Christmas party - no one likes me

[Lampadoo123]

Informal work party, I went along for a drink and realised that no one likes me at all. People who at work say hello and are polite, looked visibly uncomfortable with speaking with me - wanted to get away.

I go to work and get on with my job, I’m friendly and polite but not ‘friends’ with anyone. I thought this might be an opportunity to get to know people better but no one wanted to chat (even though everyone else was) or include me in their groups.

It’s made me realise that I am really disliked. I am being promoted soon and working with a new team. I don’t know what I have done to be so unpopular and I don’t know how to fix it

Aibu to ask for your advice?

If you're moving to a new team (and your current colleagues know it) ask for 360⁰ feedback from them.

I don't want to sound horrible, I used to work with someone who had terrible breath and no one would stand with her as it was so strong .... but she was lovely and liked it was just difficult to chat to her .

Placemarking

It sounds more like they don’t know you more than not liking you. Perhaps you need to get to know them better, simple things like asking how they are or how their family are can make a big difference.

I understand this.

I'm an introvert and suspect that I'm autistic. I'm fine 1:1 but find small talk in groups very difficult. Group nights out are difficult so I tend to avoid those these days.

I have come to the conclusion that I am often misunderstood and not very well liked so I tend to keep a low profile. When people get to know me they often express surprise that they actually like me.

I'm very straightforward and I don't like drama. I much prefer harmony and for everyone to get on. Unfortunately, I think I'm perceived as being a bit abrupt and aloof.

I have met several good friends through work. We spend so much time together, it’s inevitable. Do you ever ask your colleagues about their lives? If you only talk shop, relationships won’t get any deeper. However I’m sure if you’re polite and friendly it’s not dislike, just a lack of relationship.

I don't like parties either. Existing social groups aren't going to suddenly invite you in, when you've shown no previous desire to partake. But nobody HATES you. They don't know you enough to do that.

You've been promoted so need to associate with your new peer group not your old colleagues who may feel awkward around you now.

@Lampadoo123

Hello, thanks for your messages, I can understand that being extra friendly might seem a bit odd if I usually keep conversations at a surface level. I am socially a bit awkward but take time to ask people real questions about themselves, listen and am openly interested.

Something I have noticed is that people often talk about nothing, as in nothing of substance. I’m not saying I am more intellectual or anything (maybe I am a bit serious though) but I find it hard to contribute to really silly conversations. Maybe this makes me seem superior or something, it’s hard to explain, and when I see this written it seems a bit that way.

I work directly with some COVID deniers so find that difficult. Others who seem more like my kind of people are all grouped up. I don’t know how to take a quick chat at the water cooler to the next level. Any ideas?

That's all quite judgey.

It's not a sign of intellectual superiority to be unable to adapt your conversational style to people around you, or to be able to engage with people who have different views. You sound a tad inflexible.

People often deliberately shy away from contentious topics at work because it's important to maintain good working relationships. The weather; TV; holidays - they're all good openers. Ask a question, smile and listen; offer something of yourself back. Then repeat.

As someone who is not good in groups, I understand how you feel. If there is loud music it's also difficult to hear people properly and get to know them. I'd suggest making an effort to chat to a few people in or around the office, gradually, find out if they have children or what they do at weekends etc. And then you'll have things to chat to them naturally about at future social events.
I started a new job two months ago and just had my first Christmas do with them. It was hard work at the beginning, with a lot of generic chitchat, although luckily there was another new starter (and once the wine flowed everyone was singing...)

They might not know you enough to be relaxed with you or they might just be rude.
You made the effort and ended up feeling worse so i wouldnt bother next time

@Ineedaduvetday

Something I have noticed is that people often talk about nothing, as in nothing of substance. I’m not saying I am more intellectual or anything (maybe I am a bit serious though) but I find it hard to contribute to really silly conversations.

People go to parties to have fun, 'silly' conversations are part of that. If you are looking down your nose at 'silly' topics, people will pick up on that and turn away from you.

This. Silly conversations is an art, if you are too serious all the time perhaps try see it as an experiment for yourself talking about all and nothing. You need to make an effort. Plan what to say if you have to. Ask how their weekend was, or are they doing anything fun on the weekend. Give small compliments and smile. You could be more intelligent, or not, it doesn’t really matter because social competence is also important. But then again, they simply might just not be the kind of people you have lots of things in common with.

I am not a Christmas "do" type of person as I prefer to keep my professional life and my social life separate, however I do join in with the day to day banter (not gossip) at work, but do not add anyone from work on social media. Try baking a batch of cakes and taking them into work for everyone to enjoy, this often works a treat.

Work relationships are weird - my old job we had an office with 2 teams in, always good relationships between us both or so we seemed as when it came to the work do they deliberately sat 2 tables away from us.

Tbf I no longer bother with work friendships - so much is false and often I’ve found they are extremely quick to stab you in the back

Quite glad I work from home full time now (new job) and always will since our office is about 4 hours drive away! No more fake forced work ‘friendships’!

Tbf I no longer bother with work friendships - so much is false and often I’ve found they are extremely quick to stab you in the back

Please don't tar all work friendships with the same brush. Not everyone who works in an office is a bitch.

@flowersforbrains

I understand this.

I'm an introvert and suspect that I'm autistic. I'm fine 1:1 but find small talk in groups very difficult. Group nights out are difficult so I tend to avoid those these days.

