Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

[hereforthechat]

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

The OPs DH didn't make an outrageous request
The main issue is him sulking, because that's a big no. But him asking in the first place.. nah he wasn't in the wrong there.

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange It was outrageous as he'd asked it numerous times when he knows she doesn't like it. That's sexual coercion. Asking once or twice in a relationship maybe, but not after he knows she doesn't like it, and repeatedly going on about it in the same night.

@hereforthechat You say that you do it sometimes. That you do it sometimes means he thinks it's on the table despite you not liking it (though he still shouldn't do it numerous times in one evening, or go on about it.) Say you're not going to do it at all as you don't like it. Don't do things in bed you don't like. Then he'll know not to ask again as it's cut and dried and he should STFU about it. (You shouldn't have to do this of course, just my suggestion to get him to stop it for good.)

You are far from the only woman who doesn't do this, and I mightn't in my next relationship.

If he then still goes on about knowing it's a complete no, that's cause or at least part of causes to end the relationship.

You say that you do it sometimes. That you do it sometimes means he thinks it's on the table despite you not liking it (though he still shouldn't do it numerous times in one evening, or go on about it.) Say you're not going to do it at all as you don't like it. Don't do things in bed you don't like. Then he'll know not to ask again as it's cut and dried and he should STFU about it. (You shouldn't have to do this of course, just my suggestion to get him to stop it for good.)

You are far from the only woman who doesn't do this, and I mightn't in my next relationship.

If he then still goes on about knowing it's a complete no, that's cause or at least part of causes to end the relationship.

This is good advice.

How nasty must a man be to repeatedly pester for something sexually that he knows the other party doesn’t enjoy. Not merely that she’s indifferent or not that bothered but that she actively dislikes it. Yuck.

And somehow it’s OP that’s in the wrong?? Messed up attitude.

Can you imagine if the roles were reversed?

Husband bleeds for 10 days every month, cramps, backache, nausea, headache, fatigue. (He takes these days off work and rests at home. Every month. Of course.)

Which of these scenarios is more likely?

a) Wife waits on husband hand and foot, ensures he is comfortable, has whatever he needs, picks up all tasks around the house. She does everything, expects nothing.

b) Wife expects husband to carry on as usual in every way, complains when he does not, does nothing to ease his pain and exhaustion, and hints/jokes/asks outright that husband perform a sexual act wife knows he does not like, then sulks when he refuses.

The defence of male sexual entitlement and minimising of crappy behaviour from OP's husband in some of these replies is astonishing. Where is his care for her? OP seems to have received more concern about her periods in this thread than she does from her own husband. More respect for her sexual boundaries too.

@Stravaig

Can you imagine if the roles were reversed?

Husband bleeds for 10 days every month, cramps, backache, nausea, headache, fatigue. (He takes these days off work and rests at home. Every month. Of course.)

Which of these scenarios is more likely?

a) Wife waits on husband hand and foot, ensures he is comfortable, has whatever he needs, picks up all tasks around the house. She does everything, expects nothing.

b) Wife expects husband to carry on as usual in every way, complains when he does not, does nothing to ease his pain and exhaustion, and hints/jokes/asks outright that husband perform a sexual act wife knows he does not like, then sulks when he refuses.

The defence of male sexual entitlement and minimising of crappy behaviour from OP's husband in some of these replies is astonishing. Where is his care for her? OP seems to have received more concern about her periods in this thread than she does from her own husband. More respect for her sexual boundaries too.

That's a good point actually.

To those cautioning the OP that her husband and relationship will suffer without the 'intimacy' of her husband sexually coercing blow-jobs while she's not feeling great - that's not what intimacy is.

Intimacy sounds something like this -
Husband to wife who's not feeling great:
'How are you feeling? Can I get you anything? Is there anything I can do for you to help you feel more comfortable?'

More specifically, intimacy looks like any or all of this -
Husband to wife who's not feeling great:
'I'll cook the dinner, do the dishes, do the cleaning, do the ironing. I'll look after the kids, take the kids out, put the kids to bed. I'll make the packed lunches, do the school run. I'll organise the play dates, ferry them to and fro. I'll call the nursery, school, doctor, dentist, optician, bank, council. Would you like me to rub your back, shoulders, feet, run you a bath? Don't worry, I've already put the blood-soaked knickers, leggings, sheets into a cold soak, and remade the bed. Can I get you a cushion, blanket, hot water bottle? I'm just going out to get you some more painkillers, tampons, pads, red wine, chocolate. Is there anything else you need? I'm worried about your periods, their effect on you, do you think it's worth checking with a doctor?'

That's intimacy, care, love.

Horrified and infuriated in equal measure by the abusive behaviours women are encouraged to settle for in relationship!

i couldn't stay in a long term relationship if we are sexually incompatible.

Why settle?

@dayouttobangor

No is a complete sentence.

It certainly is not

@Stravaig

That sounds great.
But I do wonder how many women actually have a partner like that?

[quote Justsotirednow]@Stravaig

That sounds great.
But I do wonder how many women actually have a partner like that?[/quote]
And what if, unfortunately, few women don't have a partner like that?

Are we supposed to just accept it and carry on giving BJ when we dont want to? Just in case, said man decides to have an affair etc... because poor him he isn't getting what he wants?

The appropriate reaction should be to horrified that the OP doesn't have a partner like this, that 'most women' don't.

