Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

[hereforthechat]

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

'You’re using “intimacy” only in its narrow, euphemistic sense'

No I'm using it in the context being discussed.

'Me and my husband have lots of intimacy' is not taking the kids to school and putting the bins out.

It isn't a competition obviously but day to day family activities aren't intimacy. Call it sex acts if you prefer, doesn't bother me in the slightest.

The context being discussed is “is refusing a BJ on demand, when you’ve expressly said you don’t like them and in any case are feeling poorly, a marriage without intimacy”.

It’s perfectly possible to have intimacy without sex, BJs, whatever, at times when those things aren’t possible: last week DS and I both had Covid and norovirus simultaneously, so DP and I slept apart and tried very hard not to go near one another so he wouldn’t catch one or both of those things. We maintained intimacy through talking – discussing how horrible it was not to hug just at the point I needed one – jokes, texts, kindness. No bins out or BJs.

The point is that there are lots of ways to maintain intimacy in a relationship, and lots of ways to maintain a relationship, that aren’t simply “have sex whenever one party demands it, without exception, otherwise the marriage is over” as lots of comments on this thread seem to believe.

Is he 14 and behind the bike sheds?

🤣🤣

Guarantee if someone posted that their husband was having an intimate friendship with someone no one would assume it meant taking the bins out together. You'd all be assuming it meant sex or at the very least kissing/cuddling, and you know it.

First of all could you perhaps stop with the ‘you all’ when you’re talking to the one individual. Take up their wording and/or their point with them if you want to but throwing around ‘you all’ is very annoying.

Other forms of intimacy: cuddling. Kissing. Massage. Holding. Being near to each other. Physical touch of any kind that both people are comfortable with and happy to engage in. And further, intimacy certainly doesn’t include being pressured or coerced into or expected to engage in sexual acts that you do not like and do not enjoy performing or being part of. That is the very antithesis of intimacy when it comes to being close to and feeling close to your partner. Sexual coercion is not intimacy of the kind that relationships need in order to be healthy. Not in the context we’re discussing here, nor in any other context.

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange Well, yes, because of the context. But you can’t extrapolate from that one specific sentence and scenario that intimacy in a long-term relationship can only come from sex.

Yes quite. Intimacy also comes from things like washing your loved one’s hair when they can no longer do so. Applying body lotion. Massaging hands and feet. All those things can be very intimate and can show a huge amount of love and foster a close connection when sex isn’t possible. Sex is only one facet of intimacy, and demanding sex when someone doesn’t want it, isn’t up to it, or feels too unwell to have it, is seriously messed up. If one wants or needs intimacy one can have it without having to have sex. But so often men in particular don’t want to bother with those other elements. They’d rather pester, coerce sulk, and demand. Which is wrong, and corrodes the relationship further rather than fostering a healthy, loving relationship.

I'd tell him to stop being a pissy little bitch.

Everyone's got sexual boundaries and things they enjoy. Surely the point is mutual pleasure, find the things both people enjoy and concentrate on them.

Asking someone to perform an act that they do not enjoy and that leaves them sore is not right. It's not respectful or loving.

@Fairylights25

Ewwww

Stomach churning. You are not alive to 'service' his needs. If my dh had such a thing I would be packing his bag for him. Grim as hell.

You are not a Mcdonalds drive through op

I thought of McDonalds as well. If my DP made that request in such a fashion, my reply would simply be:

"You want fries with that?"

Honestly it's between you guys. I couldn't spend 1/3 of my life having absolutely no sexual contact with my partner. You clearly can, and it's up to your partner whether that's a dealbreaker.

He wasn't being unreasonable to ask, and I hate the attitude around here that men wanting to have sex with their partners is somehow perverted. You weren't being unreasonable to say no. He should have accepted it and not sulked.

