes yes but it’s how you get to know someone enough to be able to have deep conversations imo.

@Lampadoo123

Informal work party, I went along for a drink and realised that no one likes me at all. People who at work say hello and are polite, looked visibly uncomfortable with speaking with me - wanted to get away.

I go to work and get on with my job, I’m friendly and polite but not ‘friends’ with anyone. I thought this might be an opportunity to get to know people better but no one wanted to chat (even though everyone else was) or include me in their groups.

It’s made me realise that I am really disliked. I am being promoted soon and working with a new team. I don’t know what I have done to be so unpopular and I don’t know how to fix it

Aibu to ask for your advice?

I consider myself to be the ultimate professional, I don't talk about my personal life, but I occasionally join in with the chit chat. I think I'm friendly, approachable & supportive. I've recently left my old team & joined another team. Prior to leaving my old team, I was told by three separate people, how much they disliked me when I first joined the team. But since they've had the opportunity to work with me & get to know the real me they've grown to really like me and will miss me.

Interestingly I've been welcomed & received into my new team very very differently. But I'm also a very different person to how I was when I joined my old team nearly two years ago.

If I was in your shoes, I would approach one person in the team you're about to leave & ask for some honest feedback.

@KeyboardWorriers

Relationships at work are built through the "silly" conversations.

I am in a very intellectually demanding role but it is definitely the chatting with others about "nothing much" that has helped build relationships and also to diffuse difficult situations. Seeing this small talk as."silly" is quite ill judged.

I very much agree with this ^^

I think people who are on the ASD spectrum find these "social rules" (for want of a better phrase) really difficult to negotiate.

We often have banter going on in Teams, but we all know that there is a time and a place. Injecting a bit of humour into the day makes life much more pleasant. It also gives us a chance to get to know each other on a more personal level, although when we are busy there is no time for banter and joking.

Just going into work, saying morning and keeping your head down and not uttering another word towards your fellow team members is a rather joyless way to work, especially if you have to work with other people.

That said, we do have some extremely introverted team members and they are quiet 95% of the time, but they know that we "get" them, and leave them to their own devices.

Christmas parties are for having fun with your work friends, not having deep intellectual conversations with Linda from IT who usually barely acknowledges you. You’ve got to start small and build up.

@Lampadoo123

Hello, thanks for your messages, I can understand that being extra friendly might seem a bit odd if I usually keep conversations at a surface level. I am socially a bit awkward but take time to ask people real questions about themselves, listen and am openly interested.

Something I have noticed is that people often talk about nothing, as in nothing of substance. I’m not saying I am more intellectual or anything (maybe I am a bit serious though) but I find it hard to contribute to really silly conversations. Maybe this makes me seem superior or something, it’s hard to explain, and when I see this written it seems a bit that way.

I work directly with some COVID deniers so find that difficult. Others who seem more like my kind of people are all grouped up. I don’t know how to take a quick chat at the water cooler to the next level. Any ideas?

Maybe they feel as though you look down on them with their "silly conversations" where they "talk about nothing"?

Because I'm socially awkward, I find other socially awkward people impossible to talk to. Try talking to the confident people.

@catlover2015

Talk about your new baby to break the ice.

What baby?!

What baby?!

🤣 I was thinking the same - Honestly I feel like I’m in a parallel dimension sometimes on some threads. Where has the OP said she has a new baby, where has this been plucked from? 🤣

@Lampadoo123 I just wanted to pop on to say you are not alone in this, though I got absolutely lambasted for a similar thread on here yesterday and people were that cruel, MN actually ended up having to remove the thread, at one of the most fragile times in my life right now! People can be vile.