@LostForIdeas

The fuck are you angry at me for.
Stravaig gave an amazing list of a good partner.
That was all I was acknowledging.

And I think it’s more than a few women who don’t have supportive partner like that.

Rapey, sex pest, cheating, pushy, gross men can go and fuck themselves.

Getting intimate and it ending up with non PIV because period - fine as long as you want to too.

Feeling horny and asking to be serviced when you’re not ‘in the moment’ - fucking grim.

Taking the second approach because you actually know the other person doesn’t like doing it and therefore the first scenario wouldn’t happen - absolutely not ok.

There’s a chat needed here about consent, mutually good sex life and not seeing your partner as the person you go to to obtain relief. That’s your right hand your confusing her with there, matey.

No is a complete sentence

It certainly is not

@Newpandrawer Eh? Why not? Yes. It is. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sentence_word#:~:text=A%20sentence%20word%20(also%20called,as%20examples%20of%20sentence%20words. Otherwise it wouldn't be possible for an enquirer to say verbally, 'Answer with only yes or no' for an assessment or legal stuff etc.

[quote Justsotirednow]@Stravaig

That sounds great.
But I do wonder how many women actually have a partner like that?[/quote]
Not nearly enough, it seems! Depressing. That has to change. Which starts with women having more self-respect, higher expectations, and saying no a lot.

I don't have such a partner, by the way - but I did, and I'm certainly not settling for less.

My period lasts 10-11 days. Yes, I have a long cycle, late ovulation, long periods. No endometriosis, no PCOS, regular menstruations. Had two kids. Gynecologist told me I have large uterus after giving birth - I don't know if that's the reason. Long, heavy periods are normal for me. Solution - coil, but I don't want that, so...

@Stravaig

To those cautioning the OP that her husband and relationship will suffer without the 'intimacy' of her husband sexually coercing blow-jobs while she's not feeling great - that's not what intimacy is.

Intimacy sounds something like this -
Husband to wife who's not feeling great:
'How are you feeling? Can I get you anything? Is there anything I can do for you to help you feel more comfortable?'

More specifically, intimacy looks like any or all of this -
Husband to wife who's not feeling great:
'I'll cook the dinner, do the dishes, do the cleaning, do the ironing. I'll look after the kids, take the kids out, put the kids to bed. I'll make the packed lunches, do the school run. I'll organise the play dates, ferry them to and fro. I'll call the nursery, school, doctor, dentist, optician, bank, council. Would you like me to rub your back, shoulders, feet, run you a bath? Don't worry, I've already put the blood-soaked knickers, leggings, sheets into a cold soak, and remade the bed. Can I get you a cushion, blanket, hot water bottle? I'm just going out to get you some more painkillers, tampons, pads, red wine, chocolate. Is there anything else you need? I'm worried about your periods, their effect on you, do you think it's worth checking with a doctor?'

That's intimacy, care, love.

Horrified and infuriated in equal measure by the abusive behaviours women are encouraged to settle for in relationship!

Love this! Honestly if my husband leaves me and/or has an affair because I don't give blow jobs on demand then I will happily sign the divorce papers 👋🏻

Love this! Honestly if my husband leaves me and/or has an affair because I don't give blow jobs on demand then I will happily sign the divorce papers

@hereforthechat Right on, OP! Your posts show that your spirit knows when it hears a man talking shit and that such types are mockworthy at best.

So, what're you going to do? Is he living (with you) on borrowed time?

I’m pretty sure I’d leave my DH if he refused to get intimate for 10 days without a good reason. Refusing a BJ or having a day or two off is fine but completely refusing any intimacy would be a no for me.

Cool. The DH in question is also free to leave OP if the lack of sex for 10 days is a deal breaker for him.

I’m not impressed that you’d seriously expect your husband to have sex with you a) when he doesn’t feel up to it, b) when he’s bleeding for 10 days, c) when he’s otherwise unwell/in pain, or d ) any other scenario that’d be vaguely comparable to being on one’s period.

There are other forms of intimacy than sex. It is perfectly possible to be intimate and close with your partner without expecting them to have sex they don’t want or don’t feel up to!

TLDR it all.
How often does he perform oral on you to completion? If you asked for it would he provide it?

I’m pretty sure I’d leave my DH if he refused to get intimate for 10 days without a good reason.

@Cheshirewife Surely not feeling in the mood is a good enough reason not to be made to do sexual things 'or else.' It seems you think people should have sex acts when they don't want them. It took a long time for marital rape to become a crime, but it did about thirty years ago.

without a good reason.
“I don’t want to” is a good reason. And in fact, there doesn’t have to be a reason: that’s the very basic principle of consent – you can say “no” and you don’t have to present a dossier of evidence to justify that no.

'More specifically, intimacy looks like any or all of this -Husband to wife who's not feeling great:'I'll cook the dinner, do the dishes, do the cleaning, do the ironing. I'll look after the kids, take the kids out, put the kids to bed'

Bollocks. That is an equal, loving relationship.

Intimacy is giving and receiving sexual pleasure. HTH.

Intimacy is giving and receiving sexual pleasure. HTH

The dictionary says: 1. Warm close personal friendship. 2. An intimate or personal remark. 3. euphemistic sexual intercourse. 4. The state or quality of being intimate.

You’re using “intimacy” only in its narrow, euphemistic sense – maybe perhaps you prefer avoiding the actual words for sex or sex acts? – but that’s not its only or primary meaning. HTH