I have come to the conclusion that I am often misunderstood and not very well liked so I tend to keep a low profile. When people get to know me they often express surprise that they actually like me.

I'm very straightforward and I don't like drama. I much prefer harmony and for everyone to get on. Unfortunately, I think I'm perceived as being a bit abrupt and aloof.

This is me down to a T. I find in offices and very established friendship groups there's a lot of "banter" and in crowd speak where people are essentially talking about nothing. It's torturous.

Are you neurotypical?

If not, then that might be why you find the surface chitchat uninteresting.

I'm 50 and only in the last year, came to realise that I almost certainly (though not officially diagnosed) have ADHD.

Realising this made a LOT of things in my life make sense and brought me a new found understanding and some peace with many aspects of my life - one being friendships

I used to be like this and can sympathise OP. But when i started to engage more with people they started to engage more with me. Just aheppenes naturally.

Just started chatting more and showing an interest in them in matters outside of work. It’s true that you get back what you give out.

Work friendships can be heard and for majority they end once you’ve stopped working together.

In your new team you’d probably be better getting to know them slowly. Things like asking about what they did at the weekend as you can usually start gauge things about peoples life to make further small talk on.

I’ve found it hard where I work as I’m significantly younger that the majority of my peers and in a senior position. Our interests are totally different and hard percentage are married with kids and live what they call a ‘calmer’ life than me. In the previous section of the business I was pretty much the outcast due to everyone’s feelings towards me being single with no kids and no matter how hard I tried they always kept me on the outside.

When I moved to a new team I tried to pick up on what others were saying more and kept a level of distance of me so that gap in lifestyles wasn’t as obvious.

You’ll probably find it easier to connect with a few people rather than the whole team. I wouldn’t take anything to heart as most people don’t realise how inconclusive they’re being.

More replies, thank you

I think it might be helpful to clarify - I didn’t walk up to people and launch into a full blown conversation as if they were my new best friend. Just walked up to say ‘hi, how are you, ooh you look nice, this is an interesting place, have you been here before, I’m just going to grab a drink, bye.’ But people looked a bit spooked at the initial approach, like ‘oh it’s her’. It could be in my head, I don’t know, but I want to say I wasn’t being really different to normal

At work, I share details about my life - pets, holidays, some family stuff, new house, decorating, weekend plans - I’m chatty, interested and give and take. I am better in 121 and often get told I am a good listener.

Finding it difficult to speak with COVID deniers is just a fact for me I’m afraid. I tread carefully and try not to express much of an opinion either way to keep the peace, but it makes me feel like I’m not being myself.

When I say silly conversations I mean gossip really. I can talk rubbish to a certain level but I don’t enjoy talking about who said what to who and who had the hump and who is having an affair.

I think I am a bit autistic, I die inside at awkward situations so this possibly makes me overreact

Thanks for your responses, it’s good to hear I am not the only one who struggles with work socials. I’ll take on board the suggestions and try to be more objective going into my new department

Keep being yourself OP, you sound lovely and usually, people come round when they realise you're a good person.

Yes, you sound very similar to me.

One thing that I have noticed is that I really struggle to process if there is too much going on around me. This applies if I am talking to several people at once, if I am somewhere where there is a lot of noise or if I am trying to do stuff while talking. I can talk to people and ask questions in these scenarios but if they tell me that their Aunt Marge's parrot has just died it tends to go into a void. Afterwards, I will think about it and realise that I didn't even ask if Aunt Marge was okay. It's almost like I am aware of what I should have said about three hours later!

I find the easiest scenario is a 1:1 conversation with a man talking 'shop'.

When I die, I swear my headstone will say, "She was misunderstood".

Cake… take something in for the team . If you feel invisible make them acknowledge you. I feel for you I really do as it’s not a nice feeling at all. If the cake doesn’t work then F++£ Them !! You deserve to be around ppl who take an interest in you. Also smile , make eye contact and try and find someone who smiles back (I’m sure you have done this already ) . I’m sorry this is even a thing for you . It makes me sad that after the year and a bit we’ve all had ppl can be so cruel and unkind . I’d be your friend 💕

@anon666

Gosh, I read this very differently to everyone else.

Firstly I would say that this could just be your perception. Sometimes office parties are incredibly awkward, particularly for people who are introverts. A bit of awkwardness certainly doesn't mean people don't like you.

I wouldn't read that into it. They might just not (yet) know what to say to you. It sounds like awkwardness rather than dislike. Unless you can remember lots of times you've been a total bitch, or have had lots of rows with people it's unlikely they have strong feelings.

Secondly, people are generally at least fairly open to get to know someone new, so don't give up. Social anxiety can mean our own perception of other people's responses are more negative than reality. Many people will forgive and forget as long as you make an effort.

In terms of conversational success, try reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It sounds cheesy but the book isn't aimed at cynically manipulating people, it's a genuine guide to building relationships, starting with "developing a genuine interest in other people".

As an introvert, it gave me some basic tips on how to interact.

I haven’t read that book in years but I from what I read, I found it to be a bit manipulating- buying gifts for people who could be of use to you, etc. I thought it might work better in the US, but UK personalities are more wary of that type of networking “friendliness”, don’t you think? 🤔 Or have you found things that worked?

• from what I remember