He’s unreasonable to ask if he knows you don’t like it. If you really hate oral sex then there’s absolutely nothing in that situation for you, only for him and he’d be making you do something you don’t feel comfortable with which is all wrong. It shouldn’t even feel pleasurable for him knowing you’re not enjoying it. Sulking about the fact you didn’t want to is coercive and manipulative too, just grim all round really.

As an aside, 10 day long periods aren’t usual so you need to ask a doctor about this. The average is 3-7 days.

[quote hotmeatymilk]@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange Well, yes, because of the context. But you can’t extrapolate from that one specific sentence and scenario that intimacy in a long-term relationship can only come from sex.[/quote]
I never said it could. But there is nothing unreasonable about someone wanting sexual intimacy from their partner. OP says that despite not being a fan she has given her DH oral before and therefore him asking wasn't unreasonable. The only thing he did that was unreasonable was repeatedly asking and sulking.

There's a thread on here at the minute where OP is saying her DH has withdrawn sexual intimacy her. Guarantee no one is telling her to get over it and sort herself out.

Whether you like it or not sexual intimacy IS a big part of a heathy relationship.

Intimacy is giving and receiving sexual pleasure

@JaniieJones Nope. 'Intimacy' can be a euphemism for sex but it's also things like emotional intimacy, cuddling whatever. If you want to say something, google and find out the facts of what you're saying first, definitions etc. HTH.

@LittleGwyneth

Honestly it's between you guys. I couldn't spend 1/3 of my life having absolutely no sexual contact with my partner. You clearly can, and it's up to your partner whether that's a dealbreaker.

He wasn't being unreasonable to ask, and I hate the attitude around here that men wanting to have sex with their partners is somehow perverted. You weren't being unreasonable to say no. He should have accepted it and not sulked.

So are you saying you have sexual contact 67% of your life, @LittleGwyneth ?

The only thing he did that was unreasonable was repeatedly asking and sulking.

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange That's pretty unreasonable though, it can be really unpleasant for the person who's not in the mood for sex to be repeatedly pressured about it.

There's a thread on here at the minute where OP is saying her DH has withdrawn sexual intimacy her.

OP isn't saying she never wants sex again, she's just saying she doesn't want it at the moment. Nothing she's said implies she doesn't shag her husband at some other times when she doesn't have her period (though she has a right to not have it then when she doesn't want to, either.

Also under patriarchy men are in a position of power over women, so them nagging forr sex is more disgusting. And in the other thread about sex the OP probably doesn't nag, weedle and strop.

Much is contained in this thread that is distasteful.

So he doesn't care for your dislike about giving oral sex.

Isn't offering anything in return.

Pesters for it after being told no. No means no! There's words for men that push on regardless.

Sulks when he doesn't get his sexual servicing.

Does all this in front of your 6yo? Could be classed as child abuse tbh.

Well he's an arse and a sex pest which are both really unattractive qualities.

I would go out on a limb and say this isn't the only problems in your relationship?

You aren't under obligation to perform sexually when you don't want to or do any sexual acts you don't want to do.

Men don't get to pester you for it when you say no, that is abuse.

@ClaudiaJ1 I have at least some form of sex an average of 3-5 times a week, without interruption other than major life events / acts of God. I would find it extremely difficult to be with someone who wasn't up for that. I would find it even more difficult to be with someone who was slightly grossed out by common place sex acts. But then I wouldn't have married someone who felt that way.

We have sex on average 5 times a week, sometimes a lot more. We quite regularly stay up all night having lots of great sex. It’s an extremely important part of our relationship.

That still doesn’t mean I would ever find it difficult to let him have some space for a week to 10 days if he was ill/bleeding from an organ/suffering with cramps and pain/exhausted from chronic anaemia (which OP is likely to be since bleeding for 10 days per month will mean excessive iron loss)/any situation that is comparable to being on one’s period for ten days out of every month. I’ve let him have space for much longer than 10 days, where it was needed, as he has reciprocally done for me. We survived just fine. We kept close with lots of physical intimacy. If either of us needed physical release we were perfectly able to sort ourselves out. Neither of us resorted to coercive, demanding, sulky, sex pest behaviour.

