Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

[hereforthechat]

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

But it isn’t really uncharitable though, is it, because it illustrates the thinking behind it - okay so it’s not cancer or a heart attack or whatever but OP is legitimately not up for sex. Instead of looking for ways in which he might foster affection and intimacy with OP the husband’s attitude here is, I don’t care how you feel, that you’re cramping/in pain, bleeding excessively, likely anaemic and exhausted...I must have sex because I ‘need’ it/want it to feel connected in our relationship. If you can’t or won’t give that to me, I want you instead to do something to me, purely for my benefit, that you actively dislike doing.

That is not how a decent man would think. He is quite capable of doing without sex for a week and a half. He just doesn’t want to. He wants to be serviced regardless of whether or not this is beneficial to OP’s well-being, because he’s a twat.

This is an really eye opening thread.

How very far we still are from having healthy views on sex and women’s liberation.

Hard to believe there are so many people who still think sex is something women own to men/ has to perform/ not aloud to have boundaries/ saying no not being enough/ prude shaming/ judgement… etc there still is.

So glad to be single.
Relationships sounds like a prison.

Loads of stuff to unpick here.

He is not wrong for asking or talking to you about sex.

You are not wrong for refusing but surely this has been your stance on oral sex from meeting him?

If it isn't then he may want to reevaluate the relationship as can you with regards to his behaviour.

The key thing is by sulking he is not fixing the problem, just like by asking for advice on an Internet forum you are not, the thing that will solve the problem is communication.

'How very far we still are from having healthy views on sex '

Totally agree. All the disgust at the dp daring to suggest sexual intimacy, all the anger and outrage.

It is normal for people to fancy each other, its an important part of a relationship. Yes no one should feel 'nagged', but neither should they feel repulsed by their partner's request.

Actually it is not your place to police which sex acts women feel comfortable with, uncomfortable with or repulsed by. It is absolutely within OP’s right to have a strict boundary in place that says she does not wish to suck on a man’s penis. Anyone who tries to claim that this means she cannot enjoy a happy and healthy sex life is talking from a seriously screwed up position.

I absolutely will be angry when women are repeatedly told that they exist to service men’s sexual appetites with no regard paid to the woman’s right to engage only in sex that she actually wants to have.

"Can I get a BJ?" Is hardly the height of intimacy 😬😬😬 wow OP you must feel so special, can't understand why you're not jumping at the opportunity.

He knows you don't like it and he's asking anyway - when you're feeling like shit, no less.

It's pretty revolting behaviour - he sounds like an unattractive loser

@JaniieJones

Yeah, definitely not agreeing with you. But you already knew that..
Why twist my message like that?
I tried to make a good, positive and healthy observation and you turned it into shit.

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

Actually it is not your place to police which sex acts women feel comfortable with, uncomfortable with or repulsed by. It is absolutely within OP’s right to have a strict boundary in place that says she does not wish to suck on a man’s penis. Anyone who tries to claim that this means she cannot enjoy a happy and healthy sex life is talking from a seriously screwed up position.

I absolutely will be angry when women are repeatedly told that they exist to service men’s sexual appetites with no regard paid to the woman’s right to engage only in sex that she actually wants to have.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

How very far we still are from having healthy views on sex

Totally agree. All the disgust at the dp daring to suggest sexual intimacy, all the anger and outrage.

Janiie- how many times have we said it's not the asking for sex acts- it's the pestering, the sulking, and the fact he already knows that OP doesn't really like that parrticular thing?

It's not that people who say this are 'sex negative,' we are 'sexual coercion-negative,' 'male sexual entitlement-negative.'

It is normal for people to fancy each other, its an important part of a relationship. Yes no one should feel 'nagged', but neither should they feel repulsed by their partner's request.

@JaniieJones OP doesn't 'feel' nagged- she is being nagged AKA coerced, objectively. There are also ways too woo someone and make them feel like sexual activity. Some approaches are more appealing than others to each individual woman.

"Can I get a BJ?" Is hardly the height of intimacy 😬😬😬
wow OP you must feel so special, can't understand why you're not jumping at the opportunity.

@GreenEyeOfTheLittleYellowGod It's funny even though it's not funny. These men are a sick joke really; until it goes too far.

@me4real

How very far we still are from having healthy views on sex

Totally agree. All the disgust at the dp daring to suggest sexual intimacy, all the anger and outrage.

Janiie- how many times have we said it's not the asking for sex acts- it's the pestering, the sulking, and the fact he already knows that OP doesn't really like that parrticular thing?

It's not that people who say this are 'sex negative,' we are 'sexual coercion-negative,' 'male sexual entitlement-negative.'

It is normal for people to fancy each other, its an important part of a relationship. Yes no one should feel 'nagged', but neither should they feel repulsed by their partner's request.

