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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

601 replies

hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:38

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
PissedOffNeighbour22 · 11/12/2021 09:55

Reading this reminded me of all the disgusting comments I used to hear at college. The amount of lads who assumed when a woman was on their period it was fine to expect anal instead made me feel sick. A 'BJ' is definitely more of an acceptable request but again, it's men's assumption of entitlement that's a huge issue.

The way he talks about it does sound like something a teenager would say. That's a turn off immediately. I couldn't put up with the entitled behaviour he seems to have around sex.

I really don't like giving my DP oral. No idea why as I've enjoyed it with some previous partners. He's never once asked or hinted despite the rare occasions being very gratefully received. We rarely have sex as I have some health issues and we have 1 child plus 1 on the way. He doesn't even get the privacy or time to masturbate, yet never expects any sexual contact from me. A few times I've felt like I should offer anyway (despite knowing women should never feel like they should have to) and my DP just says he's always tired anyway so there's no issue. It's clearly a lie as he's got a high sex drive. He'd just rather wait until he 100% knows I want to and would hate thinking I may just be doing it for his benefit.

He's a million miles away from an ex who guilt tripped me into giving blow jobs when I had just had a tooth extracted and had dry socket starting. He couldn't possibly wait a week for oral, it would be too difficult for him (complete with whining voice). He wasn't even gentle, he just wanted to sort out his own needs with absolutely no regards for mine. The biggest joke was that he 100% saw himself as a 'nice bloke' and into feminist rightsConfused.
I've definitely dated several men who were very entitled about sex. I was hoping it was becoming rarer but I doubt it ever will.

CyclingUpHill · 11/12/2021 09:56

While there are sexual norms in a relationship, I think these can evolve over time. People grow, evolve, want to try different things.

In a previous serious LTR my BF suggested he could organize a threesome. I said a firm no, he wanted to explore that, so over a period of time we drifted apart and wanted different things (haha looking back long ago I should have done it the spirit of trying everything one!)

I also introduced "toys" to DH. It's not a big deal, but something I wanted to try. So people do change!

hygtt · 11/12/2021 09:58

I assume a lot of people will think this is awful, but in my happy marriage there are elements of a transactional nature. In the broader sense I do things for DH that would not be on my list of priorities, in return I know he'll do certain things for me. It's not a formal list, rather something that evolved as part of the relationship.

Agree, currently MNs whilst DH got up & sorted the dc & is bringing me breakfast in bed. For my sins I will decorate the xmas tree/house 😆

FabriqueBelgique · 11/12/2021 10:00

[quote hygtt]@MrsLarry & nothing to do with being a cool wife. [/quote]
Yeah, what is this “cool wife” ?! I like a good gobble now and then.. what does this mean for me?

Can I not sit here? Grin

Novasmummy · 11/12/2021 10:00

I wouldn't have a problem with him asking for something like that, but asking more than once the sulking etc. Is really not on. Does he know you don't like doing it?

stanislavily · 11/12/2021 10:03

It's nothing to do with 'cool wives', it's to do with the dynamics of an individual relationship. I love doing the 'servicing' thing sometimes - ie yes exactly that, giving DH a BJ, not letting him touch me in return, and then getting on with my day. But there are two crucial points here. First, it turns ME on, not just him (I do it because I am in the mood, not because I'm not - it's just a 'game', I guesss). Secondly, it's just as likely to happen the other way round (ie him 'servicing' me but not letting me do anything in return). Usually, it means we'll have great sex later. But whatever we're doing on one particular occasion, the key thing is that our relationship as a whole feels completely equal. I would NEVER have sex of any kind when I didn't want to, and he would never ask me to (actually that's not quite true, we had to have 'functional' sex when it took us a long time to conceive, and we both bloody hated it). The OP can set whatever boundaries she wants, and if that's no BJs then that's fine. The problem is that the relationship doesn't sound like it's remotely equal, and that she's under pressure to have sex when she doesn't want to.

Loveinacoldishclimate · 11/12/2021 10:04

Eye opening for me too. I don’t get how it’s ever sexy or intimate doing something with your partner that the other actually dislikes.

I don’t get people saying he’ll cheat because “he’s going without” like we live in an episode of On The Buses.

There are women on the thread that are into this it seems.

But its still a hard no from me and I think you’re well within your rights to vent OP. I’d personally be doing quite a bit more than that I’m afraid.

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/12/2021 10:04

OP, I think you need counselling for yourself about what you want and need from your marriage. Then, if you're still committed to the marriage, joint marriage counselling. I'm curious - does a religious upbringing have any part to play in this with either or both of you?