Keep your chin up beautiful, I tell myself it could only be jealousy if you're like me and have done nothing but try & be nice to people

I do feel it goes both ways, I hate to see anyone looking lonely or excluded. I always try to include people in conversations if I see them looking a bit uncomfortable at parties or whatever - I don't necessarily expect someone who is a bit quiet to try to join in a conversation with a group - that is quite daunting.
If I'm in a group I will go up to someone who is on their own and say 'Hi you are Jenny aren't you - you work in accounts? Do you know Bob/Hilary/Mary - we were just saying how nice/hideous the food/music/drink is' and usher them over to the group. Or that kind of thing.
People seem to have a terror of being friendly or venturing outside their cliques, it costs nothing to be friendly to everyone and try to make sure everyone is having a good time, its part of being a team.
I don't think people dislike you OP - I think they are not making much effort. If you want to try a more one on one approach at the water cooler or coffee break, just ask questions - about people's family, their interests, what they are doing for Christmas etc. People like to be asked about themselves, compliment their clothes or hair or jewellery etc - just think of a few ice breakers, and hope they put in some effort just as you are doing.

You sound like a lovely person @AmyDudley 🥰

I think the baby thing was a joke because it's usually understood that there's very little more boring than someone gushing about their baby.

@ICouldHaveCheckedFirst

They probably don't like or dislike you, as PP have said. I realised, too late, that groups of people would meet together before the event, in a pub or at someone's house, have a few drinks then come to the work do. Me, I just turned up at the work do, alone and stone cold sober. Then wondered why nobody was speaking to me, but it's just I wasn't in a group. Is this you, OP?

Me too!

I find it so awkward to turn up on my own and truth be told I find it exhausting and couldn’t fully relax with my colleagues compare with my friends. The way they slag off other people always makes me beware that if this is the way they talked about the people that they are friendly with so what do they talked about behind my back.

Maybe I am being overly sensitive too but I reached an age where I am not second guessing myself anymore. That’s for when you are in your 20s 🤨

It sounds a bit like you were happy to be civil to your work colleagues, but not really engage with them, because to you your personal life came first (understandable). Now you have a promotion and need to get along with people, you've come to the Christmas party and expected people to be really excited to talk to you and make friends. It doesn't work like that; you need to invest some time and interest in others before they'll warm to you.

This is the down side of treating work as a necessary evil and not bothering with others and making friends. If you get promoted and need people on side, how you relate to people matters. And they will recognise that you're coming to a one off event and trying to ingratiate yourself when you never did before.

This is the down side of treating work as a necessary evil and not bothering with others and making friends

Unfortunately an awful lot of mumsnetters subscribe to this way of thinking.

Ruby Wax talks about this in her book Sane New World. You're imagining that they hate you, can't wait to get away from you, etc.

In reality there may be a boss on the other side of the room they want to suck up to, someone they fancy that they want to go and chat up, maybe they have a headache and can't be bothered to talk, maybe they can't stand parties and they just come across as rude.

The problem doesn't have to be you, thoughts are not facts.

I am in a similar position.

If we go for a meal, I can have conversation and be friendly with those I'm sitting around.

But drinks in a bar afterwards, where everyone is mingling? I feel there is no one I can approach and frankly, no one would notice if I just slipped out.

I think is really unfair and unkind to say to the person who obviously feels like an “outsider” is all in his/her head than to invite said person to the pre party drinks and try to know the person better.

Is really not hard to include people unless that person is behaving like he/she totally does not want to be in the group.

Is really not hard to include people unless that person is behaving like he/she totally does not want to be in the group.

I agree. We don't know whether the OP has given that impression when at work though.

@Mls1984btc

I think is really unfair and unkind to say to the person who obviously feels like an “outsider” is all in his/her head than to invite said person to the pre party drinks and try to know the person better.

Is really not hard to include people unless that person is behaving like he/she totally does not want to be in the group.

Hmm, I would disagree actually.

It can be really hard if someone acts one way at work (so 99% of the time you know them) and then appears to totally change for the Christmas party.

People like consistency and can feel a bit "thrown" if someone seemingly totally changes their personality overnight.

For me a party is somewhere a person can actually take off the professional outfit for once and loosen up a bit.

Isn’t there should be some sort of boundary between professional and social setting?

I will gladly welcome someone who seems uptight and reserved at work into my group IF he/she is willing rather than excluding them from the onset. You never know but people can sometimes surprise you!

It may be that there are friendship groups you're not really aware off, and that people are gravitating towards their friends without you knowing they ARE friends?