@JaniieJones OP doesn't 'feel' nagged- she is being nagged AKA coerced, objectively. There are also ways too woo someone and make them feel like sexual activity. Some approaches are more appealing than others to each individual woman.

"Can I get a BJ?" Is hardly the height of intimacy 😬😬😬
wow OP you must feel so special, can't understand why you're not jumping at the opportunity.

@GreenEyeOfTheLittleYellowGod It's funny even though it's not funny. These men are a sick joke really; until it goes too far.

Reminds me of my ex who used to go on about 'steak and blowjob day' like who told these men they were special.

'I tried to make a good, positive and healthy observation and you turned it into shit.'

I didn't 'turn it into shit' I pointed out healthy views on sex and sex acts are a bit hit and miss on this thread.

I repeat it is normal to want sexual relations with your other half. He shouldn't sulk but it's hardly crime of the century. She's settled for him, sexual compatability should really be ironed out before marrying or whatever.

I repeat it is normal to want sexual relations with your other half.
With. The key word here is with. The OP doesn’t want to suck dick. Her husband doesn’t want sexual relations or anything with her: he says “can I get [a BJ]?” Blowjobs can be intimate and something you do with someone; in this case though, it’s very much something the husband just wants done for/to him with no pleasure for the OP.

I want to have sex with my partner pretty much all the time – I have a much higher sex drive than him – but I have no interest when he’s not interested, and don’t want to go ahead when he’s half-hearted, reluctant, doesn’t like a specific thing, as the OP dislikes BJs. Full, enthusiastic consent to have sex with someone. Otherwise they’re just a hole. And it’s not remotely normal to want to engage in sex that the other person actively dislikes: society has a word for that.

@JaniieJones

Okey, I can see you can’t be helped.
Live like that if you really want to.
But don’t go and pressure women to have sex / sex acts they don’t want to. Or shaming them.
That is beyond unhealthy, shame on you.

It's one thing canoodling and things happen and then you might ask your partner if they'll do something for you. But just to say "can I get a blow job"... It's so seedy.

Not trying to rub your face in it OP I just feel angry on your behalf.

He shouldn't sulk but it's hardly crime of the century

@JaniieJones I like to think I wouldn't put up with nagging or sulking. Had it too much from men in the past. It's a dealbreaker for me. But everyone has their own thing they particularly hate. I'm not alone in not thinking being coarse and sexually coercive isn't endearing, though.

@me4real

He shouldn't sulk but it's hardly crime of the century

@JaniieJones I like to think I wouldn't put up with nagging or sulking. Had it too much from men in the past. It's a dealbreaker for me. But everyone has their own thing they particularly hate. I'm not alone in not thinking being coarse and sexually coercive isn't endearing, though.

Sulking to get your own way is definitely sexually coercive and it's abuse. I don't understand the replies here I'm quite shocked

You're quite right of course @GreenEyeOfTheLittleYellowGod . It's the part of abusive men known as The Sexual Controller.

@CheeseMmmm

Really interesting that reversing the situation.

Which is vv relevant.

No one said yep.

IE
Can I get oral?
Find privacy, knickers off, he does the do, DD she comes, knickers on, over.

And if yes we do that. Whether she says that when knows he doesn't enjoy and isn't in the mood either.

Interesting.

Still no responses.

Anyone?

Yep we do that why not. I do for him.

No we don't.

Wouldn't even cross mind to ask.

I come and don't do anything for him? That's... ???!!!!???

I don't quite understand what you're asking @hereforthechat . Of course if a couple are both into/up for that then it's ok. But if someone knows her partner isn't into it, then in theory of course she shouldn't nag for it.

And if she pestered on and on about it and cause an atmosphere by sulking, that wouldn't be good.

To all those women professing that a BJ gives you a sore neck and jaw ache. Honey.....you're doing it all wrong. If you're doing it right then you definitely don't get a sore neck and jaw ache 😂

Maybe your partner has a smaller penis than most?

@Mothership4two maybe she does that 'cheating' thing where women put their hand round so they don't have to go very deep. Or maybe her OH has the good manners to hurry up.

'cheating' thing?

FFS so no comment about the abuse just implied smugness that you are better at blow jobs and a statement the OP is doing it wrong on top of everything else in this thread 🙄😡

I actually despair 🙁

Just saw in active.

This thread has posters patronisingly telling anyone who doesn't like/ enjoy giving blow jobs, that they're doing it wrong?

Crikey.

Small cock

Ladies don't like? Just need to PRACTICE, honey!

Oh! Makes sense!
OH I gave birth 3 days ago, have broken both my legs, had root canal yesterday, and newborn feeding non stop.
How about I blow you?

Remember your priorities! Or you will shortly be alone, destitute, hated by everyone, be plagued by wasps. And have SAGGY TITS.

no need to thank me!

Meanwhile, 1000s of male dominated chat sites with frequent, popular, well received posts with advice to men on giving a woman fab oral.

Obviously.