As for the 10 day bleed, definitely investigate this - not good for you in so many ways. I used to have long bleeds when young, and then had a problem with chronic pain which I had to research to fix. Lots of experimenting with my diet later, the pain had gone and the bleeds were much lighter and 5 days only. GF, non-refined carbs seemed to be the key, along with masses and masses of raw green salads.

Loveinacoldishclimate · 11/12/2021 10:08

@stanislavily yeah what you’re describing is totally different and I don’t think it’s transactional at all. It sounds pretty normal and healthy.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/12/2021 10:09

The irritating thing about all ‘oh I looooove blowjobs’ comments is that whether or not 5000 other women love it has fuck all to do with OP and she’s perfectly entitled never to want to perform that particular act.

He’s a dick for pestering, sulking and getting in a mood.

RealBecca · 11/12/2021 10:11

You dont need to sort out your period so you're more available to shag your husband.

You don't like hiw he's framing it, you've told him that and hes carrying on. So disrespectful.

me4real · 11/12/2021 10:17

YANBU. If he knows you don't like a particular sexual act he shouldn't bring it up again. Pressurizing someone to do something sexually you know they don't want to do is not ok, @hereforthechat , I hate him already.

Choccyaddict4eva · 11/12/2021 10:18

Nothing wrong with him asking however the sulking is a bit childish. BUT- why is it whenever women are on their periods it’s always all about ‘serving’ the man of his needs…how many men actually make sure the woman is comfortable whilst she’s on her period or ask as to whether she needs anything to make her comfortable. I’ve never met a man who has done this…!

me4real · 11/12/2021 10:19

I really admire women who tell men if they don't like it and won't do it, rather than most women who do it because they think they 'should.'

HangingOver · 11/12/2021 10:21

It’s also a bit sad you don’t do BJs!

If you love someone enough to marry them you have to accept their sexual boundries. I don't ever let DP do oral on me and everyone has survived.

me4real · 11/12/2021 10:21

Nothing wrong with him asking

@Choccyaddict4eva There is because he knows OP doesn't want to do that, he already knows that but is trying to pressure her into doing something sexually she doesn't want to do.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/12/2021 10:24

It’s patently not ‘a bit sad’ that she doesn’t do blowjobs. fgs.

me4real · 11/12/2021 10:29

OP, I think you need counselling for yourself about what you want and need from your marriage.

@SpaceshiptoMars OP doesn't need counselling for not wanting to do a particular sex act.

hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 10:31

The irritating thing about all ‘oh I looooove blowjobs’ comments is that whether or not 5000 other women love it has fuck all to do with OP and she’s perfectly entitled never to want to perform that particular act.
This, in spades! How does “I love a good gobble, tee hee can I sit with the cool wives” contribute to the discussion?

And it’s not remotely “sad” to not enjoy BJs – if you don’t enjoy them, you’re not actually missing out.

Novasmummy · 11/12/2021 10:33

For some reason when I read this thread I see it as a husband dressed as a cheerleader with Pom poms going "give me a B!" "Give me a J!"

NynaeveSedai · 11/12/2021 10:34

@SwumMum

Complete digression...

Everyone recommending going to the gp for long periods - have you genuinely received any medical help? As someone with low iron, low ferritin, extreme pain that debilitates for days and bleeding so heavy I have to take spare clothes out with me, I've never managed to raise any interest or sympathy, let alone treatment from a gp.

Yes I got a mirena coil which solved the problem.
hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 10:36

I'm curious - does a religious upbringing have any part to play in this with either or both of you
Is it beyond the realms of possibility that some women don’t like BJs, not everyone has sex on their period, and lots of husbands are fairly gittish in their sexual demands. Doesn’t have to have an underlying “aha!” cause to be addressed.

beastlyslumber · 11/12/2021 10:38

@Novasmummy

For some reason when I read this thread I see it as a husband dressed as a cheerleader with Pom poms going "give me a B!" "Give me a J!"
Give me an "L"! Give me a "T"! Give me a...
SpaceshiptoMars · 11/12/2021 10:38

@me4real

OP, I think you need counselling for yourself about what you want and need from your marriage.

@SpaceshiptoMars OP doesn't need counselling for not wanting to do a particular sex act.

The OP doesn't sound particularly happy with her marriage, full stop. The sex is just the canary in the coal mine.
Phobiaphobic · 11/12/2021 10:39

Yes, I was also going to suggest a Mirena if you don't get on with the pill, OP. Very effective in stopping or reducing periods.

Oh, and your husband is an entitled dick, and like others have said, I'm willing to bet this extends outside the bedroom.

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