Of course he doesn’t have to stay with OP if he can’t do without sex for 10 days. What he doesn’t get to do is stay with her and then pester her to engage in sex acts she actively dislikes.

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule but it's not 10 days as a one off, while someone is recovering from something. Even I could manage that! It's 10 days every single month. So 1/3 of their marriage, anything at all sexual is completely off the table. I understand for some people that wouldn't be a problem, but for me it would be a struggle.

[quote LittleGwyneth]@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule but it's not 10 days as a one off, while someone is recovering from something. Even I could manage that! It's 10 days every single month. So 1/3 of their marriage, anything at all sexual is completely off the table. I understand for some people that wouldn't be a problem, but for me it would be a struggle.[/quote]
And that is your prerogative to find it hard and not wanting a life where you can’t have sex 5 times a week.

I hope you have made it clear to your partner that if they are getting ill, like cancer, arthritis, ME/CFS or any other chronic illness, then you will be leaving them because they are not happy to tend to your sexual needs.

I also hope that you will have the decency that the OP’s partner doesn’t, which is to back off, a knowledge you are unhappy and separate (clearly stating that it’s because you can’t cope with sex less than 3~5 times a week) rather than pester your partner for sex and making feel they are, somehow, at fault.

I would find it even more difficult to be with someone who was slightly grossed out by common place sex acts

@LittleGwyneth It's not a matter of being 'grossed out,' some people just don't like certain things. For instance I don't like receiving oral at all. It's not because I have hang ups or are grossed out, I just don't like the sensation.

As a bi woman, I know that giving oral to a woman is not the same as giving oral to a man. Giving oral to a man can be outright unpleasant wiith choking etc, and the fact that in general it's just not pleasant to a fair few women. It's acknowledged to not be 100% enjoyable by a lot of people.

It's 10 days every single month. So 1/3 of their marriage, anything at all sexual is completely off the table.

It's a week and a half without sex. Maybe he'll get horny a couple of times and can have a wank. No-one dies.

I understand for some people that wouldn't be a problem, but for me it would be a struggle.

I like to think you wouldn't act like this guy, though.

No...but the equivalence is important here.

If you would, in fact, be quite happy to coerce, demand, pester and sulk for sex if your husband was, let’s say for argument’s sake, ill/unwell/in pain/otherwise legitimately not up for sex for 10 days per month, then you would, in my opinion, be behaving in an unreasonable manner. If on top of that you felt entitled to repeatedly pester him to do something sexual that he actively disliked, you would, in fact, be behaving in an extremely unreasonable manner.

It is very likely that actually, what would happen in such a case is that you would seek out opportunities to be physically intimate and show affection through activities or behaviours that both of you felt comfortable with, and you would find your sexual release through your own means. I very much doubt that you would actually behave the way this man behaves.

And if there was a certain sex act that he deeply disliked and you felt it was important that you be able to enjoy that act with your husband, I am quite sure that you wouldn’t have got married to that particular man. Or if you only found out afterwards, or if indeed it changed along the way, as it sometimes does, you might decide that actually you loved him enough that you wouldn’t expect it of him. Or you might decide that it is too much of an incompatibility in which you would leave.

Above to @LittleGwyneth

And last sentence should say ‘in which case you would leave.

To clarify, I think the sulking is inexcusable. And very unlikely to make anyone want to shag you. I just think it's perfectly reasonable to want a certain level of sex in a relationship.

'I hope you have made it clear to your partner that if they are getting ill, like cancer, arthritis, ME/CFS or any other chronic illness, then you will be leaving them because they are not happy to tend to your sexual needs.'

@LostForIdeas I think if my beloved parter got cancer I would probably just about forgive a lack of horn while he recovered. In the unlikely event of those other illnesses, we would find ways to have sex because it's important to both of us. Pretty uncharitable comment though.